[fijiisland]

I am so far off from reality. I can't REALLY date anyone. So since my divorce I have slept with 5 married men. I am currently seeing 2 of them.

I am so lonely, have rock bottom self esteem, no confidence, social anxiety disorder, depression.

I want to change but I just revert back to my old ways. I think I do it for excitement because my life sucks.

I have no one to talk to or count on. I am surrounded by extreme negativity and criticism all the time. I wish I was never born.

[Jan1212]

I also do it as well I'm not proud of it at all so why do I keep doing it?it's unfair to the wife/GF. But most of all. It's unfair to me.

We are making this one nighters or FWB all about us.. because it gives us the rush and makes us feel wanted. But taking a closer look: we are putting ourselves in a low position ... just to be used. Like candy, and they throw the wrapper away. That's why I feel depressed after sleeping with them. It's really meaningless but it has its perks and all. But deep down we know it's hurting us in the long run.

I am single after my divorce and will remain single until I respect myself in my own way. Do what u feel is right, for you, not anyone else, here or out there in the dating world



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[hubieg]

Please dont take this as "condescending" but I wish my problem was as (seemingly) clear as this (Im posed in the marriage section).

I know the guilt and self loathing VERY VERY well. I would say in the cases here it is fear of commitment or feeling forced to commit. As long as the other is married, you dont have to worry about them wanting a commitment. The real test of this would be if you would still find the same person attractive if they divorced.

As long as they remain married, they are not a threat to your freedom.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by Jan1212

it's unfair to the wife

If there's anything I do agree with, it's this statement . I speak from first hand experience.

Originally Posted by Jan1212

I also do it as well I'm not proud of it at all so why do I keep doing it?it's unfair to the wife/GF. But most of all. It's unfair to me.




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No. It is NOT most unfair to you. It is absolutely most unfair to the spouse that is being cheated on. Don't involve yourself in that kind of deceit and betrayal.

[seeker1950]

"I am so lonely, have rock bottom self esteem, no confidence, social anxiety disorder, depression."

What you describe sounds like another form of self-abuse.Really, besides the moral issues, i.e., unfair to the wives of these men, you are hurting yourself.

Have you sought any form of counseling? Not saying this could help you, but you seem on the threshold of disaster, to be honest. With social anxiety and depression, medication is a great help, also with compulsive behavior. It has helped me immensely.

[healingme4me]

Along with counseling, there's some books out there regarding unavailable men. That would be a start. That is if you are serious about making changes to your life.

In some states the other woman can be sued for alienation of affection if the spouse decided to come after you.

Please try to understand what I say here.

I think you need to UNDERSTAND your problems. You do not need to USE your problems.

Especially when doing so causes so much harm to innocent people.

Work on fixing yourself.

[Jan1212]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

No. It is NOT most unfair to you. It is absolutely most unfair to the spouse that is being cheated on. Don't involve yourself in that kind of deceit and betrayal.

Ok your opinion. I said mine. You don't have to agree.

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Originally Posted by Jan1212

I also do it as well I'm not proud of it at all so why do I keep doing it?it's unfair to the wife/GF. But most of all. It's unfair to me.

I am single after my divorce and will remain single until I respect myself in my own way. Do what u feel is right, for you, not anyone else, here or out there in the dating world



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I strongly disagree with this. I hope you misspoke about who the victim is, here.

And yes do what is good for you, but not at somebody else's expense.

[Nammu]

You feel lonely, sleeping with married men will keep you lonely

You have low self confidence, sleeping with married men allows you to keep up the negative self talk.

If you want to change those feelings you need to change the behavior not continue to justify it because of how you feel.

[lilypup]

Did anyone mention the men here? They're not exactly innocent.

[eskielover]

The men aren't innocent, but when one has strong moral character, it doesn't matter when one comes across a man who isn't innocent. We are the ones that have to be strong enough to say NO....which seems to be a word that no one knows any more.

The married person you are sleeping with has NO emotional connection to you, you are just being used for sex by them. No wonder your self-esteem is so low & you are so lonely.

If you want to feel an emotional connection & you want to feel loved....find someone who truly loves you. Sex does not = love unless it's within the marriage bonds.

I was in a 33 year bad marriage that I left 9 years ago. I haven't been with a man since I left & have no desire. I needed to get myself together & figure out who & what I was after all those years of living in a dysfunctional marriage. I am sure that it would benefit you to do the same thing. Learn who you are & what your values are before you ever get anyone else involved in your life or get involved in anyone else's life. Marriages that end in divorce isn't because of one side or the other even in a bad marriage there are issues on both person's part that need resolved even to live a functional single life after marriage. Only then can you really be ready to accept someone else into your life. It's almost like you were so dependent or co-dependent that you have to fill in that person you need to be dependent on with someone else that truly isn't even filling the position because you can't depend on a married man.

Obviously I'm not even touching on the moral issue of what you are doing & wondering why your moral standards are so weak that your desperate desire to have someone in your life totally overshadows them? Just something you might want to wonder to yourself.

Originally Posted by lilypup

Did anyone mention the men here? They're not exactly innocent.

I assume you mean the married men?

They are not the ones who posted...

eta: I think I'll bow out of this conversation...

OP, just stop.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Jan1212

I also do it as well I'm not proud of it at all so why do I keep doing it?it's unfair to the wife/GF. But most of all. It's unfair to me.

disagree. You choose this option, so unlike the wives of the cheating husbands, it's far more unfair to them. For you all you have to do is say no to such behavior and so have a choice, they do not so that is the reason it's the most unfair to them.

We are making this one nighters or FWB all about us.. because it gives us the rush and makes us feel wanted. But taking a closer look: we are putting ourselves in a low position ... just to be used. Like candy, and they throw the wrapper away. That's why I feel depressed after sleeping with them. It's really meaningless but it has its perks and all. But deep down we know it's hurting us in the long run.

One nighters, fwb by nature are all about you, they are always all about the thrill and lack of commitment that comes with such connections.

"....just to be used...." Umm take a step back and look more clearly at your behavior, isn't it a mutual using of another person for sex, quick hook ups? What are YOU doing when you pick someone for one of these one nighters? aren't you using them just as you are calling it out as being used? If you're going to engage in this behavior, accept that this is the case or stop doing it. T

I am concerned with the idea that you make it about how it's hurting you without any regard for the significant others that are unaware of such deceit of their husbands and you. Do you really think that you're the one with the short end of the stick here?

I am single after my divorce and will remain single until I respect myself in my own way. Do what u feel is right, for you, not anyone else, here or out there in the dating world
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Do what you feel is right, for you, but I think not by sacrificing others. You do not live in a vacuum where no one else, especially the wives of the men, will not be affected by this.

[Jan1212]

This is why never post about this topic. Don't do it. People are too judgemental.

I recommend talking to a T
Keep things to yourself isn't what I go with

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[Trippin2.0]

I doubt the judgement is solely based on choice of men here.


Many people have said to reflect and get help or work on self-esteem.


What I'm reading that could come across as judgmental is people genuinely being upset at the statement you made about being the victim in these situations, when the wife is actually the one being harmed.


I personally don't even see it as judgmental, rather members pointing out your flawed thinking pattern and or complete disregard for the wife.


I don't see myself ever knowingly getting involved with a married man, but if I ever did, God knows I would feel absolutely terrible for his wife.


I certainly would not assume the role of victim if I knowingly put myself in that situation.


*Just food for thought, I'm not attacking or judging.

[divine1966]

This is the first time in my life I am hearing that saying it's wrong to sleep with married people and it's unfair to the spouse is judgemental. Say what? It's just common sense. It might be a good idea to see a t and work on ones self esteem. It's unfair to spouse who is unaware. Just common sense. There are plenty of singles to sleep with out there. And if you choose to sleep with married men you certainly aren't a victim here. It's s choice

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I think all sides are hurt when this kind of things happen. I don't think the OP posted here because she is sad about the wives. It's not correct, but if the husbands didn't find her, they will find another one. In my opinion the husbands take most of the responsibility by cheating on their wives, and thus the wives have the right to leave their husbands if they know and choose to, because they aren't good and loyal for them. People when desperate and alone can do anything.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Wandering Soul

I think all sides are hurt when this kind of things happen. I don't think the OP posted here because she is sad about the wives. It's not correct, but if the husbands didn't find her, they will find another one. In my opinion the husbands take most of the responsibility by cheating on their wives, and thus the wives have the right to leave their husbands if they know and choose to, because they aren't good and loyal for them. People when desperate and alone can do anything.

When the ones that the married person (either case male or female) is aware that the one they are with is married the married person in no way carries more of the responsibility. All parties involved are responsible in those cases although, if the person is dating someone they did not know was married which of course, happens also, then yes, the cheating spouse really carries the blame for the deceit to both the wife/husband and dated, hooked up with person.

Originally Posted by divine1966

This is the first time in my life I am hearing that saying it's wrong to sleep with married people and it's unfair to the spouse is judgemental. Say what? It's just common sense. It might be a good idea to see a t and work on ones self esteem. It's unfair to spouse who is unaware. Just common sense. There are plenty of singles to sleep with out there. And if you choose to sleep with married men you certainly aren't a victim here. It's s choice

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Yeah, I have to agree with this. When I began to read the initial post, my first thought was not to judge, it was, "Wow, this person sounds like they're hurting." I didn't balk until I came to the "...unfair to the wife/gf, but most of all to myself..." part. I am really not judging, but I am emphatically disagreeing. As everyone else has said, the unwitting spouse has no choice in the matter. The cheating husband and the person with whom he is cheating do. I understand that there are factors which led to those choices, and both parties may be hurting, but they made them all the same. Not only do I think it's unfair to expect us to react in a certain way and then be upset when we don't, I think that calling oneself a victim in this circumstance may be a bit triggering for those who have been on the other side of the table and that needs to be taken into account. Understand though that these actions are hurting more than just you.

[fijiisland]

Recently, I went out of town and the married man that I see also just happened to be out of town in the same area I was in. We were both staying at hotels with our families. When I told him that I was also in the same area he asked if he could come to my hotel room and vice versa.

However, this was too hard to arrange considering we were both with relatives. He basically wanted me to sneak out of my hotel after my teenager was asleep and drive to his hotel and then we would meet in the staircase of his hotel!

I thought about why I would do this. I would do it for excitement and because I feel desperate for human affection. I am by no means ugly and have been told I could get any man I want. But I am not in a good situation and I know exactly why I do this.

I do know if our hotels had been closer or if we were even in the same hotel I would have gone and met him. I know its sad but

[Nammu]

Do you have a therapist to talk about this with? It's a beginning that you are questioning this behavior but you need more than words on a device. You need someone who can listen and help you love yourself first.

[black-roses]

This is a very sad situation and I am sorry that you feel so sad within yourself for doing this but my suggestion for a while is maybe stay away from relationships just until you work on yourself. You need time to teach that your a confident beautiful woman that you don't need no man to make you feel wanted you need to believe that you are wanted then you'll attract men that want you for who you are not for a one-night stand. People always blame the mistress but to be honest I feel sad for the mistress they are usually the ones that felt unloved and had to sink to that level of love and admiration from a married man. People need to get angry at the man who cheated not the mistress because a lot of the time mistresses don't even know there is a wife and there being lead on. Honestly though the only person that can make you feel wanted and valued is you. Get a mirror and tell yourself that you are a beautiful strong woman who is wanted for her inner beauty. If you do this long enough you'll believe it good luck to you!

[divine1966]

Please see a t about it. If you really want a relationship maybe you can start looking? But for free man not these guys. He wants you to hide with him on a stair case. Gee. How romantic. He is a moron

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