I just stumbled onto the concept of "childhood emotional neglect" and it was as though a lightbulb came on.
I have been struggling to understand possible reasons why I developed into a very depressed, anxiety filled and isolated young adult out of a perfectly normal happy childhood...
I also have been having difficulty understanding why a lot of my resentment lands on my mom, who has actively done little to warrant such angry feelings.
Prior to my parents divorce, I was already sad, self-isolating, and growing apart from my mother.
I think emotional neglect is the key! I grew up with everything, except validation when I really needed it. I remember these key moments when I would go to my mother and try to receive some understanding or comfort, but I would either be hushed and hugged when I wanted advice (and thus dismissed) or given advice when I wanted to be held (and thus rebuked).
Two moments stand out: The first was going to mom to get advice about a boy I liked. I only remember talking to her about it once, and she didn't cheer me on and encourage me excitedly to go after him, she just said some lukewarm 'oh that's great'. The second was middle school, I got one B on a nearly straight As report card, but my older brother got all straight As. I was very upset, but my parents brushed it off. They didn't care about my grades. I remember after that point having a very laissez faire attitude towards school and grades (which boiled down to not studying and not doing homework on time throughout high school and into college)
As an adult I have already come to realize that my mother doesn't seem to recognize certain emotional needs of others, particularly her kids. Only recently did I get up the courage to ask her to just hug me when I'm really depressed and crying buckets. It seemed like a no brainer to me: why didn't she just know right away to hug me? I have had these dark pointless crying jags many times before, and she'd sit coldly across the room and try to give advice... as I cried alone!
I always thought that was so weird because she seems like a really sensitive warm person. Except that she doesn't give away hugs freely. I think this is because she was emotionally neglected as a child.
When she was a preteen, her brother died and her parents must have just pulled away in their grief. I think they probably didn't talk about it much. Her parents are very religious, charitable and giving, but emotionally there's some formality. I used to think it was just old-fashioned behavior, but now I'm convinced it has to do with their son.
I'm relieved that I found this out. I think it might help me to understand and reduce some of my anger towards mom. After all, it's not entirely her fault if she can't notice when I'm depressed. Also, I'm an adult and she never hit me or anything. I am glad though that I can understand why my "perfect childhood" didn't turn me out so great... and now I know that it isn't my fault that I feel flawed and unworthy.
Do any of you have similar experiences? And just to be clear, I'm talking rosy cheerful childhoods with just an odd feeling that something was missing...

I had a similar experience…they whole having everything material that I needed, but lacking love/affection/emotional support etc. My parents pretty much stopped showing me any sort of affection at all when I was young because I wasn't an affectionate child. Touching and being touched are things I've had to relearn to do and I still struggle with to this day. But based on my childhood experiences, even the act of reaching out and touching someone seems wrong and dirty even. I don't remember them ever really saying "I love you" that often either…and I never talked to them about my feelings. I can only talk about business matters (money, practical advice, how to fix this or that etc.). I don't even really talk to them anymore and as soon as I become financially independent, I'm not sure there's much of a reason to…what's to talk about then? If I call my mom just to ask how she is/what's going on, it's like I'm wasting her time because obviously nothing is going on but the usual stuff. And I wouldn't call my dad because I don't like my dad…I mean, I can forgive my mom; my brother died as a baby as well and I feel like she's at least tried. My dad treated me and my mom like dirt growing up and it's the reason I have had so much trouble with men. I've expected them to treat me like crap and been fine with allowing them to. They never hit me either…although I was always terrified that my dad would if I said/did the wrong thing. I still feel that with men even today.

For some good news, I'm in a relationship with a man now that doesn't treat me like this and has been understanding about my touch and trust/consent issues due to me not being allowed/able to say no in the past. It's very difficult to trust when you've been conditioned not to, when you've been conditioned to expect to be treated like dirt. Deep down, I'm terrified that he'll become my father…I've even had nightmares about it. But so far he hasn't. Maybe someday I'll learn to trust and expect being treated in a loving manner. Maybe there is hope for people like us to heal.

[curley]

Hi Bluedonna, reading your post was kind of strange, cause I was thinking well others are probably reading this thinking so big deal, she had everything. Well in some ways yes, but emotionally NO you did not. That affects kids in different ways. I think having nothing materialistic but everything in the way of love and caring makes all the difference in the world.
Consider yourself fortunate to have realized what was up with your family. That you will not make those mistakes. That you know you need loving, and caring and someone who will listen to your thoughts and wishes and want to understand and love you. Good Luck to you

You know, It's amazing that not long after I posted this, I was having a conversation with my Dad, and when I mentioned my discomfort living with my mom (without explaining all of this) he immediately began to affirm what I had been feeling! He said he noticed that she had been pulling away from us kids and acting kind of separate from us, almost like a stranger... He even told me that his girlfriend observed my mom acting distant and strange to my brother, not asking how he was even though she hadn't seen him in a long time!
It's so eerie, but it's also relieving to know I'm not imagining things. If an outsider like my dad's girlfriend could see the oddity in her relationship with her son, then clearly something weird is going on. And not that it's only been these past few years, but I guess she's had a bit more freedom since we kids went to college, and she decided to take a step further back...
Thanks for the hopeful comments! It's good to know i'm not alone.

[JustShakey]

Bluedonna, your experience sounds a lot like mine in ways. My mother will give advice when I just want to talk and reprimand me for feeling sad and hopeless and just generally expressing negative feelings. She gets very anxious but she is not really aware of it and she 'pushes' it onto those around her. She needs to feel as though she is the strong one caring for family and friends but what ultimately happens is she usurps others' strength to serve her own need to feel strong.
I love my mom and I know her problems stem from her own childhood abuse but her lack of self awareness is truly damaging to those close to her. One of my biggest fears is that I would hurt my own children in the same way...

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[JadeAmethyst]

Is it possible to go directly to your Mother? Ask her all the things you have observed, and listen to what she has to say?

[ChipperMonkey]

Are you aware that therapists often say its those with "wonderful" childhoods who are the most messed up? I have no doubt why...

I honestly don't see this as neglect. Maybe I've read one too many stories about real neglect to see it here, and I don't believe in telling people something exists when I honestly don't believe it to be true.

Your mom not encouraging you to see a guy isn't really emotional neglect. How do you know your mom wasn't having a bad day? Ok, so along with other things, you say, but this is the pivotal point in your argument. So no, not emotional neglect.

Not everyone is huggy/huggy, but that doesn't mean they are emotionally neglectful. Your mom may be more of the hands off type person and you may need a few more hugs, but please don't label it as emotional neglect!

[JustShakey]

Emotional abuse and neglect is an insidious thing. It is very hard to see for those of us who have been through it - it's 'normal' to us. Emotional neglect of a child often occurs when the parent is unable to see the child as different from them. They will give the child what they need and want rather than what the child needs and wants. This sounds like what happened to Bluedonna and it's part of what happened to me. And yes, it *is* neglect.

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[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Are you aware that therapists often say its those with "wonderful" childhoods who are the most messed up? I have no doubt why...

I honestly don't see this as neglect. Maybe I've read one too many stories about real neglect to see it here, and I don't believe in telling people something exists when I honestly don't believe it to be true.

Your mom not encouraging you to see a guy isn't really emotional neglect. How do you know your mom wasn't having a bad day? Ok, so along with other things, you say, but this is the pivotal point in your argument. So no, not emotional neglect.

Not everyone is huggy/huggy, but that doesn't mean they are emotionally neglectful. Your mom may be more of the hands off type person and you may need a few more hugs, but please don't label it as emotional neglect!

Me thinks somebody needs more hugs.

WW

[allme]

Hi

I relate a lot to what you wrote. I myself had the illusion my parents were wonderful but after maturing (somewhat) and a lot of soul searching, I too realised how my feelings were never validated and actually how my parents were to involved in my mums illness to even try and give us what we needed.

After the initial discovery, my feelings quickly turned to anger and resentment, I blamed them for years ( which is totally un healthy) and I am still now trying to make sense of it all and actually forgive them for neglecting us (my brother and I)

The most important thing here is that you learn to accept and forgive them...IMO that is the only healthy way to move on and let go. I think every person has been messed up by their parents in one way or another; just some more than others!

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by curley

Hi Bluedonna, reading your post was kind of strange, cause I was thinking well others are probably reading this thinking so big deal, she had everything. Well in some ways yes, but emotionally NO you did not. That affects kids in different ways. I think having nothing materialistic but everything in the way of love and caring makes all the difference in the world.
Consider yourself fortunate to have realized what was up with your family. That you will not make those mistakes. That you know you need loving, and caring and someone who will listen to your thoughts and wishes and want to understand and love you. Good Luck to you

Hi Curley,

I was re-reading this thread and your point about material possessions and little or no validation and emotional support compared to having very little material possessions with love and caring, validation, etc. - all the emotional and mental support children need in order to grow into well adjusted adults - results in emotional neglect/abuse in the former and healthier children/adults in the latter.

I find that to be a very profound distinction I have never considered before. I've known/worked with many children who were severely emotionally damaged from upstanding families most people believe to be 'normal' and no one questioned about what was happening 'behind closed doors'. It seems it's easier to consider the child to be either attention-seeking or corrupted by outside influences.

I have also worked with kids from broken homes and/or foster care and/or extreme poverty who were happy, polite, well-adjusted and a joy to be around.

I just never thought about the contrasts in socioeconomics as being part of the puzzle when it comes to child emotional neglect. Thanks for pointing this out for me.

WW

I don't know. Sometimes I over think things... I've had a lot of time to question my parents as people. My mom pulls away from me regularly...it's not just a bad day thing.
I don't want to offend anyone by exploring these thoughts. I'm not an expert or even that knowledgeable about this sort of thing. And yes, my mother did provide emotional support when I was younger that many people are deprived of.
What I'm trying to do is understand my individual situation. My mother and I have issues that I"d like to understand. I also have a lot of repressed anger towards her.
I know that some of it is from the divorce. But I think a lot of it has to do with how we interact, and how she chooses to show or withhold affection.
Maybe she's not even choosing. She grew up in a family that was grieving, but repressing any kind of real discussion. So she may not know how to be more open and genuine with how she feels, or intuitive as to how her kids feel.
She probably doesn't want to imagine that any of her children could be capable of what her brother did. So she doesn't pry, nor does she realize that pretending such feelings don't exist is the root of the problem.

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by bluedonna92

I don't know. Sometimes I over think things... I've had a lot of time to question my parents as people. My mom pulls away from me regularly...it's not just a bad day thing.
I don't want to offend anyone by exploring these thoughts. I'm not an expert or even that knowledgeable about this sort of thing. And yes, my mother did provide emotional support when I was younger that many people are deprived of.
What I'm trying to do is understand my individual situation. My mother and I have issues that I"d like to understand. I also have a lot of repressed anger towards her.
I know that some of it is from the divorce. But I think a lot of it has to do with how we interact, and how she chooses to show or withhold affection.
Maybe she's not even choosing. She grew up in a family that was grieving, but repressing any kind of real discussion. So she may not know how to be more open and genuine with how she feels, or intuitive as to how her kids feel.
She probably doesn't want to imagine that any of her children could be capable of what her brother did. So she doesn't pry, nor does she realize that pretending such feelings don't exist is the root of the problem.

It's understandable that you are trying to figure out your individual situation. I can't imagine why anyone would be offended by that, but if someone is, just ignore them. I think you may have found a good starting place for improving communication with your mother by helping her realize that pretending negative feelings don't exist is the root of the problem. If you can tell her how you feel, that would help her understand better the effect her issues are having on her children. Good luck!

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Are you aware that therapists often say its those with "wonderful" childhoods who are the most messed up? I have no doubt why...

I honestly don't see this as neglect. Maybe I've read one too many stories about real neglect to see it here, and I don't believe in telling people something exists when I honestly don't believe it to be true.

Your mom not encouraging you to see a guy isn't really emotional neglect. How do you know your mom wasn't having a bad day? Ok, so along with other things, you say, but this is the pivotal point in your argument. So no, not emotional neglect.

Not everyone is huggy/huggy, but that doesn't mean they are emotionally neglectful. Your mom may be more of the hands off type person and you may need a few more hugs, but please don't label it as emotional neglect!

I think we all need to keep in mind that MI is not a competition, nor is it allowed to diagnose each other. The point here is to be supportive, not judgmental of others. It's okay to disagree about whatever we want, but it should always be done respectfully.

Hi Donna,

Let me add a touch of philosophy to the conversation here. Imo, our lives follow different seasons and supposing that the system of nature is just, everyone gets their fair share of different seasons. You were blessed with a good childhood but life had difficulties and challenges waiting to test you at a later stage. And there are people, who struggle during their childhood for numerous issues but come out better in later years. I suggest to be strong and stand fast, times good and bad, all come to an end. As they say, everything will be ok in the end. If it is not ok, then this is not the end.

I experienced emotional and physical abuse from my father and emotional (I hesitate to call it neglect because I genuinely feel she just doesn't know how to express her emotions) absence.

Now while I have for the most part come to terms with what my father did I still struggle with the emotions related to my mother. Perhaps because I find myself continuing to care take for her but I feel it is something more.

While my father may have told me I was worthless it was my mother's failure to be there when I needed her that made me feel worthless and somehow that seems harder to get past.

[VixenTalks]

Originally Posted by Anonymous100151

I just stumbled onto the concept of "childhood emotional neglect" and it was as though a lightbulb came on.
I have been struggling to understand possible reasons why I developed into a very depressed, anxiety filled and isolated young adult out of a perfectly normal happy childhood...
I also have been having difficulty understanding why a lot of my resentment lands on my mom, who has actively done little to warrant such angry feelings.
Prior to my parents divorce, I was already sad, self-isolating, and growing apart from my mother.
I think emotional neglect is the key! I grew up with everything, except validation when I really needed it. I remember these key moments when I would go to my mother and try to receive some understanding or comfort, but I would either be hushed and hugged when I wanted advice (and thus dismissed) or given advice when I wanted to be held (and thus rebuked).
Two moments stand out: The first was going to mom to get advice about a boy I liked. I only remember talking to her about it once, and she didn't cheer me on and encourage me excitedly to go after him, she just said some lukewarm 'oh that's great'. The second was middle school, I got one B on a nearly straight As report card, but my older brother got all straight As. I was very upset, but my parents brushed it off. They didn't care about my grades. I remember after that point having a very laissez faire attitude towards school and grades (which boiled down to not studying and not doing homework on time throughout high school and into college)
As an adult I have already come to realize that my mother doesn't seem to recognize certain emotional needs of others, particularly her kids. Only recently did I get up the courage to ask her to just hug me when I'm really depressed and crying buckets. It seemed like a no brainer to me: why didn't she just know right away to hug me? I have had these dark pointless crying jags many times before, and she'd sit coldly across the room and try to give advice... as I cried alone!
I always thought that was so weird because she seems like a really sensitive warm person. Except that she doesn't give away hugs freely. I think this is because she was emotionally neglected as a child.
When she was a preteen, her brother died and her parents must have just pulled away in their grief. I think they probably didn't talk about it much. Her parents are very religious, charitable and giving, but emotionally there's some formality. I used to think it was just old-fashioned behavior, but now I'm convinced it has to do with their son.
I'm relieved that I found this out. I think it might help me to understand and reduce some of my anger towards mom. After all, it's not entirely her fault if she can't notice when I'm depressed. Also, I'm an adult and she never hit me or anything. I am glad though that I can understand why my "perfect childhood" didn't turn me out so great... and now I know that it isn't my fault that I feel flawed and unworthy.
Do any of you have similar experiences? And just to be clear, I'm talking rosy cheerful childhoods with just an odd feeling that something was missing...

My parents did it because of autism. My father is probably the best father any girl could ever ask for and more, he's just unable to empathise, identify small emotions, or react to them properly. This is because of his Autism, and he was born that way. My mother, I'm not exactly sure. She's not exactly a champ, but she has her moments of being an actual mother. I believe her case is more like Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Unless you put her first under any circumstances, she will complain. Very very loudly. By first, I mean make sure she doesn't have to go to work that day, take care of the kids for her, do the dishes for her, cook dinner for her, clean the house for her (which she doesn't do), and make sure everything is perfect so she can turn around and say you do nothing always.

Basically, both my parents are unable to recognise, react to, and relate to emotional discomfort. Due to this, I was given a lot of things other kids weren't; a choice of food, patched up when I got hurt, brought to the park to play, given plenty of a social life (which never worked out). However, when I would cry my parents would see to my psysical needs and comfort me only enough to stop burdening them. Eventually to get attention I tried to feign illness, because if I burdened my parents so much something must be wrong with me! That was my explanation for it now, but I couldn't complain at the time, because I was a child, and I couldn't calculate what was wrong. As a teenager, I developed eating disorders, depression, anxiety, self esteem issues, and self harming issues. Because without that crucial emotional foundation at the slightest touch everything came tumbling down on top of me.

So similar experiences. It's similar to physical neglect, but it's still an inability or refusal to act on a child's emotional needs.

[eskielover]

Wow, this thread was started back in 2014......somehow I missed the information then. I just started hearing about emotional neglect within the last month & it definitely explains EVERYTHING that I experienced for 54 years of my life.

I can relate VixenTalks to your dad having autism. It wasn't until I was trying to figure out why my marriage was so bad & realized that I had been living with someone who had ASD (Asperger's) for 33 years. It felt like emotional abuse until I realized the real cause then I realized that no he couldn't help his behavior & the way he related in the marriage.....then that made me look back farther because I kept saying in my marriage that I didn't want to marry someone like my dad & that was exactly what happened which made me realize that my dad (who died way back in the late 1980's) most likely was ASD also. It so perfectly described his behavior. He was a very nice person....but then so was my husband....but there was no emotional connection & no ability to communicate & the anger that had built up toward my parents growing up just continued on in my marriage.

None of the emotional neglect was their FAULT.....it just was because there was no way to have emotional connection. My first definition of my parents was just that they were totally dysfunctional people I never could relate to. My mother had her own set of issues because of her bad eye sight having eyes that never developed at birth, she always had to wear very thick glasses to be able to see & she had serious self-esteem issues because of it but growing up, one doesn't look at causes, one just looks at the effects & having a mother who stayed at home & never did anything outside the house & parents who never had any friends except for one couple they got together with maybe once a year.....made my life as an only child a very sheltered one that I totally resented. The only place I got any validation was at school so obviously that was where I put ALL my effort even though my parents held no value in education....it made me hold all that much more value in it. But not having parents I could communicate with who I could even connect with because they both seemed like they came from another world....lol...my mom even commented several times on how I was so much different than them that they must have switched babies in the hospital when they brought me home. My mom had no idea how much that made me feel good because I didn't WANT to be anything like them.

Not knowing how to act in social settings, I felt like I was always trying to figure in out in the school setting I was in. I did amazingly well considering as in junior high, I was president of the orchestra & first flute, president of the Ladies club which was the academic girls club, & class representative in my last year....though when I moved to high school & there were 3 other schools that came into that school while my junior high split into 2 other high schools, I ended up feeling rather lost & only had one friend that I really was close with. My ability to connect started getting more difficult though I just kept being involved in the things that interested me that I could get to without anyone being able to drive me until I got my drivers license at 16.

My first major in college was music & then realized that it wouldn't be a career that I could support myself on so I changed to accounting & computer science & then met this guy.....thought getting married might be ok with him...he was nice....but right before the wedding, red flags started flying about his personality. I tried to talk to my mom about it & she just commented that he was the nicest guy & that oh, he would grow up & become responsible when he had to. Totally invalidated my concerns but I also wasn't good at expressing them then as I would have been now......so it was both our faults though if she had been truly supportive, she would have wanted to talk the issues through with me rather than just brushing them off.

I got to do wonderful things during those year, but I remember them for the things I did, not who I did them with.....& our poor daughter definitely has to have issues of her own with Childhood Emotional neglect because I hid out in my computer engineering career though I would always be at all her activities & she did talk to me about problems, some of which I ended up being the one to take the needed action to be there for her. I was NOT good with babies at all & made my husband take care of her for the first few years until I could start relating to her better.

The last 13 years of my marriage after my career ended, were nothing but my depression. Everyone of the mental health professionals blamed it on my overreacting to the loss of my career.....all the suicide attempts were definitely an overreaction....& they weren't a cry for help because I would do it when there was no one around & would have no one around if anything happened.....I wanted OUT. Everyone knew my mom & husband as being nice people....how could they possibly be abusive which was all they looked at & any abuse that did happen was because I was so frustrated I struck out first. There were times when my psychiatrist wouldn't release me to go home after a hospitalization because it was an abusive situation but no one ever looked at the possibility of any neglect or even that my husband had an issue that was really the cause because there were no drugs or alcohol involved.

It's really wonderful how this knowledge has become known how. Even Asperger's wasn't diagnosed in the US until 1994 & that was when my depression hit. They really didn't know much about Asperger's for years after that at least with the mental health professionals I was going to & emotional neglect is a new definition & understanding also.

The good thing is that it's nice to have a definition & understanding of what I went through for 54 years of my life. My psychologist calls it integration....putting the past with the present understanding & also integrating my current life together. It's really awesome because when I left & moved across the country to a place I didn't know anyone, I was able to start a new life & I am surrounded by the most wonderful & awesome people now. They are the most wonderful friends who are everything that I didn't have for 54 years. So many times I do fear that I will blow it or not express myself in a way so they know just how much I do appreciate them or inadvertently not do something that would be normal for others to know to do. I am so new at this connecting to people thing, it's a challenge, but a wonderful challenge, something I never imagined would ever be a part of my life. Nine years of growing mostly over the last 6 but it just keeps feeling better & better & more comfortable & definitely full of amazing friendships that I truly connect with....scary feeling at times but totally amazing & wonderful.

[Katieissweet]

Look my mum didn't even know what grade I was in,I got over it when I had bigger things to worry about.

[eskielover]

It has nothing to do with getting over it. I successfully got my BS degree & had a successful computer engineering career. What it has to with is how we relate to others successfully & how we emotionally connect with our own family & even friends. I couldn't recognize the problems that the guy I was marrying had because his crap was the normal dysfunction & lack of emotional connection that I grew up with. I didn't emotionally connect with my own daughter. I emerged myself in my career where I didn't need to connect with anyone beyond at surface level. That is where it creats issues in our lives & until we are able to get to the point where we can connect, we haven't gotten over it.