[LeelaD]

Here I am again on another psych forum, needing to vent or at least have someone with an outside influence give some perspective to things.

My Partner and I have been together for over two years, met on-line fell deeply in love, swept away by the deep connection and feeling, moved to his country to live with him.

Three days after I arrived he started shouting, yelling screaming, I did not know who this person was that I had spent over a year talking with daily...

I think he has some kind of NPD but he is adamant that he doesn't, won't discuss or even acknowledge the idea, however he is obsessed with Personality Disorders and has diagnosed me with PTSD, BPD, NPD, APD and various other things, yet refuses to come with me to a therapist, blames me for his mood swings and agresion, bad health and attitude yet doesn't want me to eave the relationship, I am on a daily basis blamed for everything he does, says, how he feels, thinks, reacts and am supposed to take responsibility for his problems and behaviour as well as my own i.e if I become exasperated and angry with him and his negativity it's my fault, if he becomes angry with me, it's MY fault.

I conduct our relationship by walking on eggshells(he says he is the one walking on eggshells) but I gave up a longtime ago, saying how I feel, what i want, how I really think, it takes so little to set him off into an hour long rant, rave or lecture, when I try to reasonably discuss leaving or separating he starts getting aggressive and confrontational, telling me that I never really loved him, I have BPD, this is what BPD's do and all various other kinds of abuse, he constantly picks on my expressions, manerisms, things I say and/or do, even if I make an innocent comment it will be enough to send him into a rage..'what do you mean by that?' 'what are you saying?' then it' an hour or two or three of emotional stress and drama(that is supposedly caused by me)...for the first couple of years I have believed that it was me, that I was causing all this, making him unhappy, but lately things seem to have cleared up in my mind, I listen to and watch him, his actions and behaviours and it is as though everything he says to me about who and how I am is describing himself.

If I try to bring up the fact that he behaves abusively or aggressively he just rants that I'm a little victim, it's a BPD trait, that I whine too much, complain too much, I'm too negative, it is just constant projection and deflection...twisting everything around and projecting it onto me as the source..

There isn't one morning that he doesn't wake up mid morning/afternoon in a severe mood, shouting, being angry, about anything, whether or not I have cleaned up, this morning he was in a mood because when he woke up I didn't immediately make his coffee, then when I ask him 'what is wrong' he tells me 'shh, shut up, just shut the f&&k up, shut your mouth' the atmosphere is unbearable, I have some peace in the morning before he wakes but as soon as I hear him getting up my stomach lurches, I have no idea how I got to this point or feel so trapped in this relationship.

I have no family or friends here, no one to communicate with, he has told his friends and family, even his boss and random people he meets that I have BPD(diagnosed by him) I asked him not to do this and said it feels manipulative and abusive and he said I was abusing him by trying to alienate him from everyone. Yet I am the one here with no friends, no family and being told by him that 'everyone' feels uncomfortable around me and that I make people feel uneasy, am unlikeable, am fake, am disingenious and self absorbed. If I try and show him the irony of the things he is saying he cannot, absolutely cannot tolerate hearing it or even listen to me, he will shout over me or storm from the house.

Now I know that he is not the person I thought he was, that we probably do not have a future together but when I try to stomach the courage to leave I hear his voice in my head and how worthless, useless, pointless, lazy, stupid, retarded, idiotic that I am.

He is 'spiritual' and believes strongly that he as some superior insight into the meaning of life, yet in most ways doesn't show it at all, right now I am out of our apartment after he again woke up in a mood and rage, I put on my coat to leave and we started to argue, I told him that I am not going to tolerate being around his negativity and moodiness and having it taken out on me, he then said that it is because I have BPD and this what people with BPD do to their partners, they destroy them?? Yet, I am frantically trying to figure out how I am destroying him? If I question him, disagree with him or don't submit to him in all ways at all times he will go into a mood or rage and then tell me I have BPD and that it's all my fault, so logically I should leave right? But no - he says he loves me anyway and wants to 'help' me and that I have a better chance of recovery if I am with someone who loves me...

When he told and demanded that I recognise that I have BPD, I was open, willing and aware to consider that, to talk about it, to pursue growth in my attitude, emotions and awareness....why am I the devil in this relationship yet he is unwilling to examine or take any responsibility for his actions, words or behaviour no mater how heinous...is there ever a way to communicate with someone like this?

The other factor is I live with him in his country for two years now, if we separate I must leave this country which is now my home, he uses this as a constant threat over me, threatening to throw me out or demanding that I leave multiple times a week...

This morning he slammed the door in my face after he had blamed me again for his moodiness and behaviour I said but why is it always everyone else, why was it ExNo.1's fault when you behaved this way with her and ExNo.2 and ExNo.3 why is it always the fault of the person you're with that you feel bad, or angry or grumpy or sad and not your own attitude in life? Why do you pursue relationships with people you are adamant are problematic and mentally ill? (He has diagnosed his past four gf's with BPD also) he went into a rage started swearing and slammed and locked the door on me.

I do love and have love for him but I am so frustrated at not being able to get past this inability to communicate or his inability to see his hypocrisy, I'm open to any advice right now - even a hard lecture, I would truly like to see past the confusion of things.

[Trippin2.0]

Why in heavens name have you stuck around for two whole years of this constant abuse??

Do you not value yourself, do you not know you deserve better, or do you not know that you don't have to keep making a grave mistake just because you've already started?

I know you say you've made his country your home (admittedly I highly doubt that as fact since you have no friends or support structure in place) but is this "new home" worth a life time of being treated like dirt daily?

Is it that wonderful that you are willing to sacrifice your self esteem and dignity for it???

I'm sorry. I just don't get it, I see no rationality in you continuing this farce of a marriage.

I hope you don't have children, this is a pretty effed up example of a marriage to model to children, a son could easily learn its ok to treat a woman like shyt, and a daughter could easily learn its acceptable to be treated like shyt.

If it were up to me I would book you a flight home, or anywhere but on the same continent as that man you call husband!!!

Sorry if i came of harsh, I'm just appalled at what you've been subjecting yourself to and angry for how you're being treated.

[Bill3]

Please leave him at once and return to your home.

Now I know that he is not the person I thought he was, that we probably do not have a future together but when I try to stomach the courage to leave I hear his voice in my head and how worthless, useless, pointless, lazy, stupid, retarded, idiotic that I am.

When you are home, please see a therapist to figure out why think of yourself in this manner and why you have accepted endless abuse for two years.

Please.

[LeelaD]

I initially accepted the abuse because I didn't realise what it was, we bonded over our shared feelings about spirituality, consciousness and awareness....then it became that all the abusiveness he was levelling at me wasn't really abuse because it was only bruising my ego and not the True me, not my real self, so if I got upset or angry at the things he would say to me, no matter how nasty he would tell me it was because my ego was out of control, in the spirit of trying to become 'self aware' I would listen and consider and contemplate, then question myself then come to the conclusion that maybe I had over reacted or maybe I was taking things too personally...it only started to become really clear to me that he was truly abusive when I saw that he was incapable of behaving in the way he demanded of me, his supposed spirituality was just the foundation to be constantly judging and labelling people, looking down on them and being negative and cruel...part of me felt like we'd been brought together for some reason or purpose...and maybe some elements of my own narcissism, I like feeling that I'm not living a 'regular' life, that I'm 'following my heart' or being true to myself, I've truly learnt a lesson here...what I thought was following my own heart was simply leaping into repetitive cycles of abuse that replicated my childhood and being a little girl with no voice again that just ends up trying to appease her tormentor to feel some affection or love.

[LeelaD]

You feel like you're going crazy...here's an example ...I come into the house and there are some of my books on the kitchen table, they've been moved off the cabinet they were on, I take a shower and start checking my e-mails when I get on, I'm aware of the books and planning to put them back or somewhere but just haven't yet, he comes in...'uhm have you seen these books on the table?'...yes...'so what game are you playing?'...I say 'what?'...'obviously I put them here and they're your responsibility to put away so are you trying to make a point? trying to achieve something?'...no...I just haven't put them anywhere yet, his tone is condescending, obnoxious, perturbing...'let me tell you what I see' he says...'I see someone, who is an abuser, a bully, a toxic mess trying to bring down everyone around them'...I'm like...wow what, why did you move them off the cabinet? How am I being a bully, what the hell...this turns into an argument, he starts demanding that I admit I have BPD, I say that whether I have BPD or not doesn't make me responsible for his behaviour and way...then I go into the bedroom to rest after the argument dies down, he barges in ten minutes later and starts flicking the light on and off, crawls on top of me and asks me why I'm so unloving, it's like being in an alternate reality, I'm looking at him incredulously, I just can't bring myself to back down anymore or go along with this constant appeasing him...he tells me that I'm a liar and I duped him into this relationship, even though everything I said when we met I truly meant and felt....just recently he told me that he thought I was being overly romantic hen we first met and he just 'went along with it'(his just going along with it involves telling me we were soulmates and had known each other lifetimes, that our meeting was fated and wehad been given this small window of opportunity to be together and so on)...so who really duped who, I told him I meant the things I said and I felt them, but I felt them about the person I thought he was, not this person who thinks it's his purpose in life to break peoples spirits to supposedly help them find their true selves...

[Moogieotter]

Sorry you are struggling. If you'd like can you map out the practical means that you have or are missing to leave and go back to where you do have friends and family?

Like what prevents you each day from picking up the phone calling some relatives in your home country packing a bag and leaving? We can't tell where you are but you can get from anywhere in the world to Canada for about 2000 bucks tops.

You posted your story on several Internet message boards and this is been going on for a couple years. I think it would be great if you could you identify all the practical and psychological and other barriers that prevent you from changing the situation and list them out and work to cross each off so that you can get away.

Please continue to share. You will find good support here. Thanks.

moogs

[LeelaD]

I'm afraid of the pain that I know comes after the loss, even if the relationship has been abusive, I'm afraid of the pain of loss....terrified, absolutely terrified of it, I feel like the next time I have to experience it I will possibly die of a weakened heart, that's the truth of how I feel sometimes inside.

[Moogieotter]

Originally Posted by LeelaD

I'm afraid of the pain that I know comes after the loss, even if the relationship has been abusive, I'm afraid of the pain of loss....terrified, absolutely terrified of it, I feel like the next time I have to experience it I will possibly die of a weakened heart, that's the truth of how I feel sometimes inside.

I really really feel for you. Try to find teeny tiny little embers of courage deep in your soul that you can nurture into the flame and passion that you need to get away and fix your life. It's the only way that I know of to find hope in an otherwise hopeless situation.

Some people are just total pricks. They don't have a treatable diagnosis or a personality disorder they are just bad toxic people We need to learn to identify and get away from them quickly as possible and forever.

Making really good decisions with the information that you have is the only way I know of to get out of ****** situations. I think you can do it. We're rooting for you.

moogs

[LeelaD]

Yes, I will, thankyou...so much. Deep breaths.

[Bill3]

simply leaping into repetitive cycles of abuse that replicated my childhood and being a little girl with no voice again that just ends up trying to appease her tormentor to feel some affection or love.

I feel so much for you and for that little girl.



It sounds like she endured endlessly; so much.

I'm afraid of the pain that I know comes after the loss, even if the relationship has been abusive, I'm afraid of the pain of loss....terrified, absolutely terrified of it, I feel like the next time I have to experience it I will possibly die of a weakened heart, that's the truth of how I feel sometimes inside.

Realise that in going home, with what you have learned, you also have the chance to strive for gain, for health. You have the chance to transform the little girl's suffering into a life of purpose. She can triumph over the abuse she endured as a child and as an adult.

You can do it.

Summon your courage: you can do it. You can find your freedom and your path.

Whoa!

You're being gaslit! (gaslighted?)

Please get out of this situation now.

At some point you'll start to doubt your own sanity, you will doubt your own reality....and at that point it will be a LOT harder to leave.

Its situations like this that can cause PTSD.....so I am doubting that you have it now (given that its this psycho who is "diagnosing" you with all sorts of random things), but if you don't get out, you could indeed develop PTSD in the future from all this abuse.

[Erebos]

Run...as fast and as far as you can. Women's refuge, anything, this is the kind of emotional abuse a that leaves real lasting damage over time.
At least with a beating you can see what is hurt and treat it. This...does just as much damage and is much harder to treat.
I doubt you have any of the disorders he has made during his armchair diagnosis. It also wouldn't matter if you had them all, he has ZERO right to treat you as he has.

I can't begin to list what is wrong with what's going on, but it session he groomed you into being his current victim. The fact the abuse started so soon after you arrived. It sounds very similar to cult behaviour. Rapidly cutting you off your family, then bombarding you with negative imagery about your lifestyle/personality that you have developed because of contact with the outside world, etcetera etcetera, so on and so forth.
Then then they want to break you down to rebuild you.
Only they don't, they break you so your too weak and exhausted to argue, or protect yourself.

I truly hope you find the strength and belief to break free.
Good luck.

[divine1966]

Please collect your thing then go to a women shelter, then leave the country and go home. This is awful

[MickeyCheeky]

You deserve so much better than him.. Run away as fast as you can.

[LeelaD]

Thankyou guys it really helps to hear some compassion and gentleness, it's been so long since I experienced that, it actually makes me cry.
I'm currently trying to get my things together to leave, I need to try and organise it via my family, I'm trying to get past the fatigue of knowing I have to start all over again when I return, and trying to do it with as little trouble as possible which is not easy, he has told me repeatedly in his own words that he will literally 'abuse me until I am out the door if I leave' that he will chase me down the street creaming Borderline at me, he really goes all out anytime I have tried to leave before until I am so broken and exhausted I end up just sitting in my room numb, then he'll slowly show a little gentleness and start telling me that it's ok, I just had an episode and that I need to accept that I'm unwell etc etc.

[LeelaD]

'At some point you'll start to doubt your own sanity, you will doubt your own reality....and at that point it will be a LOT harder to leave.

Its situations like this that can cause PTSD.....so I am doubting that you have it now (given that its this psycho who is "diagnosing" you with all sorts of random things), but if you don't get out, you could indeed develop PTSD in the future from all this abuse.'

I'm so aware and yet numb to this now, my whole life has been crushed, he basically relentlessly impressed upon me that the entire world is a mess that everyone is sick, narcissistic, mentally ill, all women are mentally ill(not him though, he's the exception), that ambitions and wants and agendas in life get us nowhere, that basically unless I devoted and dedicated my entire life to him and loving him my life would be wasted and that was the reason that we met and why were brought together...um...I'm going to stop because I could write so much but it will only be venting, theres nothing else that will make the situation any different and I've been told repeatedly both now and in the past that this is insanity and that I hav to leave and thats really my focus right now, getting through that and the aftermath. <3

[divine1966]

Unfortunately there are men who prey on women from other primarily third world countries and bring them in as used to be called mail ordered brides. Then these men show their real face: usually very very ugly abusive behaviors.

I've met several women who ended up in the US thinking they are marrying these Prince Charming. One ended up with abusive scary jerk like yours, one ended up with alcoholic who even had his driver license taken away for DUI and he could not keep s job, she ended up supporting him and he actually died of Liver disease due to drinking. She never knew he drank prior to moving.

Talking to people online isn't the same as actually dating and getting to know them. You often end up with not what it seemed

[LeelaD]

Yes Divine, true, life has taught me many lessons, I regret that I'm a person who has to learn them from experience and can't take advice, I often wonder how different things would have been if I was able to be more decisive and take advice more often.

Already, it has started, I am organising my tickets and things to leave and try to stay out of his way, he has now backed down and wants to discuss and talk about things, wants me to listen to his feelings, wants me to listen to him tell me that all of his moods and anger and aggression was because of the resentment he feels toward me, I tell him it's ok, I understand and things will be much better for him without me there...but he starts to say that it's easy for me to walk away and that should I not make an effort to listen to him and his feelings and how he feels...that he was so angry with me yesterday morning because when he woke up I said 'good morning, how are you?' in a cheerful way, that my cheerfulness angered him but at the same time if I hadn't said good morning that would also have angered him, everything I do or say angers him, I've heard it so many times, I have already sent my CV to apply for jobs in my home country and am just trying to breathe through.

[Bill3]

Good job LeelaD!

Keep up the good work until you are back at home.

How safe do you feel with him right now?

[divine1966]

If you don't feel safe I suggest you don't tell him that you are leaving. Frankly I'd pack basics and go to shelter and fly to home country from shelter. I am afraid he'll prevent you from leaving

[Bill3]

I have the same worry as divine.

Please be safe. Help is available.

[Rose76]

This isn't going to change. You went off to a guy you didn't know - like a mail order bride. Communicating on-line with a guy does not constitute knowing him.

Now he and you are each trying to win. You're each trying to win an argument. Completely stop, stop, stop trying to diagnose him. It doesn't matter what a shrink would label him, and no therapist is going to change him . . . or you.

Now you're trying to stay in his country, but you can't support yourself there. Pack your stuff when he's not around and leave.

Or: stay. And this will just go on and on and on and on, etc. etc. etc.

Oh! and we at PC are not just "another psych forum." We are awesome.

[unaluna]

What she said! Plus, Canada is pretty victim-friendly. I think the government would be a lot nicer to you than this jerk is being. He is totally using you to make himself feel better. Get out of there, safely and as soon as you can. Good luck.

[LeelaD]

yes Rose that's true, everything you guys have said is very true, you're right..I have for a long time thought I could make him see differently but I've come to terms with that, as for my safety yes it's not comfortable being here at all and I don't plan to tell him when exactly I'm leaving just to do it, I'll take minimal of my things and go, it's so difficult though, um...he has been trying to kiss and touch me all night and I don't want this, I asked him please not to touch me and could we just stay amicable until I have to leave but now he's gone into a rage and telling me that I'm an abuser and that he should never have let me into his life, that I destroy lives, I will continue to destroy lives, that I prey on people, raging and ranting...that I'm a borderline inverted narcissist, that I'm a ***** a deciever, a siren, I preyed on him and trapped him, I never loved him...my life will fail, I will destroy everything I touch....he can't stop, he can't leave me be, he cannot do anything apart from spew insidious hurtful, hatefulness...it's ....powerful...and I wonder what is it the person wants, what is it that he wants? He is angry and doesn't want me to leave but his way to express that is to torment me and abuse me until I have no choice? How does this exist? I've met people like this before, and I always wonder - what do they truly feel inside?

[Rose76]

He's nuts. And there's probably a long sad, tragic story about how he got into this state. He didn't get there all by himself. No one in his hometown wanted him. So he went on-line and found love. And you promised to love him. Now he's distraught that you're leaving.

Don't go making promises to people you don't know. You moved in on a guy who is deeply disturbed. Now you better leave, or this will not end well for you. You better sneak out of there very carefully.

Then learn from this experience. He's already so damaged that you leaving will affect his mind like a spit in the ocean changes the sea. But he will hate you.

Don't ever say you're in love with a guy you met on-line, until after you've spent a lot of time IRL with him. Until then, you are only in love with a person you created in your own mind based on some flimsy evidence.

Did you know his character. No, of course not. But he said flattering things to you and that inflated you. Everyone has a streak of narcussism in them. He appealed to the one in you. Learn from this.

Going and living with someone is a huuuuge responsibility. You must know at a profound level who someone is before you go doing that. It's wrong to just try someone out.

So get out of there, so he can get the feeling of being abandoned over with. Maybe then he'll find someone.