Why are women so cruel?

I'm a 32 year old woman who, since I was a child, have been bullied by other women. I have three brothers, so this came as a bit of a shock to me. I wasn't used to woman aggression.
I'm generally kind and accepting to all people, and I am always the one to lend a helping hand. I'm generous with my time and I'm the gal to call if you need a shoulder to cry on. Yet, despite this, I get treated with contempt from many women.
When I was about 10 this happened to me in school. For no reason at all, another girl in my class decided to single me out and excluded me from the whole group of girls. Social ostracism. It crushed my tender, young heart. And confused me too! Fast forward many years, and I have just experienced the same thing in my small network of women who I see at my place of worship. One girl singled me out, and I have lost friends ever since. She's done this to other women before me, so it's not a surprise, but she's still very effective. Many of our shared contacts are "odd" with me now.
They won't get close to me. They treat me coldly.
I am happily married, so we are not competing over men. I'm not sure what the problem is. I don't feel competitive with other women, so I don't understand this dynamic.

What is happening here? Why do women hate other women? And why am I often a target?

I feel the same way. I was very shy when younger so people singled me out in elementary school. I still feel that way. People will give you advice and say it is because of how YOU act, etc. and will tell you that you let people do that to you.

But WE don't know any other way to act, except being nice. You can't just tell someone to change how they act because that is how WE ACT! We just are too nice and don't know how to be mean to people.

When I do get mean with people I am then singled out as being crazy and I feel even more worthless.

I don't experience this in my life or if I do I'm oblivious to it, but I did experience it when I was younger (teens/20'). Somehow I think it stems from insecurities on their part. Secure women don't need to bring others down to feel good about themselves.

I never had this problem because my looks were average in high school and I tried to only associate with the nicest people. My friend groups were quite small. I also think our group did not deal with much drama because we did not drink or smoke weed and this was what many of the popular kids in high school did. It seemed like sometimes bullying incidents occurred at parties from some of the stories I heard.

However, my sister was considered a beauty in high school (some of it was just that she had a good sense of fashion, spent hours in the bathroom on hair and makeup, a size 0, etc.) and was very popular while still being a very kind person. There was always a girl giving her grief. It almost always was because she was dating a boy that these mean girls thought they could get. We were in a Mormon dominated small town and we weren't Mormon so a few of the Mormon girls (I have nothing against Mormon girls, some of my friends were Mormon) would think it was OK to threaten her whenever she took an eligible Mormon boy off the market. (They threatened to beat her up on more than one occassion and though she is athletic, she only weighed 95 pounds.) It was jealousy and I suppose some girls thought they might have a chance if they could get rid of her somehow. Seemed like an immature, silly concept to me. I don't get it. I never envied popularity--it just brings trouble.

As an adult, most of the places I worked were free from bullying (the adults). There was one exception--while working on an AT & T project at a call center, their were a couple of younger girls (20s) that bullied this other younger girl (only 19) because she was homeschooled and naive about life (but really sweet). When I stood up for the girl on a regular basis it caused a terrible commotion. Unfortunately, when we were called into HR--though the girl was definitely being bullied she said she wasn't so I was forced to walk away from my role protecting her. Perhaps she needed to be accepted by people her age--I was in my 40s at the time. She would bring these bullies all kinds of home cooked treats--they did absolutely nothing for her except stop being mean when she gave them free stuff. After that, I saw her continue to be bullied but had to bite my tongue (I was not in a supervisory role at this job). Boy, did I dislike that job. I think those girls acted this way because it made them feel superior and more powerful somehow. Usually my stats were good but when they were only average one month, one of those girls said, "So ______(my name) isn't so perfect after all," so I could hear. Did she think I would care? That that would make me feel bad? I pretended not to hear her comment. Instead I thought to myself that my presence must have really bothered her but I did not care about her at all.....

I think when you are a woman, you are much more likely to be bullied by a woman than a man. My son once said men sometimes bully men (in a competitive kind of way--anything to find an edge--some of it is about "winning"). He also says that most men give girls more "slack" than they do men.

Sorry this happened to you. Some people can be really mean - not just women, but people in general. Luckily there are good people as well..

I truly don't know why these things happen in social groups, but it's not like I've not seen it, experienced it nor made friends through the years based upon a common statement that even my mom would say. " I just along better with the guys. "

Hi Sass.... Would you say there is still residual emotional 'wounding' stored within you and stemming from that challenging life experience you went through at that young age? What I'm asking is, do you feel you've completely healed from the effects of that experience during your youth?

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I was bullied (slightly different I know) in middle school and high school and it left psychological scares. I also had the experience you describe at a job that I held for 6 years. It was pure ****. Despite the great salary and benefits it was starting to impact my sanity and I left. Do you think this instigator might be jealous or intimated by you? Keep your head up and shake the dust off. They are not worth your time. You could see a therapist to help you process what you're feeling. Hugs coming your way.

Not all women hate other women… just some. I think part of it could do with jealousy. I get you I really do because I haven't had the best experiences with other women too. I'm sorry they treated you so cruelly.

Hi Sass, I'm truly sorry you've had this experience and good for you not getting drawn into these 'games' with these women.

Like wolfgaze I'd encourage you to look to your past and explore if you feel you've healed from that early experience. Young girls can be very cruel when in groups and I'm ashamed to say I've been on both sides. I remember joining in with the ostracising of another girl when we were 10/11 - I liked her and so the question is why did I join in with the others cruel games? It was because I was desparate to be part of that group - I did not have the strength of character to do the right thing, I was weak and silly. If I met her today I would apologise.

A year later I moved schools and found myself the target of a bully girl and her group - I then understood about cruelty and it's impact. I guess they banded together for the same reasons I did earlier at my other school.

Over the years I've experienced being cliqued out a few times (although I never again did it to another), and sometimes I've been the loner, or I've stuck with the guys. I don't fight against it, I observe it for what it is - it's sad and pointless behaviour and it's all about weakness and insecurity. It goes on a little bit where I work now - I stand apart and am true to myself and my own values (that is something I learned from both bullying and being bullied).

Don't let these women draw them into their little power games, stand apart, be alone if necessary and be that positive generous person you obviously are. Many, many people (other women too) will appreciate your qualities.

I think it is about jealousy. People who feel good about themselves have no need to abuse anyone.

I've been thinking deeply about this, and I don't think I've healed. It was a deep emotional wound, not only because it happened but also because of the reaction of my family. One morning I broke down sobbing and told my mother what was happening, telling her I just couldn't go to school. She (always with the tough love) said "you're going to school, and that's it".
My brother closest to me in age, thought I was silly, he didn't understand why I was upset (he has zero empathy, I love him, but he's missing that chip inside himself).
So, to a young 10 year old going through a "tragedy", the lack of support made me feel that :

- My feelings don't matter, are invalid or wrong
- My view on things is inconsequential
- Things I'm going through don't matter, I should just focus on others (and everything they're going through - every little thing - matters to me. But I hide anything I'm struggling with)
- I don't matter
- I'll never truly belong in a group of girls

This leads to so much emotional baggage. I keep others at an arms length emotionally. Some people complain that I am not open enough or vulnerable enough. But when I've been open with women in the past they've backstabbed me, misused information and twisted it to ostracize me, or used things I've shared against me. So how can I trust after all this baggage from life??? How can I heal a wound that others keep opening?

Yes, women can be so... catty! It's strange and scary. I don't get it. I don't understand why they want to be this way.

I'd love to know what makes a woman a target, and why I find myself one so often. My husband says I "stand out", but I don't mean to!
Here's a little bit about me: I'm petite, brunette, extroverted, and kind. I just do my own thing, and I can be independently happy. I'm in a band and I run a business with my husband. I'm not in other people's business. I don't tear others down. I'm the shoulder to cry on when anyone has an issue. I've been there for the women in my life countless times.
Yet, still, if someone is going to be ganged up on - it's me.

Why?!?!?!?

My husband thinks its about jealousy from these other women, but I just don't want to be bullied anymore.

Unfortunately I don't have an answer because it has happened to me a lot too, not much as a child but more in my adult life with insecure people at work. I think there's something in our past or in us that makes us a target. When I was a child I used to fight back and answer. As an adult I expect (even though I try to change this belief) to behave nicely, in a mature and respectful way and when it doesn't happen "oh my it hurts.." To be honest I think these people target where they feel a weakness and we have to try to not let them walk other us. One thing I have noticed is that when I slept well and feel good I deal more easily with this type of behaviour and show them how low or pathetic they are.

Thanks for sharing this. It happened to me as a child, and it's happened to me recently with an exceptionally emotionally aggressive woman. What bothers me is how other women get on the "band wagon". It's like women won't stand up for one another, even if they like them. Seems like the cruelest women have the most "followers". Which is not how adult, mature life should be.

I can't say for sure (I don't know you) and I think it can be various reasons why some women are targeted - jealousy can certainly be a factor and it sounds like you have a lot of great things in your life maybe others envy?

Overall though I'm not sure it's worth expending too much energy over trying to figure out 'why'. It is very likely more about them than you and we can't change others behaviour.

Excellent point. Being (healthily) assertive is something I have been working on for the past year and this has helped me to not blame myself for something that's not my fault. Learning assertiveness (rewiring your brain) is a rough road, but one that is well worth traveling!!

I know this is a gross generalization and a gross over simplification at that, but IME (as a female) it goes something like this:

e=mc²

Nah just kidding ��

Female + insecurity + (competition) = Total Annihilation

I discovered this as an ignorant 15 year old when I accidentally discovered my invites to hang out with "the girls" were getting lost...

Apparently I was seen as competition to someone (the queen bee) I considered a friend, and since she didn't want to compete for some perceived spotlight, she excluded me and told our friends I couldn't make it.

So much for trying to be friends with girls (I grew up a huge tomboy) so I went back to being friends with mostly guys and kept two girl friends with whom I'm still close friends with.

This is one of the stark contrasts I see between male and female friendships, women eliminate the competition, usually by character assassination, whereas guys welcome and respect the competition....

With "friends" like these, who needs enemies? Right?

I'm sorry they turned on you, but at least you know where you stand, where their loyalties lie, so you can dust yourself off and lead them in the dirt behind you.

You deserve better.

Hey Sass, thanks for not only fielding my question but for also taking the time to seriously contemplate the question and then respond in such a thorough & comprehensive manner...

This may sound really 'out there' to some people - and I can't exactly explain the mechanics behind this, but here goes anyway... A life experience that has a strong emotional impact on an individual's life can leave an energetic 'impression' upon the person, if the emotional energy that was generated was not fully processed and released. This most often happens to us during our youth/childhood whne we are less consciously developed and mentall/emotionally mature. Those life experiences/events lead to emotional 'wounding' and often times we survive only through suppressing and repressing the memories and the associated emotions... Now here is where things get really mysterious... When a person is living & operating with a strong & unresolved emotional 'impression' - it's likely that that individual will continue to find himself/herself going through certain life experiences, the nature of which will tend to touch on that internalized 'sensitivity' and which will evoke similar emotional energy as that which was experienced at an earlier age... It's like the individual will subconsciously be drawn to circumstances/situations which stimulate that unresolved emotional energy within him/her.

One common example might be a person who experienced abandonement at a young age and was understandably emotionally wounded/scarred from such a life experience. That individual later in life may very likely find himself/herself experiencing relationships that end up resulting in feelings of abandonement being generated again and again. Now that person is not consciously intending to find relationships that will inevitably feature such an experience. So that begs the question - why do such scenarios commonly play out?

I myself have experienced the phenomena that I am alluding to in the first paragraph. In a strange way it's like the Universe is coordinating experiences that force you to confront the unresolved emotional energy that is being stored within you and holding you back....

I want to share with you some excerpts from a book which touch upon this very subject matter... This is the best description of this that I have come across to date:

"Long term, the energy patterns that cannot make it through you are pushed out of the forefront of the mind and held until you are prepared to release them. These energy patterns, which hold tremendous detail about the events associated with them, are real. They don’t just disappear. When you are unable to allow life’s events to pass through you, they stay inside and become a problem. These patterns may be held within you for a very long time. When the energy can’t make it through the mind because of conflicts with other thoughts and mental concepts, it then tries to release through the heart. That is what creates all the emotional activity. When you resist even that release, the energy gets packed up and forced into deep storage within the heart. In the yogic tradition, that unfinished energy pattern is called a Samskara. This is a Sanskrit word meaning “impression,” and in the yogic teachings it is considered one of the most important influences affecting your life. A Samskara is a blockage, an impression from the past. It’s an unfinished energy pattern that ends up running your life. This process of cycling energy is exactly what happens with a Samskara. A Samskara is a cycle of stored past energy patterns in a state of relative equilibrium. It is your resistance to experiencing these patterns that causes the energy to keep cycling around itself. There is no other place for it to go. You won’t let it. This is how most people process their issues. This packet of cycling energy is literally stored in your energetic heart center. All the Samskaras you have collected over your life are stored there. The stored energy patterns are real. A Samskara is actually programmed with the specific details of the event that could not pass through. If you experience jealousy because you thought you saw your girlfriend hugging someone in a car, very detailed data about that event is stored in the Samskara. It has that event’s vibration, it has that event’s nature, and it even retains your level of sensitivity about the event. The energy that’s stored there is real, and it interacts with the flow of current thoughts and events. The dynamics of this interaction cause the vibrations that are stored as Samskaras to get activated, sometimes years later. The point is that past impressions do get stimulated, even old ones, and they affect your life. Sensory inputs from today’s events dig through all the stuff you have stored through the years, and they restore the exact past patterns associated with the incoming events. When a Samskara is stimulated, it opens like a flower and begins to release the stored energy. Suddenly, flashes of what you experienced when the original event took place rush into your consciousness—the thoughts, the feelings, sometimes even the smells and other sensory input. The Samskara can store a complete snapshot of the event. It is way beyond any computer storage system created by human beings. It can archive everything you were feeling, everything you were thinking, and everything that was happening surrounding the event. All this information is stored into a tiny energy bubble within your heart. Years later it gets stimulated, and instantly you are experiencing the feelings you felt in the past. You can actually feel the fears and the insecurity of a five-year-old when you’re sixty. What is happening is that unfinished mental and emotional energy patterns are getting stored and reactivated." The Untethered Soul (Michael Singer)

"Life creates situations that push you to your edges, all with the effect of removing what is blocked inside of you. That which is blocked and buried within you forms the root of fear. Fear is caused by blockages in the flow of your energy. When your energy is blocked, it can’t come up and feed your heart. Therefore, your heart becomes weak. When your heart is weak it becomes susceptible to lower vibrations, and one of the lowest of all vibrations is fear. Fear is the cause of every problem. If you truly want to grow spiritually, you’ll realize that keeping your stuff is keeping you trapped. Eventually you’ll want out, at any cost. You will then realize that life is actually trying to help you. Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth. You don’t have to decide who’s right or wrong. You don’t have to worry about other people’s issues. You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything, and permit the purification process to take place. When you do this, the first thing you’ll see is that situations will unfold that hit your stuff. But, in truth, that’s exactly what has been happening your entire life. The only difference is that now you see it as a good thing because it’s an opportunity to let go." The Untethered Soul (Michael Singer)


Does any of this content speak to you, on any level?

The fact that you report that you are continuing to have these types of experiences, and that you've shared that your experience during your youth left a deep emotional wound that you don't believe you've healed from - well this is all making sense to me now (when operating with the perspective outlined above)...

I know this post of yours was said in response to another forum user - but if I may also comment here....

Where I Believe The Answer Does Not Lie:

-spending significant conscious energy dwelling on the current/present life circumstances which are stimulating your stored emotional energy/patterns
-trying to psychoanalyze the individuals who keep popping into your life and treating you this way
-trying to avoid contact with people out of fear that they will act in a manner which ends up making you feel these sensitive emotions

Where I Believe The Answer May Lie

-it won't be found anywhere that's external to you... Not in current life events or controlling (as best you can) your environment and your interactions. The answer/solution really does lie within you and is waiting for you to uncover it. Sometimes we have to search for things where they cannot be found, and when we do that long enough, we eventually end up guiding ourselves to exactly what we were hoping and searching for all along.

-I feel like you need to direct the majority of your focus and conscious energy towards reconnecting with that 10 year old girl who went through those challenging experiences which led to that emotional wound/sensitivity forming. By sufficiently reconnecting with that earlier version of 'you' - you will be able to evoke the stored and suppressed emotional 'energy' which needs to fully surface so that it can be consciously acknowledged, processed, and then released (purged). But as long as some of it is being stored deep inside you - your sensitivity will linger. This ties in with what the author was saying about how the Universe or 'life' can give you events (later in life) which are designed to stimulate this unresolved energy so that it can surface and be cleared/resolved (let go of). Freeing/liberating yourself in the process.

-Do you find that you are also holding onto certain emotions that are directed at your family members for the way that they acted towards you during this challenging time of your life experience? Any anger, bitterness, resentment? If so, do you feel like you need to find forgiveness for these individuals in order for you to eventually secure your inner peace? And by 'forgiveness' I do not mean to imply that you need to contact these individuals and tell them that you forgive them. That's not required. By 'forgiveness' I mean an inner state that you arrive at where you decide that you are ready to let go of the debilitating emotions (hate, anger, bitterness, resentment) that may have been getting directed towards certain individuals. Where you decide that you are no longer going to allow those past actions to define your present state of consciousness - that you are now ready to move beyond your former state/condition because doing so is necessary for your ongoing well-being... We can discuss this in greater detail if this is something you feel you need to work towards and aren't sure about how to tackle this task...

---------------------------------

In a nutshell, as you consciously develop and grow/mature - your state of awarenes will expand and this alters how you perceive yourself, current life experiences, as well as your past experiences... This experience of your awareness expanding will also have the effect of encouraging subconscious 'material' (unresolved mental/emotional energy) to surface so that it can be processed and purged (part of your growth process). At some point a very significant life experience or circumstance may come along which has the effect of stimulating the remaining stored emotional energy inside you so that it rises to the surface of your consciousness. Of course this is a very challenging development and may feel awful in the moment - but ultimately it's what needs to happen for your better good. What had been stored and suppressed needs to see the light of day so that it can finally be processed and released/cleared/resolved once and for all. You are not the same person as you were at age 10 or any year of your past. Your state of conscious development and state of awareness is not the same now as it was at an earlier time. This is why when the sensitive emotional energy/material surfaces at a later time in life - you are now in a position to process it in a different manner than you understandably had been able to at a much earlier time. I went through exactly what I am writing about above and my 'sensitivity' revolved around feelings of rejection (more specifically, self-rejection).

I want to emphasize this... Your healing absolutely can come about when you least expect it to! It's not always going to be something that we 'force' to happen through our well-intentioned calculations and planning. This again ties back to a new life experience which triggers you and feels terrible at first - but then the fog begins to clear, the light increasingly breaks through, and you later realize the higher purpose behind it and how it actually served to play a critical role in your healing/purification process! So don't give up and do continue your searching - continue your self-exploration and discovery until you find that hidden treasure that is waiting for you to uncover within yourself...

It's a great question, unfortunately I believe it can go many layers deep and forum posts may not be the adequate medium. I'd seek therapy, meditation or studies to learn that.

Thank you for your comment but I must disagree. I think forums are exactly where this should be discussed. Take this out of darkness and into the light. Why was relational aggression not spoken of in high school? Why was woman bullying never discussed?
In our culture, it's not spoken of. And if you do speak of it, you're "complaining" or "dramatic". That is called victim blaming and victim shaming -- shaming based upon cultural conditioning.

If we talk about it more, and educate ourselves, perhaps less woman will internalize this experience, and more woman will grow from it.
And the highest hope: maybe some woman will stop being the bully themselves.

Thank you sooo much for this! There's so many points that make sense to me, and are exactly what I have been feeling. I didn't think the experience from my childhood had effected me THAT much, but I think that's been a bit of denial. I do keep having experiences that "mirror" this emotional pain. And I've been feeling like these experiences have been "attracted" into my life for some reason. I like to think it's to allow me to learn finally how to deal with those emotions.

I agree, we should talk about bullying and interpersonal relationships generally more especially in schools.

I did find I had internalised a lot of the bullying I went through, I found it hard in adulthood to reach out and make deeper connections (fine romantically but not so good with friendships), it's only recently I have broken through that. I would describe it as a kind of healing but it took almost 30 years to get to that point.