Is it strange to be 'vetted' by your partners family?

Does anyone else think this is a little odd, basically I am in a new relationship with a lovely woman and she has told me that a certain person that she knows (I don't know if it is a family member or friend) has 'vetted' me to make sure I am who I say I am.

I've given my partner no reason to doubt that I am who I say I am but she told me this today and it struck me as being a little bit odd.

She told me that her previous partner wasn't 'vetted' because she knew him through her work and that I am a 'stranger' effectively to the family even though I've been dating my partner for two months now.

This is normal in my family in this sense--when my mom first met H---endless questions---no beating around the bush. The same thing when my daughter went out with someone--endless questions from H about it--he made sure the boy knew he was on a short leash. That's how some people in some families are........

Thanks for answering.

Maybe I am over analysing it and thinking bad of a situation that is actually normal in some family circumstances.

What did they do? Did they google you? Did they run a credit check? It was creepy of her to say it. Vetted is a strange word, very ominous. Tell her you are going to vet her.

A funny story though, I once dated a guy who we ended up making him prove he was legit because he was a con man passing off questionably stolen goods through our business.

Given the ease of which it is possible to fake who and what you are these days, to change your name to escape factional passed.I think it's fairly reasonable, especially if you're to be around kids at any point, even if they aren't your partners, but relatives.

Not that ex cons should not have a chance at a fresh stArt. My fella did time, but he has been straight up from the get go and hasn't offended again since his conviction 10 years ago.
I am pretty certain his family have checked me out too, I am not offended by this, they want to limit the risk factors that caused him to get in trouble the first time.

I don't know exactly what this person did to 'vet' me, but apparently they grew suspicious of me for some reason.

My partner did say that they contacted my employer to ask them if I actually work there. Bizarre and even more bizarre that my employer is disclosing information like that to the general public.

I'm very confused by it all.

Do you think it's strange?

That is understandable given what he is/was.

I totally agree with this. Because it's never happened to me before this 'vetting' thing then that is why I am a little perplexed by it all. I wasn't offended by it until I knew of the way in which this person went about trying to find out things and obviously doesn't trust me.

I totally understand your families reasons for doing this.

Yes, it's strange and too nervy for my taste. They could have gotten you in trouble with your boss. You boss could think you are applying for another job. No, these are not good people. Red flag!

Contacting your employer was inappropriate.

Your employer disclosing information about you to an inquirer without your permission was also inappropriate.

In today's day and age I think this is pretty normal. As far as contacting your employer, it's a little questionable but as long as they just asked "can you confirm so and so works here" it's no harm done really. If employers have aright to check references, I think it's reasonable to check references with someone we date too. Dating is more consequential than working in most ways. Perhaps your fiancé was seriously burned in the past and the family is over protective. It's easy to judge people for being over protective but I'd prefer it over being under protective. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.....it's not just a cliche, it's very, very true.

This person that she is refusing to name who made the checks has totally bugged me. On the surface her family seemed 'normal' and friendly and now in a way I feel betrayed, kind of like they have gone behind my back in essence to verify my credentials.

My boss hasn't said anything to me and nor have I to them but still it makes me feel a little awkward around my colleagues now through no fault of my own.

I think you are right, these do seem to be red flags and IMO 'normal' people wouldn't and don't go to these lengths to verify a new partner.

You are bang on! Agree with both your points and it has left a bad taste in my mouth by my employer doing this.

I disagree with you about thinking there's no harm done contacting my employer to verify credentials. The person asking for clarification could be anybody or posing as somebody with or without sinister intentions (unbeknown to the employer.) They could use this information for whatever means they wanted.

The company should never IMO disclose facts like that to anybody unless it's for professional reasons only, such as a job reference for example.

In the UK the Police have a similar system to what you think employers should do for someone's personal life and that is mainly for Domestic Abuse reasons where you can contact them and see if a potential partner has ever been convicted of a crime for DA or any other applicable crime. That is a vetting type process and a legitimate act of doing so.

Well they certainly went above and beyond to protect their loved one didn't they? Maybe the person you're dating has been burned before. Maybe they are just extra protective. I would be upset with her family and with your employer for disclosing information about you. I mean what if it had been a stalker wanting to find out where you worked? The whole thing is odd. Best wishes.

Yes, they did go out of their way to protect her!

My partner has told me that her last relationship has been rather unpleasant and nasty so I think that could be a reason that this person is making the checks?

You are right, I am upset at my employer and her family (she is refusing to tell me who made the checks - why I do not know.)

You are absolutely right about it could be anyone trying to obtain information and then once it's in the wrong hands it's too late, the damage has been done.

It is strange and disturbing what I'm being subjected to.

It *could* have been dangerous which is why I said it's questionable but it wasn't actually dangerous correct? You can be upset on principle at your employer and the family but what does that leave you with exactly? Are you fearful they are stalking you? Lots of stuff in life has a potential danger....stepping outside your front door for one. I said no harm done because I don't think any real harm has been done other than cause trust issues with your girlfriend and the family which leaves you with a choice. How harmed are you? Is it worth ending the relationship over?

If this happened to me and I cared about the person I'd care more about my partner and her family feeling safe (unless my employer was made to believe I'm sinister in someway) it's all in how you view it and feel about it and it seems you are extremely upset so that calls everything into question.

Example....I go to a makeup counter and Cindy Lu helps me. I like Cindy Lu and a few months later I need some help picking out makeup....I call the counter and say "Does Cindy Lu still work there?" And they say yes. Harmful? Normal? In your situation it's a bit different of course but the end result is the same. They wanted to know if you worked there and you did. It's all in how you look at it.

Maybe they just overreacted to you because she had a really bad relationship before. I wouldn't say anything to my employer about it again.

The only thing that concerns me is this person she won't name was really aggressive and crossed lines, and I'd be afraid that they were capable of doing something upsetting like this or worse in the future.

It's like the father that says, "You hurt my daughter, I'll kill you."

I will say this....if this really offended you the long term outlook for the relationship isn't good. Why? Because the family is likely to put their nose in places it doesn't belong even more as the relationship progresses. It's unlikely to dissipate once you're married. If you want things to work, make sure to know and communicate where your boundaries are.....that way they can decide and tell you if they are comfortable conforming to them. Good luck.

That's what I am thinking is that they overreacted to me because she has been scarred before. But still I don't think it makes it right for them to interrogate me indirectly.

That is what is concerning me, is that if this person is and can do this now with their checks, then just what else are they capable of?

I've met her parents and family etc and on the surface they seem ok. I don't know why she is refusing to name this particular person other than to protect him/her? It just seems dodgy to me.

It is frightening me a bit because I am constantly thinking what else are they doing behind my back that can 'verify' myself to them.

It's very unnerving.

It has offended me and I think my partner knows this. But yet she has this don't care attitude because I've been scarred before and it's my family that care etc and that's why they look out for me is what she would say.

The family have proved what they are capable of and the lengths they are prepared to go so I think anything else is entirely possible from them and that is what scares me.

What exactly are you so scared of?

Unless you plan on beating her up or something, why would you fear what her family could or would do to you?

Yes, they went a bit overboard, but I'm still not understanding why you're busy shytting your pants...

Are your intentions less than honorable?

I am really not scared of anything. I have nothing to hide, but I think because the fact I've never been 'vetted' before is what's making it seem a bit scary to me and the way in which they sneakily confronted my employer.

I'm not a violent person whatsoever and would never ever hurt my partner in any way, physically or emotionally.

I only have good intentions with my partner of course but it's the manner in which they went about trying to find out things about me for verification which annoyed me. I've never given them any reason to doubt who I am or what I do, it's like they don't trust me.