[Big Mama]

I look at marriages. Mine is not that great. I am married and have been for 22 years but to many days I just wanna throw up my hands. Then I look around. Is this as good as it gets. My parents marriage is not that great, my grandparents marriage had there bad moments. I know all marriages do, but theirs seem to be a source of misery. I have friends who have separated. I have friends who jsut stay in blahhhhh marriages because they have been married for so long and do not want to start over so they just settle for what there marriages are. It seems that people have given up the good fight and they say good grief, I am just gonna be miserable and that is hte way it is. But is it really, does it have to be that way. Am I a fool to think that marriage can be a good thing. Am I an idiot for believing that being happily married can really exist.

My H gets on my nerves. I have been home two months, since being gone for a year, a trial separation if you will. I jsut don't know what to do. The bills are paid, the house and land are paid for, the kids are almost grown, we have a good retirement plan going for us. Divorce would be like throwing away everything. A life time of goals, memories, savings, everything. But on the other hand staying is so draining. I could still live a productive 40 years. Do I want to spend it unhappy, do I want to spend it alone, do I want to spend it angry and pissed off.

Am I making mountains out of mole hills. I know no one can tell me what to do in my situation. I jsut feel like sometimes I should jsut suck it up, say the hell wiht it, life sucks, and jsut let it suck the life out of me. Other days I feel like I am crazy to stay here, life has so much more to offer, I was happy alone for that year. I jsut wish I knew what I wanted. I wish I knew if marriages really are a good and happy thing over time. I jsut don't know.

Any opinions would be appreciated.

I've been with my husband for 14 years, married for 10. We've had our ups and downs but we are very happily married. He is my best friend, my lover, my most trusted confidant....the first person I would call in case of emergency and I would miss him even if we were only apart for a day. People often say we act like newlyweds. There are no promises it will always be like this or that we will always be together. People do change and grow apart. You deserve to be happy and I support whatever decision you make to get you in a happier place. Things don't sound like they are as happy or healthy as they should be. Are you trying new things to spark the relationship or do you feel you are past that point?

[Big Mama]

This relationship is long dead. It has bordered on abusive for many years. We separated for a year. Currently it is not abusive. But we are only two months in. When I read what you wrote it makes me want to cry. What you have is what I want. Your quote below.

ELSAMARS QUOTE: we are very happily married. He is my best friend, my lover, my most trusted confidant....the first person I would call in case of emergency and I would miss him even if we were only apart for a day. END QUOTE.

That's what I want. But it seems to be impossible to find. That does not exist here. He wants it to, and I want it to. But it takes more then us both wanting it. The abuse has left me with trust issues. I am just not sure he is trustworthy and will not return to being abusive. He never hit me, just emotional and verbal abuse.

If a person can learn to love a person they have never met, like an arranged marriage, then surely I can learn to love the person I once loved. That person is still here and so am I. That to is easier said then done.

I jsut don;t want to live this way forever. On the other hand if no one is ever truly happy then I am not either so why throw away waht I do have that is not horrible, jsut not optimal.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I jsut don;t want to live this way forever. On the other hand if no one is ever truly happy then I am not either so why throw away waht I do have that is not horrible, jsut not optimal.

I am happy in my marriage. I always have been. So it's possible.

Originally Posted by Big Mama

This relationship is long dead. It has bordered on abusive for many years. We separated for a year. Currently it is not abusive. But we are only two months in. When I read what you wrote it makes me want to cry. What you have is what I want. Your quote below.

ELSAMARS QUOTE: we are very happily married. He is my best friend, my lover, my most trusted confidant....the first person I would call in case of emergency and I would miss him even if we were only apart for a day. END QUOTE.

That's what I want. But it seems to be impossible to find. That does not exist here. He wants it to, and I want it to. But it takes more then us both wanting it. The abuse has left me with trust issues. I am just not sure he is trustworthy and will not return to being abusive. He never hit me, just emotional and verbal abuse.

If a person can learn to love a person they have never met, like an arranged marriage, then surely I can learn to love the person I once loved. That person is still here and so am I. That to is easier said then done.

I jsut don;t want to live this way forever. On the other hand if no one is ever truly happy then I am not either so why throw away waht I do have that is not horrible, jsut not optimal.

I took my night meds and feel a little dull. Your message had me in tears and I want to respond to you once I have a clearer head. I don't want to say the wrong thing and I can tell you are feeling vulnerable. I think you deserve happiness and not just settling for "not too bad". (((Hugs)))

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are struggling. I don't know how old you are but you certainly can find happiness. I can't tell you what to do but I think leaving and starting over sounds like the best option.. There are a lot of happy marriages. I recently got married second time and we are a great match. My first marriage wasn't horrid but we were bad match and it didn't last. My husband on the other hand stayed in horrible marriage for almost 30 years. Certainly wasn't worth it. It's personal decision of course. But happiness is possible

It is sad when our marriage doesn't work. <<hugs>> Was the beginning of your marriage happy?
I ask this because I have been married 29 years. Mine was really happy at the beginning. Together constantly. Met while serving on active duty. Our offices were steps away from each other (but we were not in the same chain of command). Drove to work together, had lunch together, etc. Waited 6 years before having our first child. When my nervous breakdown got bad 5 years ago (my job was burning me out), it effected our relationship. I felt angry and disconnected from him. Even wondered if he was doing some things just to manipulate or control me (I was paranoid). There was yelling and isolating from each other.
I say this to say that it seems like when my anger and depression improved (I was in therapy), I started feeling differently about him and when I treated him better, he slowly started treating me alot better as well. When you can find things that you admire about someone then that is an important building block. We still do a lot together. We share all our meals (when he works, he mostly works from home), do errands together, and take a walk with each other every day. He also teases that "he needs to maintain the wife." In other words, he makes it a point to make sure that I am sexually satisfied at least once a week and I have always thought that I should be there in the same way for him. Of course, sparks do not fly everytime but when they do, it really jazzes up our marriage. And everyday is not perfect. There are days where we do not listen to each other the way we should. Or I will find his response to something that I have told him disappointing. But because I have been trying to be more open with him, I have noticed that sometimes he will be more responsive on the 2nd or 3rd time that I tell him something. People are just not "on" (fully engaged) all the time. I responded to your post because I thought the title "Is any marriage truly happy" engaging. I don't think that any relationship can be euphoric all the time. Effected by all the stresses in our life, our moods and happiness ebb and flow all of the time. I hope you can find the happiness you seek.

[Lauliza]

I think some marriages can be truly happy, but in all honestly, not that many. I think it's just as you say -- a lot of people are terrified at starting over again and of the unknown, especially later in life. That said, you deserve to be happy. I understand how you feel and I have more than a few friends who will be in the same boat in a few years. I think to split up when the kids have gone and you know you'll be comfortable financially is a a good choice for some people. You probably know this, but financial security is important so that's a huge consideration and no one wants to end up in poverty (unless there is abuse or safety is at risk). As for being alone, it depends on the person. I know some very happy divorced people and I know lonely divorced people. More often than not it's the men who struggle with the loneliness since spouses are often their social life and support system. Women tend to have friends as support systems so in that respect the women I know do just fine. Just think hard about what you want in life going forward (happy is a vague concept) and what kind of life you can realistically live. There are going to be good and bad sides to both options, so you really have to look at the pros and cons and see what means more to you. I know how hard it is to feel like this. I hope you're able to find what you want,

I am cautious in my reply because I believe only you can truly know whether staying is the right thing for you. I will comment on some general points however.

I think a lot depends on what we define as 'happy', that means different things to us all, for sure long term relationships do not have the excitement and hormones that they did in the first few years, that's natural. However contentment can be 'happy' to many, part of that can be satisfaction from the general home and family life, the kids you reared together. I guess for many of us it's that sense of being a 'team', that doesn't mean never having problems, it means both trying to pull in the same direction to overcome them IMO.

I do think there is a lot to be said for making sure your spouse is not everything in your world and making sure there are lots of sources of satisfaction in other areas of your life, be it work, hobbies, volunteering, friends whatever. In my experience that has made me a happier wife and mother.

To be specific to you BM a history of abuse does complicate things, and 2 months in is not long. I'm wondering how you feel about the past abuse, are you feeling safe, healed and do you forgive him?

In hindsite my two marriages were unhelthy from the very beginning. I got married for the wrong reasons; the first was the father of my children and the second was because I felt it would be the 'safe' thing to do. I did everything I possibly could do to make them work. I realize now neither husband made any effort to do the same.

If you are in a safe place then the big factor is: has your spouse invested the same energy into the relationship that you have?

[Big Mama]

Thank you guys for your feedback. I guess I should give a little more background information. I am trying very hard to make this not condemn my husband. We have had a rocky past and I am trying not to let that influence my future so much.

My H has OCD and Aspurgers. So that does make him a little self centered. The T is still not certain if he has Boarderline Personality issues. I have PTSD, Anxiety, and depression. I have been in T for quite a few years combating those. We have two kids left at home, one who is one town over. (18, 16, and 9)

We have been married 22 years, (I'm 42) and we waited 4 years before we started a family. We have christian values, and we both feel that divorce is wrong. We got along in the beginning. The first few years were a breeze. But somehow, and I don't remember exactly how, things started to go south. By the time child number two came, we were at one anothers throats. We really should have separated then in hind sight. From that point on things difficult to say the least. My H's OCD got worse. (kids make messes), my issues got worse, I was at home with two small children 24/7.

We have been on a "sharing an apartment" kinda relationship since then. No real relationship. Then he began to be over the top and started being controlling, and verbally and emotionally abusive. This went on for 15 years. My PTSD aggrivated my sensitivity to things. It may have caused me to blow things out of proportion as far as abuse was concerned, I took it harder and has less ability to defend myself then the average person. But over time I jsut got warn down and things took on the role of Stockholm Syndrome. It has been a very difficult 22 years to say the least.

I left my H and took my kids wiht me and stayed gone for a year. The hope was that with him in T and me in T both of us separately that we could fix some of our own personal issues. We went to joint T for 3 months before I returned. The plan was always reconciliation. I returned home 2 months ago. There have been issues, not abuse, but disagreements that remind me of the abuse. I fear that this is hte beginning of the return of the abuse. After a years break things do not seem so powerful. We are both more tolerant. He is really trying, but you can't change Aspergers really. It is a condition that will always exist. Just like I am more tolerant becasue I have been away for a year, he is also likely more pleasant because of the newness of haivng me back home. What happens when that newness wares off.

I guess I am in protection mode. I know his capabilities, and I know my weak spots. I jsut want to ensure that I am not back in that trap I was once in. That thought scares me to death. Right now things are not bad. They are not great but they are not bad. I look at other peoples marriages and I know things cannot be perfect, I know there will be "off " days. But am I setting my self up for failure looking for happiness where none exists. Is a happy marriage and a loving marriage all a lie. Is it a myth, something people learn to settle for. And that is ok. Or is marriage a good thing and a happy life long thing.

I jsut don't know. I dont know what to believe, what to think or what to feel.

[TishaBuv]

I feel like I've lived through a no-win struggle with my h. But we always had so much good together aside from that issue. Now I am trying to control my attitude about the relationship with acceptance and not focusing on our problems, but finding more happiness in other things, within myself.

Personally, I don't really have any good role models. My h's parents have been happily married for a life time, but they are totally simple folk with no expectations and absolutely, completely boring.

"I jsut don't know. I dont know what to believe, what to think or what to feel."

Maybe keep posting here. Maybe have more conversations with your H? Marriage is complicated. All we can do is keep trying to understand what is going on and manage/do what needs to be done to the best of our abilities.

[Unrigged64072835]

My current marriage is good, and we're both happy with it. I guess what matters is how you treat each other. It's going to take a long time to rebuild that trust. Whether you want to work on that is up to you.

[LaDauphine]

As a newlywed I get frustrated by how many negative comments I get from people who've just learned I've tied the knot.
My marriage is not perfect. Obviously. I wouldn't trust anyone who claimed otherwise. But overall? It's pretty great. I've complained about him on here, sure, but I spend most of my time with him. He's bound to bug me, lol. And I him.

I think people end up thinking they've compromised too much that they resent the partner. In truth, they haven't compromised at all.

The main reason you may be seeing failed marriages around you is because like attracts like. My husband and I have rules set in place concerning other couples. If we don't like the way they live, their dynamic, etc. we won't be friends with them. We want to be around people like us. People who get us. If we sense a couple has issues we'll stop returning their calls. So maybe you see failure because instead of running away from you, another failing couple will latch on because you have things in common.

I also think people get too caught up in the "Is this all there is?" mentality. Your partner isn't responsible for your happiness. If you feel you're missing out on something go do it.

[s4ndm4n2006]

To be honest, in most cases, Mama, I would say one should judge whether the state of their relationship is what they are willing to endure for the rest of their lives or not.

Please don't forget that what you've endured is far beyond the norms of just ups and downs in a typical marriage, so the comparisons to what should be expected in a normal (or average, is a better word) marriage aren't very good ones.

[Big Mama]

S4 - A very true statement. I guess that is the real question, What am I willing to endure FOREVER!!! If things stay where they are now, I think, I think I can deal with that forever. We disagree maybe once every week or so, hopefully the distrust and fear will subside over time. I am still clinging tightly to my T, and going with her gut about how long to endure or to be teh judge of what is healthy or unhealthy. I know form past experience my sense of right and wrong is a little off. Meaning I tolerate and stay for far more damage then should be expected of any one person.

Thank you for your feedback, I always appreciate seeing you around here. You are a good friend.

[hannabee]

Mama,
Coming from abusive and crappy parents, I have always been a proponent of staying together for the kids and being the best parent you can be. Fast forward 36 years, after so many times of forgiving his narcissistic behavior, I am now STUCK. Don't be me, now walking around with anger that I didn't divorce years ago and make a new life.
Start now and save some money. Get a job if you aren't working. Make an escape plan.
Trust me, you will be sorry if you don't have a plan. And having that plan will give you what you need to do to either make him change his behavior or peace of mind knowing that you can end it at any time. Big hug. Feel free to pm me if you need additional support!

[Malawicca]

It largely depends on your definition of happy.
I think it also depends on what kind of a person you are. If you're restless spirit any relationship would become a jail with time...Or a place where you feel kind of trapped. If you had too high expectations at the very begining it might also dissappoint you on the long run...
I don't know. I'm married for ten years. I could never imagine myself divorce...I kind of know that there is no perfect match for me anywhere on this globe...I accept the fact that i can't have those butterflies in my stomach forever, or that infatuation that use to drive me nuts about him. He has a lot of iritating flaws and i can't say i enjoy them But i'm also very much aware that i have a tons of flaws myself. And he also chooses to stand by me anyway.
A marriage is made of everyday effort. Everyday trying to make things work...So there you go. If you have someone who is ready to take you in his arms when you're misserable or be kind to you at your worst...i think it definitely speaks it's own story. If your sex life exists, and you're satisfied with it, it's also a pretty good sign that you have some thick stuf, sticky matter that bonds you together-still...

Grass often tends to seem greener in a neighbours yard, but it's usually just an illusion.