Single again.... maybe for the rest of my life

Exactly. If both parties aren't committed to relationship, then there isn't one.

Exactly!

Eve, I'd urge you to go back and consider very carefully the transition from 'single' to 'not single'... exactly when it happens in your mind... the whole situation and how you feel when switch from one to another.

You know what. I have always been this way, even from a young age. I went on an Outward Bound trip when I was 17. It was a month-long sailing challenge. It was meant to be an individual experience, along with a team experience. What did I end up doing? I ended up getting involved with two guys on the trip almost immediately. Then just one, and we dated for a while after that. Our leader pointed this out to me.. that I wasn't doing the individual work that I should have been doing. I was getting involved in relationships instead.

I have always gravitated towards relationships. I have trouble being alone, even though I have been single for many months at a time and as long as a year.

I don't think it's a part of my DNA to be single for very long. Maybe this is just who I am and how I am. And maybe it's something I should just accept about myself. I don't see anything really wrong with this EXCEPT for making poor choices because I haven't healed yet from the prior relationship OR I'm just repeating patterns with unhealthy men.

The whole point of my journey right now is to break my pattern of unhealthy relationships.

And I am working with my therapist on this.

This new guy knows I am not into dating right now. He knows where I stand. I will go out with him on Valentines as friends. I will get to know him better as friends. But he IS interested and wants more so I have to hold back and keep things in check.

And yes, perhaps the title of this post was dramatic. It was exactly how I was feeling at the time... that my unhealthy patterns cannot be broken, that there is no hope for me, and that I felt I would possibly end up alone for the rest of my life because of that.

It’s not that hard to meet men and most certainly men get interested. I was recently asked out because a guy didn’t notice my wedding ring. It’s no big deal. It doesn’t mean though you must respond if they are interested. You can’t possibly like every man who asks you out.

Do you have specific criteria for giving men your free time and even heck your phone number? You say you gave to like them but what else are you looking at besides attraction and good looks and them going to concerts? Does the new man have career? Education? Looking for commitment? Has kids? Is divorced (stil married?). What are his moral values? what else do you look into besides some of the surface things?

If you date because you are lonely, you might need to look for other things to keep busy. In my opinion you still need to be focused on building your independence and moving out and making money, not worrying about dates.

What’s concerning is that you have two heartbreaks within few months, had sex with someone else in between and now are dating this guy. It’s 4th man in short period of time. It’s concerning. The point isn’t that they all want you. Men want women all the time.

The point is why do you have to go with and eventually get involved with everyone who asks? And I understand going out as friends but that’s how your last one started. What does your therapist say?

the transition happens the moment I am in a committed, exclusive relationship.

I feel better in relationships. As I noted above, I have always been this way.

Eve, something that you just posted stuck out like a sore thumb. You said that he wants more. I am not sure what "more" he is wanting. Remember, he just met you.

I am seeing the word quickly as a glaring flag at this point.

Is the dinner where you 'say' to him that it's 'just as friends' possibly, deep down, a bit of cat and mouse? Push and pull?

I know for myself and I'm hoping from what I see of everyone else chiming in, there's some concern and trying to assist in overcoming the patterns that led to your initial down trodden and seriously hopeless postings. And since it's online and faster than waiting a few days for an appointment I'd hope you might get some moments of pause and clarity considering you've said yourself that you fall into these non committal disappointing relationships that don't lead to that goal of walking down that aisle.

Don't automatically "give" to this guy. Make him work for your attention. You are the prize. You are worthy of what you want. If he doesn't want to work for you then he isn't worth your time.

You are misunderstanding the situation. I just wrote that I do not respond to everyone who is interested OR just anyone who asks for my number. I do not respond to every male who is interested in me. It has to be mutual. OR I have to be interested in a friendship.

This guy and I are not dating. He is not the fourth. He is potentially a third.

I have made it clear to him that I am not ready to date and that I just want friendship right now.

I am focusing on my life. I am focusing on getting an apt and on my new job. This guy and I are talking a lot, but I am taking time to myself too.

He knows I am getting over my past two relationships. I have told him this. Anyways, we're not dating, but he's interested in me. He's made that clear. And I've made it clear where I stand too.

I am talking to my therapist again on Tuesday..... she doesn't know yet about the new guy friend.

I do have criteria now... esp after my disaster with my ex fiance. He def. has to be gainfully employed, stable, respectful of women, and so much more.

Hmm.. not sure if I am understanding your post, but I understand the concerns.

Yes, I am trying to not get involved so quickly as I have done in the past. I am trying to avoid unhealthy men who are toxic to me. I am trying to break these patterns.

Yes. I am trying to keep my wits about me and be careful. He doesn't know me well enough yet. He could be needy, but I don't know yet.

He's not playing by the rules by even having this Wednesday date. He does appear to be moving fast. "Needy" men are that "selfish" catagory that OE's post about daughters of narcissist fathers discusses.

You have a point. I think he hopes I will change my mind and will want to date him eventually. I will go, but he knows it's casual and not a real date.

I agree with healing. If he knew you are friends, he wouldn’t ask you on valentine day date.

Men who move fast ignoring what they are told aren't always needy. Some do it because they are on a hunt, maybe he already senses a vulnerable woman. Love bombing already starts: hand holding on a first date as friends (not because you slipped on ice but because you held cold beer?), asking out on valentine day (of all days?).

He also senses that things might not be clear cut here. Women who aren’t into dating don’t go on a valentine day dates with men, you’d already have plans with friends or family. And didn't you already plan on meeting friends? So you cancelled on other plans to see this “friend”? I have a bad feeling again. I’ve been around the block. My guts usually don’t lie. Be very very careful

I also have to add that there is nothing wrong wanting to be in relationships or always being in one. But it becomes an issue when they are all short lived (one year is short and on and off doesn’t count as commited relationship). And the rest of the were all very short.

When they dont last because they are wrong men, how could you ensure you don’t meet wrong men anymore if you never give yourself any break from them? Not even a break to grieve or reflect on recent heartbreaks?

I don’t want you to get hurt!!!!

But deep down do you firmly believe that this is casual and not a real date? Didn't you forgoe some other plans with friends for this?

I think that it's fine to see him on Wednesday. If he asks you out again you might ask him what he's looking for. Is he looking to be in a committed relationship? Does he want children? Where does he see himself in the next 5-10 years? I know that you are trying to remain friends and I think that you have shown him a boundary. If he tries to push against that boundary, asking him serious questions may make him think twice about things. You could say that although you are not looking for a dating relationship right now, but if you were you would want to date someone who was looking for a serious relationship. He may not have that in mind at all, just wanting someone to have fun with. That is fine too, but just keep in mind what you want the end result to be.

Eve,
Next time you feel you are 'not single' anymore, can you let us know?

thanks, everyone....

I didn't have plans with friends for V day. I was just planning on going to see my favorite band and run into my friends there. No formal plan was canceled. I will still go see my band after dinner. He will most likely come with me since he goes to see this band Wed nights too.

Healing, I do believe it is a casual date with him, or rather non date, because that's what I want it to be.

Forwhatisworth, that's great advice! I will do just that!!!

Divine, I've gone on platonic V day dates before with men. It's not a big deal. I said yes to him because it sounded like fun and I would love to go out to dinner.. .not just on that particular night, but in general.

And I am grieving. I cried yesterday over my most recent ex. I am writing in my journal. Today I am alone at home working on my own stuff and am reflecting on my past relationships. I am taking the time I need to reflect and heal. I am not rushing into a relationship with this guy.

Yes, I will be posting about it I am sure, if I do get into another committed relationship.

I absolutely love this post!

My exh love bombed me, so I can appreciate how I get hairs on end when I watch anyone else step into a similar pattern.

I also can appreciate what giving of myself time to heal truly can do for knowledge and growth in learning how to foster in myself the ability for true depth of intimacy.

Marriage and long term commitments with promises aren't something gained without time spent in self reflection.

I think that boundaries are already not clear with this guy. By virtue of not telling him that you appreciated the offer but you had plans.

I am not good with boundaries and I fumble! I have issues...

I will talk to my therapist about all of this when I see her Tuesday.

I’d warn against playing “hard to get” and make yourself deliberately unavailable. Games don’t work in a long run.

But I’d urge women for leading full life with a lot of other things going on. If every time man calls and asks on a date, woman says “yes” it is a sign she has nothing else going on or is willing to cancel her plans to see him. That smells of desperation. So it is better to naturally lead full life. I remember when my now husband asked me for a second date during our first one, I had to pull out my calendar and the only time I had was two weeks from then.

I either had work, or very consuming activities pertain to my hobbies or I had outings planned with my girlfriends. I literally had no free days. And no freaking way I’d cancel my plans for someone I just met (even though I liked him).

He was ok waiting plus he was excited that I had ton going on. His ex had nothing going on, including refusing to hold a full time job. Most men I have ever met like independent women with full life (if they are looking for serious).

But I wouldn’t ever deliberately play games.

I've my own issues and boundary struggles, hence my being here and trying to help and tossing in caution.

I agree with Divine about not playing hard to get and leading a full life.

You like this new guy, so far, and are looking forward to the V day date. This ‘dating as friends’ thing is BS. A date is a date. I guarantee he is picking up the check, right? You are doing a push/pull with him. But take a breath, it’s ok. Take you time getting to know him. Enjoy the date. Listen to what he says. Let HIM do most of the talking. Just be yourself and don’t overthink anything. It’s perfectly alright to kiss him good night and thank hm for the date— and that’s it for now.