Marriage separation after deployment

Your both right. She asked me today "Did I receive orders yet" as I am due to transfer in 3 months. I ignored it. Then she texted "Hello", I ignored it as well. She didn't even mention nothing about our anniversary. I pick up my kids today at 430, so we will see what happens from there. In the mean time, I am getting better. Prayed hard about everything last night and God gave me a blessing today. She doesn't know, but I have orders to stay in the area, meaning if it doesn't work out, I'll still be in my children's life. I'm praying whatever she is going through that she snaps out of it. We have 2 children together and I she is not able to have any more kids, so I know I'll always hold a place in her heart regardless. I'll just see where time and this 180 takes me. In the meantime, all I can do is carry on and move on with my life

It is indeed a great blessing to be near your kids for your next orders! I am so happy for you! ☺

sorry that she did not acknowledge anniversary DadFMF. I know what that feels like, also birthday ... 'lukewarm Christmas, New Years' ... geez

You are dam right to have ignored her msgs! The intent was superficial & self serving, otherwise she would have mentioned what was important, instead of trying to get information.

What a piece of work my own was ... Whenever they are in this 'zone' whatever it is, it needs to run its course, or it will run you.

re: >> I'll just see where time and this 180 takes me. In the meantime, all I can do is carry on and move on with my life <<<
This is great ! Use the time constructively ...

Love your kids - they will be there for you. 'Distract yourself' with what benefits you, or makes you happy. We are all cheering on for you DadFMF!

sorry that she did not acknowledge anniversary DadFMF. I know what that feels like, also birthday ... 'lukewarm Christmas, New Years' ... geez

You are dam right to have ignored her msgs! The intent was superficial & self serving, otherwise she would have mentioned what was important, instead of trying to get information.

What a piece of work my own was ... Whenever they are in this 'zone' whatever it is, it needs to run its course, or it will run you.

re: >> I'll just see where time and this 180 takes me. In the meantime, all I can do is carry on and move on with my life <<<
This is great ! Use the time constructively ...

Love your kids - they will be there for you. 'Distract yourself' with what benefits you, or makes you happy. We are all cheering on for you DadFMF!

Thanks for the encouragement!!!!!!! She sent another message that read "would you respond if I said Sad Anniversary " I'm not sure what that really means but it seems like the No contact is starting to work.

So I didn't tell her my orders as she asked me ten times. I ignored her and she finally texted me "please don't stay here" "It's not healthy"

That is quite a statement.

I'm at a lost for words.

I'm so sorry that she said that. It is hard to imagine a more hurtful statement.

She's out of line. Please don't stay here!?? Give me a break -

Not healthy? For whom? You stay wherever YOU want to - this is your life too. Not SUITABLE or convenient?! For whom? For her!
Just because she left doesn't mean you have to change your life

Keep ignoring her whenever you need to & if it isn't her business.
You don't have to answer her questions (unless re kids). She left the marriage.

The subtle entitlement is bewildering.

Wow...not healthy for her, maybe. But definitely healthy for you to be near your kids. You need to start looking out for you and your kids and damn to he'll what she thinks. She's clearly not the woman you married.

Just came on to mention the 'double post' earlier - really dont know how that happened Sorry about that everyone.

Have a great day DadFMF !
(you may feel like you are on a crazy roller coaster some days, but the ride will eventually come to an end & you will be able to get off!)

How cooperative is she is arranging access to your kids?

You might want to speak to an attorney about making certain that your right to see your kids, and their right to see you, is fully respected and enforced.

Dad - I am very sorry for your situation, which is a heartbreaking thing to come home to after a 9 month deployment.

I will take issue with you on one thing. You did not "lose a good woman." This wife of yours is a conniving piece of work. If it were not for the children, I'ld say she did you a big favor and that you are well rid of her.

But there are the two children. I'm no lawyer, but I don't see how it can be legal for a woman to remove your children from the residence you shared and limit your contact to them, without a court-ordered separation. You need competent legal advice NOW . . . to preserve your rights as a father.

Is your wife getting invome from you? If she is, that coukd be why she's dragging her feet on filing for divorce. Regardless of what hopes you may have for a reconciliation, go to an attorney right away. Talk to your superiors on the base and find out if they make any legal counseling available.

Your wife is finished with this marriage. Right now she is figuring out how to maximize her control of the kids and how to maximize her claim to income from you. Don't walk, but run to a lawyer. I can't stress that enough. Spend as much time with the kids as you can. Run, run, run to an attorney. You don't want her to have some basis on which to say that you abandoned the marriage, or that you have abandoned your relationship with the kids.

Please, please, please get legal representation. That is the single most important thing you can do RIGHT NOW. Tell the lawyer that you are not even sure you want a divorce, but that your wife is blocking your access to your children. My guess is that some of what she is doing is illegal. Also, she is the one who CLEARLY has abandoned the marriage. That can matter down the line when the two of you land in court, which you will be doing, eventually.

As to whether she physically cheated or not - stop the speculation. She probably has. At any rate, by setting up a household that you have no key to, she has abandoned the marriage. See a lawyer.

Start googling marital abandonment. Here's an article: What Is Marital Abandonment?

Another: Abandonment and Desertion in Divorce - Divorce Source

I had a suspicion she was just stalling til your next orders to make her next play.
Seriously do what's been suggested and lawyer up.
She is telling her mother what she and you want to hear to keep you making any sudden decisions.
Like staying.
I will guarantee she was waiting for your next deployment before making her next move. Hoping you would be out of the country.

I am sorry, I truly am.I have good friends, and family in the forces and ha e seen this more times than I care to mention.

Yes you hurt her and betrayed her trust. Thing is, she stayed. Therefore she no longer had the right to use it as a stick to beat you with.

It's bloody hard being married to a soldier, it takes commitment, faith and far more understanding than in most marriages.
It's up to you at home to keep the fires alight while they are away. And sometimes it's heart breaking and lonely.
But n ever as lonely as it is for those posted far from home.

There are no excuses for this behaviour. If you want out, you wait. Discuss it while they are home. If they aren't back for long, you promise not to make any decisions until they are back again. Then you discuss again.
And you do this until everyone knows where they are at.

It's not a big ask, when someone is putting their life on the line at work.
Ok so you panicked when you got home and got pushy.
Because you had no fking clue what was going on.
So hardly surprising.
But your doing things right now.
Please lawyer up, please. And keep working with that counsellor.

All the best, my heart goes out too you and your kids.

Also Rose is right the longer she is with you the more hold she has on your finances.
You might not care about that just now, but you will if she uses your wages and pension to set up with another guy.

Take action and stop letting her lead this dance.

I commend Erebos for his insight into military marriages. Re-read his posts. He also, IMO, has great insight into your wife's mindset and gameplan. Some of what he said never occurred to me - like her probably wanting you deployed before she does who-knows-what next.

As far as betrayal goes, I would say this: You are junior varsity, while she is an olympic contender. I'll bet you were experiencing some loneliness in this marriage way back when you thought things were basically okay. If I'm not mistaken, your pay can possibly go up, when you are deployed. If that is the case, she is timing her moves to get the most of that deployment money. Also, as Erebos intelligently observes, you are at a disadvantage when deployed thousands of miles away . . . which is where she wants you.

Always be aware that, when you are talking with this woman, she is collecting information from you for her own purposes. Tell her nothing about nothing. Confide nothing in her. Make yourself a sphinx. Or give her misinformation to slow her down. You can be sure that absolutely everything she tells you is to keep you off-balance and somewhat confused . . . or to exhault in how brilliant she thinks she is. Vanity is her Achilles' heel would be my guess. Instead of being sad at the failure of a marriage, which would be the normal sentiment to have about a tragic situation, where two children are facing growing up in a broken home, this young woman is rubbing her hands together in glee, all happy about how she has gained control and ejected her husband out of a marriage that he didn't even know was being dismantled behind his back. She is all proud of how smart she thinks she has been. She enjoys rubbing her husband's nose in how totally she has gotten herself in the driver's seat and exerts control. That's her weakness. She has an over-sized ego. DadFMF, you will see the day that she underestimates someone who plays like she does and beats her at her own game. But that's neither here nor there at the present moment.

One caveat I would give you is to not take any legal advice from anyone who isn't a lawyer. A lot of people (including counselors) will tell you a lot of things. And people mean well when they do that. But everybody in the world thinks they know more than they do. So get to an attorney's office and arm yourself with real expert advice on what are your rights and obligations and how to protect and discharge them. You're going to have to fight for a decent relationship with those two children. They are still as much yours as they ever were. Don't forget that.

she could be going through a mid life crisis type of thing. there was a point when i felt i wanted to be left alone, just let her have her space for a while. im so happy i didn't leave, i don't know where i'd be without my husband.good luck

I appreciate everyone's insight. She does feel she has control. I was wanting to initiate the no contact rule but I have kids which makes it tough, cause I still have to deal with her on that accord plus I see her when we arrange pick up and drop off location. I am no longer talking to her beyond that as of today. She told me she doesn't trust me or my motives anymore. I think she is really selfish not to even try marriage counseling as she suggested she gave it Ten years. She is still acting distant and cold and I been back for 34 days now. I have orders to a clinic here for the next 3 years which will take me to retirement so God blessed me with that, so I can atleast have my kids. She tells me "You can do whatever you feel you have to do, it's your choice" and that she is focusing on her now, finishing RN school and taking care of the kids and "if I am still there through all of this, so be it. If not, she wishes me well and success". She said it's my choice if I want to leave and divorce but she has a hardened heart at the moment. She brought up all the issues she had with me throughout the marriage which made her feel the way she does. I can tell she has a lot of hurt, and her and resentment towards me from that and plus the texting incident as that is brought up a lot. Just going to give her space and hope she comes around and misses me. I did contact a lawyer, so I'm covered as far as that goes but I also don't want to end my marriage so soon with having any regrets.

Right. The first thing is to see that your kids get ongoing, consistent, positive contact with you.

I am glad that contact for the kids remains amicable. Your doing the right thing I'm all the right places except legal advice.
Hearing that your so close to retirement, makes sense as to why she is in no rush for a divorce. Right now you are keeping her financially stable.
I know your reluctant to see an attorney, because of what it symbolizes. But it has been said before, you don't have to do anything more than ask advice.
Where you stand now and what the consequences are for you financially if you do nothing, and carry on as you are. Or if there is some other route you can take since you are separated.

I think your fright she is angry and resentful and frustrated. And not one bit of that excuses what she has done,or rather how.
I hear on this forum and others, time and to again of people who want out but won't divorce solely because of the financial implications. I know you don't want to think this far ahead, but don't hobble your own chance of a happy future further down the line by ignoring the opportunity to get sound legal advice.

Who knows, with any luck you won't need it. But better to have it and not need it.
Than need it and not have it.

Keep giving your kids your best. Keep seeing that counsellor.
The forces have an alarmingly high divorce rate, so I would be surprised if you couldn't find a support network of other men and women who have been through or are experiencing the same thing..
No one is saying sit down and compare horror stories, although we all know hearing your not alone helps.
But you could also organise outings or charity events.etc.
Something to give you all a boost.

Sorry if I am jumping ahead here.
I have watched this story over and over so many times, it reAlly saddens me that in the places where support and security matters most there is so little help available.
It isn't just the military, it all the forces. Police, Fire,Paramedics.
Maybe it's just a reflection of the times but it's a sad one if it is.

Keep doing what your doing, one day at a time. All the best.

I think your wife is angry and hurt. Just like you are.

I have no idea if she's the conniving ***** that posters are saying, or implying, she is...I don't know her.

Just know that people that are angry and hurt usually want to cause hurt themselves. It's sad, but it's true.

You have my sympathies and best wishes.

Wise words from Erebos.

DadFMF - That texting thing just doesn't strike me as a big enough deal to have generated as much marital collapse as has occurred, if there just wasn't all that solid a foundation there before. Somehow, I don't think you two knew each other very well when you tied the knot. Then deployment kept you in different worlds. Along the way, you haven't really figured her out. She, on the other hand, seems to have thoroughly concluded that she likes her life better with you out of it.

As far as giving her space goes, she's had 9 months of you being gone. She's set up a new household that you are locked out of. This gal has provided herself with all kinds of space. She doesn't need you to give her any. Whatever she wants, she'll take. But you do come in handy as a babysitter. She seems to like her free time without the kids, when that suits her.

What seems very clear to me is that she has already ended this marriage. I'm sorry, but it really sounds to me as though she simply does not love you. She has moved on and she is not coming back. She has a vision for her future that does not include you. I don't believe any amount of counseling can put it back together. This is not about her being hurt. This is about her having already resumed living single, and she likes it just fine. She wants to date other men and that's what she's been doing. She's tested the waters, and she has decided that she likes the options that she'll have free of you. It's horribly hurtful for you to get hit with this in the way she is doing it, but she doesn't sound to me like she has a big problem with hurting people. I mean she was hanging out with a married man.

But I don't know how it is legal for a woman to just tell a man that he can't live with his own children - when the two of you aren't even legally separated. Give her space!??? Are you kidding me!? What happened to the place where you were living before that last deployment? Look what she did when your deployment "gave her space." Now she says you can hang around, or do what you want, or whatever . . . but she's not filing for divorce. ???

Get to a lawyer and ask: "How can my wife take my children, set up a household of her own, forbid me access to it and just tell me to go do what I want?" Get into that lawyer's office NOW. If the lawyer is any good at all, he/she will know more what your wife is up to than you have any idea of yourself. I'm not saying you should pursue divorce. That might be the last thing you should do at this point in time. But you've got interests to protect - the welfare of your children and control of your financial resources.

She is leaving you. She has already left you. She has taken your children away from you (except when she needs time away from the kids.) She's got a plan way beyond what she's told you about. A lawyer can possibly figure out what she's angling for . . . and she's angling. Stop letting her make your plans for you. Go get legal advice about this whole mess. Nevermind feeling guilty about this or that in your past. Explain to an attorney that you had no earthly idea about leaving your wife, but came home to find she has left you. Ask what your options are and what implications pursuing them will have. Get any money you have as much under your own control as possible. Ask a lawyer what you should be concerned about financially. She's thinking way faster than you, and you need to catch up.

DadFMF, I see Rose (& others ) have given you VERY SOUND advice! Take it!

When I read her post, I also got concerned re money. When my spouse 'started' with his midlife crisis (dont know if its over), the first bit of advice I got was about finances.

This problem will be very much compounded WITH financial woes. (after all, money stress is in a 'class' all by itself!! )

If she is completely out of your life, the only insulation that you really have is to focus on your own life.

When my spouse (emotionally) left the marriage years ago, I never thought that I would be at a point where the marriage didn't matter. it seemed like the end of my world. It was initially very painful but bit by bit I tried to get involved in activities, go out and focused on being better re personal & professional development. Today, he's the one trying to save marriage.

Focus on money, legal advice as advised above. Focus on you - what you like, what gives you happiness, your kids. Work on your *mental strength (by living life, distracting yourself with fun activities to not dwell on situation too much). A personality type like your wife's is not one you want to live with it anyway.

Too many hold on, only to have no choice in old age to live with someone who makes them miserable. I repeat what was mentioned earlier - she probably did you a favour.

Be happy