Is it wrong to look up to people

I’m not gonna justify my behavior as I don’t plan on ever doing them again. I was just trying to figure out why I acted the way I did.

Anyhow, I’m gonna be too old to look up to anyone in a few years.

I have people I admire even at my age 64....but everyone INCLUDING YOU, needs to learn appropriate social skill with anyone you are around whether you admire them, "look up" to them, or dislike them. Your problem isnt looking up to or admiring people....ITS YOUR LACK OF CONTROL & your LACK OF SOCIAL SKILLS of knowing & doing what is right.

You have wired your mind to think that its your LOOKING UP to someone that is the problem BUT IN REALITY IT IS YOUR BEHAVIOR that is the problem.

It is NORMAL for people to admire others, it is NORMAL to have feelings.....what IS NOT NORMAL is the way you behave around those people.

It is YOUR BEHAVIOR, NOT YOUR FEELINGS that is the problem. I know social skills are VERY DIFFICULT for ASD people (depending on where you lie on the soectrum) to learn how to behave in a socially acceptable way & it does take WORK to learn but you camt blow off your counselor the way you blew off your parents. You are capable of learning right from wrong but you also have to want to. Avoiding situations doesnt TEACH hou anything. Experiencing feelings & LEARNING APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR to express those feelings is important for your future because feelings are NOT something that can be avoidex but MUST BE LEARNED how to appropriately express them. Avoiding will teach you nothing. Learning & experiencing will gain you a much more enjoyable life.

Now that I think about it, I wish she at least said goodbye. Like “it’s been nice working with you.” Maybe she really wanted to but had to pretend everything was normal. She was sad to see a few other people go, but seemed happy that I’m gone.

My supervisor at my current job, though she also felt like I bothered her, said goodbye when she asked me to quit. She let me return, but my fast food job won’t. Maybe it’s bc I didn’t bother her as much as I did my fast food supervisor. I didn’t have a car back then and couldn’t always get a ride there on my days off.

When I asked you where you got the idea about ‘looking up to’ someone, I sincerely am asking. Where did you first get this idea? Did someone teach it to you, llke your parent? How did this idea form in you?

I first got this idea in elementary school. A classmate looked up to a girl in middle school and cited everything good about her. That's how I knew about admiring anyone. However, I didn't feel it until I graduated high school. I was making my way in the real world and needed a role model who is older and more experienced. I had plenty of friends, even though they all turned out to be fair weather friends. However, I never had anyone I could look up to.

Could you be trying to cling to someone you look up to, because you didn’t have parents you looked up to? Were they bad role models?

They weren’t bad role models. I just tend to look up to those who went down the path I wanna go. My parents work in health care. I wanted to go into management at the store level and eventually corporate.

It seems to me that what you are calling "looking up to" people is more that you obsess over people and it seems to be something you have done many times, from your description. The way that you describe that "everyone I've looked up to.." Everyone has people they admire and look up to but it's not something that happens as often as it seem to happen with you.

Just from your description it seems like you may have a pattern of not just looking up to some people but really clinging and hanging onto them in a more needy way than just admiring and respecting them. The idea that people have not just once said to you that you don't leave them alone speaks volumes.

if this is a work place I can see that there are a few problems here. First,

Sounds like a pretty typical reaction here, to be honest. Many if not a majority of people tend to keep their relationships with coworkers as such... a working relationship. your going to see her on days off just seems, in hers and indeed probably many people's minds, quite intrusive.

Second,

Again, very intrusive and presumptuous in the sense that this is unwelcome behavior by you in her book. You're imposing your presence on someone that does not want that. Looking up to someone does not mean that you cling to them and need to be with them every moment possible.

To be honest it's not acceptable by very many people. Establishing a friendship with someone first and then spending more time with them is the typical way to do this and it sounds like you do not have that rapport yet, but only have a working relationship. If that is the case forcing your presence on someone is highly unacceptable and irregular.

just because someone looks up to you does not obligate you to accept them. Because you admire and look up to them, does not mean you automatically are in a friendship or relationship either.

just based on your short post, I can say it seems to me that you feeling the way you do or how you put it, "look up to people" doesn't happen as rarely as you seem to think.

Should they be flattered? There is no set rule as to what is flattering to someone and they aren't obligated to feel good about the fact that you admire them. They should respect it, and accept it but that does not mean they have to accept your intrusive behavior.

Okay, I've been reading through the entire thread and I finally have to say something. Your problems at your job are not because you look up to someone. They are because you stalked someone. STALKED. Showing up to work when you know she's scheduled, staying late because she's working late, moving close so you can eavesdrop on her conversations...that's not intrusive, it's STALKING.

It's totally fine to look up to someone, and yes, it's flattering for someone to look up to you. In fact, it's absolutely acceptable to tell someone you really admire their accomplishments, yada yada yada. But to then stalk them because you "look up to them" is unacceptable.

You don't have problems at your retail job not because you don't look up to anyone there, but because you aren't stalking anyone there. Do you understand that the problems come from you behaving poorly and in a predatory fashion? You will not grow or learn from this until you accept that and stop masking it in "looking up to" and acknowledge that what you did was both intrusive and predatory.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, I just want you to understand the severity of what you were doing, which you don't seem to do. Getting written up by the district manager was not because you admired your supervisor, it's because you stalked her and behaved inappropriately. And also, a side note, your supervisor is going to talk about her employees to her supervisor, the district manager, so there's no sense in being angry about that. That's part of their job.

I hope you are able to put your perspective into reality and not just what you want it to be. I think you will continue to have this problem until you recognize that stalking behavior is inappropriate at best. That or you will lose your job or get in trouble with the law because of it.

Seesaw

She's having others communicate with you for two reasons:

1. She's protecting herself. It's possible HR told her to limit all interactions with you. So she has others give you directions or assignments.

2. From a personal safety perspective, she's probably trying to minimize any encouragement of your behavior by not interacting with you. You were stalking her. She is trying to protect herself.

All the consequences you are seeing are from your own behavior. You're blaming it on her being mean. She's not being mean. She's most likely following directions from HR and her boss about how to deal with your inappropriate behavior, and she's also protecting herself from a situation that could potentially become even more aggressive if she doesn't give you the attention you seek.

Seesaw

Just want to add that having read all the comments and your posts, Ruby, that I actually admire you. It's hard to hear what people are telling you, and your thinking does bounce back and forth but I think it's commendable that you are finally trying to learn from this situation.

You got fired because you were told not to come in on days off and you did anyways...it doesn't matter the reason. You could easily have had those conversations with the district manager on days you were working or by calling his/her office. So I hope you recognize that and realize that in the future you need to obey the rules regardless of whether or not you agree with them or feel you have a reason to break them.

Keep asking these questions of yourself and challenging your thinking. It will be important to develop coping skills so that you can identify certain behaviors before they get out of hand and redirect yourself. I don't have Asbergers, but I have PTSD and my anxiety and flashbacks cause me sometimes to "misbehave" and I've had to learn to identify when I'm doing something out of the overwhelming anxiety and stress and survival mode reaction and how to redirect my thought process.

I think it's commendable and ADMIRABLE that YOU are seeking help. I think that has been overlooked here that maybe you didn't know what was wrong with your behavior but at least you want to understand.

Keep doing a good job at your retail job, and try to recognize when your feelings get so strong that they make you want to break rules.

Good luck,
Seesaw

you GOT IT!!!! Your fast food supervisor probably was so relieved that she was over & done with the stress you were causing her that she felt like saying goodbye or being nice in any way toward you would just encourage your unacceptable behavior. Definitely NOT something she would want to do.

Just because you explain away your unacceptable behavior to someone doesnt mean they are willing ti accept your reasoning or your behavior. You seriously need to learn to understand what people are telling you & do what THEY SAY, not what you want.

Honestly yoyr parents didnt do you any favors by just letting you do what you wanted when they told you what behavior was appropriate. By doing that they didnt teach you to respect authority & they & you have messed you up so that you NOW have to learn what you should have learned as a child.

Your stalking behavior is IRRITATING to others but what is most irritating to them is most probably thay your behavior is very childish in that when a supervisor tells you to do sonething you are showing absoluteky NO RESPECT when you continue to do as you like. By your age, people dont expect to have those kinds of problems with the people working for them no matter what it is related to & that is just as annoying as being stalked by someone who doesnt even get that is what their behavior is doing even after being told.. patience wears a lit thinner with your behaviors the older & more adult your age is.....more is expected out of you whether you have ASD of not.

When you are in the working world you are expected to act like a professional, NOT A CHILD who does whatever they want because they have justified it in their own mind.

I really didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong at that time. I did those behaviors for several months, but it was in the last 2 weeks that she got mad about it. Before she ever got mad about it, a coworker already saw what was happening. That coworker even pointed out in a not so nice way that I was bothering my supervisor. I then went to my supervisor about it and worded what my coworker said. My supervisor went, “You’re not bothering me. What she said is not nice.” However, my supervisor did say it looks like I always wanted to say something to her whenever I came in on my days off.

Was it possible that she was just bearing it before she flipped?

Another time, my shift ended and a classmate texted me to meet her on campus. After I finished meeting with him, I returned to my workplace and stayed there til my supervisor got off. Another coworker asked why I came back, to which I couldn’t answer. My supervisor told me to go home shortly before she also clocked out. She asked me why I didn’t go home but hung around there instead. I said bc I was cold.

My car was parked next to hers, so as she left, I walked out with her. I must point out that I often walk out with her when we leave the store together. Most of those times, my shift has ended hours ago but I waited for her to get off.

The trigger point that got her mad was when I listened in on her conversation with the district manager. Then she brought up not only that incident, but also all the time I always came to see her on my days off. She hadn’t been mad about that before, but maybe she was just bearing it until she couldn’t anymore.

Now I know I’m wrong, but I didn’t used to.

Everyone makes mistakes. Just learn and grow from it.

Seesaw

The thing is you did know it was wrong, you've been told before and most likely she was telling you to go home and you refused to listen until she got mad and told legal steps of informing the higher ups and you were fired. Had you listened when people were asking you why you returned( verbal cues that your behavior was abnormal) when she told you to leave( not looking up to her but not listening to her words) you had been given cues and words to shape up but you refused to listen.

What were you hoping for from these people you’ve looked up to? Mentorship? Friendship? It seems like you feel drawn to them like a magnet, like you want to physically cling to them.

Why would you hang around on your time off, just to walk her to her car? I’d be really disturbed by that thinking you are a stalker who may attack me. I’d get you fired over that.

If you say you are hoping to climb the corporate ladder, you have much to learn. People skills don’t come easy to many.

You will be fired from job after job, if you don’t stop stalking people at work.

Your supervisor knew you have ASD I am assuming? She was probably TOLERATING yoyr behavior in hopes you would get over it....but when you didnt, was probably whan she had enough.

I managed to tolerate the bad behavior of my ex for way too long before I finally had enoygh too. It was after that I realized all his behaviors fit ASD also.

Sometimes it takes awhile for annoying behaviors to build up our annoyance also....anniyance builds up with time. If people woyld just express it immediately until wauting till they blow up it would be better but not a human way to react. Most people try hard to give the benefit of the doubt until they hit their snapping point

Just a quick question. Whenever I went in on my days off, my supervisor smiled and said hi to me most of those times. Was she simply just enduring that behavior while hiding her annoyance? Just wondering.

She was being professional and most likely hoping you would act in a professional manner as well.

Did you come in there as a customer and buy something? If so, that’s when a supervisor would be welcoming. But, if it was obvious you were just coming in to be there for no purpose, a supervisor would ask you why you were there and eventually tell you hanging out there is inappropriate.

Your walking her to her car would be really uncomfortable and concerning to me. As I said, I would be worried you would be trying to get me alone to hurt me.

At the beginning of your coming in on your days off your supervisor was always professional & smilled because she probably didnt realuze at the beginning what your behavior was gping to end up being like. She probably thought you were just going through a childinh phase that would go away without creating a problem.

BUT you didnt stop & your behavior got progressivle worse even after you were told not to come in on your days off. With time it became obvious this was a problem that wasnt goin to just go away & yoyr behavior was getting worse not better which in reality YOU MADE THEM take the action they did because it was the ONLY WAY to STOP your unacceptable ANNOYING behavior since sadly with your Aspergers you havent lesrned to understsnd what people are telling yiu until you end up forcing them to actuslly get in your face & SPELL OUT they are not willing to tolerate yoyr behavior any more & they have to FORCE the issue & ENFORCE restrictions on you that if you had gotten it & listened woyldnt have been necessary.

Just because you have ASD doesnt mean tou cant learn to puck up when people are telling you to STOP doing something but yiu have to work harder than most to learn how to do this because it doesnt come naturally with how yoyr mind works but that IS NO EXCUSE for not learning what you have to do to work around your limitations to FUNCTION in the normal world.

If you ever want to succeed in becoming a supervisor/manager/or corporate management you are going to need to learn these skills because dealubg with people there will be NO TOLERANCE for behaviors like this...which has more to do with your lacking skills that caused this problem which was not getting what oeople told you was a problem & stoppibg the behavior. If you had that foundational skill, you would have STOPPED your anniying behavior before it became a problem that others see as stalking.

1. I wish she said goodbye during my very last shift with her. I wish she told me how nice it was to work with me. She did that with other people who left.
2. I wonder if she misses me. A coworker left for college and another job. My supervisor said that she’s gonna have a withdrawal from not seeing her. Obviously, she misses her and was sad to see her go.
3. I hope that if she sees me again, she’ll be really happy to see me. She’ll say hi and ask me how i’ve been. She did that with yet another coworker who left the company and entered the store 6 months later as a customer.

You need to try to let that go. You were fired for stalking her. You still don’t understand that you can’t ask any kind of special things from her like her missing you or being happy seeing you. I suspect she’d be professional when she sees you but you are being unrealistic. She can’t possibly miss being stalked, so please keep working with a therapist on these issues

Here's a reality check:

1. You were stalking her. So it probably wasn't nice to work with you. And regardless of what she said to others when they left, she's idea no obligation to say it to you. You are not allowed to control her actions or feelings. Again, this is creepy stalker behavior.

2. I assure you she does not miss you. You made her uncomfortable and possibly even frightened her with tour stalking. She does not miss that.

3. She's not going to be happy to see you. You were a problem for her. She may be polite and professional, but she's not going to be happy you've come back, because she will again be worried that you are obsessing or stalking her. Frankly, you have no reason to go to that store again. If you go just to see how she reacts, then you're again stalking her. You should never go to that store again I'm surprised they gave you a 90 day limit at all. They did this to set a precedent for calling the police the next time you begin this behavior, not to.test you, but to protect her.

You're still not.getting it. People wish farewell and miss and are happy to see people that they enjoyed working with and built strong working friendships with. She did not have that with you. You were stalking her, upsetting her, doing inappropriate and scary behavior that quite possibly made her fear for her own safety. You were let go because you were harassing her with your stalking behavior. You were not friends with her. She does not like you. She is nice to you because she is a professional.

I hope this clears it up for you.

Seesaw

She probably didnt say goodbye because she didnt want to encourage you to think things were ok.

You left on BAD TERMS because of YOUR BAD BEHAVIOR.

Why in the world would you expect anyone to miss you when you are equated to the BAD behavior that was grounds enough to FIRE you for?

I would be breathing a sigh of relief not to have to be dealing with that any longer & honestly if it were me & you did come back in the future I would KEEP MY DISTANCE from you & not treat you any differently than any other customer who comes into the store for fear of stiring up your bad behavior all over again. For just the reason that you cant ket your thoughts of her go. When someone is like that people stay away because they dont want to deal with or encourage the behaviors that come with a closer interface.

Sadly your behaviors like this keep people at a distance & you cant expect them to react differently until you act differently. There are some behaviors that even the excuse of having ASD dont justify & your counsellor needs to seriously work with you on these issues.

You need to close your mind to her. Take away from this situation that YOU CAUSED the problem & unless YOU FIX IT in the future with your therapist you will continue to have problems like this in the future & continue to turn people away from you.

LET IT GO. LET HER GO. If it were me, I would never go back in that store again. Some things in life are best left in the past & NEVER revisited.