Husband's ex-secretary sent him pictures of her pole dancing

yep you got a BIG problem, ya married a little boy I agree with everyone else here give him his walking papers and his own pole to dance on

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give him his walking papers and his own pole to dance on

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LOL!! his own pole to dance on!! that is so funny! boy did I need that laugh.

and yes, I agree with everyone else-- get away from him if possible. there are "real"-- mature men out there that know how to act when they're married!! I don't think it's a good idea to call that woman-- like someone stated, if not her it will just be someone else-- HE is the one that needs addressing and if nothing else-- get help for you-- you're worth it!

mandy

Your situation sounds like a relationship I had to divorce entirely.That even meant even that a friendship with him had to be ended.I believe in intuition and I think you are right on the mark. Please consider your own self-preservation on the decisions you make from here on.Google emotional abuse and arm yourself with knowledge.Emotional abuse has a way of diminishing you over time not matter how strong willed you are..If you choose to have sexual relations with him then please use a condom. The key thing here in your life is to protect yourself.I know of playing the faking part and sexual relations had to be ended for my own emotional good.Life is too short to allow someone to diminish your core being.I stayed 17 months to long before I left and I had to pick myself off the floor from groveling too long for something I would never receive from that relationship.As far as God being his councilor , That is not the God I know, my God is a God of compassion and gentleness not a bull in a china shop. My thought is don't drag God in this and disgrace His name.It is mans doing that pushes on the shame and blame on the innocent. Re leave yourself of the false guilt and remember to ask yourself when you are being accused. " Have I been provoke to react in this fashion.There is a powerful book called The Compassionate Side of Divorce. by: C.S. Lovett. Maybe you can find some of your answers from there.I believe it will help you to make the best choices for yourself.It isn't always one questioned answered but many questions answered to make us confident in our decision of choice.Whether you stay or leave love yourself and confidently do what is best for you." I feel your pain."HUGS TO YOU"
Smile

Hi everyone! Wow, I'm crying now. I love you all and really feel I have some people that care about me. I do need to tell you all what I did and what happened. Bear with me:

I got into a free email account and made up some stupid name and I emailed his ex-secretary. All it said was it was a terrible thing emailing pictures like that to a married man. Today, my husband called me more than normal. I got into his email account and ALL emails to and from her were entirely erased. I know for a fact he won't share any of this with me...like two people just having a conversation. He's been real nice on the phone, asking me to dress all sexy and stuff. I am sick to my stomach. I know I shouldn't have contacted her....but I did...I'm sorry! Look what it did. One of you was right, though, if not her, then someone else...there is still the "mystery" woman on his work voice mail who he completely denies called...her messages play over and over in my mind.

I keep the finances, don't have any money for lawyer. Yes, we have kids...I have two from previous, we have one together. He has a handicapped daughter that I take full care of...

I have contacted 7 couselors/therapists, but nothing is completely set yet. They are soooooo expensive and I don't have a lot of money. I will probably charge my sessions.

Please keep your comments coming and go ahead and tell me I was wrong for doing the email....and your response to how they responded to it....

Thanks!!! I have such a headache!

SadMommy, I sure hope you didn't just set yourself up for some more abuse by emailing her about the pictures. I understand how you want to "get back" at her, but sometimes not saying or doing anything overtly, is a better way to get back at someone. They worry more when you don't respond.....if you get my drift.

look, this isn't "HER" fault. it's his fault. doing anything to her just takes energy and makes you look and feel foolish. she's worthless to you......it could be anyone and that doesn't matter.

your husband is the problem. a huge problem. you need to figure out what you're going to do for YOURSELF........don't worry about how he feels, looks, acts, etc. you're the one here who needs saving. i personally don't think he's worth the time of day, but i'm a survivor of being married to a cheater and i'm harsh about it.

take care of yourself. and your children. he can take care of his. you are demeaning yourself by putting up with his ********. and believe me, it's all ********.

pat

OK - I have to be honest and say that I have not read this entire forum, therefore, I may be missing some details and if I am please forgive me, but over all I would say that you and your husband need to talk about this matter first and for most (even if you did find the PICS from snooping) - for in all honesty you two cannot mix that which is broken if the other spouse does not know what it is exactly that has you upset.

IMHO - your husband and this woman was wrong in their actions of sharing these photos together and it should have never happened - but it did, so now you need to be strong and face this head on even if you did come across the PICS while checking up on your husband, for I know all to well from experience that a spouse usually does not go looking (checking up on the other spouse) unless they have been given prior reasons to think some thing is wrong or just not quite right any more.

Hang in there..................................... and be STRONG .

Sad Mommy,

Both your husband and you are responsible for protecting, maintaining and growing your relationship.

He is not accepting responsibility for his behavior.

Look out for yourself and your interests in this situation, because it sounds like he is only looking out for his needs, and is oblivious to your need for feeling emotionally safe in your relationship.

Hugs,

EJ

, Jane........

i want to add something about this thread. we've all gathered around you like a bunch of mother hens. and i guess you could call us "mother hens".....

when this happened to me, it was before the "internet" was so popular. what i would have given to have had this kind of support. for one thng, i wouldn't be working at my age and he would have had to start over..with the youngster he ended up with. i reared my two and his two while he was off being a "legend in his own mind"......

i'm happy that you have this forum to vent and to get support from.

SadMommy, him lying to you is worst then anything he may be doing to/with his ex secretary. While you're at home taking care of HIS handicapped daughter, this "good Christian" is out doing God knows what with his ex-secretary. I think there's a lot more to it then just the pictures. I would not send a picture like that to my ex-boss unless there was something going on between us. There's just no way. He's blaming this all on you, making you feel like it's all somehow your fault and it isn't. If he's frustrated with not getting enough affection at home then he can talk to you about it and if neccessary, get counsling involved-you don't go and run off and start having an affair with someone. It's a cheap excuse for this man who likes to call himself a "good Christian". It makes me sick that he uses his religion as a shield. What a total moronic jackass. You deserve better. Dump this loser 'cause things are only going to get worst. He's playing you like a cheap violin. He's not willing to admit there's something going on to you, he's not willing to go to counsling, he's now going to play all nicey nice with you and try to pacify you with fakeness. He's not looking to make things right, SadMommy, he's just looking to lay low and cover his *** until the air has cleared so he can sneak off and try this crap again behind your back. You can do soooo much better. He's only going to make you crazy-you're already acting crazy with the fake email accounts and going after the ex secretary. Go after HIM, with a lawyer!

I'll reiterate here what I posted on another thread regarding cheating.

If cheaters put all the energy they put into cheating and hiding it etc, and instead invested it into their relationship with their spouse/mate, there wouldn't be any cheating.

This whole thing smells.....not good at all

Hugsssss
J

I think you need to tell him the truth, even if it means admitting you were snooping. Snooping doesnt seem much compared to what he is doing.

((((((((((((((SadMommy))))))))))))))))

welcome to pc sadmommy, i have just sat and read the advice others have given you and it all sounds like good advice, i have just been through a couple years of hell including nearly loosing my marriage, my insecurities and depression and my husbands depression and some other things that played there part, but like everyone says here it takes two people to save a marriage and unless both put the work in it wont work, my advice would be confront him sit him down and tell him what has been upsetting you tell himyou need help to make this marriage work dont ask him tell him, if you kept any evidence of these emails i would also produce them

<font color="purple"> ((((((sadmmomy))))))))))) I am sorry that you are going through this.......

I am not sure I can add anything much different than what has already been said...... It sounds like he wants an out but doesnt want to be the "bad" guy by saying so, and therefore is acting like a jackass hoping to push you to be the bad guy in this relationship to end it.... Maybe not, just a POV..... He keeps saying there isnt any problems, but oh there is, he isn't validating your feelings, he is projecting his guilt onto you in order to "justify" his actions.....IMO He doesnt want you in counseling because he doesnt want to look bad because he isnt willing to particpate for fear of having to face himself and his wrongs, insecurities, weaknesses, guilt, etc..... He wants you to think its all in your head..... what to doooo ?!? Well, have to first figure out what is best for you! What do you want and need? Cousneling is a great step... You mentioned being christians I believe, counseling can be done through your pastor/clergyman, often free too.... I honestly would confront him with all I knew.... Honest communication is key, and if you are sneaking around his emails, voice mails, etc he may see that as a betrayal as well and the relationship will teeter back and forth..... and frankly there should be no reason why spouses should not know each others passwords anyway, unless they are hiding something... IMO, anyway..... I would only confront the other person if I knew I could handle what that person may reveal......Yes, the other person bares responsibility fopr their actions but also that person may not know that your husband is married, who knows what he is saying to her.... either way HE is to blame for his part-taking of the that relationship .... I would tell him that this is a marriage and you take what is going on very seriously and that if he does not feel the same or want to participate in working on the relationship that you are going to do x, y, and z ......

My experience with this has the some of the same components but in a different order..... I will give you an express version.........before I had my afffair I had tried for yrs to get my dh (darling hubby) to go to counseling with me and I always heard the same "I am not the one with a problem" or "its all in your head , stop being a baby", (he wasnt having an affair , it was other issues in our marriage, some abusive) I slept on the couch for 9 of the first 11 eleven yrs of our marriage...... I had my affiar... when he confronted me, and I told him everything including the fact that I wanted a divorce, is when we began to work on us..... took many yrs and I will be honest I put my DH thru hell before I let go of my selfish ways and allowed him back in my world and learned to love each other again and now yyrs later we have a great healthy marriage......

I do not jsutify what I did by any means! My dh does, but I dont...... I wish I had tried one more time to express my needs and concerns and had not resorted to seeking it in another......

I am not sure I have any great advice other than do what you feel is best for you and your kids.... My hope is that your DH will stop his behavior, end conatct with the OW (other woman), and particpate in marriage counseling..... ((((my prayers and thoughts are with you)))))))))) feel free to PM me anytime~</font>

Playing as your own detective is self- preservation and loving your self ;and loving yourself. So please rid yourself of that false guilt. Continue to love yourself because you are worth it.
smilie

Hi everyone, it's me. It's Monday morning and I pretty much faked my way through the whole weekend. I have my first counseling scheduled for Thursday but am trying to find a place closer to my home...with all the kids and such.

He totally acted like nothing happened when he came home on Friday. No sign of ANYTHING...no guilt or mention of her or anything.

I cried all night once he went to sleep. I am going to go to counseling....I can't take all your advice because I just can't confront him on knowing the stuff. Then he'll change his passwords again and this time I won't have access and then go completely crazy!

Still no ring....but when he left for work today, my stomach ache and insecurities manifested big time....He sent me an email telling me he loves me, but I don't believe him

Dear SadMommy,

I was so sad to read your story. What an awful situation. I think you are taking the best possible first step by planning to see a counselor. A good counselor will help you talk through all this stuff and figure out what your options are and what's best for you. Yes, counseling is expensive, but it could be SO worth it -- even if you have to charge the fees for a while, just do that in the short-term so you can get some help. You need a way to deal with this and find your own happiness. If your husband's not willing to work with you (and of course you are both responsible for the relationship!!!) then work on what you can do for yourself first and foremost. Therapy is a fantastic start.

And I agree with the others that you should not contact the woman you think your husband might have been seeing. That just reflects negatively on you, and he's the one you should direct your anger toward!!!

Sidony

Hi SM, i am still very young - 29 infact - before i married had kids i was engaged to another - i found out he was cheating on me and i went ballistic. i too had loads of advice, but the only thing i wanted to do was ripped the other female apart. i called her up we spoke for an hour i think - she knew nothing me nor did she know the man she was seeing was engaged to be married in a few months. He denied knowing her and what they been sharing, doing etc... we did not end up getting married, but i ended it before its too late...he has been married 3 time since....just goes to show what sort of person he really is...

i would never have called the other party but i just had to know what lies he was feeding her, about "us". *sigh* to her there was no "us" he fed us both lies....he had his cake and ate it, bread buttered on both sides..i felt like an idiot after the call, but at least i knew!

this is not advice - its just something i wanted to share with you.

noone can make you decide on what to do....ur first step to seek counselling is definately in the right direction, i hope he is going with you.

you are a brave, beautiful, patient, caring, loving woman to stick it out this long....i hope your husband realises this one day, and its not too late....

This is worth a read! *hugs*

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what
had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore, I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her
wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I did'nt have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a months time and she did'nt want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy.

Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, don't tell our son about
the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest.. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I
hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realised she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry
her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so
thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me, .. she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer
and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I had'nt noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked
upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished. Then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each
other any more. Now I realise that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property , the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be
your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Why is it that every morning when he comes downstairs without his wedding ring, my stomach turns more and more. Even though I know he's not going to wear it, there is that "hope" inside me...It is now 8:04 and I've been up since 4:45. I am not sleeping well. I wake up crying, get the kids dressed crying, drive to work crying and I'm crying now. Oh my....I see my first "counseling" appointment tomorrow...I just feel like 45 minutes isn't enough time for me to "get it all out."

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

..... I am so SORRY for your PAIN - for I have been there in different ways with in my own marriage - It hurts ME to see YOU HURTING... ((( hugs ))).

Your own health, both physical and mental, should be of great concern to you here. You are taking care of these children, and crying all the time, not sleeping, plus working as a teacher. Your state of mind, the sadness and depression, doubt and anxiety have to take a toll on you! Also, the children see you crying....what is that doing to them?
As Madkitty said, no one can tell you what to do! I would take off of my own wedding ring and say nothing. Believe me...He WILL notice it! and question you. Upon his inquiry, still say nothing!

You are wise to seek counseling, and I wanted to mention that as a public school teacher, my insurance has paid for most of it in the past. I hope this is the case for you as well! Have you checked on this?

You feel you love the man, don't you! Keep in mind, though, that his behavior is NOT loving toward you!

Patty

yes, Patty, and that is why it hurts so much! You are right, his behavior is NOT loving toward me. The pain is real and knowing that I have possibly failed at two marriages just makes me feel even worse. I feel so bad for my kids...because if we do divorce, they're see a loser-mommy.

Hey, another mind game here...help me! Yesterday morning he asked where his ring was. I told him it's in my jewelry box. He asked me why I put it away when I cleaned but put everything else back. He called me later and asked me to put it back where it was. I didn't do it and he didn't ask for it. He left without it again this morning. Here's my problem...he will say, "I told you to put it back and you didn't so I'm not going to wear it." Do you see how I feel like I'm being "mind-gamed-controlled".... Oh please help me here!!!

he is mind-controlling you. you're one step ahead of what he does.

i think you are in a really unhealthy situation and i worry about your children being subjected to all that is going on NOW, not later. they would see a happier mommy, would they not, if you saved yourself?

you've got someone who is mean, small-minded and possibly cheating on you. and you're going to let him play these games with you? woman, think about it. really think about it. xoxoxo pat

Sadmommy, hun, Pat (Fayerody) and many others here are trying to tell you that this man is playing mindgames with you.
Forget and dismiss this idea of a "second failed marriage!"
Starte thinking of yourself and your own needs, emotionally!
The very fact that his not wearing his wedding ring is a hurtful point for you is why he seems to refuse to wear it!
This is emotional abuse! (Of course, the type of man you have described could very well put it on as he leaves in the morning and then take it off! for the rest of the day!) He's emotionally abusing you, regardless!
I don't want to discourage you for seeking counseling...It's a good thing, but in my exp., counselors take time and will want to surmise the whole situation over several meetings before (and if ever) they give you advice! We, here on PC, are giving it to you straight! And from experience!
If you were my daughter, I'd be saying emphatically, come here to me...leave him!
Patty

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SadMommy said:
Do you think I should contact her and disguise my voice saying I know about it and see what happens from there? I have her work number.

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I personally would call her and be your self - heck that is your man not hers.... tell her that you know all about them and the pictures - then see were it leads see what happens.

IMO - many women will leave a man alone once the thrill of secrecy is gone..... and having the wife find out does just that.