[Biba_yu]

Hello, I have unusual issue in my relationship. It seems like it's not that unusual, except my partner is 47 and we are (let's call it that way for now) in relationship for almost 10 years. I never had intention to get married again after failed marriage and I don't want to live with a partner for now since I live in my own really small apartment with my kid so live in partner is for now out of the question. I love my partner, since he is extraordinary good person, intelligent, smart, with great sense of humour, and he is really good friend and of course, good as partner (I mean you know..). We were friends for many years prior to relationship and I love him dearly and I am sure he loves me... in his own way. Which is the problem. He is overly and terribly attached to his parents. He never moved out, he never leaves them even for a day, which means we never spent the night together, never travelled together and probably never will. He just won't leave them. From what he is saying, it seems they just raised him that way and he believes he does the right thing, he believes firmly they need him, night and day, and that they will be seriously upset if he is late home even for hour. They live like tiny little family. He does love me, as much as he is capable to love anyone besides his parents, since I have depression issues and anger management problems and other problems, he was mostly understanding and didn't leave even when he couldn't understand me, and he didn't leave even when I had any of my sometimes very unpleasant anger tantrums. He supports me, loves me, makes me laugh, and sometimes it's enough for me. I am very independent, I work and make money for everything, no one supports me financially, I am also a loner so being alone is no really issue for me.
Since I am depressed and introvert, I always had problems to find relationship so finding one that sorta works is difficult. I could deal with his attachment although I think it's not healthy at all.
Problem arises when he praises his parents in front of me. In his mind, they are ideal. Let's be honest, I know they meant well, but when parents raise their child to be completely dependent on them and to never ever separate from them, I see it as a general parental failure. I can't tell him that, since he lives in his own denial for almost half of century. It would crush him. I am afraid when they are gone, he will not be able to live anymore. What kind of parents do that? They keep him on a short leash and he loves it because he thinks it's normal. I never met them because I am afraid I will tell them what I think and that would be the end. These people are delusional. Problem is he keeps praising them. If he would just avoid that subject or just say something like "ok, they are not perfect, but it's to late to change that now", but no... he thinks all other people abandoned their parents when in fact they should stay with them forever. I find it hard not to say anything to those statements. Otherwise, he is smart and grounded, but on that subject he is extremely delusional. And I need to keep quiet which is getting real hard. Few times I couldn't resist and I said it's not ok for parents not to give their child any privacy or independence and he got really defensive and started arguing, "protecting them from me", I lost my courage and shut up but I felt miserable. I feel he would always chose them over me, over anyone. He thinks they are best parents of the world, I think what they did to him was horrible. But I can't say anything. It's getting more and more difficult to never mention giant elephant in the room. What is most scary is they are old, and I can see catastrophe coming when they are gone. I have my own demons, I am not sure I will be able to help him then, and I don't know how. It's a scary image. And yes, I kinda do lose respect of him.
I don't want to lose him, but I would like to understand this weird connection somehow so that I Am not that bothered. It plagues my mind. Am I evil? Or selfish? I don't want to live with him so why this bothers me so much?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Biba_yu

, he never leaves them even for a day, which means we never spent the night together, never travelled together and probably never will. He just won't leave them.

. It plagues my mind. Am I evil? Or selfish? I don't want to live with him so why this bothers me so much?

I don't feel that you are evil nor selfish for being bothered by this, at all.

I clipped out the part that to me, speaks greatly of the giant elephant in the room. Through actions, it's important to realize that you are a priority, that you aren't in second place. And it's important that he makes plans to do all these things with you, separate from care giving to his aging parents. These things are important needs that you have and the right thing for him to do is honor you in these ways. He might need to coordinate his parents care, but it's important that he does. It's a growing resentment, which is natural of those that love and support caregivers.



"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

[Michelea]

This is an unusual situation.

You said they need him night and day. Does he work, pay bills there, etc....or have they supported him during his entire 47 year long life?

[fairydustgirl]

the friend I have is in a similar place although I have not known him very long, it's small things I have caught on to when he talks about things. He is 42 and lives with his parents. they are elderly and disabled (mom has alz, dad is stroke survivor and wheelchair bound)...he had a 14 year relationship that began in his college years but didn't end up going anywhere and she moved away eventually. he's been dating off and on since then, the last 5 years or so. He also didn't finish his college degree until he was 38, and started a new career in law enforcement at 40. I don't know if he ever moved out of his parent's home during that time but he has told me of plans he has for the house when the parents pass away. Remodeling and such. Granted, it's in a very expensive part of the country and there is no way he would be able to afford to buy a home there now with the income he earns.
He does not praise them though, in fact has said that mom was a b!tch when he was growing up and now with alz doesn't remember being one. He has an older brother in another state that is estranged from the family. So. I don't know a lot about the dynamic but I don't see my friend ever moving from his family home, he's just waiting to claim it for his own.
Oh and because they are elderly and disabled, he doesn't stay overnight with me either, our time together is not as long or frequent as I would like.
It's a good thing I don't have any intention of getting married again either and certainly I don't see anything like that with him. I'm just trying to enjoy his company on those occasions that we get together and not putting all my eggs in this one basket as far as a long term love relationship.

[brainy]

And I thought I was the only one with this problem!

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Biba_yu

Hello, I have unusual issue in my relationship. It seems like it's not that unusual, except my partner is 47 and we are (let's call it that way for now) in relationship for almost 10 years. I never had intention to get married again after failed marriage and I don't want to live with a partner for now since I live in my own really small apartment with my kid so live in partner is for now out of the question. I love my partner, since he is extraordinary good person, intelligent, smart, with great sense of humour, and he is really good friend and of course, good as partner (I mean you know..). We were friends for many years prior to relationship and I love him dearly and I am sure he loves me... in his own way. Which is the problem. He is overly and terribly attached to his parents. He never moved out, he never leaves them even for a day, which means we never spent the night together, never travelled together and probably never will. He just won't leave them. From what he is saying, it seems they just raised him that way and he believes he does the right thing, he believes firmly they need him, night and day, and that they will be seriously upset if he is late home even for hour. They live like tiny little family. He does love me, as much as he is capable to love anyone besides his parents, since I have depression issues and anger management problems and other problems, he was mostly understanding and didn't leave even when he couldn't understand me, and he didn't leave even when I had any of my sometimes very unpleasant anger tantrums. He supports me, loves me, makes me laugh, and sometimes it's enough for me. I am very independent, I work and make money for everything, no one supports me financially, I am also a loner so being alone is no really issue for me.
Since I am depressed and introvert, I always had problems to find relationship so finding one that sorta works is difficult. I could deal with his attachment although I think it's not healthy at all.
Problem arises when he praises his parents in front of me. In his mind, they are ideal. Let's be honest, I know they meant well, but when parents raise their child to be completely dependent on them and to never ever separate from them, I see it as a general parental failure. I can't tell him that, since he lives in his own denial for almost half of century. It would crush him. I am afraid when they are gone, he will not be able to live anymore. What kind of parents do that? They keep him on a short leash and he loves it because he thinks it's normal. I never met them because I am afraid I will tell them what I think and that would be the end. These people are delusional. Problem is he keeps praising them. If he would just avoid that subject or just say something like "ok, they are not perfect, but it's to late to change that now", but no... he thinks all other people abandoned their parents when in fact they should stay with them forever. I find it hard not to say anything to those statements. Otherwise, he is smart and grounded, but on that subject he is extremely delusional. And I need to keep quiet which is getting real hard. Few times I couldn't resist and I said it's not ok for parents not to give their child any privacy or independence and he got really defensive and started arguing, "protecting them from me", I lost my courage and shut up but I felt miserable. I feel he would always chose them over me, over anyone. He thinks they are best parents of the world, I think what they did to him was horrible. But I can't say anything. It's getting more and more difficult to never mention giant elephant in the room. What is most scary is they are old, and I can see catastrophe coming when they are gone. I have my own demons, I am not sure I will be able to help him then, and I don't know how. It's a scary image. And yes, I kinda do lose respect of him.
I don't want to lose him, but I would like to understand this weird connection somehow so that I Am not that bothered. It plagues my mind. Am I evil? Or selfish? I don't want to live with him so why this bothers me so much?

question ... does your location have a term called the sandwich generation...?

heres what it is....

decades ago the world was in a close family network where family members rarely moved away from their family. whole towns were made up of everyone knows everyone and you had many folks in the town related to each other generations back through their family lines.

then people started leaving their families and towns for new work and school opportunities. settling in other towns, growing their own little families separate from their home towns and their home town family network.

well now we have the reverse situation here in america where family is starting to come back together. people moving back in with their parents, taking care of their parents, getting homes and other living arrangements together with their family, a bit part of this is out of necessity. with all the medical and mental health advances that the world now has, people are now living longer lives then they did before. because of this people are now discovering its almost a necessity to stay close to their families, with the younger generation helping out and taking care of the older generations in the family unit.

some cultures also require family to remain close\caring/ younger generation stay and be a part of the older generations lives in every way possible rather than shipping the older generation off to nursing homes and other relatives to help and take care of.

yes to some people going back to this unified / close and loving family units can seem strange for some people.

that said when reading the post I noticed you said you have known each other as friends before you were in this relationship. that says to me you already knew before entering a more serious relationship that he and his parents were close and that he lived with his parents.

I also noticed you stated you are not ready for a relationship where you want someone to move in with you, be a more intimate partner. you enjoy living and being on your own....

heres a question for you... if you want him to separate from his parents where do you want him to go.. lets be real here he has a roof over his head and if he falls out from his parents well where is he going to live. where is he going to get the money for a place that you want him to have thats separate from his parents...

my point is sometimes its not as easy as just thinking this is strange and I want more time with him and I dont want him to be close to his parents...

my opinion is you have choices to make.... living with his parents isnt his problem other wise he would have moved out. now days its completely normal for adults to live with their parents, obviously he and his parents dont have a problem with the living arrangement and it is working out for them...you may have to decide whether you want to continue to date a man who lives with their parent and is there in every way for his parents or move on to someone else who may not have parents or any responsibilities and love for their parents, the choices in this relationship are yours to make.

my opinion is I do not find it strange or a problem that he is living and caring/love for his parents.

[Biba_yu]

Thank you all for useful replies. Similar to Fairydustgirl, I also didn't ever have intentions to marry him, and I always tried to enjoy his company when we are together. Because he is a good person, with great sense of humour and we usually have fun together. I don't see us in future and I know it was never his plan either. But it's been almost 10 years and it's getting down on me that I lost my youth and all hopes for normal relationship for just an illusion.
He currently has no job, he does take care of his parents, but before they were old and sick (and that was like 5 years ago), they did do everything for him. He did pay the bills though, whenever he had any money. What I also notice is that he is losing his career. Lately he has no time to work (as freelancer) because he mostly works around them, and he does not want any office job (because he would be apart from them most of the day), but insist on freelancing. Of course, lately he has no job. I feel like he is to picky but he can't afford to be picky about job. I am starting to see him as person who does not fight, who is losing, and that is not good.
I still love him but I am losing respect for him more and more.
Healingme4me, I will never ever be his first choice, maybe not even second one (that would be his job), but he is not my first choice either (it's my child). I don't expect anything from him anymore and that is sad. I stopped expecting anyone to love me and put me in the first place. What is worst, I can't just now, after 10 years of fight just give up (message would be: if you see your relationship going nowhere, and you feel growing resentment, even if you love him/her give up as soon as possible, do not wait 10 years).
Now, I would just like to ease my resentment by finally understanding WHY is he so obsessed with them? More so, why he feels the need to defend them and praise them all the time. Parents are never ideal, but they do what they think is best. his parents did a lot of wrong, worst thing making him completely dependent on them, they are surely not great parents. I feel that because he lived with them so long and they did take care of him all their lives, now he feels that he needs to repay them somehow by taking care of them. Could that be it? But why not admit, they did not do a good parenting job. Why he feels he needs to tell me how great they are, how he loves them, how they are perfect, and if I try to say that it's not healthy way of living, he gets angry and defensive. I feel like if I tell him the truth it will crush him because he needs to believe in his little world.
When I realise that I usually fell into depression and start to avoid him, which is incredibly easy, because he does not try much to contact me or to see me when I am depressed and want to be alone. He just calls me "spoiled" and that "I don't even try" and he then waits for me to call him first (which also always happens).
What is wrong with me? Why can't I just accept things as they are, and not care? If I love him, why do I still resent him because of all this? I feel conflicted and very unhappy. I tried to broke it up with him many times, but I felt so miserable because I missed him and (I know how this sounds) he is actually my only friend. I am a sad sad person.

[Molinit]

This man is wasting your time. Move on. Sounds harsh but he has real problems if he's that old, not working and can't be without his parents like this.

I don't know how you have even an ounce of respect for him. Cut it off now and go NO CONTACT, believe me you'll probably be less depressed.

[Michelea]

If you want to be in a friends with benefits relationship, then he is the man for you.

He has shown no interest in it being anything more than that. Think he will likely look in your direction after his parents die though, when he needs someone new to support his life of no responsibility.

As far as his relationship with his parents, you really don't know what that is. Since you have never met them, you are basing your view only on what the "forever at home" son has told you. Be interesting to hear their side of the story.

[Biba_yu]

Thanks Amandalouise for taking time to analyse my problem! I can see what you mean here. I actually do not want him to move out, I mean I wouldn't mind if he decides to move out, but I don't mind if he doesn't. I know he does not have options right now. He is, even though I can't prove it here, a really good person, and exceptionally intelligent, but in this particular area he is delusional IMO. And that is what's bothering me. I can't even tell him I am not really fan of his parents' praising stories, and that I would really like him to have some vision of his future and some realistic ambitions, because he does not have any. I feel like he is prepared to die with his parents. He never goes to doctors, he ignores all health problems (in his defence, he can't even afford it ), he is picky about jobs but has none for months, he does not drive, he sometimes says he never plans future because he doesn't have one. What kind of friend says that? I am close to my parents, but also I am independent and realistic, so this kind of thinking is alien to me. We usually function well as friends but in this case, I can't understand him and it's scary to see grown up man, large man, with wits and intelligence, who can't imagine life without his parents. It's not just like he is close to them. He is too close, they are like a trio of siblings that can't be separated. Living with parents is not a problem. Being their inseparable companion who adores them is the problem. They even monitor his calls, so we have to communicate through internet.
And well, as Michelea stated he is, by definition, friend with benefits. Problem is he does not think we are friends with benefits, even when it's obvious we are. He thinks we are in relationship, because that is how he sees serious relationship. The fact that in most of cases I can't count on him, and that we never did or will travel anywhere together or spend the night is not something he sees as mandatory part of relationship.
I am not sure why this bothers me so much when I don't want him to move out, or to move in with me (???). I think I might be scared that he will be completely lost and ruined when they are gone and I am not sure I am able to help him as I have my own load of problems in life and I really don't know how. I feel like I am investing my life and love into someone who does not care a bit about his own future, does not have any plans or ambitions (I mean realistic ambitions), anything he can live from in the future and whose mental health kinda depends on his elderly and fragile parents. And yes, I am scared. Love is sometimes just not enough.
MOlinit, I agree but I needed to do that like 7 or more years ago. I fought 10 years and accomplished nothing. I am 44 and tired and really can't start again. I will also lose best friend all all other friends because they all see us as couple.

[Trippin2.0]

My take?


Seems the lady doth protest too much.


The one thing you keep repeating is how you want nothing from him, and thus can't understand your resentment toward him.


I may be wrong, but if you've devoted 10years of your life to him, AND describe it as a fight, that looks to me like a woman in love who was hoping this setup would lead somewhere beautiful for both people.


Maybe I'm wrong, or maybe you just don't want to or can't admit it to yourself, because of whatever the implications may be... Idk


But that's what it looks like to me.


I've had a very unorthodox relationship myself so far, but it works for both of us, even if it doesn't look like a cookie cutter relationship when compared to someone else's.


At the end of the day, its about what makes us happy... And I am.


Way I see it, you only have two choices, keep calm and carry on, or jump ship. I doubt any glass will be shattering for him regarding his parents, so he's most likely to stay in his bubble of enmeshment.

[divine1966]

I wouldn't be surprised if the guy had someone on the side. I hope you using condoms. Ten years and you haven't met his family? Don't you guys have holidays together or get togethers? His birthday? Etc? Do they even know about you? Never spent a night? Really. He tells you it's s relationship and you buy it. It's not a serious relationship. He used his parents as an excuse

As about his parents who knows what's going on. You only hear his story

The guy doesn't drive and doesn't work for months (???? Who supports him?) and doesn't see a doctor etc sounds like a total loser at 47!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Biba_yu]

Trippin, you maybe partly right. I did expect we would lead somewhere serious, but that was in the beginning years. Now, as I am older, I am bit more skeptic, my head is not in the clouds anymore and I can see that future would not be bright, even if we get to live together. And, over the years, I got used to live alone. I even like it. It was different in first couple of years.
That is what's bothering me: why do I resent him when I really don't see our future together anymore? I am afraid that it's because I am losing respect for him and that's bothering me. I want to respect him. I would like to see him independent, energetic and ambitious. I would like to see him hoping for something, getting somewhere. Problem is, he does not want it. He is happy as he is. That would mean, I am major shrew. But I can't help it. I want to respect him, as I did before, while he had a job, and was still trying to do something with his life.
Divine, no, he does not have anything on the side. Lets just say I am sure. It may be that he is using his parents as an excuse, but there is nothing I can do about it. I guess, truth is in between. I suspect they do not want him to stay with them, they probably want him to move out and have a family of his own, but because they got him so used to them while he was younger, controlled him, and took care of him, giving him no privacy, instead of just telling him to grow up, now he does not want to leave anymore.
That could be another side of the story.

[fairydustgirl]

Originally Posted by Biba_yu

Thanks Amandalouise for taking time to analyse my problem! I can see what you mean here. I actually do not want him to move out, I mean I wouldn't mind if he decides to move out, but I don't mind if he doesn't. I know he does not have options right now. He is, even though I can't prove it here, a really good person, and exceptionally intelligent, but in this particular area he is delusional IMO. And that is what's bothering me. I can't even tell him I am not really fan of his parents' praising stories, and that I would really like him to have some vision of his future and some realistic ambitions, because he does not have any. I feel like he is prepared to die with his parents. He never goes to doctors, he ignores all health problems (in his defence, he can't even afford it ), he is picky about jobs but has none for months, he does not drive, he sometimes says he never plans future because he doesn't have one. What kind of friend says that? I am close to my parents, but also I am independent and realistic, so this kind of thinking is alien to me. We usually function well as friends but in this case, I can't understand him and it's scary to see grown up man, large man, with wits and intelligence, who can't imagine life without his parents. It's not just like he is close to them. He is too close, they are like a trio of siblings that can't be separated. Living with parents is not a problem. Being their inseparable companion who adores them is the problem. They even monitor his calls, so we have to communicate through internet.
And well, as Michelea stated he is, by definition, friend with benefits. Problem is he does not think we are friends with benefits, even when it's obvious we are. He thinks we are in relationship, because that is how he sees serious relationship. The fact that in most of cases I can't count on him, and that we never did or will travel anywhere together or spend the night is not something he sees as mandatory part of relationship.
I am not sure why this bothers me so much when I don't want him to move out, or to move in with me (???). I think I might be scared that he will be completely lost and ruined when they are gone and I am not sure I am able to help him as I have my own load of problems in life and I really don't know how. I feel like I am investing my life and love into someone who does not care a bit about his own future, does not have any plans or ambitions (I mean realistic ambitions), anything he can live from in the future and whose mental health kinda depends on his elderly and fragile parents. And yes, I am scared. Love is sometimes just not enough.
MOlinit, I agree but I needed to do that like 7 or more years ago. I fought 10 years and accomplished nothing. I am 44 and tired and really can't start again. I will also lose best friend all all other friends because they all see us as couple.

I do take exception to the idea that at 44 you are at a place where you can't start over again. I am 53 and newly divorced and most definitely am starting again...even if it is a different life than before...which is a GOOD thing. I don't want the life I had before.

[divine1966]

You can start again at any age.

I left my long term ex of 9 years ( we lived together) when I was 48. I am 50 and just got happily married ❤️.

44 is young. Plus honestly it's better to be alone than with unavailable guy who is kind of a loser

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Biba_yu

Healingme4me, I will never ever be his first choice, maybe not even second one (that would be his job), but he is not my first choice either (it's my child). I don't expect anything from him anymore and that is sad. I stopped expecting anyone to love me and put me in the first place. What is worst, I can't just now, after 10 years of fight just give up (message would be: if you see your relationship going nowhere, and you feel growing resentment, even if you love him/her give up as soon as possible, do not wait 10 years).
Now, I would just like to ease my resentment by finally understanding WHY is he so obsessed with them? More so, why he feels the need to defend them and praise them all the time. Parents are never ideal, but they do what they think is best. his parents did a lot of wrong, worst thing making him completely dependent on them, they are surely not great parents. .

I do understand how our children are our first priority, however my take on the ideal of a romantic relationship as unable to display priority due to kids is that our children are our responsibility but a romantic love is like night and day, in a way that a partner doesn't truly become second fiddle, so to speak. There's a balance. Children aren't our confidantes nor the one to rest our heads upon their shoulders for comforting. Children aren't our comforters.
As to the dynamics that go into a parent that would create such dependence is complicated. I've know some that do this. And sadly, there's such twisted logic that to even tell someone that it's not proper is like talking to a brick wall. My late stepdad had this dynamic, almost. She did live with us after a major storm. She's the same woman that told me uteruses fall out when women play sports. I learned it was better to bite my tongue and save it for unloading to my grandmother. He was her oldest son, and after his dad passed, that dependency between them grew. She had had a not so lovely childhood. Wound up stranded as a single mom of two daughters after her first husband walked out. My stepdads father took to her and her daughters in and married her and they had a family together.
So I'd probably look at your boyfriend's mother's history for an idea of what brings this dynamic into existence.
Your boyfriend could feel torn by honor to them and self sacrifice.

[divine1966]

My ex's adult daughter lived with us. Failure to launch. She still lives with him. It was a nightmare . He in fact relapsed when she started her antics ( recovering alcoholic). It was terrible. Just terrible. I wonder if she maybe was telling people that she lives with dad and stepmom because they need her lol when in reality she just refused to grow up.

My ex was miserable but every time he suggests she grow up she acted vicious and hysterical.

I wonder if this guy lives with parents because he doesn't want to pay rent or take responsibility but tells people his parents need him. If I was you I'd go to their house and meet them and see what's going on myself

[Biba_yu]

I don't think I can start again. I tried to break this up several times before, when I was much younger, it did not go well. I am tired. Sometimes, I just wish I could go away far, far away, just leave country and go somewhere else. Then maybe there won't be so many things reminding me of my life so far. But, I also have my parents, I have to take care of.
Looking back now, I think he never left because they made his life too comfortable. He never had to actually fight to survive. Never had to do chores until few years ago parents became incapable, but then it was too late. He is decent person so he realized he now has to help them, as they did everything for him. And of course, lets be honest, he can't leave as he can not provide for himself, and he is lost by himself. So, I do doubt they don't want him to leave, it's getting clear to me, has does not want to leave as he has no options.
I also have sudden terrifying realization about myself I don't like one bit. I started realizing it's not his parents that much, it's the fact that as I am getting older, I would like to see future with someone who could be my partner in every way. To help me when I need as much as I would help him. I am not looking for someone rich, but I would like to be with someone who is TRYING, who is stable and I can lean on him, someone who could be my equal partner, capable and resourceful, who can manage in most situation. I am afraid he will not even help himself and I will not be able to help him and it would be to difficult to watch his life deteriorate. I am barely managing my own life now (I live in a third world country, I am managing now, but it's very unstable here). What kind of person does that make me? Selfish? Anxious? Maybe I think too far upfront?

[divine1966]

If you don't want to end it, I'd at least insist meeting them. I would find it offensive to be with a man for a decade and not knowing his family. I'd want to see their house and how they really live. I'd be offended that he kind of keeps you a secret. But I wouldn't confront them about how they treat their son as first of all he is s grown man and makes his choices and you only know his side of the story. I'd certainly insist on meeting them after that many years

[Biba_yu]

Ok, I asked him about that. Here is an interesting twist: he is sure they would not approve of me and that would make "unbearable atmosphere in their home".
Apparently, I am not something they had in mind for their son. They actually do want him to have children one day, he doesn't but he won't tell them that (again "atmosphere"). So, dating a woman who is obviously too old to have more children and does not really want to anymore, is out of the question.
So, I have a career, my own home, people respect me, not that it matters but I think I even look good, but what matters is that I am not fertile anymore? What kind of world is this?
Have you ever realized that you spent 10+ years fighting for relationship that never had a chance? I really feel like a world biggest loser.
And you know what is funny? I am terribly shy and introvert so chances of meeting someone new ever are next to zero. i will be alone for the rest of my life.

[Michelea]

I hate to say this, but when I read "he is sure they would not approve of me and that would make "unbearable atmosphere in their home"", the first thought in my head is that he is hiding something big, and really lying. What an effin' douche.

Not that I am promoting your doing this, but if it were me...I would go knocking on that door for a surprise visit...just for grins.

Sorry you are going thru this, but glad you found out now instead of later.

uh-uh, please stop with the "I will be alone forever for the rest of my life"...you would have been alone forever if you had stayed with this guy, now the door of possibilities is open again.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Biba_yu

Ok, I asked him about that. Here is an interesting twist: he is sure they would not approve of me and that would make "unbearable atmosphere in their home".
Apparently, I am not something they had in mind for their son. They actually do want him to have children one day, he doesn't but he won't tell them that (again "atmosphere"). So, dating a woman who is obviously too old to have more children and does not really want to anymore, is out of the question.
So, I have a career, my own home, people respect me, not that it matters but I think I even look good, but what matters is that I am not fertile anymore? What kind of world is this?
Have you ever realized that you spent 10+ years fighting for relationship that never had a chance? I really feel like a world biggest loser.
And you know what is funny? I am terribly shy and introvert so chances of meeting someone new ever are next to zero. i will be alone for the rest of my life.

so now you know whats going on and why. now you have choices.. you can continue to remain his little secret or you can move on in your life without him...

me being someones dirty little secret on the side because someone doesnt approve of me rather than being treated like a human being is not acceptable. i have more respect for myself then that.

I think of it this way. my wife and I are lesbians. with this comes many people who do not approve. does that mean my wife and I never let others know we were a couple or that we are now married, should we hide ourselves as if we are this abomination \monster... no. from day one when we first started dating we were clear to everyone in our lives that we were a couple and we were not going to hide away like we were criminals\ animals\ not worthy of human being status\ or treated like we did not exist...

those that did not accept us had their choices. they could decide for their self whether they wanted to be part of our lives whole heartedly, with respect without us being kept their little dirty secret on the side like some caged animal no one wants any more. or they can not be part of our lives. their loss. my wife and I continue to live our life out in the open, not hidden away.

I would not treat someone so disrespectful as to expect them to be my little dirty secret on the side. and I refuse to be someone elses dirty little secret.

maybe my attitude from this comes from being a survivor of abuse where I was someones dirty little secret of being on the side for them to abuse in private, maybe my attitude comes from being a lesbian... I dont know but there is no way I would continue with any friendship or relationship where either party was treated so disrespectful as being someones dirty little secret on the side.

if it was me I would not even bother with a big good bye. I would just move on with my life to bigger and better things....but of course only you can decide if you want to continue being this persons secret on the side rather than moving on.

[divine1966]

He is lying. What a douche. Either afraid of commitment or has a gf. Or who knows. 10 years and they don't know about you? Please...

I once dated a guy who told me his parents aren't ready for me to meet them which was fine, I thought they needed more time. He then lied that they are apprehensive about me having a child and aren't ready for me to bring my daughter to gatherings. It turned out to be a lie. They were the nicest folks and apparently constantly asked him to bring me over and they were excited I had a daughter so she can play with their grandson (their daughters son). So he lied the whole time. Needless to say I dumped him right away.

Listen you are alone already. So either meet someone nice or stay alone but at least you won't be lied to. And don't worry about wasted time. I lived with alcoholic for almost 9 years and finally had guts to leave. Some people never have courage to leave. So better now then never!

[divine1966]

Show up to his house one day. For real.

[healingme4me]

I agree about the importance of seeing with your own eyes, his living situation.

Does he not realize how this affects your own sense of self worth and value? Do his parents forget his own age? Not many men want to raise a child past the first day that they themselves can retire.

Have you both discussed what your plans for retirement are? Any travel goals? Where to live? Side projects and hobbies? It's an important conversation.