would abusive history scare you off?

Suppose you're dating a guy who has a history of abuse, but in the past two years he's had some really good therapy. He is respectful and thoughful of you and you are able to be vulnerable with him and he won't hurt you psychologically.

But the history of his uncontrolled temper niggles at me.

I know he's been to therapy and still is going, and we get along just great, yet I fear terribly that temper of his. I've never seen it yet, but because he used to have it, I fear it will return. I know he has learned how to deal with it and it has been controlled for a long time...Still, I would hate to be in a second marriage and his temper comes back....

Difficult decisions to make. sigh.

Sounds kind of like you answered your question...

Though if you want to see if someone can change watch...watch how they handle themselves throught the difficult times...

lol... I am biased... because I was married to an abusive m an for 12 years.... I would run for the hills...before I would date anyone with even a hint of a history of violence..

Having said that.. you don't mention if he used to lose his temper and say mean things.. or if he hit people.. or if he hit doors..

so I guess what I saying..... is to me there is a very broad range.. I do not condone any of it... but I do feel like people can learn to control their temper... so if it was angry outbursts with no violence.. I would have more hope for him..

However, if it was actual physical violence on another person... ahh.. me I wouldn't even consider it...

just mu opinion..

Withit,

My first husband was one of the most charming men I ever met. He had had successful therapy to put the Vietnam War behind him. Once we were married, it all came out of the box again, and I was physically abused and almost killed on one occasion.

RUN!

EJ

yes,,, I will add that my husband was one of the most charming men ever.. he could charm the socks of you.. but... once married.. Yazza... I will never forget.. and yes I too was almost killed on occasion..

He went thru relationship after relationship like that... so it wasn't the "wife"... it was most definetly him.. he ruined.. many a life...

he was like a "time bomb" ticking..just always set to explode..

Freewill,

I agree that you don't know a man until after you are married.

My current charming husband of 34 years seemed very calm and easy going, until after we were married then he starting having unattractive temper tantrums.

It is easy to get into a relationship, but not always so easy to get out of one.
EJ

For me, what is behind a person's anger and abuse is a key thing. For example, my husband has always been a very angry man. I saw hints of it before we were married and ignored it (I was young, no experience, you know the story). Now we are getting divorced. I've had enough of the emotional/verbal abuse and anger. He has a problem with a woman, especially his wife, having independent opinions on things, thoughts of her own, even about trivial matters. For example, if my first choice movie to watch is different from his, it can %#@&#! him off. But in recent years, his anger has become more controlled. He has been taking anti-depressants, and these help him be less angry. But.... he still harbors that same beliefs about women, such as they shouldn't have their own desires and opinions. But he just doesn't get so angry about it anymore. For me, even though the anger is more controlled now, I still don't want to be with this guy, because of his core beliefs about women. So it doesn't matter that his anger is less. He is still the same guy with the same beliefs underneath. Does that make sense? (We are getting divorced, BTW.) I think therapy can help a person learn anger management. But can it help change fundamental beliefs that they hold?

By the way, my husband can be extremely charming. I see that word come up in several people's posts.

wow.. this thread brings back so many memories.. I have been divorced for 23 years..

and yes... I so agree... if my ex-husband had learned to control his temper... I still would not have wanted to be with him

because of that belief..

I have worked with so many women.. that say the same thing.. easy to get into a relationship with abusive man.. absolute hell to get out..
They do not let go very easily... believe me...

So 'normal' men are not charming?
It's the charm that scares me, that has me thinking this charm can't last and what will replace it.....?

One of the greatest predictors of future behavior is past behavior.

Normal men can't be charming...it sticks in my mind and it almost sounds similar to the thread about men being jerks or something like that.

I'm thinking about the question...I don't know...I think charming men can attract a lot of women...which may feel like they have power...I'm sure there are plenty of charming men that are not abusive...

I don't consider myself charming...I'm socially inept...however...not sure I'm normal either...

So probably just a stereotype...the true answer is past behavior is a great indicator of the future...if there has been a major change in their life...that behavior can take a different course...time, watching is the only way to see if the behavior has really changed...especially when things get tough...

I think many of us go back to familiar habits...in this case I'm not really talking about your specific situation, but those of us here...

It is that thought that we know we can sink to old habits...that I think would be a red flag...abuse in any form...is something to watch...I personally believe I was verbally abused by my wife...often afraid to disagree...felt very controlled...

Recently during a session with the kids (she has problems in her home, but doesn't involve herself in these sessions)...i realized from what they were saying...that they were experiencing on some level the same thing...It makes me shutter...the effect this will have on the children...two boys one girl...will the boys become angry with women and seek power for themselves or wiill they choose to realize it was her l...will the girl think this is how one treats a man...or will she realize for herself...

I thought by removing myself from the marriage...me being the problem...making her angry that it would stop...unfortunately...the kids now get it...

I know this is a different situation then you are in...however...I hope it gives you something to think about...and as always...abusive history is universal... both men and women can be the abusers...though few men will admit that they were abused....

I don't know what you are calling "charm". The Bible says "charm is deceitful. . ." (Proverbs 31:30) but there's no reason that "normal" men can't be pleasant, witty, etc. which is a lot of charm. I'd look at what you are meaning by charm, whether he is getting or avoiding something with his charm. I'm charming and trying to change that aspect as I use my charm to keep from having to work very hard at things I don't like and to get out of "scrapes". I think I'd say the opposite of charm is directness, admitting faults and worries.

An acid test might be to ask him what HE thinks of his abusive past and see how he handles the conversation. If he is not "worried" that he may act abusively again, then run. I didn't have children partly because of my stepmother's excellent training in how to be abusive and because I was afraid I'd be angry and verbally/emotionally abusive too often. I might do fine now and don't particularly worry about being with my husband's grandchildren but I've had 18 years of therapy.

You bet -- I'd run far and fast in the other direction. I have not even liked to date men who owned guns and generally terminated after one or two dates once I knew.

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withit said:
So 'normal' men are not charming?

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I think many men who can turn on the charm are not abusive, controlling, abnormal, etc. Some men are simply charming, and it's a good thing! So don't be scared off, withit, just because your guy has some charm. But if there are other reasons to be scared off, consider them.

Ohh YES. I wouldn't even consider it. I'd run like heck the opposite direction. Runnnnnnnn girl!

Juli