Emotional blackmail and desperately need help

Hy

I've been together with my love partner for 2 yrs now. We've been both living in different countries so this relationship even though it was tough,it was still going very well. Before he ended up in a hospital in December last yr and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder & DP we were madly in love & closer than ever. After all that happened, as you might imagine...he has changed.
For 1st 5 months this yr he would barely talk to me. Couple of times he even tried to break up with me. Over those 5 months,all that stress broke me,mentally,emotionally and physically(including healthwise) completely....to a point that I almost ended up in hospital several times.

Then one day,after a huge fight,he was back to himself and more or less(after some switches that lasted for only throughout the night) he stayed that way...it seemed like everything was doing ok. We were slowly starting to plan on seeing each other next yr...there was no pressure involved,I know I can't do that to him,and he reaction to was great.

But few weeks ago, he's been going through training periods, he said that they were becoming more and more intense(somekind of stress training),and then on Saturday,he switched back to that awful person. I didn't even know because he wasn't online over weekend,only on Monday I found out about it...he had hypomania.I started to fear that this is just a beginning and now...after this weekend...he hasn't switched back :'(
What's even worse,since day one(which is 4 days now),he's been asking that we break up. On top of that, after he saw that I wasn't budging, he's been blackmailing me that if I don't accept him as just a friend,he'll remove me from his life completely. I honestly don't know what to do :'(
I've tried to stand my ground, I've tried to reason with him,I tried to fight him...nothing worked! The only thing that I haven't tried is cry and blackmail myself,but I doubt it'll work because that side actually enjoys to see someone suffer,I think it feeds that behavior, and also I couldn't do something like that to anyone

At this moment I'm panicking and worried that if I call his bluff & he goes through with his intent,I'll definitely never see or hear from him again! :'(
I don't know how to stop his erratic behavior and stop his intent
I don't want to loose him! We've been together and went through so much already..and I know that when he switches back and sees all the damage that horrible side did...he'll never forgive himself :'( ...I need to stop this ASAP...but I don't know how,I don't know what to say/do
Please,I'm in desperate need of your help :'(

Question for you: Why do you want to stay in a relationship that is hot and cold, emotionally unstable and that switches from good to awful? IF he is asking to break up, and is blackmailing you, why don't you give him what he wants and break up?

Emotional blackmail and threats like that are a form of emotional abuse. Do you really want to keep experiencing this? Seems to me like you're holding onto the good parts of the relationship without REALLY looking at how the bad parts are effecting your own mental health. If you've almost ended up in the hospital several times, this is NOT a healthy relationship for you. You've got to get honest with yourself here and see things for as they are.

I don't mean to sound harsh, just being upfront. This is not stable. ((((Hugs)))))

I don't think you understand. He has switches of personality...this "person" with whom I'm dealing now,isn't the real him. He's still same,wonderful,amazing man when he's himself. He literally told me that when that a**hole(pardon my language) is on,he has no memory of it...of the days or anything. It's severe bipolar case here
If I would allow that horrible side to get what he wants then he'd never forgive himself when the real him would switch back.
He told me that himself when he was still him...that I should never allow that other side to win,that I should never allow that horrible side to destroy our love...because he loves me,more than anything in this world.
This is hypomania what's talking,it's not the real him. :/
Do you know what his so called reasons are for wanting to break up?
Because to him there's no difference between lover and friend so...and I quote...why bother. He keeps saying how he loves me and cares for me and yet doesn't want to be with me...he keeps contradicting himself,his own words.
Does that sounds like sane person to you??

And no...I don't want to leave him,I love him...more than anything. He's my life partner and soulmate. I wouldn't go through all this trouble,and ask for help here. You don't leave someone just because at this moment you're going through something bad...that's not love.

Tell him that will be fine and to please let you know either if or whenever he might change his mind.

He sounds like he is manipulating and playing you. He can abuse you when he's hypomanic but then doesn't have to answer for it when he's normal because you'll accept his excuse that he doesn't remember and allow him to treat you badly again.

He may be bipolar but that's no excuse for abuse. I'm not saying to give up entirely, but maybe it would be better to accept his offer of friendship until he can get stabilized so you aren't suffering so much abuse at his hands. Because the effects of that abuse will remain for a while.

Is he on any medications?

Seesaw

If he wants to break up with you, you need to accept that. You can't only love his good side and expect that he will be any different when he's not himself.

"he's been asking that we break up. On top of that, after he saw that I wasn't budging, he's been blackmailing me that if I don't accept him as just a friend,he'll remove me from his life completely. I honestly don't know what to do "

You can't complain of emotional abuse and blackmailing when you are doing the exact same to him. You're blackmailing him to stay in a relationship you both know is not healthy. He wants to leave you to protect you from his bad side, and you really don't want to stay with someone who is not only mentally ill but can cause you physical and emotional harm when he is 5150. I'm sorry, I do not believe he is your soul mate after only 2 years, and that's my thought on the best of relationships, but knowing he has violent and abusive multiple personalities is not in any means a quality of a true soulmate. You can't hold on to the good side and ride out the bad side when he can seriously harm you. If he wants to break up, you can't threaten him and blackmail him about it. That's not healthy.

No he's not manipulating,trust me he's not. I've been dealing this for a whole yr to know the difference already. He literally couldn't remember those 5 months because that other side was running a mock most of time. He's completely same person I knew before he ended in hospital. Same wonderful nice loving person :" ❤ he literally cries and is completely heartbroken every time when he finds out that that ******* did while he was off :'( ...but when he switches...it's like you're talking about completely different person here, and I think you are because he told me he can't remember anything when the "other one" is on..It's something like schizophrenia only you have only 2 personalities and not many.
We're talking about someone that's complete opposite here. He actually told me a week ago because we've been talking about it,that his doctor told him when a good person ends up with bipolar,that person's switch which is actually not the real person,is usually complete opposite...a completely heartless evil person because he hates himself, it has no emotions,it actually wants to destroy everything that emotionally connects him to anything good...It's like ying and yang...only this opposite side decided me as his prime victim here because I'm main reason why the real him has emotions and feels good it wants to nulify and destroy all emotions and connections that my real lover has for me....that's why I can't let him.

Allowing him this breakup would mean allowing him to have all the power,and also...hypomanias can last for months...what if that opposite dark side would end up cheating on me-because I gave him means and freedom to do so,and then when the real him switches back he'd see what that horrible ******* did...he'd never forgive himself or get over that...what then???!
You can't allow someone in such state of mind power to do anything that person wants...because such person enjoys such power and control over ppl,it feeds that personality...if you don't stop this situation, whole hell will break loose :/
That's why I can't say yes to him and allow him to have control...no matter how horrible and painful it is

I'm sorry, but you are not seeing straight. This relationship IS UNHEALTHY. Whatever is going on with him, whether it's his biploar or multiple personalities, it is NOT STABLE. You cannot try to control him yourself by refusing to break up with him because you are afraid of what the other personality may do. This is seriously broken and faulty thinking.

Please do get some professional help. I think it will help you. I don't mean to come across as mean, so please don't take it that way. But I really think you need professional help.

Oh...forgot to add...yes he's on medications,many of them actually, and sadly he didn't tell me most of them. I know he usess one for attacks(he has anxiety issues),one for calming so he's able to sleep,and there's also the one that he takes for actual bipolar illness... and one he actually started to take,a strong one so he wouldn't end up getting those switches...he did that so that "other one" wouldn't hurt me :" ❤
Unfortunately that med doesn't work so well when he's under extreme stress...which is I think the reason why he's been getting hypomanias. :/ It's that extreme stress training he's been going through lately....the problem is that this training won't end anytime soon..it should last for a month :'(

A breakup has nothing to do with giving him power...it means he needs to be away from the people he loves so he can recover...and people with multiple personalities will never recover and will have those personalities for the rest of their life. So if he is your soulmate, the evil personality will be your soulmate as well. Can you handle that? Do you want that? I don't feel he is the one reigning in the power...you sound very controlling yourself...giving him an ultimatum and refusing to establish healthy boundaries...A breakup will not give YOU what YOU want, a feeling that YOU are not in control.

I see I'm wasting my time here
I asked for support, advice and help get through a rough moment, and all I got was "do it,break up"
You don't know what kind of relationship we have had before this or what kind of people either of us are,and yet you've already dissected us and labelled us on what kind of ppl we are from your own opinions and experiences.

I'm sorry you've never experienced true love and soulmate in your life, or believe in that, but it actually does happen in life you know...as rare as it is...and I've been lucky that I was able to find mine.

I've been wrong to have come here to seek for support and guidance.

You are refusing to listen to the feedback that is given to you, and that is very unfortunate. I thought I had a soulmate connection and true love with a man who turned out to be abusive. Yours is very similar and almost put you in the hospital several times, yet you refuse to see and accept that it's an unhealthy relationship. You also are refusing to give him what he asks for and are trying to control the relationship.

And I'm not controlling...for first five months I've been crying every time he'd go on his "spree" and would allow him all he wants...it didn't do anything good...just so you know.
I've been acting this way because real him asked me to himself...I want to avoid this break up only because I know he'd regret it afterwards...just like before.

It's your decision whether you wish to continue in an unhealthy situation with someone who switches personalities and who becomes evil towards you for months at a time. Whatever you want to do is just fine, but I personally will not condone an unhealthy relationship. You're clinging to the good part, thinking this must be "it", and are not seeing what the bad part does to you and puts you through. And trust me, I know what it feels like to be in love with the good side of a person. I was there too. And it took me a long time to realize that it wasn't all of him.

We're not judging you, but even strangers can acknowledge when a relationship is unhealthy.

Alisa.. firstly, I'm so sorry you're going through all this
I can understand how you're feeling as my bipolar boyfriend left me just a week ago.
I've seen my therapist today, and it was the best decision I've made in ages.
I can see you're over-sensitive and I can understand why.
I'm sure everyone here mean well and they're trying to help. I'll give it a go as well.

I would strongly suggest you just to have some time for yourself and think about your wishes, needs, focus on what makes you happy. I'm sure you deserve good things, not abuse. No one deserves abuse!
I don't know much about bipolar disorder myself, but I'm learning because I want to understand.
But from what I know, I'm almost sure he's aware of everything he's doing and saying.

Please don't think about my post as negative or judgemental, all I'm saying is try to put yourself first.

Best wishes

I'm sorry you didn't get the feedback you wanted but just because you did not hear what you wanted is not a reason to lash out at our community. We've tried to give you honest feedback based on what we all know about and have experienced with mental illness. Many of us have been in your shoes.

You will hear many different perspectives in this community, and you may not agree with them all, but everyone here means well. You seem a bit blinded by this love. Is it really true love if you have to spend nearly half the year being emotionally tortured by this person? Do you not think that you deserve better and more? I have never heard of someone with bipolar having a total personality switch and not remembering what they did when hypomanic. And I have gotten to know plenty of people with bipolar really well on this forum. You have people with bipolar and people who have been in relationships with bipolar people here on the forums giving you feedback. No one here is out to get you, but they can only advise you based on what they know.

So take what you want away from the feedback you hear on here, but please do not lash out at us because you didn't hear what you wanted. We are only trying to help and telling you the truth as we see it.

Seesaw

I think there was a great deal of solid, good, unbiased advice given here from a wealth knowledge community.
You seem to keep posting a defense for this thread. I'm not sure you're able to step back & really look at this advice. Clearly.

And the line "I'm sorry you never experienced true love & soulmate..." is condescending to say the least. It's like me saying..." I'm guessing you're under 25 yrs old?"

Dear AlisaLight;
Please know that you are not wasting your time here. You have received some very wise advice here, on this thread.
People took time out of their day to provide you efficient feedback. Please appreciate that.
Please allow me to ask how old are you?
Why do you say this is true love? What makes you think that you love him? Why do you love him so much? All I’m reading from your posts are complaints. I am not able to see the positive aspects he brings to your life. Can you please elaborate?
One more item to note: when you say that you “desperately need help” make sure that you are ready to accept help. Help doesn’t always come in the form and shape you want.

I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. It doesn't sound like bipolar to me, more like a personality disorder. That's a different issue but requires a great deal of acceptance on your part that what he says he means and it's not just the 'illness.' He wants to just be friends, unfortunately you can't make someone be your lover unless they want to. Relationships work when you both are in love. Both want to stay together. If someone just wants to be a friend, you have to accept that. Take care.

The solution to his problem lies with his doctors, not with you.

How long are you willing to wait?

Hy
I'm 35yrs old and my lover is few years younger than I am.

I'll tell you everything from beginning on how we met so you might understand better.
We've maybe been together for only 2 yrs but we've known each other for over 6yrs...it'll be 7yrs soon. This is not some love that just happened over night.
We've known each other for long time and over yrs we became very good friends. We didn't got together till now because when we met he was already with someone else. I've always loved his kind nature and personality,he would always treat me and everyone else with love and kindness. We even had so much in common,even back then when we were friends...same goals,same passions. I've finally thought that I've found myself a keen spirit and a good friend. Over several years,my feelings for him grew but he was still together with that woman, so all I could do is wish him all the best in love and life. He never knew that my feelings changed back then because he was with someone else and happy,I had no rights to interfere with that.
He told me he's gonna go far on a trip there to see her again and everything seemed fine.
But a week has passed,and another..and there was no answer from him. I started to get really worried :/ Then I found out that that woman broke his heart and soul & he literally ended up in hospital with a heart seizure. :'(
It broke my heart completely hearing that someone I cared for dearly ended up with similar experience as I did even before I met him. :'(
We continued to be friends and kept being there for each other.
On the year we got together(I was around Xmas), at the beginning of that year I was going through some extremely hard times because I had loss in the family :'(
I was going though hell for months
He was there for me through those awful times and over time,our love grew even more,till one night he told me he loved me. Our love isn't just someone that came over night....we knew each other and cared for each other long before that. I knew that I've found my soulmate because we would fulfill each others hearts and lives. Our connection was so strong,not just emotional but also spiritual.

But then...this happened :'(
Around 2-3 weeks before it happened,I was having constant messed up nightmares that made no sense...my own inner feeling was trying to warn me that something is wrong...I only wish I could've interpreted it on time
While he was in hospital I found out that he also lost last 3 months of his memory...under which there were some vety dear memories we both shared :'(
He never regained them.
When he got out of the hospital, he asked for a break,to get on his feet,to recover properly...and I gave him all that because I know that such things need time
After those 5 months passed,he came back to himself again...it was if the man I knew and loved never left. :"❤

And now due to that stress he's been going through lately,he had switched back.
I'm no doctor nor haven't talked with his psychiatrist but to me it looks like a mix of illnesses...at least from what he told me and from what I've experienced.
It looks to me that every time he deals with extreme stress his personality switches,and in complete personality disorder way as Pegasus mentioned...but this personality is the temporary one because the real him is the one that's always active when everything is normal....I know,it sounds like a complicated mess it's not normal BD, I never said it was.

While I was writing all this I got a call from his sister that he's not his normal self,that he'll be hospitalized soon so they can help him and I shouldn't worry because he'll be ok. :'"❤❤❤❤

I'm not sure what normal is when it comes to MH, but just my opinion, if he's losing time with dissociation & switching personalities to me it sounds more like MPD. I know that's not the correct name for it anymore, but maybe something to look into?

I was trying to get some advice here and help because I knew that his request and actions were erratic and that that wasn't really him talking nor what he was asking ,was what he truly wanted.
He told me that this "other" personality will subdue over time,it'll just take a lot of time and patience. :/
On the night before he switched,he told me that I should never forget he loves me, and never let that other side hurt me or take control over me...by that I mean for his words to make me think that he doesn't love me anymore...to try manipulate my emotions...which is exactly what he tried these few days ago.

I know that at this moment,this relationship isn't the healthiest or the best for me..trust me,i know...but you don't abandon & give up on someone you love so much just cuz things that are happening right now,and what he's going through are hard to take and deal with

I'm sorry you've thought I was attacking you,but I asked for advice when dealing such state of mind and only answers I got was giving up on someone just because he has a rough moment
I wasn't trying to control him,all I wanted was to prevent things to become worse,for his state of mind to become worse and end up in catastrophe. :/

And I'm so sorry if you thought I was condescending,I never meant it in that way
I always feel sad when ppl never find their true love,and as I found out later in your comment, lost them. I thought if maybe you're of those ppl who don't believe in soulmates, that comment made me thought you were such person..I'm deeply sorry that that happened to you..I hope you'll find your true love :" ❤