[Sadwifey]

I am in desperate need of help from all of you. I am 41 years old. I am on my 2nd marriage. I definitely have a trust issue...but do you guys believe in "woman intuition"? Well, it led me to go to my husband's job and access his voicemail. The same "unknown" woman left numerous messages for him. I confronted him on it, like a dummy, and he completely denied it all, said I was crazy. I wouldn't drop it...said let's go to your work together and listen to the messages...if this marriage meant anything. He refused. Turned in around on me...my fault. Left the house, went to his job, erased the messages and changed his voicemail password. I access his work email all the time...but he changed it 4 months ago and doesn't know I know it. His ex-secretary sent him some (fully clothed) pole dancing pics of her. The thing is, on Sat, he sent her an email asking where the pics were. He deleted the message, but I know how to retrieve it. He doesn't know I know about them and I can't confront him....I can't! What bothers me is she calls him a lot but never mentions it to me and now these pics. He comes home and acts like nothing is wrong. Never mentions her to me AT ALL! He always prides himself on being an honest, Christian man. Should I do a prank-call on her and say something? My stomach is upset! He says our relationship is on ME...if I don't show him love, then....but I have a hard time showing love when I know this is going on.....I am so upset. Am I wrong for always checking his phone, emails, etc....UGGGGG, he says this whole relationship is on me...whether it works or not...but I cannot let him know I know about the pics. I just can't!

[bebop]

well I would be upset if I knew these things about my husband but jealousy has a huge impact on a marriage. I do understand it though. I have been in very similar circumstances myself and it is very hard not to snoop around when there is no trust

[sabby]

First of all, Welcome to PC SadMommy!

I hope you can find the support you are looking for here.

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult place with your marriage right now. I have a problem with his comments to you that your relationship is all on you. It takes both of you to make your marriage work and it is just that, hard work at times.

I hope you find some answers soon to your dilemma. I wish you well!

Hugsssss
J

[allthegirls6]

I dont know what advice to offer. Its a tricky situation. It seems like you are boxed in cos you cant say as you shouldnt know. I wish i had a solution but i dont. I hope someone can come up with something for you.

[Sadwifey]

Do you think I should contact her and disguise my voice saying I know about it and see what happens from there? I have her work number.

your marriage isn't all on you.........receiving pictures of an ex-secretary pole-dancing isn't going to win him "husband of the year" awards....

[allthegirls6]

Im not sure about the contact, it could cause more problems. I think your husband has a part to play and he should be made accountable in some way.

How about this...... since he says the marriage is all on you--- tell him you've taken the reins like he's suggested and you've made an appointment with a marriage counselor(of course you have to make that a "fact" in doing it)--- now, the ball is in his court if he's going to go or not-- you held up your side of the deal!

You are in a very tough place-- I'm sorry for what you are going through.

mandy

[seeker1950]

Feeling insecure and snooping around...I can totally identify. I did this in one particular 2 year relationship in my recent past, and I can tell you for a fact that it was the man's behavior and attitude that propelled me into snooping. Yes, I have always been insecure and had trust issues, but I also believe there are men who could calm you and give assurance, rather than turning it around on YOU!
This makes me angry!
Patty

[Sadwifey]

HI all...thanks for writing. I am just really needing to know his response to my knowing about these pictures. But I just can't tell him I got into his email account again! He will be home in about an hour, I have a stomach ache. If I don't hug and kiss him, then he'll think something is wrong. It is hard for me to fake everything is okay. I thought their relationship was just really good friends. My husband hasn't worn his wedding ring for over a month now as well....says he won't wear it "until I act right and show him the love he needs and deserves". UGGGGG

[seeker1950]

OMG!!! Won't wear his wedding ring and blaming it on you...No wonder you are feeling insecure!
Hon...I don't know what to say or what to tell you! but this isn't good!
Patty

[sabby]

Oh dear, it certainly sounds like he is guilty of something and pacifiying himself by turning it all on you. *shaking head*

I'm a firm believer in not playing games in a relationship. Cards on the table...face the music and deal is how I approach things. Life is too short and valuable to play games in my opinion.

I wish you well

Hugssssss
J

[Direction]

If the marriage is "all on you" then I guess you'll have to take the lead.

Sit it him down - let him know what you know - let him know that you will be monitoring his email going forward (indefinately) probably voicemails too. Have him call this lady on speaker phone and let him tell her that what they were doing was inappropriate.

I guess I'm a little opinionated on this one sorry if I've been too blunt or strong. I hate it very much when men like this act like this as it gives Men a bad name. Though I would suggest the same to a man if he suspected the wife of the same.

[Maven]

If you don't trust someone, and can't regain the trust (if you had it in the first place), you're hurting yourself and your partner, whether he deserves the trust or not. It demeans you to snoop like that.

That said, you found reasons to distrust him. I think you had them before, without snooping, but now you know he's not worthy of trust.

I don't think you should call her. Again, I think it reflects negatively on you. You already know what you need to know. You just need to decide how you're going to handle it.

I think mandy has a great idea. Make an appointment for marriage counseling and tell him you took his advice.

But, know that, as others have said, you are not the only one responsible for your marriage. It takes two! And you're not to blame for his cheating. If he perceives problems with you, he's supposed to talk to you about it, and if you and he feel they can't be resolved, you get a divorce. It is not an excuse for him to cheat. Don't ever blame yourself for his actions.

[Sadwifey]

As I write this, I am crying. I have read everyone's response and you all are right. I just need some guidance on how to handle the "pictures" situation. Regarding counseling, he said he's not going, he's not the one with the problem. I've already begun my process to find counseling for me for guidance...but he says I'm the one with the problem, so he doesn't need to go. He said his counselor is God and that's all he needs.

I had a hard time "faking" it last night...we didn't talk much. Lots of tension...but he will say that's my fault. He will say to me, "I told you....you must show me love and affection. if you want this relationship to work, it's all on you." The thing is, I can't talk to him....he will always yell or scream and then I shut down even more.

I am crying right now...upset stomach and all....

[Sadwifey]

Can't I call her and totally disguise my voice and say, "Why did you send those pictures to a married man. Wait until everyon finds out about it....." and then hang up?

[Direction]

I'm sorry for coming on so strong - it hit a nerve regarding my dad's infidelity...

I am really sorry you have to go through this. It's not all on you and no matter how much affection you would have tossed his way he would have done this.

I wonder how his counselor (God) would counsel him about his infidelity and treatment of his wife. Oh that's right we have the scriptures to find out...probably many versus you could start plastering all over the house. Especially the Ten Commandments - isn't there one in there about this very situation - something about "Thou shall not commit...."

Stay strong...

[h0kie]

No, you can't.

First, even if you "scare" her off...there may be others (now or in the future). If he's bound and determined to cheat, he's going to cheat. Be it with this woman or another one he may find down the road. You can't fix your marriage by dealing with the other woman.

In my opinion, it doesn't sound like he wants to fix the marriage. I'm sorry but it's NOT all on you. That's crap. Marriage is a partnership. You definitely need to see someone.

If it were me, I would tell him that I found these pictures and confront him. Yes, I was wrong in the manner I obtained them, but I still found them. Two wrongs don't make a right but it's done. I'd tell him I'm seeking counseling to help me with my insecurities but if he doesn't make some sort of effort to save the marriage, I will assume he doesn't want to save the marriage.

That being said, don't make ultimatums that you aren't prepared to follow through on. Say it, mean it.

Lastly, find your own support system. Family, friends, folks here. You need that support right now. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you will make it through.

[Direction]

I've PM'd you responses...

Look, a guilty person always tries the offense first. I worked in ER and one night I went into a room and there laid a young man with the crap beaten out of him........I mean he had been stomped and kicked.

So.........I said, "what happened to you?" Well, you should have heard the story of "I was just sitting in my LR and these strangers burst in and dragged me outside and beat me like this".........my reply was, "oh, you don't mean your drug deal went bad, do you?"...........And I told a doctor that just once I'd like to hear a guilty person admit it. Be up front, instead of lying and putting off on everyone except themselves. He said it will never happen. Cops tell me that also.

Your husband did something wrong. You didn't. Confront him and get counseling. Kick him to the curb if he doesn't want to do better. I've been there and should have left years before I did. I lost a good part of my "young" middle age hanging on..........And I left with NO self-esteem or confidence. He had me so convinced that he was pure........and that it was me........(he was cheating with much younger women)

[Sadwifey]

Hi, it's me. Well, last night he asked me why I've been so mean to him. I couldn't tell him why. So all I said was I'm seeking counseling. He got mad at that too, because he said I should have told him. I told him to help me start feeling a little bit secure, put wedding ring back on. Oh boy, that led to a yelling match. He said, "NO WAY"..."I am not going to wear it because I know it bothers you." I told him then you don't care about making me feel secure as I go thru "what I'm going thru." He said tough, he's not wearing it. Once again, he said I'm the one with the problem.

((

[seeker1950]

He said, "No way!" huh!???
I know it sounds immature and vengeful, but at that, I would take off my wedding ring as well!
Your request to him to help you feel more secure was a valid one, and also telling him you are seeking counseling.
His responses sound like he is justifying his behavior by placing all the blame on you, and that is not a good situation for you.
Do you have children? If so, the circumstances are more complicated, I know, but if you are child free, I'd walk out on this jerk!
Patty

[Direction]

Gosh - I don't really have any suggestions on how to deal with someone who is being unreasonable.

First your the one with problem (according to him) - you tell him you going to seek counseling and he got mad at that?

Hum...which way does he want it - you going to get help or not. I'm not sure his couselor (God) would approve of such behavior

I'm just shaking my head...

Definately keep your plans on getting some counseling to help with the mind games he is playing at a minimum.

Your choice to stay or go. If you are going start saving for the retainer fee for an attorney. If you have it in savings already you'll need to do several things very quickly.

1. Set up an appointment with attorney
2. Go to another bank and open a checking with $100 and a safety deposit box for $50. Set up a P.O. Box with the post office so you have a location for confidential information to go to.
3. Not sure who takes of financies - if you do make a list and a copy of every single debt invoice and asset. (house appraisals, vehicle registartions) Basically you need to know everything. Put all the information in the safety deposit box. You may need to get any sentimental valued items out of the house also.
4. You will probably need 2,500 to 3,000 for a retainer fee for the attorney. If you have a house and have a line of credit - use it and then close down the line as well as all credit cards once you've used what you need.

I'm not a big fan of divorce and never thought I would consider it. It wasn't until I was in the hospital talking with a nurse that it dawned on me. We had been talking and she tried to sum up the conversation. Here question for me was, "So you see suicide as an option, and you don't see see divorce as an option." I think that is when it hit me.

It was a painful decision - if there is any hope in saving your marraige - do it.

There are more things you need to prepare for regarding a divorce. PM me anytime (I'm traveling Sat - Thur though). You may want to read "divorce for dummies" It gives a lot of what I learned

He's an idiot! Dump him!

[seeker1950]

I was worried that my suggestion that you should consider leaving this man was too harsh for you at this time, but I see others feel the same way.
His tactis are about intimidation, and domination, and making you feel responsible.
PM me any time.
Seek help for yourself, realize that what you are experiencing is not love!
Patty