Is it wrong to look up to people

Unless you were officially fired or at least written up, you still have a job. Are you required to communicate with her at all? If not, then just keep your distance and it should be fine.

You might want to schedule in some other activity for your days off. Find somethingvthat gets you around other people. Maybe volunteer to help out at some good organization. The local animal shelter could probably use more help. Find something that you'll get praised for, if you do a good job. You will likely meet people you may admire.

It kind of seems like maybe you are looking for a parental figure. Maybe your own parents aren't providing you with the combination of leadership and affection that you need.

If someone is nice to you, it’d make you feel good. What if that nice person is also accomplished? It’d make u feel EVEN better, right? That’s exactly how I felt. Plenty of people were nice to me, but I looked up to very few of them. Btw, how did u get me so accurately? It seems like you have an unusually good ability to read ppl. I wish I have that gift.

If you mean me, I'm really just applying to you what I figure is true of people in general, including myself. Whatever a person does makes sense to that person.

When the result of what you do is the opposite of what you were hoping for, you have to study the situation.

After studying the situation, I came to realize that those I look up to fits ALL of the following categories.
1. They’re quite a bit older than me and therefore, a lot more experienced. And
2. They’re very accomplished in life. And most of all,
3. They’re nice to me and patient when I don’t really get stuff right away.

The GM before my supervisor was mean, although very beautiful. She teared me apart for every little thing when I was new. She was also quite a bit older and very accomplished, but I stayed the hell away from her. Then one day, she got promoted and my current supervisor replaced her. That was what saved my job. Part of me looking up to her included how grateful I was that she joined.

You give very good reasons for why you feel so positive about certain individuals, like this supervisor. It goes beyond the feeling you have for people who are friends. This is the type of person many would describe as a "mentor," someone who can help a person rise to their potential. It seems early in the relationship she was being a willing mentor to you.

Having someone who could "mentor" you felt good to you, and that is very understandable. Then you became overly "dependent" on the support she seemed to offer. You started focusing on her the way a son or daughter focuses on a parent. You focused on her for direction on job performance and for moral support in general. Just being near her probably gave you an increased sense of security. None of this seems that bad, at first glance. However, it can get to seem babyish. It can get to where the person you see as a mentor starts to feel "used." Her goal in being supportive of you was to see you relying more and more on yourself. Then she coukd feel successful as a "mentor." Instead, you increased how much you relied on her, particularly for emotional support. It seemed like you wanted to have her as a friend or a substitute parental figure. That's not what mentors want to be, usually. A mentor can offer to become a personal friend, but that is up to her you can't assume that. Usually, mentors are not looking to be close friends. It might seem confusing that someone who seems to care so much about you is also wanting to keep a certain distance - to maintain a "professional" relationship. Actually, that is part of their desire to see you grow in "self-reliance."

When you keep overly focusing on the mentor, a good mentor will back away, so you are forced to rely on you. If you keep trying to stay as close as you can, the mentor is really forced to stop being a mentor, to break you of a bad habit. When you fight that, you are betraying the person who meant to help you. Then that person can become frustrated to the point of wanting as little contact with you as possible. This is not a case of "hating" you. This is a case of them putting you "in your place."

You read me so well. That is exactly what happened in and around me, not only with this supervisor, but with everyone I've ever looked up to. My supervisor has other people who look up to her, which I'm not surprised at. I wanted very much to get the same positive reaction from her that these other ppl got. If you don't mind me asking, what is your background? You read me better than even the people IRL.

I'm approaching the age where I'll be too old to admire anyone.

I am retired from working as a nurse.

If you see other people looking up to this supervisor and getting a positive reaction, then ask yourself: What are they doing differently from what you do? I promise you that there is a difference.

Here's a theory I have on you sticking with the behavior you've been sticking with: You feel you want and very much need moral support and positive regard from this supervisor. So you get close to her and wait for the positive reaction. I believe you figure: "I might as well go after what I want. Then, if it is denied to me, I haven't really lost anything. Since I wasn't going to get it anyway." This is where, I think, you are making an error in how you figure this. You may think that this person was going to be distant to you, no matter how you acted, so you think your behavior didn't lose you anything. Like I said, you're thinking is making perfect sense to you.

I want to tell you that you are losing a lot with this behavior . . . more than you realize. Keeping these bad habits because they are what feels natural to you is going to give you a much poorer quality of life. You've ruined what could have been a decent relationship with this supervisor, though maybe not exactly what you wanted. Your thinking that you don't want to settle for less than what you want is going to make your life a lot poorer. Sometimes, in life, we accept half-a-loaf of bread because that's better than no loaf. (It's an old saying.) Right now, you are being given second and third chances because you are young. Responsible people hope that you will outgrow some of this behavior. But you never will, if you don't ever start. You get older everyday. When you're older, people will say, "She's just never going to grow up. Time to cut her lose."

Maybe your Asperger's gets you some special support that you figure will always be there. Like no one will ever expect you to learn fully mature behavior because you have a developmental deficit. That's a wrong calculation. You will end up frozen out of some nice opportunities because people will say "She's too low functioning." (or he . . . I don't know your gender.) Then it will be too late to do the work of growing up that you need to start now.

I am a chick and as females, we tend to express more feelings than our male counterparts. And I wanna let u know you are absolutely right. I worked yesterday and my supervisor didn’t hate me. It turned out she reacted negatively before to put me in my place. She wasn’t even angry or holding grudges when I worked yesterday and acted like nothing bad happened. And she treated me like other ppl. It’s all good now.

The only time I’ll ever go there on my days off is the day they’re serving a new sandwich. It’s only gonna be sold for that one day. Otherwise, I plan to not distract others with my presence on my off time. Cuz that’s what the DM said, it’s distracting.

When I wanted what I wanted, I find it hard to tell when I gone too far. It applies to other situations too not just when I look up to ppl. Like when I get angry, I don’t always know when I exploded too intensely or too frequently or too excessively. When I hang out with others, I don’t always notice when I’m having too much fun and doing too much stupid things with them. They got in trouble too, but only when they’re with me. I go from one extreme to the other instead of happy medium like normal people.

This is hard.

I'm glad that you've resolved to not go to the worksite so often on your days off. Also I'm very glad that relations with your supervisor seem to be normalizing. It seems that this supervisor is indeed a person well worth admiring. You are lucky to be on a job with a supervisor of such maturity and good judgement. Use this as a learning experience, as I think you are starting to do.

All of us grew up depending on feedback from others to know when our behavior is out of line. That doesn't mean we should always conform to how others think we should act. Some people are bad influences. But I think you do have some good judgement about that already. I see that in who you picked to admire. Sounds like it was a good pick. I think you can trust the feedback from this supervisor to steer you in the right direction.

Changing habitual behavior is very hard. Ask any smoker who wants to quit smoking. But it's worth doing because, without self-control, you will get nowhere in life and you will be disliked by a lot of people.

I'm glad it's all good now at the job. Work on noticing when your behavior is excessive and using more self-control. This is a process of personal growth. You will be the winner, if you cultivate better habits and grow in maturity.

I see there are a ton of videos on Youtube explaining issues with Asperger's. Many are created by Aspies, themselves. Check them out. You will see Aspies role-modeling appropriate, effective behavior. Managing your condition is more worth the effort than you have been realizing. It can lead to you having a better life.

My counselor and caseworker both said that even family members don't stalk each other like I stalked my supervisor. They told me even family members would not tolerate it very well. When I said I go in on my days off to see my supervisor, I meant on a weekly basis, even 2 or 3 times weekly. Then I would stay for a long time. I would also stay for hours after my shift ended until she also got off. I'll also never forget the time my supervisor was having a talk with the DM and I moved from my table to a table near theirs, which made them uncomfortable.

I found out today that my supervisor had already gave my caseworker's number to coroporate office. And complained to them, all while still mad at me. The past Monday, while I was working, corporate office called my caseworker saying they're letting me go. I found that out today. They decided to do this to me instead of having my supervisor do this.

Why was she nice to me on Monday when she already knew what happened? All I know is on Monday, she stopped being mad at me. And also, I was supposed to get off at 5. She extended my shift til 8. The DM said I can return to the store as a customer after at least 90 days. Right now, I'm not rehirable, but anytime after 90 days, they'll consider my application if it comes in. She said that doesn't mean they'll rehire me, but they'll consider it depending. Wow. Was my supervisor that afraid of me. Would YOU have been afraid if someone behaved nthat way towards you (constantly trying to be around you)?

That said, things are still going fine at my other job (retail). It's the same supervisor as it was the first time I worked there. I used to look up to her too and she found it intrusive, so she told me to quit. Now I have no interest or feelings for her at all, which is why things are good. I'm almost 5 years there and it woulda been 6 years if I hadn't left that company for a year.

She let me back bc
1. I didn't stalk her as bad as I did my fast food supervisor. I didn't have a car back then and couldn't always get a ride there on my days off. And she MADE me leave after my shift even though many times, I wanted to stay.
2. After I left, I didn't contact her at all so she didn't feel stalked.

That said, I don't feel like blaming anyone. Before, I woulda thought they were horrible people for not understanding that I look up to her. They told me it had nothing to do w/ looking up to her. They don't like that I follow her constantly. But I refuse to paint myself as a victim and other people as horrible people. That has done me no good. I was wrong. They weren't.

Maybe now you can see that your intention is not what counts. It's the behavior. When you are directed to stop a certain behavior and you persist, it becomes a power struggle. You were testing them. You were testing if you could get away with persisting at the intrusive behavior that did not seem wrong to you. At a worksite, you will not be allowed to judge what is wrong or right. I had to learn this, myself. I got fired from a job for insisting on something that I thought was right. It is painful. Like you, I thought they over-reacted. I might know more how you feel that you think I would.

I'm glad you have the other job. Make this a learning experience for yourself. The world will not adjust to me or to you. We have to adjust to the world around us. We have to change.

The ability to change your behavior is one of the biggest things needed for success in life. Persisting in unwanted behavior is something that little kids do when they are bratty. No workplace can just let that go on. If they did, pretty soon lots of workers would be doing all kinds of annoying things. You wouldn't like it either.

No more stalking, Ruby. You have emotional needs, but that was the wrong way to meet them. Finding the right way will be hard. It is for all of us. But that is what becoming a responsible adult is all about.

Suppose some guy working at the fast food place thought you were cute and liked you and wanted to be close to you and started to really stalk you. You would have a right to complain to the management at the job. And they would have an obligation to protect you from that guy's behavior. Some employers are being sued for a lot of money for failing to protect their female employees from male coworkers who thought they had rights to come on to any female they admired. It's on the news every night. That might seem like a different matter to you, but it's not. Everyone, including me and you and your supervisor has a right to go to work and not be made the object of unwanted attention. No one enjoys being stalked, no matter how much the stalker says they "like" the person they are stalking. Employers have a duty to discourage that kind of behavior and, even, absolutely forbid it. People don't get away with it as much as they used to. It starts with an employee getting followed around. Next, the employee is being cornered. Next, the employee is being made to listen to talk they shouldn't have to listen to. Next, they are being touched and grabbed. When I was your age (a long time ago,) it was common for male workers to bother female workers. They thought women should be flattered and like it. The world is changing and that's not accepted anymore. You have to respect a person's right to not be bothered, as you also have a right to be free from someone pestering you. So that's why employers take complaints of intrusiveness very seriously. They are afraid of this behavior because of how it tends to escalate and lead to worse things.

Think it all over and be glad of what you can learn from this whole experience. It will make you a better person. I lost jobs for reasons that did not seem fair to me at the time. I had to think it over long and hard to see where I brought the job loss on myself. It's painful. It's all part of growing up, which we keep doing as long as we live, not just when we are kids. There is the expression "growing pains." For some reason, pain is part of growing. Don't ask me why. IDK

Take care, Ruby. You will be okay.

Why was my supervisor nice to me on Monday when she already knew what corporate people did with me? And how come she extended my shift? I went in today for my schedule and she said hi to me and said it's the same as what I worked this week. When I asked if I could come in for the new sandwich on Saturday, she said absolutely. Just come early bc they'll run out quick.

I'm not sure she already knew what corporate people had decided to do. Maybe she knew only that they were going to do something and didn't know exactly what. She knew that you didn't seem to take redirection very easily. So they probably assured her they would take firmer measures, but maybe she didn't know what that would entail. Management often doesn't inform every supervisor of every decision before they carry it out.

At any rate, she probably did know that something was going to happen to you . . . and she probably felt relieved. That probably made her more comfortable around you. She might have wanted to demonstrate that she is not your enemy. Like everyone has been telling you on this thread: it's not you . .. it's the intrusive behavior.

Maybe she did know exactly what was going to happen to you. Maybe she was getting a kick out of acting like everything was normal, while knowing you were about to get the boot. Maybe she was snickering at you on the inside, while putting on a nice, phoney front.

Here's another possibility. This is what I really believe. I think she was being a true "professional." She was behaving courteous and nice to you because that is how supervisors are supposed to treat employees. She was not going to let how she acted toward you be affected by her personal feelings toward you. A "professional" does not do that. Figuring out how to discipline you and end your intrusive behavior was not her job. She turned that over to her bosses higher up. They probably assured her they would handle it. So she relaxed and got on with just doing her job. She has enough to think about because being a supervisor in any worksite is harder than it looks. She doesn't want to have to fight with other employees. So she turned over the problem to those in higher position. Then she resumed acting toward you the way she really wanted to act - the way she acted right from the beginning. If she knew you were being fired, then she didn't have to worry that her being nice would encourage you to start being intrusive again. Because you were going to be stopped.

If you go in their, as a customer, in six months, I bet she will be quite nice to you. She does not want this to be "personal' between you and her. You had behavior that was unacceptable on a jobsite. You were a problem to her. Now she doesn't have to deal with the problem. She might even believe that you didn't fully understand that you had to change. She might even think that maybe you couldn't change. She might not even be judging you at all. Management did what had to be done according to their best judgement. A bad situation had to be stopped. You couldn't seem to stop it, so they stopped it - for the protection of all concerned - including you.

Employers get tax benefits for giving employment to persons with certain disabilities. The fast food chain that you worked for probably is getting that benefit for hiring people like yourself. Across the country, they may have hundreds of employees with one kind of disability, or another. They know that not all these employees are going to adapt to the demands of the job. You didn't. And others didn't at other job sites that you know nothing about. This is not a brand new problem for them. They've been through this before. That's why they spoke to your case manager. They have a series of steps they follow to see if a troubled employee can be kept on. It costs them money to go through all that. (That's why the government gives them a special tax refund.) Employers do this for workers with all kinds of problems - Asperger's, Alcoholism, Spinal cord injury, traumatic brain injury, stress due to domestic violence. Some employees adapt and do just fine and, even, some do absolutely super. Some employees aren't able to meet the expectations of the job. You were one of the ones who didn't. You weren't the only one. They don't hate you. When they hired you, they knew there was a possibility it wouldn't work out. They hope you'll have better luck with your other job and other future jobs. They really do hope that for you. The management and that supervisor have no reason not to be nice to you, when you go there to eat after 90 days. Test that out and see.

Do not go back before the 90 day waiting period. If you do, they will quite possibly call the police. That is because you have to accept when people in authority put a limit on your behavior. There are even laws on the books saying you have to comply with a limitation like this waiting period. That is for the protection of everyone, including you.

Sorry this was so long and probably boring. Think it all over. If you do, something good will happen to you in the future. Failure is not the same as total defeat. Failures are just steps in the process of finding where we can be successful. Good luck to you. I think you can get something positive out if all this . . . because I think you are too smart not to.

Having Aspergers is a challenge & social skills is a HUGE part of the challenge along with problems communicating. With it being a spectrum condition, the range of how much of a challenge these things are individually, varies with each person.

Having Aspergers isn't an excuse for not learning proper behavior but it is the reason why you have to work harder to grasp the concepts & change the socially unacceptable behaviors you are struggling with.

I hope your case worker helps work with you on the issues of your behavior that have caused you problems here & works with you to help you gain a deeper understanding & awareness.

I was married to a guy with undiagnosed Aspergers for 33 years & every time I asked him why he did a behavior that was unacceptable, his answer was always "I don't know". Like you, he was totally unaware that his behaviors were not acceptable to everyone around him......but it doesn't matter whether intentions are good or bad, behavior that is unacceptable to others is unacceptable & needs to be changed.

I do understand how hard that is because most times when I tried to explain it to him he would look at me as if I were speaking in a foreign language no matter how many different ways I tried to explain it to him because his mind doesn't work like others & when a thought was in there, it was almost impossible to get through a different concept about what was wrong with his way of thinking.

In reading your thread, I can see how this is also happening with you.

You just don't understand why people react negatively to your behavior that to them is very obnoxious when you don't see yourself as acting that way. The thing is that non-asperger minds think hey, every time I act this way it makes people get irritated with me, I NEED TO CHANGE, rather than say just people don't me "looking up to them" & thinking that is all there is to it.

If we want to be totally honest about "looking up to someone", your behavior is inappropriate. When we admire someone we admire from a distance. We soak up learning from them ONLY when it is NORMAL to be around them & we don't force extra time to be around them.

Have you ever filled a glass full of water to the point where it's rounded over the top of the glass & one more drop of water makes the water in the glass overflow? Well people have a certain level of tolerance for obnoxious behavior like the glass filling with water....but after their tolerance level reaches the FULL point, they no longer have the willingness to tolerate any more & they OVERFLOW & get mad & end the relationship because they feel it is the only way to stop having to deal with your unacceptable behavior because YOU just haven't understood what they have tried to tell you, that its your behavior that is the problem & you NEED TO STOP. That last time pushed them into overflow like the last drop of water that causes the glass of water to overflow.

You may hear what they have been telling you but you don't comprehend (understand) what they are telling you & they get frustrated & angry because they feel that you haven't been listening & understanding them & then want nothing more to do with you.

I am sure your supervisor was nice because she does like you...it's YOUR BEHAVIOR she didn't like & knew she was no longer going to have to tolerate it. I am sure she hopes you will learn & GROW from this experience & maybe in the future will have gained skills that will make you more FUNCTIONAL in the work place.

My ex-H was a very nice person, his behaviors made him a horrible husband....that didn't mean he wasn't a nice person. Sometimes we just get to a place where we can no longer tolerate behaviors when there is an inability or REFUSAL to change.

I truly hope your caseworker & hopefully therapist can help you understand what REALLY happened with your job situation, not what you THINK HAPPENED & can teach you better skills & what is SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR so you can practice & learn how to better work in an environment you are capable of handling

I have strong feelings towards whoever I admire. That’s why I go out of my way to be around them all the time.

Ruby, we heard that the last three times you explained that. That's where we started on this thread. We've talked about a lot here. Have we gotten anywhere? Are any of us getting through to you? Are you starting to understand that your strong feelings are not the only thing that matters?

Are you hearing any of what we're saying?

Other people have feelings too. People have had "strong feelings" that they don't like you doing what you've been doing. Does that count for anything with you? Or are your feelings the only feelings you care about?

You chose to get out of your way to be around them all the time.
That is very excessive. You used the word ‘all the time’. That is excessive. Please try to understand that.
May I please point something out? Why do you insist on repeating the same trend? You keep on saying that people you ‘look up to’ (which may not be the most suitable wording in your situation) eventually pull away from you.
Do you see how clear the message is here? If you keep on acting the same way, the result will most likely be the same. Especially in interpersonal relationships.
You are not doing anyone a favor by looking up to them. You are making it sound like they are so privileged. They are not. No one is.
I look up to Mother Theresa and the teenager in next town looks up to his gang member brothers. They are merely personal choices and shouldn’t be given much importance.
I know a lot of people, including myself, who can care less if someone looks up to him/her or not.
I am suffering from chronic major depression and anxiety and I know how difficult it is to work much harder to keep my self in check. So that my relationships aren’t impacted and that my condition isnt a burden on others.
No one has to deal with my problems. I have to keep my condition in check. I almost lost a job because of it. So, we all, in this group, understand how difficult it is to navigate life with a mental health condition but we have to try and make it work. So do you.

Because she had already complained about you and she knew that you were on your way out (meaning, the corporate office was going to let you go) therefore she was relieved knowing that you were going to be gone from the work soon.

Sorry you got fired but that was to be expected. You should learn from this experience. It doesn't matter why you are doing it but you need to stop

It seems to me that you are adament about defending your behavior by basically saying "Well I am only doing this because I admire her so much, and this is just how I am when I admire someone."

What you need to realize is that healthy admiration is not and should not be expressed to the person being admired by doing what you were doing.

There is some room to show how you feel about someone in the way you want, but for the most part people abide by a sort of unspoken set of rules that perserve respect between people.

You need to understand what you are actually SUPPOSED to do when you admire someone, not just what you feel like doing because you admire them.
When you admire someone at work, you respect them and perhaps aspire to be like them. They can be a role model of where you want to be in the future, or you just hold them to a high esteem. You respect their rights to privacy and personal space, and they respect yours.
But you show admiration subtley, and you feel it subtley. It is not supposed to be something that significantly changes how you act.

The feelings and actions you describe go far over and beyond actual admiration.

Your feelings and behaviors towards her were obsessive.

People tend to confuse obsession, because obsession doesn't begin as such. it begins as a normal thing like admiration, or friendship, or love. But if your feelings and behaviors begin to revolve around that person too much, then it is no longer just admiration or friendship - it becomes obsessive. That is why your behavior seemed stalkerish, because your admiration was turning obsessive, or you were expressing yourself with behaviors that represent obsession, not admiration.

You may want to learn how you are supposed to behave when you admire someone, because the way you behaved is the way a person acts when they are obsessed/infatuated with someone, not admiring.

Respect is the most important part of relationships and communication. Upholding respect for the people around you comes first. There is a problem if you act out from your feelings in a way that breaks that respect and violates someones personal space, privacy, and rights.

I am assuming it is harder for you to read social cues? If so you are not always going to know you are doing things while talking to someone that they really don't like. Even social pros accidently say things that make the other person uncomfortable, but because they can read those cues, they adjust what they say to that person accordingly. If you can't see those cues, you will just keep on instead of adjusting your behavior because you never realized it conflicted with that persons comfort zone. So all you can really do is have a basic set of rules for your social conduct.

You should start by putting "never sit at work all day waiting for that one coworker to get off work" on that list.

Then add "Don't go out of your way into work several times a week on your days off to see that one coworker while they are working".

To asnwer your question, there is nothing wrong with looking up to people. How you show it though, can be wrong, and in this case it was.

Ruby, I am sorry you got fired. As others have stated, let this be a learning and growth experience for you. And as you've stated, you're doing fine in your other job now, which is great, although you did admit to stalking your supervisor there previously.

I think many here have provided excellent feedback for you to listen to and learn from.

The lesson is if in your next part-time position, you find yourself having strong feelings again and wanting to look up to someone, don't follow the same pattern of behavior that has gotten you into trouble twice now.

I sympathize with your struggles since Aspergers is not easy to manage and social skills must be learned, but you can learn from this and if you read everyone's comments again, we're all saying the same things. (((((hugs))))))

Yes you guys have gotten through to me. I just wanted to know how to manage my strong feelings as they arrive so I never make the same mistake again.

What happened was after the DM told me not to go in on my days off, I went in 3 times on my off days to
1. Request my supervisor to remember my birthday just like she did with that other girl. That’s when she asked for my caseworker’s number to give to corporate.
2. The next two times was to “reason” with her that I was only looking up to her. I even texted her as much after I couldn’t convince her.
I’m moving forward. And whether I lost my job or not, I woulda learned my lesson bc now I know that even family members don’t obsess over each other that way. My caseworker and counselor told me as much. Starting therapy regularly to work on this strong feelings.