Do girls consider outgoing guys more attractive than introverted guys?

Maybe stop all the comparing your doing to others around you?

Everyone is unique. Your overthinking, again.

Just throw yourself out there . Sure you may get shot down, most likely your brother has been shot down many times,, he just doesn't tell you all about it.. everyone gets told no for any number of reasons .. Its just the reality

But until your out there asking a woman out .... you will forever stay in this sad circle your seemingly chained yourself to.

Right now this is not about getting a date. This is about feeling inferior to my brother. I just feel threatened knowing he has this natural ability to attract girls while I don't. It makes me feel like I am being overshadowed. Also a lot of it probably has to do with trauma I suffered in high school because of him making me feel inferior and rubbing my nose in it. He has changed now and doesn't behave the way he used to, but the damage is done and the scars are still there. I think it is possible that deep down underlying all this is a fear that I will fall for a girl and she will prefer my brother over me. I think that subconsciously I know this is a very real possibility and that if it happened it would be too much for me to handle. Because of this, I feel a strong need to make sure I am on equal footing with him, that everything he has I can somehow match. Now I feel I either need to either convince myself that his witty charismatic personality is not that appealing to girls or I need to somehow develop the same witty charismatic personality myself.

Yeah you probably think I am petty and jealous, but it is the way I am and I can't help it. So you need to try to not be judgemental.

You can help it. You can change it. That's the point of therapy-- to change unhealthy behaviors and belief systems that are not working for you. Everyone else on this forum is working on improving themselves. Why should you just sit there, stay the same, complain about the same thing day after day? Life isn't fair. A lot of us got the short end of the stick. But we suck it up and work to make our lives better from this point forward. You could choose to do the same.

Shadix I am not being judgemental.

I am just responding to your many threads about the trouble you have and yes how your really overthinking things. You have been given loads of advice from A to Z .. and basically every bit of the advice you dismiss and argue how " this or that isn't going to help"

Im sorry you had trauma in the past.. Trauma sucks but at some point you have to just take a leap of faith... Personally I don't know anyone that doesn't have trauma and baggage to overcome in life. I'm not invalidating your feelings... Just stating a fact.

You said your brother has no problem catching the attention of ladies.. I cant imagine him wanting to steal some woman away from you, You yourself said you are not actively looking for someone to marry....Just someone to date , have fun with... Sure it might lead to more.. If it doesn't at least you got out there and the next woman you meet it will be easier for you to approach I bet.

I don't think your petty or jealous ... I just think that your sending vibes that might not be attractive to single women looking for someone to date.

My stepson is 28 and he has dated girls from 18 to his current Girlfriend that is 34 ... There is nothing wrong with him dating this age range nothing at all ... I really wish you could get over that whole "age thing"

I wish you the best..

I am not sure how feasible it is for me to try to change myself to no longer be jealous and to accept being inferior. I feel like jealousy/insecurity are pretty deeply ingrained aspects of your personality and don't really go away.

I would much prefer to work towards improving myself so that I am not inferior. But I am not sure how feasible that is either.

I don't think you are being judgemental, I just put that guideline in to remind people not to pass judgement on me after they read my post and realize how petty and jealous I am being.

However I do think the age thing is a big issue. As if I didn't have enough problems being socially awkward and not knowing what to say in social situations, but yes I do believe I will be judged for dating girls in their early 20s now that I am a good 5 years older than them, and it will only get worse in the next few years. Just read some of the posts on here and you will see the level of contempt many women have for mem they perceive as pursuing "younger women". And it goes beyond that, the role society assigns to men past the age of 26 or so is very different from that assigned to guy in his early 20s or teens. Guys my age are sexually repressed. We are barely even allowed to show interest in women. I believe it is all a conspiracy aimed at pressuring us to stop playng the field and settle down. The social scene is set up in a way that if we don't have our fun in college, we cannot make up for it later. I really wish it was as simple as "just go out and date who you want" but unfortunately it is not.

Can you post links that are legitimate where this skewed thought process is coming from?

True scientific studies? Not Wiki nonsense or obscure internet ramblings.

The "men" that women has been talking about being creeped out about are 60+ years old... Yes those men wanting a 18 or 25 whatever year old woman IS creepy.. and that has nothing to do with your illogical obsession about who society will accept in regards to dating at your age, None, Those are self imposed by you and you alone.

Most guys your age are not being repressed.. They are out dating and having great sex and not worried about the so called social problem of being 28 and what age you can/should date or not.

There is no conspiracy.. None nada zip.

So .. Links to true scientific studies to support your issue with age and who a guy can and can not date ????

I've highlighted the part of your paragraph which I feel may be the very root cause of how you feel about yourself.

Can I ask how did your parents and teachers react when you were belittled in this way? Did you get any support?

I am sorry you feel like this. I don't think he is superior. He might have better social skills but it doesn't make him superior. Good therapist can help you to develop better skills

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I am really surprised to hear that 28-year old guys are sexually repressed. They most certainly aren't. It's a great age for dating, which most certainly includes sex. Why would they be sexually repressed?

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Hey Shadix
Didn't read all the replies, just the initial thread. From my own introspection, one strongly tends to like and appreciate people who are similar in certain things to oneself. And I think that is also the case regarding attraction to the desired sex.
So if you're introverted (like me), you're more inclined to have friends and be interested in spouses who are introverted, and verse visa if you're extroverted. I think tho it's a truth that extroverts so to say tend to scream their own opinions and thoughts all over the place, and intorverted people tend to not show their own opinions so straigh forward. So there might be a tendency in society to believe extroverted people are more attractive. But I as an introverted girl who befriends herself to almost exclusively introverted people can tell you that's not true!
I wouldn't snap back at someone who calls you introverted. I don't think it's ment to be disparaging. However, if you feel that someone is mocking you for the way you are of course you should defend yourself.

I think you might find a way to embrace who you are rather than try to change it. The question might instead be confident Vs unconfident guys.

I can never embrace not being totally invisible to girls while my brother gets all the attention. Not in a million years

Have you asked one of these girls why they like him?

I would never do that. But I already know why. He has the personality that makes girls get wet down there. I don't. It is likely a result of his just being "faster mentally". His attempts at social interaction have always been successful so he ended up developing confidence. I with my slow processing speed always ended up being punished whenever I would put myself out there socially. So I developed a timid shy personality. That is all there is to it. Either I need to make my personalty more like his or I need to make sure he never comes near girls I am interested in and generally stays out of my social life.

Here's a page out of CBT....

Two Lists: Evidence this is true Vs Evidence this isn't true

Rapid thoughts, not just about your brother but other men in general. Now consider the likelihood of veracity of each.

Another two lists: Evidence you are worthwhile vs evidence you feel you have trouble in this respect. Again rapid thoughts and asess the veracity of each.

Combine the two lists together.

Your brother sounds like an arrogant jerk that I wouldn't want to be remotely like. Besides, it seems he is incabable of holding down a relationship.

Actually, not at all. He used to be a jerk and a bully to me when he was younger, but he grew out of it and now he is a generally a decent person. And he is actually interested in a serious relationship it seems. I am the one who is still looking to play the field. Even thoughhe hasn't had much more dating experiece than me, he has gotten the chance to enjoy the company of lots of girls and a decent amount have had crushes on him. He has already recieved his validation and now he is looking to enjoy a relationship. I am still looking for that validation.

Ok, I read it all, I think you should consider a third alternative to:
1. Changing your personality to act like someone else who you seem to hate. You would not be true to yourself.
2. Thinking all of your value comes from how much attention you get from other people.
Here it is, what if you saved some money, and traveled - what if you went somewhere you really want to go, what if you started your own life in your own way separate from your family, and your sullen sulky watching your brother?
All of your focus is on it. No wonder you are having problems.
Try to imagine what it would be like to have your own life on your terms.
Your confidence would grow so much.
And before you give one of your whiny knee-jerk reactions, know this is not going to be replied to by me. I have no need to keep placating your bottomless pit of self pity.

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With regards to your brother. It seems clear that you do a lot of comparison to him and I won't judge but suggest something.

my brother, whom I do not associate with and haven't for over 20 yrs is an arrogant b*rd. He was the one in the family with outgoing charisma, and to all that worshipped him, an unblemished personality. To them, he could do no wrong. He too was popular with almost everyone he met and had many friends, could have had many gfs if he wanted but chose his HS first gf to marry, have kids and go on with life. That's his good point, and he does have them. Although personality wise I really do not like him, I respect that he probably has some good points too.

With regards to being the introvert in the family the sensitive, emotional brother, it was hard growing up in his shadow. I understand how this affects you. Please don't misunderstand.

The idea to get away from this is a sound one. I know it may not be possible but the more you are near your brother and interacting with and around him, the more this shadow is going to feel overbearing and it does, indeed, make you question who you are, what's wrong with you, etc. Getting away, making your own way is the toughest and most amazing thing you can do for yourself. I know. I did that about 20 yrs ago. Not just my brother but family that set my role to one I did not want to be in.

Mind you, finding my independence, and myself and where I fit in, was not one that entirely happened until I was separated from my 2nd wife almost 5 yrs ago. Many times we have to be forced to get out of the situation we're in, forced to deal with things in a challenging way that we don't do on our own. But I urge you to take it upon yourself to make the change before life forces you to do so. Be your own person and that will take beign out of his shadow, maybe even for a time, cutting him out of most of your life and keeping things cordial but distant.

I think being on your own will do you wonders. I am an introvert. I now have no relationship or gf or anything. My ex (separated wife) lives with me, under my "care" (logn story) and I have two teen boys. I can now stand up for the most part to my ex who bossed me around for 14 yrs, I have no qualms about going forward in life on my own even though a gf would be nice to have, I don't need it and am my own person for the most part. This all came from being forced to be a single father alone, dealing with it and coming to terms with who I am.

I have no suggestions on how to do this but I will say find a way to get awy from not only your brother, but your family dynamic and as you find yourself, accept your personality as a good one and find value in your own role in life, you will gain confidence and find more women attracted to you.

Yes I do believe that our value comes from how much other people care about us. It is simply not possible for me to maintain a positive self image knowing that most people value my brother's company and not mine. Especially when those people are cute girls whose company I value a lot.

I think I am just not one of those people who was made a loner. In fact I am very likely a natural extrovert who was forced to adopt an introverted personality later on because of bullying and rejection. I have read something along the lines of that it causes mental issues when a person is forced to adopt the opposite function than the one they were born with.

It isn't my family that is causing my problems. If I moved away I would still have the same problems I have now, not being able to find the right words to say and hating myself because I can never impress the girls I like. My family is probably my only source of support.

Actually my family never gave my brother preferential treatment. If anything it was me who got it.

That's fine I don't mean to imply that your life was a mirror image. It's clear that his charismatic personality and ease of meeting women bothers you and overshadows your view tho.

Well I seem to have trouble finding anything in my life that could be a source of confidence. I am 28 I feel like anything I could possibly get into now it will be worthless since there will be people who have been doing it since they were younger and I can never match up to them, and even if I do the fact that they are younger makes them more impressive. I feel like I will never be anything other than average and mediocre and that just isn't good enough for me. And besides to me female sexual attention trumps everything else anyways. I feel like whoever gets the female attentionnis just superior, so if I don't get it I am inferior.

By what standards are you using to get close to other females? Are they realistic?

What do you mean? I just be myself and if they like me they like me if they don't they don't. It sometimes seems to me like girls are showing interest in me but it is likely just my wishful thinking. I'd like to think I am somewhat good looking but the reality is I am probably just average and might even be kind of ugly with just a nice body, which doesn't cut it for girls. So why would a girl like me if I don't have an attractive personality?