Emotional blackmail and desperately need help

I'm sorry,I don't know these shortcuts ^^"
What's MH & MPD?

MH = Mental Health
MPD = Multiple Personality Disorder

Here's the thing...I don't think anyone thinks you should give up, but what I think would be good is, considering he's only recently been diagnosed is that you two agree to step back from the romance and stress of a relationship, be there as his friend while he goes through the process of finding the right meds, and once he's stabilized you can start the more serious side of the relationship again.

This will give him space to not be so stressed that he is hurting you when he's hypomanic, and also gives you space to be safe while he gets stabilized. It takes a while for people to find the right meds that work for them, and he's been asking you to step back for a while because he doesn't want to hurt you. It doesn't mean things are over, it just gives you two space to breathe while he figures things out. It takes the pressure off so he doesn't feel like he's letting you down all the time by going through this. It also will help you to realize you are NOT responsible for his moods or what he does during those moods.

You seem to feel responsible to take care of him when he's hypomanic and not let him have to suffer the consequences of his own actions when he's that way. Unfortunately, even when we are suffering from and MI (mental illness) we are still responsible for our actions when all is said and done. I've had to apologize multiple times for things I've done while in psychosis. But at the end of the day, I did those things. So I am responsible. I try to learn from it to figure out what to do during those times so I don't hurt others, and your BF has to learn to. Maybe when he's hypomanic he needs to not be around you so he doesn't hurt you?

Just some things to think about.

I fear you are becoming co-dependent with this relationship - you are taking on responsibility for his actions and emotions, dealing with emotional blackmail...all the signs of co-dependency. I think maybe it would be good for you to see a therapist yourself to help you establish boundaries in this relationship so you are taking care of your mental health at the same time.

Again, not saying it can't or won't work, just saying maybe you both need to slow down and allow him time to stabilize before putting the stress of a relationship on you both as well. Think long-term, not short-term. You want to build a good foundation, and he needs to be healthy for you to do that.

Seesaw

How does he know, for sure, that this will subdue over time?
And how do we, any of us know, what another "truly wants" when the only thing that is constant, with all of us, is change.

I agree with you on some things very much because we actually have already been doing that since beginning of the year when it happened.
Like I said,when he came out of hospital,he asked me for a break,to find himself and to get better..he even asked me to tone down emotions because it was overwhelming for him..i did all that and after a while he did got better. He actually went back to him old self after those 5 months..that fight before the switch then was because he was in aggressive state and sadly because no one explained to me or told me what I should actually do, I ended up fighting him..which I know now that i was doing wrong...the emotions I started to show slowly as we both agreed. I really did everything you've mentioned so he could get better...and he really did.
We were going with this relationship with very slow pace...we still barely talk over phone because it can get overwhelming for him sometimes...much less overwhelming now than it did 3 months earlier but still I'm not pushing it tho, even tho I miss talking to him, cuz I know he needs time for this.

This year we haven't seen each other off course, by that I mean I haven't traveled to visit him because it would put too much emotional stress onto him when I would be leaving...he would probably end up in hospital again and that's last thing I'd want to happen to him
When I asked him about if I could see him next yr,he was really ok with it,I asked him if he would feel comfortable and if he would feel ok fro the obvious reasons. He said,no problem.
But I have a feeling that maybe we won't be able to see each other bcuz of what just happen...I won't rush it or force it or anything,we'll both know for sure on how he'll feel and how his state of mind will be next yr around late spring,bcuz the visit should be in summer. I know we can't rush it so if there'll be any doubts,it won't happen.
After he comes back to himself from this current episode & comes out of hospital and if he'll ask for another slowing down,I'll do it off course...just like before. I love him and I want him to be ok and get better.❤

As you said,both me and him need to think the long run.

I know that to some point he's responsible for his behavior,but it's a bit hard to give him full responsibility when he wasn't even conscious. It's like someone turned you off like a toy, put different persona card in your brain and turned you back on :/
But he knows he's responsible for his behavior, being conscious or not. :/ he always feels awful when he realizes what the "other" one said or did..especially to me. He always apologizes so I know what you meant by that. That's why he asked me to behave that way,because the other one only reacts and calms down when you tell him to F off,when you're cold to him as he is to you...his own psychiatrist actually suggested it. He just told me to do this because that side would hurt me a lot in past and he wants to avoid it,he wants to avoid for both of us to feel hurt afterwards. That's why I'm doing it. He's just trying to prevent me from getting hurt in long run.

But this latest switch by hypomania is completely different thing...it was completely erratic. His reason for breakup had no reason or logic. He didn't want it because he didn't want to hurt me or that he needed to slow down..his reason was,and I quote..why bother with it :/ completely irrational and illogical. That's why I knew for sure that it wasn't real him...another reason is because when it's not real him,he doesn't even call me by my name...like I'm a stranger he just met. The only way to end it,and this is from his psychiatrist,I need to put my foot down and stop talking to him...which I did..it's only way for him to calm down..sadly since it's hypomania,it's not ending like normal manic ep :/
So his family stepped in to help him and make him get help..thank heavens.
He will be ok but it'll take a while for him to get better. :"❤
And I'm feeling much calmer now that I know he's in good hands. ❤❤❤
Btw,that hypomania was really caused by that stress training,he just started it and already got 1st hypomania on that same weekend...it was obviously too much for him
Btw,about getting psychiatrist, I was actually thinking about this even before you mentioned it. Because till this yr I've never encountered these illnesses and tbh I don't want to end up again as clueless sheep,panicking,not knowing what to do or what to think.
If nothing else, I could really use some consultation from a professional.
I really hope I'll find a good one. I had previous exp with psychologists(related to my support group back then,I was overweight) and those doctors weren't so good. The guy that was running the group,even tho he was known doctor,was superficial and didn't show that much love toward the patients. So wish me luck on that

Oh and about that personality subsiding,his psychiatrist said that. She said it'll calm itself as that time passes for that you need for bipolar to stabilize itself completely.
Off course nothing goes away completely & for good...I know that. Bipolar is a tough illness that you have for life. But if he won't be dealing with any extreme stress,and will continue with his treatments and all, he'll be ok.

I am glad you are on the right track. Take care of yourself, take time for yourself, and allow him the space he needs to recover. I think the friendship route is best at this point. It doesn't mean no relationship down the road, but for the quality of life and health for the two of you, being there as a supportive friend in the meantime may lead to a stronger love in the end. I wish you the best of luck.

I'll try to talk to him again even tho I feel I'm probably doing a wrong thing...but at this moment it doesn't matter much because he'll end up in hospital and get help anyway.
Even tho it's not the real him and the way he's trying to manipulate me, I don't want him to feel alone and last memory of me to be that I've stopped talking to him.
Even tho he's not personality that rules over his body and mind..I don't want any bad blood with this personality in any future. :/
I won't mention that I accept what he wants tho,i really don't want to provoke him again or have another fight and make things worse..his state of mind is bad as it is all I'll say is that I love him,will always love him and I'm here for him..i just don't want him to feel alone,despite what kind of twisted personality it is..if that's not enough and he will still attack me despite my reaching out to him,then there's nothing else I can do...I'll just stop writing till he's back from hospital
My real man actually told me once when we talked about that switch, that it'd be good if I had good relations with that personality...it'd make things easier for me and in a way him. At that time I told him that that probably will never happen because every time I've tried it always acted like it hates me,despises my very exsistence.
This behavior now is much more mellow so I guess it's worth a try...right?
I think that's ok,right? :/

As Seesaw mentioned, we are here to support you AlisaLight. We don't have to agree, but all of our members mean well. We can give you an objective view of your situation. We don't judge you because we want the best for you. Sometimes we need to be honest for you to be happy at the end. Even if that means finding a new boyfriend.

I am wondering (in order to understand what’s going on) if you have not seen him this year and you said it doesn’t sound that you’ll see him next year either and you barely ever talk on the phone because it’s overwhelming to him, how do you conduct your relationship? Emails? Texts? Skype? How many times you actually met him in real life, if ever?

I also have to ask are you generally interested in a relationship where you can spend time together, do things together? Eventual commitment maybe? Or you see it as strictly virtual for now or for years or forever? How do you see it?

I won't tell you what to do, since the decision to stay with him is up to you.

I will tell you that being with someone who is hypomanic (like me) is not easy, but it's possible. I've been with my guy for over 5 and a half years now. He can put up with my hypomanic episodes. Mine are worse because I can be happy and joyful one day, and then evil and vindictive the next day. No reason needed.

If you can make your guy's life more stable, the hypomanic episodes with be less severe and less frequent. The best thing you can do is to remain calm, or you will flip a switch in his brain. Then he would want to break up again. Make sure you convince him to removes most, if not all, stressors in his life. A balanced life for him will equal a balanced mind. (Hopefully). If not, we need plan B.

I wrote about this in my earlier post but it's ok,I'll say again.
Yes, we've met many times over yrs we've known each other,including off course when became a couple. We both live in different countries but you can take bus commute even tho it's very long drive...the problem is that you can't travel during winter :/

Before he ended up in hospital we would chat,voice call and video call mostly, every night over phone.
Now it's still a bit overwhelming to him sometimes altho it has improved tremendously over past 3 months...but we both decided to take it slowly and from what I've noticed,it helped in his recuperation extremely.

We've both agreed that this yr was not the best idea to meet,despite the fact that we both missed each other so much, because as seesaw said earlier,he was just diagnosed at beginning of this year and it'll take him time to get better and his state of mind stronger.
Now that this happened, I'm not certain if he'll be ok for a visit next yr...I'm only thinking about his wellbeing here. But I think it's best not to speculate things ahead and just wait and see what will happen....it's extremely long time till that visit should happen.

All is revealed he hasn't had this type of mania,the hypomania till now..at least to my knowledge because into those 1st months he was a mess so I wouldn't know for sure :/ . And it was only induced by severe stress from that training :/ sadly this stress was something he was obliged to go through by his own doctors,it was stress type of training so bipolar ppl can withstand stress better in daily life,like work,crowds ect...but it backfired :/ it was obviously just too much to what they put him through. As soon as he told me that those trainings were becoming more and more intense,I had a feeling that something bad will happen. :/

Thank you so much for that tip and help, it's extremely helpful
When this current hypomania ep just started he was extremely erratic,and actually rude. But now in last message he sent a day ago,he seemed very calm.
I was actually gonna do just what you said. stay calm,no provoking or saying anything that would do that. If he'll still attack me for no reason then I'll withdraw from conversation...I think that's the best course.

What is "stress training"? I've never heard of that before.

@AlisaLight;
I will get straight to the point. I apologize in advance if this is not what you want to hear but I trust that it is my responsibility to tell what I think is the most beneficial to you despite how painful it might be perceived. You said that you “desperately need help”.
With that being said, If he wants to be with you -frankly, I am not convinced that he does- he will find a way to be in your life. If that in fact happens and you two end up together, please be prepared to have a life built on egg shells as these episodes will likely to repeat themselves. Please consider having a very strong support system and find ways to take extra care of your overall health. You have to be very strong minded to handle this much intensity.
In addition, having read your posts, I cannot help but wonder why you have such low expectations of love and a relationship. You don’t see him, you two don’t spend time together, there does not seem to be any effort to see each other.
In any event, good luck.

Two years seems extremely long time to not see ones life partner as you worded it. Unless of course he is in the army and is deployed or in jail (even then you can get visits)

I’d be concerned that in time of need he doesn’t want you by your side. If you are as deeply in love and soulmates as you stated, I’d think he’d like you by his side at least once a year, especially if it’s a bus ride, not even a flight. If he doesn’t want you around in time of hardship how would you move on to real life relationship/living together?

Do you enjoy this relationship? It sounds like it’s full of stress. Now sure relationships don’t have end in time of hardships. But you aren’t really with him.

Have you ever been in real life relationship? Happy? Treated well? It sounds as you might not be aware that soul mates and deep love doesn’t means suffering, being treated poorly and not even seeing your boyfriend for years!!! In addition he wants to break up with you. How many more years do you want to spend on doing this.

.

I know bipolar people yet never heard of this “extreme stress training”, whet exactky is it?

Well if it was MPD(dissociative identity disorder) and he completely switches to another personality and doesn't remember,it would have been happening throughout the entire time you have known him.It's not something that would suddenly come about one day out of the blue,DID develops in childhood and not in adulthood.

IDK,to be honest,when I read all of this I started thinking it all sounds like bs.It sounds like he's using his illness as an excuse.That he's wanting you in his life when it's convenient for him,and when he doesn't,the other 'personality' is the excuse.

I was also thinking that since you hardly see him or anything,it's possible you're just getting played.A "soulmate" would be in your life all the time,would do whatever is necessary to be with you,be by your side.And a "soul mate" has to go both ways,2 souls meant to be together,so you may feel he's your soul mate but obviously he does not feel the same,so therefore it's not really soulmates.

It also seems too convenient that he knows ahead of time when he's not going to be himself yet claims amnesia when the other "personality" takes over.

Do you even have proof that he's been hospitalized,been diagnosed with anything at all?From the way it sounds you have never even lived with him and are in different countries.He could be/say anything he wants and how would you even know the difference or even know what's true?

You say you don't want to leave him but it sounds like you've never even really been together to begin with.

Wait....have you ever even seen him in person or have you ever spent time with him at all during this relationship?

I feel being in a LDR, long distance relationship, where you're not seeing the other for yrs....well you could be walking past your actual soulmate on the way to work.
You're missing out on the actual building of a solid relationship.
Life as an avatar is very different.

What do you do when you need physical contact? A hug? Passion? Sex? Warmth from another human being?
I don't have that now & im married!

I’d be suspicious that he mysteriously is off line on the weekends but then is back to talking on Monday.

That’s usually a sign that a person wants to be unavailable oh the weekends (doing his own thing which might include dating or what not). I also find this relationship very one sided. It’s about what he wants and what he does and nothing is about you!

He doesn’t want to talk to you or see you and somehow it’s ok with you. Ok he doesn’t want to see this weekend but A YEAR? And maybe two years? It sounds that you are feeling as a soulmate but he doesn’t. You deserve better!

Alisa.......

Oh god...I've already wrote everything about myself,him,our relationship, how long we've known each and how much we've seen each other. How many more times do I need to repeat them?
It's all written in my previous comments so if you want the answers,please read them.

And about LDR,he misses me like crazy every single day,thinks about me all the time & tells me nice intimate things all the time, and keeps saying how much he wants me to be here with him...so no,it is not one sided...it's just damn hard that we're apart.
The bus commute is over 6 hours long,and they don't drive over winter.
You guys keep sticking your guns that it's same personality all the time...it's not. If he was one person, and not switching we wouldn't be having this conversation :/ because the real him loves me extremely and if this hasn't happened in December,we would've already seen each other many times & even start planing to live together. :"❤
You guys yourself said that it takes time for him to recup,especially since he was diagnosed this yr....now tell me, would you rather that a person that just been diagnosed & is still struggling with his mental illnesses, goes through enormous emotional stress when I would have to leave because he wouldn't want me to leave, it would make him extremely sad(and believe me,if I could stay,i would in heartbeat,sadly there's financial issues because such stays cost great deal of money)end up crying his heart out and very likely would end up in a hospital with breakdown again from all this....or would you rather wait for him to get better so we can have amazing time together???
I have to think of his health first,no matter how much we miss each other and want to see each other. :'( ...his health comes first.❤

It's not MPD because I've known him for over 6yrs,very close to 7 now, and he was always same wonderful kind person...there was never a single switch or anything like that for all those years that I've known him and saw him in person.

And stress training is something you have to go through in center for bipolar and some other similar mental illnesses. It's a stage of training..there a lots of them...you have individual sessions with therapist,group ones and also these kind of trainings in which you end up getting chores so bipolar ppl get used to obligations and being able to handle them. Stress training is similar to that, it is just experienceing and getting used to stress you encounter on every day life.
He's actually going through all this not just for himself,but also to get better so we could have good life together in future...if all this STILL isn't enough evidence for you that he loves me,idk what is :/

If I have proof he was hospitalized? Are you kidding me???? :O
Yes, to satisfy your question,yes I actually do. While he was in hospital,I made something for him and send it to his sister so she could give it to him(it happened during winter so that was only way for him to get it). They took few pics together for me and you could clearly see that he was hospitalized. I met him and his family IN PERSON hundreds of times over yrs we've known each other so I would say that I actually do know him very well.

Now...would you PLEASE stop questioning my every word,action or thought...including his as well.
If you can't accept that what I'm telling you is the honest truth and that there's no secrecy,hidden intentions or hidden lies or anything else cooking in the BG, then I really have nothing more to say here.
I've spilled my heart and soul out to you, to complete strangers, and what I've got in return were pretty much doubts about everything,including what kind of person I am,or he is.. :/ I've been constantly & completely honest here about everything :/
And after I've wrote all this and given you plenty of proof, you still think it's one sided...then be my guest,think that way. I've got more than enough proves that say otherwise.
I've just gotten way too tired that I have to constantly justify myself,him, our relationship, or every word I've wrote here

As we all had stated at the beginning, just because we disagree with you or do not give you the feedback you prefer to hear, it does not mean that we don’t want to help you or it does not mean that we are not reading your posts. We simply do not agree with you.

Alisa, you don't have to justify anything. People just have questions because they don't know all the details and some things seem a little squirrelly.

Having been in a long distance relationship myself with someone who had severe mental health issues, I know what you are going through. I ended up ending it because he was just clearly not making any effort to make it work.

A few tips for self care here on the forums (and I should take my own advice)..

1. If you don't like what someone has to say, don't feel the need to respond. You don't have to respond to every comment to defend yourself. Allow yourself to let those comments you feel aren't helpful to just roll off your back.

2. This community does have an ignore feature. If you go on your profile page you will find a way to edit your ignore list, so you won't see replies from anyone you think is triggering to you or bothering you. I find this very helpful when I just find that I'm not in the right head space for certain people's version of help.

3. I know it's hard because we feel defensive and attacked, but remember that people are trying to be helpful by providing g their perspective. If it's not helpful, a simple 'thank you but I don't think that applies here' should be enough to end that line of discussion.

4. Kind of a double edged sword here, but not everyone reads all the responses before commenting. They just respond to your initial post and don't realize that much of it has been discussed. Try not to hold that against them.

It's clear to me that you intend to continue to remain in this man's life, even if it's in a platonic rather than romantic relationship right now. I think you've resolved to take a step back and be there for him when he needs you but not push the romantic relationship until he's stabilized. That's very wise.

I know it's difficult because you love each other. Just remember that with all your concern for his health and well-being that you take care of your health and well-being at the same time.

I think it's admirable that you know you love this man and want to stick with him regardless of his MI. It will be rough, and I do think a therapist of your own will help you stay healthy as you continue the relationship.

Just be patient and be caring, as you obviously are.

Seesaw

Alice I have no doubt that you love this man great deal and are willing to make sacrifices for him to make sure he is healthy and happy. I never doubted that. You sound like a very loving kind person. My concern was that you aren’t getting same care and love back and your love life isn’t the kind you deserve. You deserve happiness imho.

But keep in mind we can only go by what you shared. I am somewhat confused how you went from your original post about him emotionally blackmailing you and him treating you very poorly and wanting to break up to apparently good loving relationship. But maybe I and others misunderstood your original post.

If you are happy and everything between you and your partner are going well and this is the kind of relationship you want to be in then I am happy for you and wish you the best!

Bipolar is not a personality disorder it is a mood disorder.

You asked, "would you rather that a person that was just diagnosed & is still struggling with his mental illnesses, goes thru enormous emotional stress when I would have to leave bec he wouldn't want me to leave, it would make him extremely sad....."
So if this is your question, here's my answer. Imho I'd leave.

This person needs to learn to handle their own MH issues on their own before involving another. If that person is successful I'd stand on the sidelines & wait.

And no his health does NOT come first. That's martyrdom in my opinion. You apply your own air mask before you help others. That's my opinion.
So if you're ok to stay on the sidelines & be a "cheerleader" so to speak....see how it goes.