[kaorikuran]

Hello, everyone.

I need advice on this thing that has been torturing me for almost 2 years. Please, bear with me while I explain you this part of my story. I'm not sure if it's actually necessary, but there might be some facts that may require the trigger warning.
I'll try to be quick, but unfortunately there's a lot to say.
You may want to skip the enormous following paragraph if you don't care about the general plot. However, I think that reading it would give you a clearer idea and the answer to my question.

So, there was this guy, a friend. He lived in a different city. One day, he and another friend of mine got together. I was quite interested in him since before he had a girlfriend, but I hate creating drama, so I hid it well.
We were very close... And then I've started seeing signs of something more.
Until he got me with my back against a wall (literally), asking me to have sex with him.
I was scared, and I didn't want to ruin his relationship with my friend. I said no. He started telling me things like "she will never know", "it's just one time", etc. He made me feel like I was the bad guy, for neglecting his needs. Even if I didn't want to, I said yes, but not to the full act. Long story short, one time became many times.
After a month, he ended up breaking up with his girlfriend, but not because of me (he ****ed up on his own). There had been one exact week, when he completely dedicated himself to me. He treated me like a princess, like I was the only woman he'd ever want to be together with. Then he disappeared for a while; I'd then found out that he had gotten himself a new girlfriend. I was devasted and furious, but with his lies he convinced me that he had good reasons to not talk to me, because I was stressed, he wanted to give me space, etc. I stupidly believed him.
Time passes, with the usual routine. However, drama happens, the lovebirds break up, only that this time (even though I hadn't done anything at all) he blames me for it. He doubted me when I would've never even thought about it had it been him in my situation. He told me horrible things. Very, very horrible things. He wrecked me so much that I wanted to kill myself. To cut myself.
I used to spend entire days at his house, neglecting my own life. I had become addicted to him; losing him meant losing everything. He ended up 'forgiving' me, because he got back together with that girl, and I was willing to do anything for him, to show him that he could trust me... And I did.
Time passes again, he ****s up again, really bad. His relationship ended for real, and he completely disappeared from my social life. Thanks to that another dose of drama, my view of him changed and I started to recover and heal what was left of my heart (and I'd say, sanity).
I made the mistake of reaching out to him again, just to know where the hell he had been. He took the opportunity, and started justifying every action of his, telling me that there was only me in his eyes, that he didn't know what he wanted, that he was forced into the relationship with that second girl (loads of ********). While he told me these things I was like "oh hell no, why me". I'm not good at crushing down hopes of people that I don't hate, so I gave him a dubious answer. However, he lured me into becoming his girlfriend, even though it was the last thing I ever wanted or needed. After 5 months of being emotionally drained, he said something so ****ed up that it caused me a panic attack. I decided, with the help of a friend, to avoid any contact, to completely vanish, as if I had ceased to exist.

During our time together, this guy did many things. There were times when he was the sweetest, and times when I didn't matter at all. Every time I spoke about what I was feeling at that moment, he'd always find a way to talk about what HE was feeling, what HE was doing, sometimes completely ignoring my statements. He wanted me to comfort him when I needed comfort. He sometimes tried to control the way I dressed, saying that since it was cold I had to send him a picture of me going out, with a hat, gloves and a scarf (which I find extremely upsetting; never agreed to that). He sometimes told me to kill myself, and other times he told me that he wanted to marry me, even though I was only 16 at the time. He never raised a hand on me; he didn't need to. He used manipulation. Lastly, the thing he said to me that made me definitively disappear from this whole mess, was a perverted fantasy he had: he imagined us, kissing, naked, in a bloodbath.
I... There are no words to describe this.

I'm sorry if what I've written is confusing. I have a hard time recalling those memories, since my brain has deleted most of them to cope with all of them. Also, English is not my native language, so please have mercy.

I'd like to know what you think. Thank you, if are still here to read this.

[healingme4me]

At the very least, it is/was toxic, no doubt about that. Another word that comes to mind is exploitive.

Have you gained distance from him, at least?

Do the labels matter more so than the recovery, for you?

[divine1966]

I hope you never see or talk to him again. Certainly bad news kind of guy

[ShadowGX]

As healing4me suggested, it just sounds like he was exploiting you and using you. Toxic for sure.

One bright side is that it seems like you avoided an abusive relationship. If you go through and read different stories of abuse cases they almost always say similar in regards to "sometimes he was the sweetest guy in the world" - this is what kept them coming back to their abuser. I'm glad you seem to know now that this is clearly him manipulating you and you put and end to it. Now you just need to keep him out of your life.

[crushed_soul]

I wish for you to be well, kaorikuran, and empathize immensely.

The following sentences consist of my humble perspectives that are attempts at objective reasoning based on research on numerous interconnected, pertinent topics of which your story seemingly comprises.

After reading your post, he emotionally and psychologically abused, manipulated and used you. Moreover, you are a victim of such abuse, manipulation and use. Some quick examples of his tactics are shifting the blame to you, convincing you of invented guilt, isolating you from others, intermittent reinforcement, neglecting you/your wants/needs/life/interests, and more.

Your story also consists of numerous aspects that are strongly associated with relationships with someone, who is of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NDP.) He may or may not be of NDP and/or other personality disorders. A few instances of such associations are his transiency, his conditioning of you to become addicted to him, his conditioning of you to become dependent on him/his attention and so on, hoovering and more.

Regardless of possible personality disorders, his behavior and actions in general were psychologically and emotionally abusive, manipulative and using. So, not only was this a toxic relationship, he was also abusive.

[avlady]

you were being manipulated, too young to understand and maybe you were needy at the time it happened. i don't really mean needy in a bad way but you never experienced a good relationship yet so you didn't know any better. we all need love and sometimes we get bad love. it is hard to get out of a relationship, especially a bad one, you never know what the abuser will do next. i've been in relationships where i've seen the red flags and ignorded them because i didn't want to be alone and i thought any love was a good love, which it is not. i was really lonely and had a hard time relating with people so i usually went with guys that would make the first move. this led to me not getting the people i really wanted. great sacrifices here too.good luck.

I agree with Shadow and Crushed Soul's conclusions. This was most certainly toxic, and yes, abusive -- you did the right thing by ceasing all contact.

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

At the very least, it is/was toxic, no doubt about that. Another word that comes to mind is exploitive.

Have you gained distance from him, at least?

Do the labels matter more so than the recovery, for you?

Yes, with time I've come to understand that too.
And I've luckily managed to completely disappear from his life, literally. It's been something like 2 years since last contact.
I don't understand what your last question means... Could you please explain it? ;;;

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I hope you never see or talk to him again. Certainly bad news kind of guy

I certainly do hope so too... Thank you for empathizing with me.

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

As healing4me suggested, it just sounds like he was exploiting you and using you. Toxic for sure.

One bright side is that it seems like you avoided an abusive relationship. If you go through and read different stories of abuse cases they almost always say similar in regards to "sometimes he was the sweetest guy in the world" - this is what kept them coming back to their abuser. I'm glad you seem to know now that this is clearly him manipulating you and you put and end to it. Now you just need to keep him out of your life.

It's what I've been doing and what I intend to do for the rest of my life. Never again, ahah.
It's scary to think about what would've happened if I hadn't ran away from him. The perspective of an abusive relationship is surely the most plausible... Luckily, it seems that at least in these situations, I can see when things are just getting too crazy.

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by crushed_soul

I wish for you to be well, kaorikuran, and empathize immensely.

The following sentences consist of my humble perspectives that are attempts at objective reasoning based on research on numerous interconnected, pertinent topics of which your story seemingly comprises.

After reading your post, he emotionally and psychologically abused, manipulated and used you. Moreover, you are a victim of such abuse, manipulation and use. Some quick examples of his tactics are shifting the blame to you, convincing you of invented guilt, isolating you from others, intermittent reinforcement, neglecting you/your wants/needs/life/interests, and more.

Your story also consists of numerous aspects that are strongly associated with relationships with someone, who is of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NDP.) He may or may not be of NDP and/or other personality disorders. A few instances of such associations are his transiency, his conditioning of you to become addicted to him, his conditioning of you to become dependent on him/his attention and so on, hoovering and more.

Regardless of possible personality disorders, his behavior and actions in general were psychologically and emotionally abusive, manipulative and using. So, not only was this a toxic relationship, he was also abusive.

Thank you.

Oh... I see. I'm kind of "glad" that he was, because I honestly thought that I was exaggerating with thinking of me as victim of an abusive behavior... Also, the few people I've told about this didn't react like I was, so I started thinking that I was just magnifying the whole situation. As if I had gone crazy...

I suspect that he suffers from a personality disorder. I'm not sure if it's correlated, but I noticed that the way he writes is completely different from how he really is. He writes as if he is insecure, always melancholically, with lots of imprecisions and "......."; when he speaks he is confident, has a strong voice and humor (while if I made a joke while chatting he would take it personally and make me feel guilty for it. I'm someone who fools around a lot, so this was a low blow to my personality). I think he writes like that to make people sympathize with him and "cuddle" him, and to make them aware of how you write in his presence; in other words, another form of control? I'm not sure, honestly.

Wow that is toxic. I think it's abuse. I can relate to some of it. Has he ever tried to contact you during the no contact? You should leave this guy behind in the past. I was thinking if it has been two years, are you still obsessing or has he contacted you? You're probably questioning whether it's abuse because you were gas lighted by him. My "situationship" was toxic and emotionally abusive.

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by avlady

you were being manipulated, too young to understand and maybe you were needy at the time it happened. i don't really mean needy in a bad way but you never experienced a good relationship yet so you didn't know any better. we all need love and sometimes we get bad love. it is hard to get out of a relationship, especially a bad one, you never know what the abuser will do next. i've been in relationships where i've seen the red flags and ignorded them because i didn't want to be alone and i thought any love was a good love, which it is not. i was really lonely and had a hard time relating with people so i usually went with guys that would make the first move. this led to me not getting the people i really wanted. great sacrifices here too.good luck.

It's exactly like you said... I was too young, and I was feeling too alone. I was also physically alone, which brought me to experience depressive episodes. Therefore, I was completely vulnerable... And yes, that was my very first"serious" relationship, so I really didn't know any better.
I can understand where you come from, even though I don't act like you. I mean, the thing is that I had never been a very, like, relationship-person: I was kind of scared of them (I don't know why, honestly). And right after this whole story, my trust has been completely broken again. So, even though I may be too young for thinking this way, I'm despising everything related to any kind of romantic or sexual intimacy. I do feel lonely, but I need a long truce. So we're kind of opposites. :')

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I agree with Shadow and Crushed Soul's conclusions. This was most certainly toxic, and yes, abusive -- you did the right thing by ceasing all contact.

I'm feeling so relieved... I thought I was crazy for even asking it.
I'm really, really glad I did. Thank you for time.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by kaorikuran

Yes, with time I've come to understand that too.
And I've luckily managed to completely disappear from his life, literally. It's been something like 2 years since last contact.
I don't understand what your last question means... Could you please explain it? ;;;

I'm glad to read that there is distance from that situation.

I asked if the label mattered more than the recovery because your op is it toxic or abuse.

To me, so long as you are on the road to recovery from this and are away from it, then labelling it seems less important. Not that it minimizes your experience, because what you went through sounds awful.

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by happycheeks

Wow that is toxic. I think it's abuse. I can relate to some of it. Has he ever tried to contact you during the no contact? You should leave this guy behind in the past. I was thinking if it has been two years, are you still obsessing or has he contacted you? You're probably questioning whether it's abuse because you were gas lighted by him. My "situationship" was toxic and emotionally abusive.

I'm sorry that you can relate. Yes, he has tried to contact me, but I've never replied. I don't want to check anymore, too.
I'm not sure if I'm still obsessing, but even if I was, it's surely not in the 'i-want-him-back" kind of way. I don't easily let go of the past, even if I'm walking away from it, especially if there is a sort of inconclusive situation... I'm not good with words, I hope you see what I'm trying to say. ;;;
I wasn't really gas lighted by him; at that time I didn't even know what was a toxic relationship. Now I'm able to see all the red flags (sometimes even when they're not there; thank you, paranoia), thanks to him and some research, that made me bring up my question. I really didn't know that something like that could happen...

I'm so sorry it was abusive. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Even though I don't know the story, I support you and hope you are okay now.

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'm glad to read that there is distance from that situation.

I asked if the label mattered more than the recovery because your op is it toxic or abuse.

To me, so long as you are on the road to recovery from this and are away from it, then labelling it seems less important. Not that it minimizes your experience, because what you went through sounds awful.

Oh, I see. Of course recovery is more important! I just wanted to give a proper name to this experience. Also because people didn't really react like it was something serious; I mean, of course they were shocked, sorry, and empathized with me, but they didn't give off any "you should have called for help, this is abuse" vibe. So I thought that I was just exaggerating with thinking that way, and that I was going nuts. That's why I asked.
Thank you for empathizing with me.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by kaorikuran

Oh, I see. Of course recovery is more important! I just wanted to give a proper name to this experience. Also because people didn't really react like it was something serious; I mean, of course they were shocked, sorry, and empathized with me, but they didn't give off any "you should have called for help, this is abuse" vibe. So I thought that I was just exaggerating with thinking that way, and that I was going nuts. That's why I asked.
Thank you for empathizing with me.

I find that happens too often when trying to explain abusive situations/experiences. I don't know if it's because one is standing before them to tell the story or not. Plus, I believe it places them in a position to feel powerless to help. And if they know the abuser even less reactive they become.

I also had asked because in my own history, it really wasn't until my mom had tossed out a label to me, when I began to understand why the things in my marriage continued to cycle year after year, month after month like they did and I was able to seek help.

[eskielover]

Wow, any guy backing me into a wall & asking/demanding sex no matter how much I may think I liked him would get a knee where it hurts & if he ever showed his face around me again would regret it. That is very disrespectful to you in the first place & no matter what his psych problem is, he had & probably never will have respect for women. He was using you for his wants & needs & you were probably just another notch on his belt.

Unfortunately you consented in the long run which is why it wasn't considered to be anything worse than just what it was. Therapy might help you to avoid behaviors that are disrespectful to yiu at the beginning & not get sucked in the way this happened in the future

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I find that happens too often when trying to explain abusive situations/experiences. I don't know if it's because one is standing before them to tell the story or not. Plus, I believe it places them in a position to feel powerless to help. And if they know the abuser even less reactive they become.

I also had asked because in my own history, it really wasn't until my mom had tossed out a label to me, when I began to understand why the things in my marriage continued to cycle year after year, month after month like they did and I was able to seek help.

You have a point there...

I see... It is true that someone can understand what they are going through when they are able to identify the situation they're in. A label would have helped me open my eyes sooner back then, for sure.
I'm glad you were able to seek help.

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Wow, any guy backing me into a wall & asking/demanding sex no matter how much I may think I liked him would get a knee where it hurts & if he ever showed his face around me again would regret it. That is very disrespectful to you in the first place & no matter what his psych problem is, he had & probably never will have respect for women. He was using you for his wants & needs & you were probably just another notch on his belt.

Unfortunately you consented in the long run which is why it wasn't considered to be anything worse than just what it was. Therapy might help you to avoid behaviors that are disrespectful to yiu at the beginning & not get sucked in the way this happened in the future

Ahah, usually I work that way too. Unfortunately, this was a different case...
Yes, I definitely was another notch on his belt. The "side chick"

I've thought about therapy, but... I don't know. It's been a while since this whole thing happened, and I'm way more aware of what is okay and what is too much. I'm also more... paranoic, I think. Sometimes it's unnecessary, but at least it's a defense against potential red flags. The hard way teaches a lot... 🤷

[eskielover]

Ah yes, I've learned a lot of things things the hard way too....but they are NOW things I never forget & am very weary to make sure it never happens again

[kaorikuran]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Ah yes, I've learned a lot of things things the hard way too....but they are NOW things I never forget & am very weary to make sure it never happens again

Indeed. Same for me.

Originally Posted by kaorikuran

I'm sorry that you can relate. Yes, he has tried to contact me, but I've never replied. I don't want to check anymore, too.
I'm not sure if I'm still obsessing, but even if I was, it's surely not in the 'i-want-him-back" kind of way. I don't easily let go of the past, even if I'm walking away from it, especially if there is a sort of inconclusive situation... I'm not good with words, I hope you see what I'm trying to say. ;;;
I wasn't really gas lighted by him; at that time I didn't even know what was a toxic relationship. Now I'm able to see all the red flags (sometimes even when they're not there; thank you, paranoia), thanks to him and some research, that made me bring up my question. I really didn't know that something like that could happen...

I'm so sorry it was abusive. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Even though I don't know the story, I support you and hope you are okay now.

It's ok. Ah I see. I was just wondering about your past. I was thinking to myself if it has been two years, surely they would have moved on and wouldn't think about the person. I hope you are okay