Marriage separation after deployment

Thank you all again. I will answer your guys questions:

Financially, the only thing I am paying her is what the military is making me pay her. I'm not going to say the exact price, but it's pretty much child support. She does have medical insurance through the military since she is married to me that basically doesn't come out of my pocket. She pays for her own phone, car insurance ect as I took her off my plans. We didn't buy a house and she pays for her own vehicle, so there is nothing binding us together in that aspect

Her Personality: as far as this is concerned, the way she has been treating me the last month I never experienced this the whole 10 years we been together. She used to be such a sweet and genuinely nice person. She changed when I came back. She started hanging out with a few people that I did not agree with who showed her the "Single Life" while I deployed. Probably told her things she wanted to hear and to get rid of me. Basically talking her head up. She just has this cocky, I don't care attitude. Her mom keeps telling me deep down she is miserable and let her make stupid decisions. Just keep praying about it.

legally, I already had legal consultations for my rights. Again, I'm holding off for a few reasons but I am seriously questioning on what I should do. I know the answer a lot of people have is "Get rid of her, divorce he" and I know that's the easy way out to move on, but I'm going to wait a little longer to see if she does have a come to God moment that everything isn't what it seems to be on the other side. It might not ever happen, but I don't want to live with regrets later on. Either way you have to be separated a year in this state, so there is no huge rush.

As far as my kids, I see them all the time, so there is no issues with that. During drop off and pick up, we don't speak or anything. We still haven't talked in person (One on One mature conversation). We have a schedule so that's good. It avoids unwanted arguments as

Hey there again. I think so long as you are financially secure in the future. That you have considered all future legal implications, then you re sound.
The practical safety net is in place.
Because if the worst comes to the worst you won't want to deal with it all then. And it could feel like everything is falling in on you.

Now, though you are in a position to play it by ear.
Don't listen to anything that supposedly came from your wife unless it's from her own mouth.

I would like to make a point about survival here, because that's what I believe started her actions. There is a big difference between surviving and living, and I think imho, this is what your wife believes she is doing now by focusing on "herself and the kids."
Interesting she put them that way round and not the other. But maybe that's just me.

I cannot speak to her vindictiveness, I suspect she hoped beyond hope that you would get deployed again and just falloff the earth. Not out of callousness but because it would've been easier for her.
I suspect a lot of her anger stems from you not making this easy.
It's easy enough to gauge, just watch her reactions if her plans don't work out.

These situations are saddest of all, because you have one partner who has drawn battle lines and is in full on fight mode.
The other is still catching up.
In all honesty I would love to see even just an amicable conclusion to this story.
I really do wish you the best of luck. And that your wife responds positively to your tactics of minimum contact, and no confrontation. It may take her a while to believe it.
If she is used to you, going at things like a bull in a China shop. She might still be expecting that.

Consistency is the key.

Take care, be kind to yourself.

I'm glad you've had legal consultations regarding your rights. And I'm glad you see your kids regularly with, apparently, no conflict over custody issues.

I don't think any of us here are pushing you to file for divorce, or thinking that will be an easy solution. Plus, as you say, you're not even eligible, yet, to do that. It also explains why she hasn't done that.

You say you are being stationed there for the near foreseeable future. That simplifies a lot. I guess, then, you are doing about all you can. Take things day by day.

It's my own belief, based on years of watching people and life, that hardly anyone hugely changes in who they are. But your wife may have gained a lot of confidence in her ability to get by without you. I think you are placing too much blame on other people for ruining the relationship between your wife and yourself. They may have helped her open some doors, but she was looking for those doors, and she would have found her way to where she us at, one way or another. Like you say: the things they told her were what you suspect she "wanted to hear." Anyone can find people to agree with them, if they look hard enough. Plus, they are only hearing her side.

Thanks you for the responses. I'm just taking it day by day. I'm in a lot better place mentally then I was the first few weeks back. I'm starting to accept things for what they are, I'm getting better spiritually and learning to get back on my feet. I'm acting eating and sleeping through the night now. I still think about it, but I'm not obsessed with it anymore. All I can be is positive to get through this time. With or without her, I want to work on my flaws to be a better husband/father or be better for the next person. Just going to kill her with kindness. I just hope she finds God again and gets back on track. She is a great mother and I will never take that from her. I just feel she has a lot of soul searching to do as we all do, cause I know this was a wake up call to the mistakes I made in this marriage that I am actively working on. She is saying a lot of horrible and angry stuff to me out of anger and hurt that I don't deserve, but I do understand how she feels. Just hope I can be a success story amidst all of the negative endings a lot of people have in this group. With God, if you pray and live your life the best you can, we will all be winners! I appreciate everyone taking the time out to comment. Means a lot!

So she text a long rant last night after she found out her sister is going n the hospital...She went told me that she's lonely, but would rather be lonely than miserable. She said that she was independent and free spirited and I wasn't. She said she found happiness again, to be silly, free without having to worry to be judged. I then asked her if she still wanted to be married to me and she said "I Love You, but I can longer be married to you. Don't be angry, I hope you find a docile woman"

I screenshotted this and sent it to her mother, as to where I been getting spiritual guidance. She said it seems like her daughter is hurting soooo bad from her own personal demons. She reiterated to me that her daughter loves me cause she said it numerous times. She also stated that when she found out sister was in the hospital, I was the first person she thought about...I know I'm way behind the power curve. As I stated in my previous posts, she became independent and free while I was gone. She said she hit euphoria that she hasn't seen in years which reall hurt my feelings. I never knew she was that unhappy with me...I just wished I could of addressed those issues earlier in our marriage. I don't know what to do now. I offered to be there for her while her sister was in the hospital (Pregnancy issues ", she stated " My true friends have my back" and "No thank you". My question is, why did she even text me in the first place to let me know all of this if she did care about me? In her rant, she told me all the things that she likes doing now that we had never done before nor did I even know she took interest in like shooting ranges..I just don't know what to think right now at this moment...I'm sad, hurt and wish I had a chance to show her that I love her. I don't want to just be a coparent, I want to be her husband.

DadFMF - you are walking on thin ice if you don't detach.
>> My question is, why did she even text me in the first place to let me know all of this if she did care about me?<<
She's confused. There may also experience internal raging & you may her guy to blame ...

You wife may love you on some level, or maybe not! This emotional environment is NOT conducive to acquiring any accurate picture of the situation. In any event, love is expressed through authentic action not just words regardless of what her mother says. She may say this to her mother but her words to you in bold were anything but loving. They were meant to be hurtful. Her actions also speak

Re >>the things she's doing 'now' that she did not do with you<<. That's nit-picking - She's looking for excuses to justify her actions including her decision to not be with you. The mind can devise really good ways to deal with guilt vilifying the spouse may be next ...

>>i love you but no longer want to be married you<< Whoa!! This is a 'common statement' with those who are going through a crisis. IF she is undergoing a crisis, you cannot win - this one is ugly & needs to 'run its course'.

We know you love her. You are not an 'on-off switch'. However, if she is so different from how she was before, then you are not dealing with the same person. Something happened. She's undergoing change & her 'coping mechanisms are on steroids & screaming' at her (she's trying to get happy, to solve whatever issues have been internally & subconsciously gnawing away at her. these are likely to be issues that were present long before you met)

Someone is either in a healthy relationship or not. This is not healthy. Yes you love her because you are not going through 'the temp. insanity mode thing' where you can change in a beat. It will be sad, very sad but please take care of you.

Keep some distance between yourself & her. You may be reminding her that what she's done is (subconsciously) wrong. She won't like you for it. Defences will go up! Attack mode on & you will quickly hear more unkind words IF she is in crisis. 'Subconscious' guilt & shame is hard on a crisis person - I experienced this first hand.

Don't fall for the word "love" - look at the actions. She isn't with you, is she? Falling for these words from mother in law will only hurt & give you false hope. There is no logic within an illogical- in flux state. Time will reveal all - in your favour ... or not.

DadFMF, I am sorry if some messages come across as negative. That is NOT the intent. I can speak only for myself. I hoped so much when my own ordeal began. I desperately held on looked for 'signs of love, where there was none. I hurt myself. My husband simply needed to give whatever (???) its own natural expression. It had to come out in its own time & in its own way. And nothing I did made any difference.

Of course we all wish for positive outcome, but it's not happening right NOW, & while she goes through what she has to, you need to be mindful to protect yourself as well.

I am glad that finances, legal matters, kids matters, are in order for you
Your emotions & feelings are next. Please take care of yourself.

Please,please stop listening to this word love, like it's the same thing you are feeling. It is being used as a leash to hold you in place while your wife spirals through her emotional crisis.

Why did she text you...that's easy.
The situation was out of her control and she wanted to lash out and knows you will take it. Her "friends " probably won't.
Your not her whipping boy, and if you want to maintain any sanity you need to stop attaching to this love word.
Since the beginning of time people have thrown that word around to get what they want. This is no difference.

" I love you.....we but here are all the things I can't stand about you, and all the ways you made me miserable."

Yet again avoiding any inclination to take responsibility for her own situation.
Everything she wrote there wE designed to be as painful as possible.
I suggested this may happen when you refused to play her games.
Well what I said is her reactions would tell.

You aren't leaving, like I suspected she wanted. So now she lashes out because your upsetting her plans.

Steel yourself,because I suspect it's going to get uglier than this.

Please take care. Protect yourself.

Thank you for the comments. I agree with your opinions on the situation. It's hard to disconnect when you have kids. I get them almost everyday, so I have to see and deal with her. My son was crying to her last night, saying they wished we all lived together. She plain out told him "No". She told me to "stop giving them false hopes". I told her if she didn't plan on living with me anymore, why didn't you tell me this as an adult? She never responded back. All she can say to me when she does open up is everything I done wrong, how she found this sense of happiness and life again. I just don't understand why she just doesn't file for divorce. It would clear a whole lot of this up if that's how she really feels. I didn't want to initiate it, cause I'm not the one with all these problems. She's telling me she's not looking for or cheating on me. She said she gave me "numerous" chances and she fed up with everything. She will send me memes that say "When you hurt me, you force me to grow, when I out grow that hurt....I out grow you. True love is not suppose to hurt". And she sends other memes too. I know everything looks bleak. I just don't know how much time to give. I know she is going to school, working 2 jobs and taking care of the kids. She does hang out with friends sometimes. I just wish I could jump in her head to know what's going on. Me personally, I am starting to accept the fact that things are the way the are being separated but I just need to know where this is going before I give up and call it a day. Im trying to be as patient as a man can be but how much time is enough time???

If I set up a deadline, then she will think I'm controlling and that's one of the issues she had with me in the first place. I'm just a rock in a hard spot now. I know I could file for divorce and end it, but will that really make me happy, No. I still love her with hopes she will let her guard down and let me in her life again. I know it's a gamble and she even said it will never be the same again. Maybe I'm just an idiot....I just don't know anymore.

I don't think you should depend too much on her mother as your source of spiritual guidance. Find a good faith community to join.

It might be best to just let some months roll on, without committing to anything final. When a year goes by, see if she files. If she doesn't, then consider filing yourself. But wait till then. This way your son will have a chance to understand that you are not the one walking out on the family.

That's what I don't want to have is my 2 kids looking at me as the bad guy, but the know I love them. It's just a tough time to go through all of this, especially coming back from deployment to this.

DadFMF, after 3 years of being hurled nasty insults without a clear plan to divorce on the part of my raging spouse, i discovered below.

Re: the first bold, above (no plans to divorce) - I read on the internet about a reference to crumbing. I have looked to find the 'medical' name with out success.

Essentially, many criss spouse throw crumbs. The act of throwing their partners 'crumbs' to give impression that there is still some kind of relationship or connection (where there is none) in case things go sour on outside.

As for time? Sorry to say, some take 2/3 years. 5 years, even 10 years ... or never!
Each person is different. Each set of circumstances is different re complexity.

This is the reason that it is PRUDENT to go on with your life.

I think it's nice, Dad, that you give your wife credit as a mother, saying she is good at that and something you can't take away from her. However, while admitting I'm in no position to know and judge, I can't help but wonder about a few things:

You say you have the kids almost every day. Sounds like she's looking to recapture the lifestyle of a single gal - prekids. She took down your pictures from the walls of the kids' bedrooms. That's not good for your children emotionally. It would be different, if you were an abusive/negligent father. But you must not be, or she'ld have no business arranging for them to see so much of you. And she's had them on a sleepover at some guy's house? Sounds to me like what's healthy for those kids comes second to her enjoying her new "free-spirited" lifestyle.

As for you giving them "false hopes," she seems to be the one keeping them in an emotional limbo. I can't see where she is, in any way, handling this intended departure from being married to you in a way that shows much sensitivity to the needs of an 8 and 7 year old whose parents are breaking up. Cocky . . . that's her attitude? And I believe you that she is cocky. That's a mighty strange mindset to have around two children, experiencing what may feel excruciatingly unsettling to them. Nothing in this narrative indicates that she expends much mental effort concerning herself with minimizing the trauma to these two children. They get treated to the tension of Mom and Dad being barely civil to each other on a daily basis, day after day after day. (Which is the tone that she - not you - seems to want to set.) I find this appalling. Her response to your son's plea for family unity showed zero sensitivity. I think this gal has a cruel streak in her that just leaves me slack-jawed.

Finally, it strikes me odd that her own mother seems to be so supportive of you. It makes me wonder: How bad can you be?

Keep seeing the kids. Keep killing her with kindness. Don't get taunted into making any decisive, premature moves. Hang back and just wait to see where in the heck she thinks she's going with this bizarre strategy.

Don't make it easy for her to paint you the bad guy - the one running out on the family. She's wanting you to get tired of waiting in the wings and do something that helps elevate her as "the woman wronged."

She may be great with kids in some way that I'm missing, but it sure eludes me what that might be. My heart goes out to your poor son. He's trying to put this together in his little, inexperienced brain . . . and he doesn't know what to make of it all. This is not how a mature, caring woman prepares children for the dissolution of a marriage and the break-up of a home.

I pick up my kids Every Monday and Wednesday from 5-9, I pick them up from school Thursday and Friday from 3-6 and I get them on the weekends (Every other weekend). I don't know what's going through her mind. I know she feels free to be alone, to hang out with whoever and not have to deal with anyone telling her not to do so...She also mention that she is very lonely and wants a mate but doesn't want to be miserable do it. I think she is waiting for me to change my controlling was. I told her she didn't respect me and she said "I don't respect a disrespectful person" I don't know what's going through her mind. I'm just going to stay to myself and try hard not to contact her. We texted everyday since I been back from deployment and made myself assessable. I have to somehow prepare my mind that our marriage is over (Atleast I need to think that) so I can move on with my life. It just hurts very bad and I know deep down she cares, she is going through a weird mental state that I can't figure out.

With how involved you are with the children (picking them up 4 days a week and every other weekend,) I'm wondering how she managed their care during the 9 months you were away on deployment.

I'm sorry for how hurtful this feels to you. You seem to be trying to cooperate with her and putting yourself at her disposal regarding caring for the two children.

Any attempt to engage her in discussion seems to go absolutely nowhere, except for her to exude ill-will. So it might be best to offer her nothing to react to. For a woman who supposedly spent years under the thumb of a domineering, controlling husband, she sure seems to have no trouble finding her way into the driver's seat now. This whole business of her not wanting to be "docile," sounds suspiciously like a cover for her not wanting any constraints whatsoever.

Cherish your children. I have a feeling they are going to really need you very much going forward. Where do you bring them when you have them? Do you have an apartment/home where they can settle in?

You are wise to mentally prepare yourself for the marriage ending. She does not seem to want a reconciliation. I wouldn't assume her motives are what she claims . . . that it's all about you being insufferably overbearing.

I'm currently staying with a friend. I have my own room, bathroom ect. One of my friends is deploying at the end of the month, so they are clearing out their own home for mento move into for 9 months. They will be paying the rent so all I have to do is worry about utilities which will afford me the opportunity to save a lot of money to get my own place when they get back from deployment. I'm grateful to have such good friends that look out for me, I'm very appreciative about that. As far as her motives, I'm cutting all communication with her. If she calls, I just give the phone to my kids. I just have to work on my self control, cause when I find something that pisses me off, I tend to voice myself. Just little things that I need to work on personally like self control. She apparently "Found" herself while I was gone hanging out with these friends. My first deployment married to her, I didn't have these problems as she was a stay at home mom. I'm not saying she can't have friends or even hang out with friends, but one on on with another man, married or not, is inappropriate. I would never have done that to her much less bring my kids around that. She is having fun and able to be herself around them, that's what I am assuming. She says she is a free spirited person, a people person and that I am not like that. She stated all the things she likes to do and that I didn't like that or not like that. She said she gave me numerous chances to change and she doesn't feel she could give me another right now. I asked her if we where ever going to live together again, she said "As of right now, No". She didn't just state "No" though. The best thing I can do is act like we are divorced and maybe that will make the recovery a lot better. She just changed into a different person and states she doesn't trust me. I just feel there is more to this but I'll never know. She's to angry and selfish to think about anything rationally, so at this time, I'll just leave her be and move on with my life. I feel if I do that, I'll just prepare myself for the worst. I just hate the fact that I have to start over again. 2 failed marriages cause I deployed and bother my ex's decided to move on when I left. She told me "Now I know what your ex wife felt like". Just a lot of hurtful things. I'm curious to see if she reaches out to me once I stop contact with her. Guess we will find out

Hey DadFMF,

I hate to tell you this but you are in for a rough time emotionally. This hurts - you can't simply switch off, so part of your self care is to expect it. The best part of your post is in red, above. Everything else you have mentioned is meant to hurt you - the more you communicate with her, the more reasons she will find to validate her actions & decisions. The more you expose yourself to her the more you will be blamed.

Again, I do not know exactly what she's going through but her behaviour is very much 'template' like that of a crisis individual. All of this 'guilting' is to push you away & yet she still has you to serve whatever needs to be met. (Crumbing just enough to give you the impression that there is some sort of connection even if 'warped,' in case her plans & wishes do not materialize in the way she expects) Let her GO

As for her reaching out to you should you stop contact? It is possible This will be so if only to KNOW what is happening in your world to serve her world. Let her go - the more you pursue or hope, the more the situation will worsen.

ONE of you has to be a responsible adult. Do let 'her crazy' make you crazy.

For a woman who wants to disconnect from you, she sure seems to suck up a lot of attention. I think minimizing communication with her is possibly the right way to go. She just keeps throwing little knives at you. She enjoys giving her little condescending speeches. Don't provide her with an audience. Act polite, but indifferent to her. She's constantly trying to get a rise out of you. Let your only reaction be along the lines of you being completely bored with her.

She seems to be trying to manipulate you into assuming some begging posture. This woman sounds very self-centered.

Don't worry about filing, or her filing. Just hang back. Just observe.

Than you all. That's what I plan to do. I haven't texted her all day today. First day o been back from deployment I haven't texted her which is good. She hasn't texted me either. I'll do this for a while and just see what happens. I know she feeds off me, so if I don't say anything, she won't have nothing negative to say. Just going to play it cool from now on

There's another thing I'ld like to address - this business of a married person having a "friend" of the opposite gender that they hang out with and it's supposed to be all innocent and fine for them to be together one-on-one. That comes up a lot in threads here at PC, and - no - I don't think it's fine.

During times when I've been a student in college, there have been occasional instances where I've met with a male classmate because we were jointly working on a project or doing some report together. That's a pretty narrow context. Generally speaking, though, while I've been living with my significant other, I would not think it normal for me to be socializing one on one with a male. And I certainly would not be okay with him meeting up with a female to deepen their level of aquaintance.

Your wife seems to be shopping the singles' scene. She's run into a married man who may be doing the same thing. She won't come out and say she's sure she wants to end the marriage, but she's been living as though it were already over. Meanwhile, she signals that the door is a tiny bit open, in case you reform and remake yourself. What she insists is that all this is driven by you being the way you are, and she is merely trying to cope with a problem that you created. That theory sound a little too neat and tidy to me. Did the two of you utterly not know each other when you got married?

As two people in a marriage grow and develop, their relationship gets re-negotiated. Having times of being frustrated with each other is part of normal life. It doesn't sound like that's what this is. What she's doing seems to have a vindictiveness to it that does not seem to me to be a part of healthy growth.

After enough of this, you may find yourself eventually not really wanting to get back with her. But it's fine to just take a wait and watch approach. You're only back a month.

Whatever happens to the marital relationship, no third person will ever love those kids as much as the two of you do. I know you don't want to be just a co-parent to her. For now, though, that's where you are at.

I'm glad you have friends. I hope you can find some warm moments with them. This is very hard for you to go through. I don't understand someone going month after month trying to make another person as miserable as possible. I can't see where life is going to reward her for that. I don't think that's how life works.

I meant not ..

I just feel like I have no control. I really been referring to the Bible and trying to put my anxieties on him. I know actions are louder than words. I feel if I would have never made the mistakes I made before I deployed I wouldn't be in this predicament. I know I don't deserve the way she is treating me, but I do understand the pain she must have felt. I would have been upset if I would have seen that myself. I just need to focus on giving her space to figure things out and to focus on the mistakes I made in the marriage, since that's all the control I have of. I just hate this feeling of loneliness. Even when I have my children, it makes me miss my wife even more. Atleast I am eating and able to sleep now. I just don't want to end our marriage cause I truly love her. I just don't love the way she is handling this situation by hurting me and acting like she doesn't care

As hard as it is, it's best to move on. You don't need to be strung along. It's sounds like she just doesn't want to be the bad one in the relationship so she wants you to do all the filing. Do what is best for you.

She has never said she has no intention of working on the marriage after she gets finished working on her education & getting skills needed to take care of herself if you ever do leave her for what ever reason may be the cause....so NOT abandonment. I have looked that up because it is the situation I chose for myself after 33 years of marriage. Long term separations also happen whuch is the position im in right now. I left & H didnt want a divorce & neither of us had the money to pay for one though this year I will be getting it finalized.

I will play the devils advocate only because here we dont KNOW BOTH SIDES OF THE REAL STORY.

We dont know if you ever encouraged or discouraged your wife from getting an education to be able to take care of herself if anything ever did happen to you. Many times the military friends Ive had didnt encourage that because of all the moving around they do with new assignments in new locations. She may be afraid to go back at this point in time if she thinks things will just go back to status quo & be discouraged from completing what she truly feels she needs for her own safety & well being. I know getting my degree I needed lots of suppirt having a baby & I had family & church family around to provide that support. I agree, her choice of support is NOT WISE but I also know when we feel desperate we reach out to people that may not be our wisest choice. That indicates to me that she may not be very strong when it comes to standing up for herself which may be why she feels she has to stay away from the marriage & you right now. Have you ever let her know that you stand by her education & would helo her all theway in achieving her goals in life.

Its sad this corresponded with your deployment but your deployment was probably the lightbulb that turned on after she caught your texting....what if he leaves me.......or never comes home???? How would I be able to take care of me & the kids???? Thats a huge wake up call to do something with one's OWN life & that of the kids.

If she accomplishes her goal & still doesnt want ti work on the marriage whenshe feels stronger abiut herself & the counseling will be working in the marriage in terms of whatshe is then not what she is now....makes sense to me...but if not willing to work on it then....you WILL KNOW that the marriage is over then....otherwise its a good time to start over. Sounds to me that her not wanting a divorce that might be thevdirection her thoughts are going in.

Maybe she just really needs to hear how much you are really willing to support her in her goals especially if your marriage up to this point has been all about you & your deployments & goals & the kids....I sure wouldnt want to get list in a relationship marriage like that either.

Your texting she caught folliwed by your deployment were probably red flags to her for where would I be if hevdoes end up gone out of my life.

DadFMF, this is the sad part of the experience - you are still attached. How could you not?

You have NO control re: your wife but you DO HAVE CONTROL re yourself - how you choose to handle this situation.

If you had never made these particular mistakes, then others could have emerged anyway (this is life)
- AND quite possibly, sooner or later the issues within your wife would have surfaced. All hindsight ... please do not beat up yourself.

Listen to Ted Talks, Rethinking Infidelity - Esther Perel sometime. Infidelity doesn't always have to do with spouse. That's what the cheating spouse assumes .. so much of what people go through has to do with what baggage they came with in the first place.

Re your marriage. It has ended, this 'aspect' of it, 'this version 1.0' had ended. To conceive it any other way will be to hurt yourself. Another version will result if it works out, but right now, the previous version, the marriage you know has ended.

The thing is that timing is important & to force any issue with her, will only aggravate the situation. This HAS to run its course. She has to go through what she has to go through.

If you work on yourself, you will be better father, a happier person, & attract the right people (including her if it is to be). Use this time to work on yourself, not her (she is far from ready! )