[BlueCherokee]

How do you break it to a friend that you want to remain friends just. . . distant friends??

[divine1966]

What do you mean by distant friends?

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Originally Posted by BlueCherokee

How do you break it to a friend that you want to remain friends just. . . distant friends??

It sounds like you've run out of road with your friend. That happens. Most people don't understand what that means. It means, you've fully played out the role you were meant to play out in each other's lives. The relationship has run its course. It also might mean you were never meant to be in each other's lives to begin with. You've realised this, but your friend hasn't. That means your friend will take it personally, but will get over it with time.

As far as telling them about it, that's really tricky not knowing what kind of person they are. Most people don't handle rejection well. And it will feel like rejection to them. These are things that may arise within your friend when you tell them: resentment, confusion, defensiveness, anger, denial, shutting down towards you.

The other option is to not say anything and just stop being with them. I did this with a friend, when I had so many personal problems I just didn't have the time or ability to maintain a friendship any longer, I just stopped seeing her completely. I had to focus all my energy on myself to survive the onslaught of chaos and suffering. After awhile, when the chaos subsided I saw her again.

One night she got drunk and told me how she felt about my absence from her life. She accused me of abandoning her. She said I cared more about other people than her. She said I had hurt her deeply. She hated me. She yelled at me. And she kept repeating that I had abandoned her.

This is an example of how a person might react to being let go of (temporarily or permanently). This was a very extreme reaction, I thought she was going to hit me.

Since I didn't deserve this. I quit being her friend completely and forever. It wasn't out of anger or punishment. I realised we didn't see eye to eye on very many issues. There was nothing to hold the friendship together. And I felt she had become co-dependent. On the other hand, I was not co-dependent on her.

I didn't announce this to her. I just stopped seeing her and stopped phoning her. Eventually we moved far, far, far, far, far away. When I told her we were moving so far away, she said "I'll have to come and visit." Clearly, she wasn't getting the message. The message was: the friendship isn't practical.

Yes, we could have talked on the phone or email. But I was tired of the complete lack of growth in her. The problems she had when I met her still existed six years later. She never did anything about her problems, she just wanted someone to complain to. And she re-created the same problem over and over and over. Solve the problem, find a new guy and have the exact same problem, solve the problem, find a new guy and have the exact same problem. It gets old fast.

If it's possible, just reduce the contact.

I had someone end a friendship with me. So it happens both ways. I had a friend who wanted to make a corporate video for her store. We produce corporate video and we have a green screen studio, so I quoted her a 50% rate. Normal video rate would be $4,000.

I quoted $2,000. I actually offered to do it for free, which she declined. So I quoted $2,000 (50% rate) and she said nothing. We proceeded to plan the video. She kept taking away tasks from me, which she said she could do herself, expecting the rate to drop each time from $2,000 downwards.

Eventually I told her the rate would be $2,000 regardless of how many of the tasks she took on herself. She sent me an email and told me to "have a nice life." She ended the friendship over a video. It didn't bother me at all. Clearly she was never really a friend. It's been a year and she still doesn't have a video on her store website.

It's rare for a friendship to last your entire life. Most friendships end with the two people drifting apart. So neither person actually even realises the friendship is ending. To proactively end a friendship is honest, but painful. I would try the stopping the contact route first and try to just let the friendship end itself. It may just die a slow death OR it will provoke a reaction. Then you have to go through the reaction with her, like I did. Then it will be over.

[BlueCherokee]

Do you mind me asking: do you make attachments with people or do you keep a safe emotional distance? I feel that a certain amount of co-dependence in relationships is natural. I wish I could let go of people so easily because I struggle with fear of rejection, maybe that's why I'm afraid to reject my friend. Plus, I know her. It would break her heart.

[ReddSkyes]

Originally Posted by clairerobin

The other option is to not say anything and just stop being with them. I did this with a friend, when I had so many personal problems I just didn't have the time or ability to maintain a friendship any longer, I just stopped seeing her completely. I had to focus all my energy on myself to survive the onslaught of chaos and suffering. After awhile, when the chaos subsided I saw her again.

One night she got drunk and told me how she felt about my absence from her life. She accused me of abandoning her. She said I cared more about other people than her. She said I had hurt her deeply. She hated me. She yelled at me. And she kept repeating that I had abandoned her.

This is an example of how a person might react to being let go of (temporarily or permanently). This was a very extreme reaction, I thought she was going to hit me.

Since I didn't deserve this. I quit being her friend completely and forever. It wasn't out of anger or punishment. I realised we didn't see eye to eye on very many issues. There was nothing to hold the friendship together. And I felt she had become co-dependent. On the other hand, I was not co-dependent on her.

I didn't announce this to her. I just stopped seeing her and stopped phoning her. Eventually we moved far, far, far, far, far away. When I told her we were moving so far away, she said "I'll have to come and visit." Clearly, she wasn't getting the message. The message was: the friendship isn't practical.

Yes, we could have talked on the phone or email. But I was tired of the complete lack of growth in her. The problems she had when I met her still existed six years later. She never did anything about her problems, she just wanted someone to complain to. And she re-created the same problem over and over and over. Solve the problem, find a new guy and have the exact same problem, solve the problem, find a new guy and have the exact same problem. It gets old fast.

If it's possible, just reduce the contact.

This is exactly the problem with friendships. People think it's OK to just "disappear" without any regard for how they will make the other person feel.

You say that you had a lot of personal suffering and didn't have time or energy to invest in a friendship. That is perfectly logical and understandable. Unfortunately you didn't communicate this to her. You just cut her off and later came back when you were ready. It is possible that you weren't thinking clearly when you stopped communicating with her the first time. Again, understandable. However, later on, you had the opportunity to rectify this and explain things. It doesn't sound like you ever did.

Later, your friend was angry and told you she felt abandoned. I don't blame her for that, but I do blame her for having to get drunk to say it. She also didn't need to say she hated you, but again she was drunk (lesson learned; never drink with others.) In the end what did you do? You disappeared for good. When she told you "I'll have to come visit" maybe she was just being nice. I don't know. You said she didn't get it... I'm not seeing where you communicated to her the friendship was over. You were free to move on from her because of her problems, issue, lack of growth, whatever. In order for her to understand where you were coming from and "get it", you needed to tell her.

With romantic and family relationships, most people make an effort to communicate the need for "space". With friendships, because people have some idea that emotions like love, affection, admiration, are not as important because it's *only* a friendship, they think it's ok to just drop the other person without so much as a whisper.

I currently have a friend (still?) that has done this regularly. When he would get mad or annoyed with me, he would just cut communication. Never mind the fact that HE WANTED to keep in DAILY contact with me for the last few years. Every email, text, and phone call would be outright ignored. I'd feel disregarded, slighted. I'd wonder and worry over what I may have done wrong. Time and again. I've accumulate much resentment. He doesn't get it. To him, it was always just "taking a break." He's never going to get it until it's done to him and he feels how I've felt... and even then...

To the OP, be an adult about things. If you want to just keep in touch with this person every once in a while, tell them that. It's hard. They're going to feel bad, or angry. But at least you will let them know where they stand right then and there. Remember that in a friendship there may have been good times. They may have helped you. The other half of the friendship is a human being, with problems, issues, flaws, feelings, emotions, thoughts, and a heart. All of that needs to be taken into account and respected at the "end".

Originally Posted by ReddSkyes

This is exactly the problem with friendships. People think it's OK to just "disappear" without any regard for how they will make the other person feel.

You say that you had a lot of personal suffering and didn't have time or energy to invest in a friendship. That is perfectly logical and understandable. Unfortunately you didn't communicate this to her. You just cut her off and later came back when you were ready. It is possible that you weren't thinking clearly when you stopped communicating with her the first time. Again, understandable. However, later on, you had the opportunity to rectify this and explain things. It doesn't sound like you ever did.

Later, your friend was angry and told you she felt abandoned. I don't blame her for that, but I do blame her for having to get drunk to say it. She also didn't need to say she hated you, but again she was drunk (lesson learned; never drink with others.) In the end what did you do? You disappeared for good. When she told you "I'll have to come visit" maybe she was just being nice. I don't know. You said she didn't get it... I'm not seeing where you communicated to her the friendship was over. You were free to move on from her because of her problems, issue, lack of growth, whatever. In order for her to understand where you were coming from and "get it", you needed to tell her.

With romantic and family relationships, most people make an effort to communicate the need for "space". With friendships, because people have some idea that emotions like love, affection, admiration, are not as important because it's *only* a friendship, they think it's ok to just drop the other person without so much as a whisper.

I currently have a friend (still?) that has done this regularly. When he would get mad or annoyed with me, he would just cut communication. Never mind the fact that HE WANTED to keep in DAILY contact with me for the last few years. Every email, text, and phone call would be outright ignored. I'd feel disregarded, slighted. I'd wonder and worry over what I may have done wrong. Time and again. I've accumulate much resentment. He doesn't get it. To him, it was always just "taking a break." He's never going to get it until it's done to him and he feels how I've felt... and even then...

To the OP, be an adult about things. If you want to just keep in touch with this person every once in a while, tell them that. It's hard. They're going to feel bad, or angry. But at least you will let them know where they stand right then and there. Remember that in a friendship there may have been good times. They may have helped you. The other half of the friendship is a human being, with problems, issues, flaws, feelings, emotions, thoughts, and a heart. All of that needs to be taken into account and respected at the "end".

It's easy to judge. It's harder to understand.

Originally Posted by BlueCherokee

Do you mind me asking: do you make attachments with people or do you keep a safe emotional distance? I feel that a certain amount of co-dependence in relationships is natural. I wish I could let go of people so easily because I struggle with fear of rejection, maybe that's why I'm afraid to reject my friend. Plus, I know her. It would break her heart.

Thinking you can get through life without either hurting someone or being hurt by someone isn't likely going to bear fruit. Did it hurt when my friend broke our friendship over the price of a video? Of course it hurt my feelings. But, people hurt each other. It's part of life. And it's going to keep happening until everyone deals with the pain of their past. The reason we get hurt is because we've stored pain, and then someone touches that pain.

I don't have many friends, usually one or two at any one time. Mostly because it's a lot of work having friends and sometimes it's not worth the work, so I choose not to invest in the friendship as a hypocrite. In other words, I'm not going to be friends with someone unless I'm really invested. And I'm not going to pretend to care more than I actually do.

Friendships end all the time, some people make it a bigger deal than it needs to be when a friendship ends. Again, friendships end every minute of every day all over the world. It's normal. It's part of life. There's no blame. There's no judgment. It's just how it is. It sucks if a friendship ends when you don't want it to. And it sucks when you have to end a friendship. But it is common and part of life. You have two choices: hurt your friend by being honest OR hurt your friend by slowly disappearing from their life. Either way they will get hurt. If you slowly disappear from their life, there's a small chance it won't hurt. If you outright tell them it's over, it will definitely hurt, even if they don't show it.

The friendship I ended ended because I got tired of listening to her complain about her latest boyfriend. I believe if you are not willing to do something about a problem you have, you have no right to whine about it. Clearly she just went from bad boyfriend to bad boyfriend to bad boyfriend. That's not friendship, that's therapy and it's like a broken record. Friendship is a two way street, if you are not getting anything out of it, then you are being a hypocrite by staying in the friendship.

Originally Posted by BlueCherokee

Do you mind me asking: do you make attachments with people or do you keep a safe emotional distance? I feel that a certain amount of co-dependence in relationships is natural. I wish I could let go of people so easily because I struggle with fear of rejection, maybe that's why I'm afraid to reject my friend. Plus, I know her. It would break her heart.

Thinking you can get through life without either hurting someone or being hurt by someone isn't likely going to bear fruit. Did it hurt when my friend broke our friendship over the price of a video? Of course it hurt my feelings. But, people hurt each other. It's part of life. And it's going to keep happening until everyone deals with the pain of their past. The reason we get hurt is because we've stored pain, and then someone touches that pain.

I don't have many friends, usually one or two at any one time. Mostly because it's a lot of work having friends and sometimes it's not worth the work, so I choose not to invest in the friendship as a hypocrite. In other words, I'm not going to be friends with someone unless I'm really invested. And I'm not going to pretend to care more than I actually do.

Friendships end all the time, some people make it a bigger deal than it needs to be when a friendship ends. Again, friendships end every minute of every day all over the world. It's normal. It's part of life. There's no blame. There's no judgment. It's just how it is. It sucks if a friendship ends when you don't want it to. And it sucks when you have to end a friendship. But it is common and part of life. You have two choices: hurt your friend by being honest OR hurt your friend by slowly disappearing from their life. Either way they will get hurt. If you slowly disappear from their life, there's a small chance it won't hurt. If you outright tell them it's over, it will definitely hurt, even if they don't show it.

The friendship I ended ended because I got tired of listening to her complain about her latest boyfriend. I believe if you are not willing to do something about a problem you have, you have no right to whine about it. Clearly she just went from bad boyfriend to bad boyfriend to bad boyfriend. That's not friendship, that's therapy and it's like a broken record. Friendship is a two way street, if you are not getting anything out of it, then you are being a hypocrite by staying in the friendship.

[ReddSkyes]

Originally Posted by clairerobin

It's easy to judge. It's harder to understand.

I understand. I've been on both sides of this kind of situation. I understood perfectly.

My point is that simply disappearing from the lives of other people without telling them is childish. We've all done it though. That doesn't make it right, appropriate, etc. I can see both sides of the situation based on what you posted. You don't have to be friends with anyone who isn't meeting your needs or reciprocating appropriately. It's just better to tell a person where they stand in your life. Be strong and be ready for the reaction.

[ReddSkyes]

Originally Posted by BlueCherokee

Do you mind me asking: do you make attachments with people or do you keep a safe emotional distance? I feel that a certain amount of co-dependence in relationships is natural. I wish I could let go of people so easily because I struggle with fear of rejection, maybe that's why I'm afraid to reject my friend. Plus, I know her. It would break her heart.

You haven't really explained this "distance" you spoke of. Are you moving and want to keep correspondences to an email or two a week at best? Do you want to hang out less? Does she want to be friends and you just want to be acquaintances? How close are you now? How often do you spend time with each other? Have you two helped one another, been a part of each others lives and struggles, or just get together casually for a drink, movie, etc? Did something happen recently, once or twice or multiple times that has changed the way you see or feel about her? Are either of you currently going through a difficult time?

I'm not asking because I want all the details. This is to get you thinking. I believe it's important to weigh all of this before you decide how you should proceed.

As I told another member, it is probably better to not disappear. If it is better for her feelings, things such as work, school, life, personal issues can be used as reasons for less interaction. This could take a good long while though. If she has done something, or you feel like you are "moving on" and she doesn't "fit" your plans, maturity, where you're going, then it's probably better for her sake you find a gentle way to tell her.

@Clair, sorry to hear what you went through with your friend. And the first one was out of line with how angry she got at you while she was drunk, but if she never did that before, and she was drunk, then maybe she didn't really mean those things she said. Idk. Only you know that for sure since it was your friend.

As for not getting the hint when you decided to move, some people don't take hints that well. Maybe she assumed that you'd still want to be friends as all you said is that you're going to move far, far away. One friend did that to me, and once I said oh, I'll miss you, let's keep in touch, she said nothing at all, not even a I'll miss you too, and yeah, let's keep in touch.

Now that's a very strong hint! Looking back, I didn't get it at first. I think that it would've helped to be more clear with that one friend such as you don't think that you'll have any time to see her once you move, or that you don't think that a long distant friendship would work out. So I do agree with what Redd said in his/her response to you regarding that one friend.

As for the second one, you made things clear to her, and since she chose to not listen to you, that's her problem. It hurts when a friend that you've been close to for so long just disappears out of the blue for no apparent reason. If that happened to the other person, then they'd probably be hurt too. I'd much rather have someone tell me exactly why they don't want to be my friend anymore, even if it's something hurtful than to be cut out of someones life and never knowing why things ended the way that it did.

The worst thing that can happen in a relationship is never getting any closure on why things ended. If the friend is more like an acquaintance, then I don't bother doing any of this, but if they're a good friend, I try to communicate how their behviour affects me and then give the chance to change. If they don't, then I'll cut them out of my life like you did with that friend who wouldn't keep whining about all of her bad boy friends.

Even the slow fade hurts. My point is that never do anything to anyone else that you wouldn't want done to you. I think that open communication is always your best option unless you think that friend will try to get back at you in some way by doing so. Then by all means do the slow fade or no contact.

Originally Posted by ReddSkyes

This is exactly the problem with friendships. People think it's OK to just "disappear" without any regard for how they will make the other person feel.

You say that you had a lot of personal suffering and didn't have time or energy to invest in a friendship. That is perfectly logical and understandable. Unfortunately you didn't communicate this to her. You just cut her off and later came back when you were ready. It is possible that you weren't thinking clearly when you stopped communicating with her the first time. Again, understandable. However, later on, you had the opportunity to rectify this and explain things. It doesn't sound like you ever did.

Later, your friend was angry and told you she felt abandoned. I don't blame her for that, but I do blame her for having to get drunk to say it. She also didn't need to say she hated you, but again she was drunk (lesson learned; never drink with others.) In the end what did you do? You disappeared for good. When she told you "I'll have to come visit" maybe she was just being nice. I don't know. You said she didn't get it... I'm not seeing where you communicated to her the friendship was over. You were free to move on from her because of her problems, issue, lack of growth, whatever. In order for her to understand where you were coming from and "get it", you needed to tell her.

With romantic and family relationships, most people make an effort to communicate the need for "space". With friendships, because people have some idea that emotions like love, affection, admiration, are not as important because it's *only* a friendship, they think it's ok to just drop the other person without so much as a whisper.

I currently have a friend (still?) that has done this regularly. When he would get mad or annoyed with me, he would just cut communication. Never mind the fact that HE WANTED to keep in DAILY contact with me for the last few years. Every email, text, and phone call would be outright ignored. I'd feel disregarded, slighted. I'd wonder and worry over what I may have done wrong. Time and again. I've accumulate much resentment. He doesn't get it. To him, it was always just "taking a break." He's never going to get it until it's done to him and he feels how I've felt... and even then...

To the OP, be an adult about things. If you want to just keep in touch with this person every once in a while, tell them that. It's hard. They're going to feel bad, or angry. But at least you will let them know where they stand right then and there. Remember that in a friendship there may have been good times. They may have helped you. The other half of the friendship is a human being, with problems, issues, flaws, feelings, emotions, thoughts, and a heart. All of that needs to be taken into account and respected at the "end".

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That was very well said! I couldn't agree with you more on that! It seems like to many people are afraid of being direct with their friends. If more people would just be more open and direct instead of expecting their friends to take subtle hints, or to pick up on their passive aggressive messages, then maybe these kind of things wouldn't happen as often.

I'm speaking in general terms here and not directing anything at Claire. It does hurt like hell when people that you thought cared about you just toss you aside like you never meant anything to them at all for no apparent reason. Then you're left wondering what the hell it is that you did wrong, cry about it, get depressed, get angry, think that you're the problem even though you might have never really been the problem, etc...

As for your friend, they sound like they enjoy using the silent treatment and passive-aggressive behaviour every time they get upset with you. I hate that. That is childish and cowardly behaviour IMHO. I could never be friends with someone who pulls crap like that and think that it's OK to do so. I respect friends who are honest and direct. Not childish immature ones who don't have the balls to tell me how they really feel.

Like I mentioned before, if there is a problem in a friendship, it can maybe be saved if both people can communicate their feelings to each other in and adult manner. I'll always tell a friend if their behaviour is upsetting or hurting me and give them a chance to change that behaviour. If they don't, then that's when I'll cut them out of my life if they can't stop upsetting or hurting me with their negative or annoying behaviour.

Have you ever talked to your friend about how his behaviour is upsetting you? If not, I think that you should. Like I said, sometimes misunderstandings occur, and some friendships can be saved just by speaking up more often. But that's only if the other person is able to listen and understand your feelings and your side of the story. If they can't, then at least you'll know that you made an effort to save the friendship.

Originally Posted by ReddSkyes

You haven't really explained this "distance" you spoke of. Are you moving and want to keep correspondences to an email or two a week at best? Do you want to hang out less? Does she want to be friends and you just want to be acquaintances? How close are you now? How often do you spend time with each other? Have you two helped one another, been a part of each others lives and struggles, or just get together casually for a drink, movie, etc? Did something happen recently, once or twice or multiple times that has changed the way you see or feel about her? Are either of you currently going through a difficult time?

I'm not asking because I want all the details. This is to get you thinking. I believe it's important to weigh all of this before you decide how you should proceed.

As I told another member, it is probably better to not disappear. If it is better for her feelings, things such as work, school, life, personal issues can be used as reasons for less interaction. This could take a good long while though. If she has done something, or you feel like you are "moving on" and she doesn't "fit" your plans, maturity, where you're going, then it's probably better for her sake you find a gentle way to tell her.

I think everything through for weeks before I make choices like this. Thinking about it now isn't going to change anything. I'm perfectly at peace with the friendship ending. Why? Because the friends I had in grade one are different than the ones I had in grade 7 and are different than the ones I had in grade 11 and are different than the ones I had at age 21 and are different than the ones I had at age 28 and are different than the ones I had at age 35 and are...I could repeat this all the way to age 60. My friends have changed close to 10 times over my lifetime.

You get the picture. Ending friendships is natural, normal and part of life. In almost ALL cases, my friends changed and there was NO announcement. No one came to me and said I'm ending our friendship. I'm sixty and this didn't happen even once, with the exception of my friend who emailed me and told me to "have a good life." In that particular case, all she had to do was not reply to my email or phone messages and I would have gotten the message.

This is an extraordinarily small issue that is being made into an extraordinarily big issue. Friendships end all the time AND the vast majority of them don't end with an announcement or discussion. Should they? If it makes YOU feel better. I'm not convinced it makes THEM feel better.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

@Clair, sorry to hear what you went through with your friend. And the first one was out of line with how angry she got at you while she was drunk, but if she never did that before, and she was drunk, then maybe she didn't really mean those things she said. Idk. Only you know that for sure since it was your friend.

As for not getting the hint when you decided to move, some people don't take hints that well. Maybe she assumed that you'd still want to be friends as all you said is that you're going to move far, far away. One friend did that to me, and once I said oh, I'll miss you, let's keep in touch, she said nothing at all, not even a I'll miss you too, and yeah, let's keep in touch.

Now that's a very strong hint! Looking back, I didn't get it at first. I think that it would've helped to be more clear with that one friend such as you don't think that you'll have any time to see her once you move, or that you don't think that a long distant friendship would work out. So I do agree with what Redd said in his/her response to you regarding that one friend.

As for the second one, you made things clear to her, and since she chose to not listen to you, that's her problem. It hurts when a friend that you've been close to for so long just disappears out of the blue for no apparent reason. If that happened to the other person, then they'd probably be hurt too. I'd much rather have someone tell me exactly why they don't want to be my friend anymore, even if it's something hurtful than to be cut out of someones life and never knowing why things ended the way that it did.

The worst thing that can happen in a relationship is never getting any closure on why things ended. If the friend is more like an acquaintance, then I don't bother doing any of this, but if they're a good friend, I try to communicate how their behviour affects me and then give the chance to change. If they don't, then I'll cut them out of my life like you did with that friend who wouldn't keep whining about all of her bad boy friends.

Even the slow fade hurts. My point is that never do anything to anyone else that you wouldn't want done to you. I think that open communication is always your best option unless you think that friend will try to get back at you in some way by doing so. Then by all means do the slow fade or no contact.

This is well written and quite understanding on your part. It's not possible for a friendship to end without someone getting hurt. It's like believing you can fall in love, it ends, and no one gets hurt. The only way a friendship can end without anyone getting hurt is if you weren't really friends to begin with. In other words, it can end without hurt if neither one of you really cared all that much about the other. But then that's not friendship is it? The other way it might end without hurt is if it merely fades away and you move on without each other. The MOST painful way for it to end is with an announcement.

I'm saying it's going to hurt no matter what. Trying to find a way to make it not hurt is futile. I requested of my friend that we stop talking about our problems all the time, mostly because I didn't have any problems to talk about, as I solve my problems rather than live with them. It's exhausting having that negative talk all the time for hours on end. I also got tired of her talking about her latest deadbeat boyfriend. And she merely moved from one deadbeat boyfriend to the next. I'm sure she's on her fourth since the last time I talked to her.

She silently agreed (didn't oppose it). Then the next time we talked on the phone she announced "we can talk about our problems." And she proceeded to speak about her current deadbeat boyfriend. This gets old really fast. I'm not a therapist. The most painful way to end a friendship is to "talk" about it, because you can end up in a long argument over it. And you don't have to end up in that argument, you've chosen to end up in that argument.

Friendships run their course and end, that's all there is to it. Announcing an end to a friendship is the worst way to end it.

Originally Posted by clairerobin

This is well written and quite understanding on your part. It's not possible for a friendship to end without someone getting hurt. It's like believing you can fall in love, it ends, and no one gets hurt. The only way a friendship can end without anyone getting hurt is if you weren't really friends to begin with. In other words, it can end without hurt if neither one of you really cared all that much about the other. But then that's not friendship is it? The other way it might end without hurt is if it merely fades away and you move on without each other. The MOST painful way for it to end is with an announcement.

I'm saying it's going to hurt no matter what. Trying to find a way to make it not hurt is futile. I requested of my friend that we stop talking about our problems all the time, mostly because I didn't have any problems to talk about, as I solve my problems rather than live with them. It's exhausting having that negative talk all the time for hours on end. I also got tired of her talking about her latest deadbeat boyfriend. And she merely moved from one deadbeat boyfriend to the next. I'm sure she's on her fourth since the last time I talked to her.

She silently agreed (didn't oppose it). Then the next time we talked on the phone she announced "we can talk about our problems." And she proceeded to speak about her current deadbeat boyfriend. This gets old really fast. I'm not a therapist. The most painful way to end a friendship is to "talk" about it, because you can end up in a long argument over it. And you don't have to end up in that argument, you've chosen to end up in that argument.

Friendships run their course and end, that's all there is to it. Announcing an end to a friendship is the worst way to end it.

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Thanks for your kind words. I try to see things from another persons p.o.v as much as I can. Anyways, wow, aye aye aye!!! I've also had friends like that in the past. They are super annoying, and it does get old fast! It sounds like you gave her fair warning, but she chose to ignore things after awhile.

And she kept on making the same mistake over and over again. Ugh! With my former bff, I did give her closure only so she could learn from her mistakes. I wasn't mean in my email to her, but maybe I could've sugar coated things a bit more. She'd do the same thing but after awhile she told me twice that she didn't want to hear about my problems. Especially when I'd never do anything about them. That was quite hypocritical of her since I have limits to what I can do about certain things. Plus she always obsess about ex b.f's and what ifs.

So I know how you feel when it comes to dealing with annoying people like that. They do sound like broken records, lol! You're right, friends are not free therapists! I try not to be to much of a burden on people most of the time now as I don't want to loose any of the great friends that I currently have.

[ReddSkyes]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

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That was very well said! I couldn't agree with you more on that! It seems like to many people are afraid of being direct with their friends. If more people would just be more open and direct instead of expecting their friends to take subtle hints, or to pick up on their passive aggressive messages, then maybe these kind of things wouldn't happen as often.

I'm speaking in general terms here and not directing anything at Claire. It does hurt like hell when people that you thought cared about you just toss you aside like you never meant anything to them at all for no apparent reason. Then you're left wondering what the hell it is that you did wrong, cry about it, get depressed, get angry, think that you're the problem even though you might have never really been the problem, etc...

As for your friend, they sound like they enjoy using the silent treatment and passive-aggressive behaviour every time they get upset with you. I hate that. That is childish and cowardly behaviour IMHO. I could never be friends with someone who pulls crap like that and think that it's OK to do so. I respect friends who are honest and direct. Not childish immature ones who don't have the balls to tell me how they really feel.

Like I mentioned before, if there is a problem in a friendship, it can maybe be saved if both people can communicate their feelings to each other in and adult manner. I'll always tell a friend if their behaviour is upsetting or hurting me and give them a chance to change that behaviour. If they don't, then that's when I'll cut them out of my life if they can't stop upsetting or hurting me with their negative or annoying behaviour.

Have you ever talked to your friend about how his behaviour is upsetting you? If not, I think that you should. Like I said, sometimes misunderstandings occur, and some friendships can be saved just by speaking up more often. But that's only if the other person is able to listen and understand your feelings and your side of the story. If they can't, then at least you'll know that you made an effort to save the friendship.

Thanks.

I have mentioned it. Talked to him about it. He maintains that he was taking a "break" and meant no harm. It was always later when I'd realize he was mad about something. I don't know if he will ever "get" my side of things. He can understand, as he is very intelligent. But will he care? Will understanding make a dent in that thick head of his? I don't think so.

I recently, flat out told him to STOP doing a particular thing to me. I told him in no uncertain terms... "Do not do it again. Please." I'll wait until Monday to check my email. Don't want his reply to ruin my weekend.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

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Thanks for your kind words. I try to see things from another persons p.o.v as much as I can. Anyways, wow, aye aye aye!!! I've also had friends like that in the past. They are super annoying, and it does get old fast! It sounds like you gave her fair warning, but she chose to ignore things after awhile.

And she kept on making the same mistake over and over again. Ugh! With my former bff, I did give her closure only so she could learn from her mistakes. I wasn't mean in my email to her, but maybe I could've sugar coated things a bit more. She'd do the same thing but after awhile she told me twice that she didn't want to hear about my problems. Especially when I'd never do anything about them. That was quite hypocritical of her since I have limits to what I can do about certain things. Plus she always obsess about ex b.f's and what ifs.

So I know how you feel when it comes to dealing with annoying people like that. They do sound like broken records, lol! You're right, friends are not free therapists! I try not to be to much of a burden on people most of the time now as I don't want to loose any of the great friends that I currently have.

It took me a long time to recognise how negative I was. When I did realise it, I decided to stop talking negatively all the time, like talking for hours on end with my friend about how much our lives sucked. Instead I decided to try to improve my life. Merely stopping talking so negatively all the time changed things immediately. Nobody wants to be around a whiner who always has problems. And nobody wants to talk about the same problem forever. If one needs to do that, that's what paid therapy is for.

Being a good friend is much more than informing someone you are choosing to end the friendship. And friendships usually just end organically, people drift apart and move on, without an announcement.

Now I really watch how much (often) I burden my friends with my problems. And I don't keep talking about the problem forever. I think my friends today are the first true friends I've had, because it's based on mutual sharing of normal life. It's not based upon mutual commiseration of how much our lives suck.

I have the utmost of respect for people who want to talk about their problems if they are also open to talking about solutions. If problems are merely presented without the possibility of solution, then that person is just wasting my time.

Originally Posted by ReddSkyes

Thanks.

I have mentioned it. Talked to him about it. He maintains that he was taking a "break" and meant no harm. It was always later when I'd realize he was mad about something. I don't know if he will ever "get" my side of things. He can understand, as he is very intelligent. But will he care? Will understanding make a dent in that thick head of his? I don't think so.

I recently, flat out told him to STOP doing a particular thing to me. I told him in no uncertain terms... "Do not do it again. Please." I'll wait until Monday to check my email. Don't want his reply to ruin my weekend.

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Wow, it sounds like he's a passive aggressive person! There are lots of sites on here that can help you figure out how to deal with people like that. Youtube has lots of helpful videos on there. Look them up.

If you tell him to stop doing something, and he STILL does, it, then you need to tell him to stop doing that again or ELSE you will not respond back to him, talk to him, text him, email him, whatever. Then DO it!

When you show others that they there will be consequences for their actions, it can motivate them to adjust how they end up treating you. If all else fails, then maybe it's time to move on and find better friends, or to just keep him as a casual acquaintance.

Originally Posted by clairerobin

It took me a long time to recognise how negative I was. When I did realise it, I decided to stop talking negatively all the time, like talking for hours on end with my friend about how much our lives sucked. Instead I decided to try to improve my life. Merely stopping talking so negatively all the time changed things immediately. Nobody wants to be around a whiner who always has problems. And nobody wants to talk about the same problem forever. If one needs to do that, that's what paid therapy is for.

Being a good friend is much more than informing someone you are choosing to end the friendship. And friendships usually just end organically, people drift apart and move on, without an announcement.

Now I really watch how much (often) I burden my friends with my problems. And I don't keep talking about the problem forever. I think my friends today are the first true friends I've had, because it's based on mutual sharing of normal life. It's not based upon mutual commiseration of how much our lives suck.

I have the utmost of respect for people who want to talk about their problems if they are also open to talking about solutions. If problems are merely presented without the possibility of solution, then that person is just wasting my time.

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I'm glad to hear that you made some positive improvements in your life. I have too in some ways. You're right, it is annoying to listen to the same crap again and again.

I try not to burden friends most of the time, but sometimes we all need to vent about a bad day or what a rude jerk someone was to us! It's normal. We can't always do stuff like avoid annoying family members, or find a better job if we happen to hate our current one, so I can let most people get away with venting about that stuff.

I'm afraid that I might've pushed some people away in the past by talking to much about certain things. Or maybe expecting to much from them. I regret doing all of that. Now I have more self awareness. I don't want to loose the friends that I have now, so I will definitely be more careful to censor myself and try to mostly be the fun and supportive friend instead of the whiny one now.

[ReddSkyes]

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

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Wow, it sounds like he's a passive aggressive person! There are lots of sites on here that can help you figure out how to deal with people like that. Youtube has lots of helpful videos on there. Look them up.

If you tell him to stop doing something, and he STILL does, it, then you need to tell him to stop doing that again or ELSE you will not respond back to him, talk to him, text him, email him, whatever. Then DO it!

When you show others that they there will be consequences for their actions, it can motivate them to adjust how they end up treating you. If all else fails, then maybe it's time to move on and find better friends, or to just keep him as a casual acquaintance.

Yeah.

I feel bad. Still. Sometimes I wonder if I should be more laid back and chill with whatever he says or however he reacts. Then I realize I have been.

What has made this so hard is that the good in him, and in our friendship, FAR outweighs the bad. I mean, how often is that the case? It's usually the other way around.

Originally Posted by ReddSkyes

Yeah.

I feel bad. Still. Sometimes I wonder if I should be more laid back and chill with whatever he says or however he reacts. Then I realize I have been.

What has made this so hard is that the good in him, and in our friendship, FAR outweighs the bad. I mean, how often is that the case? It's usually the other way around.

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Idk, maybe it'd help if you lower your expectations a little. Not saying that you're expecting to much, just saying that with some people, you just have to accept the fact that they're never going to change.

You can change your reaction to him though and not let him upset you as much. I think it'd help you to look up stuff on here about passive aggressive friends and difficult friends, and how to deal with them.

When the good outweighs the bad, then it's worth keeping the friendship going for sure. Also, good friends are hard to find, so do whatever you can within reason, and never take any friendship for granted. Doing so can end what took years to build.

Originally Posted by Shy Introvert

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I'm glad to hear that you made some positive improvements in your life. I have too in some ways. You're right, it is annoying to listen to the same crap again and again.

I try not to burden friends most of the time, but sometimes we all need to vent about a bad day or what a rude jerk someone was to us! It's normal. We can't always do stuff like avoid annoying family members, or find a better job if we happen to hate our current one, so I can let most people get away with venting about that stuff.

I'm afraid that I might've pushed some people away in the past by talking to much about certain things. Or maybe expecting to much from them. I regret doing all of that. Now I have more self awareness. I don't want to loose the friends that I have now, so I will definitely be more careful to censor myself and try to mostly be the fun and supportive friend instead of the whiny one now.

There are some things you can do that are free and easy to help you when you are struggling. I know it sounds ridiculous, but everyone can go for a walk by themselves. This gives you time to talk to yourself. You can say inside your head what you would say to your friend if someone was there to listen to you.

And you may not find solutions during that walk and self talk, but it's available any time you want it. The other thing that helps is deep breathing. If you go to a park and find a quiet place, you can do self talk and deep breathing together.

Again, this doesn't solve it, but it gives you a chance to go over the problem in your head like you would do if you were talking to a friend. After a few minutes of deep breathing, you look around and try to find one reason to smile. It could be a memory, something you see around you or something you have to look forward to.

Basically, it's a moment when you find something to be grateful for. Although you may be in turmoil at that moment, your entire life wasn't like that. There were moments of happiness. You need to re-direct your thinking to those moments.

But you need to avoid circular thinking. Going over a past painful event over and over and over isn't helpful. Self talk is about finding your way back out of the darkness.