[katydid777]

I grew up in a very disfunctional family. I was abused in every way possible. I finaly ran away at 12 years old, and turned the abuse in. I became a ward of the state I lived in. Back then this was something you never talked about. I wasn't allowed to see my siblings, they were told that I lied about everything and was told I ruined the family, they believed everything, except for one who had been through some of the abuse, That one left home young, told my parents she was pregnant, and got married at 14. I came from a large family of 6 kids, and no one wanted to say anything about any type of abuse bc they didn't want to be treated like I was. I was the black sheep, the hated one, the different one, my mom told me to my face she resented the day I was born. I was a 7 month baby, and in the mid 60s they didn't live, but I did. My parents didn't take me home when I was allowed to go home. I was taken for several months by one of my Aunts. I turned to God that was all I had while I was a child, and was called names even by my siblings, for example Jesus freak. When they became ill, my mom, and I had a argument. It was the worst for me that we ever had. All my life I have done anything, and everything I could do to try to have my mother at least care about me. The argument was, she said I took something from her, when it was found out that she misplaced what she said I took, and she threatened to have me put in jail for it. Anyway both my parents were alcoholics until they passed away. And to this day I don't have any feeling for ether of them. The Fifth of the Ten Commandments says to honor thy father, and mother. I don't know what to do! I don't have any feelings about them, or most of my siblings. I have both my parent's ashes, and will have until all the siblings can get together to take care of there wishes, or the siblings that would make problems for me to take care of them, are gone. Only 2, my older brothers know I have my parents ashes. And that is bc I got my mom's from one brother that took them from my dad, and the other lives in my housed. If my sisters knew there would be big problems. Any input about all of this will be very much accepted. Good, or Bad!!! I just don't know what to do, how to handle this, and how to have feelings for my parents, bc I don't want to go against the commandments.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by katydid777

I grew up in a very disfunctional family. I was abused in every way possible. I finaly ran away at 12 years old, and turned the abuse in. I became a ward of the state I lived in. Back then this was something you never talked about. I wasn't allowed to see my siblings, they were told that I lied about everything and was told I ruined the family, they believed everything, except for one who had been through some of the abuse, That one left home young, told my parents she was pregnant, and got married at 14. I came from a large family of 6 kids, and no one wanted to say anything about any type of abuse bc they didn't want to be treated like I was. I was the black sheep, the hated one, the different one, my mom told me to my face she resented the day I was born. I was a 7 month baby, and in the mid 60s they didn't live, but I did. My parents didn't take me home when I was allowed to go home. I was taken for several months by one of my Aunts. I turned to God that was all I had while I was a child, and was called names even by my siblings, for example Jesus freak. When they became ill, my mom, and I had a argument. It was the worst for me that we ever had. All my life I have done anything, and everything I could do to try to have my mother at least care about me. The argument was, she said I took something from her, when it was found out that she misplaced what she said I took, and she threatened to have me put in jail for it. Anyway both my parents were alcoholics until they passed away. And to this day I don't have any feeling for ether of them. The Fifth of the Ten Commandments says to honor thy father, and mother. I don't know what to do! I don't have any feelings about them, or most of my siblings. I have both my parent's ashes, and will have until all the siblings can get together to take care of there wishes, or the siblings that would make problems for me to take care of them, are gone. Only 2, my older brothers know I have my parents ashes. And that is bc I got my mom's from one brother that took them from my dad, and the other lives in my housed. If my sisters knew there would be big problems. Any input about all of this will be very much accepted. Good, or Bad!!! I just don't know what to do, how to handle this, and how to have feelings for my parents, bc I don't want to go against the commandments.

P.S. I will talk about this problem with my T. This very much bothers me!!!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by katydid777

P.S. I will talk about this problem with my T. This very much bothers me!!!

I saw your other post too, describing your situation. You are such a sweet person on here, i would never have guessed all that happened to you.

Honor your mother and father always seemed like a weird commandment to me. It doesnt say to love or respect or obey or even take care of, kind of like its assumed parents were gonna mess up. Honor is like, bow to them as they bowed to you? You were gifts to each other. Honor your gift as they honored their gift.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I saw your other post too, describing your situation. You are such a sweet person on here, i would never have guessed all that happened to you.

Honor your mother and father always seemed like a weird commandment to me. It doesnt say to love or respect or obey or even take care of, kind of like its assumed parents were gonna mess up. Honor is like, bow to them as they bowed to you? You were gifts to each other. Honor your gift as they honored their gift.

This is so hard for me bc they never honored me in any way. They never encouraged me, and even when I did very good, like honor roll I was told I should have done better.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by katydid777

This is so hard for me bc they never honored me in any way. They never encouraged me, and even when I did very good, like honor roll I was told I should have done better.

Thats what im saying. My parents were the same way. You dont owe them anything. Dont go out of your way. Do what you think is enough, what truly satisfies you.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Thats what im saying. My parents were the same way. You dont owe them anything. Dont go out of your way. Do what you think is enough, what truly satisfies you.

I can't do anything anymore bc they passed away 4 &6 years ago. I just have a problem that I don't feel anything. I see things on FB all the time about people's moms, and dads, and I can't even comment on them bc people wouldn't understand.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by katydid777

I can't do anything anymore bc they passed away 4 &6 years ago. I just have a problem that I don't feel anything. I see things on FB all the time about people's moms, and dads, and I can't even comment on them bc people wouldn't understand.

I thought you meant you had to do something about their ashes.

There are quite a few people here on PC who need support dealing with their parents. They dont know if its okay to go no-contact, for example. I feel, now that i have gotten off that awful merry-go-round, that the best thing i can do is pay it forward and help them to stop torturing themselves, as my t and other resources, such as books and PC, helped me.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I thought you meant you had to do something about their ashes.

There are quite a few people here on PC who need support dealing with their parents. They dont know if its okay to go no-contact, for example. I feel, now that i have gotten off that awful merry-go-round, that the best thing i can do is pay it forward and help them to stop torturing themselves, as my t and other resources, such as books and PC, helped me.

Thank you, I did go no contact for 2 years before my mom passed, after that when my dat was on hospice one of my sisters convinced me to go see him. He said he was sorry, but never said why. So when they passed I cried, only bc I know that I will never find things out about them, and me, my chances were up. Now I don't feel a thing about them, and it has been that way from the time I knew I would never get answers.

Don't know if this is helpful or not, but for what it's worth, the worst beating I ever got was when my abusive female parental unit spat at me during one of her raging tirades that the bible says to honor your mother and father and I replied that it also says for parents to not provoke their children to anger.

It really makes me so angry that people (especially parents) use what's supposed to be a "good" book to justify them doing some of the most vile, filthy and evil things to the most innocent, vulnerable and defenseless amongst us ... A Child!

Come to think of it, to hell with them and their bible ... And if there is a god, they've got a lot of explaining to do because I'll never understand why some all powerful entity puts children into such soul destroying situations then condemns them to hell for losing all hope, faith, trust and belief!

[MickeyCheeky]

((((katydid777)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling. "To honor your mother and father" is just a way to tell you to be grateful for the gift you have (Life). But if your parents have mistreated you this way, I don't think you have any obligation towards them. You did what you've had to do. Please, don't feel guilty about this. You're a good person.

[katydid777]

I understand your point, and the bible does say that, I just forgot. At my age 53, you tend to seek out all answers, and at this time in my life, I am trying to find the true religion. I don't know if I will ever find it, I don't know if the one I am studying now is the one, but all I can do is try, and try to be a good person, even when other people( not anyone here) haven't been good to me. I have always tried to treat people the way I want people to treat me, and when I don't do this, I feel guilty, even if the other person/s treat me badly. I guess this has a lot to do with self esteem.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

((((katydid777)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling. "To honor your mother and father" is just a way to tell you to be grateful for the gift you have (Life). But if your parents have mistreated you this way, I don't think you have any obligation towards them. You did what you've had to do. Please, don't feel guilty about this. You're a good person.

Thank you so much!!! I have always tried to treat people the way I would want to be treated, but this Commandment has bothered me, bc I don't feel like I have honored my parents, and I can't even feel anything for them.

[Marylin]

Believe me Katydid,the bible might say honour your mother and father but God's told me if your mother and father /famiy do not honour,respect and treat you well then you do not have to obey them or respect them.You can walk away and let God deal with them,God will love you just the same.God loves you,he loves me,he opened my eyes to my mother who used me like a slave and was emotionally abusive to me,he helped me see that my narcissist mother was against me having a life of my own,that my sister was working to make me mentally insane so that I'd commit suicide so she could take my property.God opened my eyes and saved my life,he wants me to have love,peace,joy and to live in safety.And so to you do not worry about not being able to honour your mother and father ,if they have abused you now is the time for you to heal,let them pay for their sins,you do not sin not honouring them if they have abused you and neglected you in childhood.Be at peace and rest assured.You were an innocent child and you are ok,do not feel bad,do not feel guilty.

(((((katydid))))) you never deserved to be treated that way by your parents, you deserved to be treated with love and kindness, I'm so sorry you never got that

I personally don't believe in what the bible says cause any loving being would never allow children to suffer the way you did, nor would they allow animals to suffer like that either

[Bill3]

My mother had, I believe, narcissistic personality disorder and alcohol use disorder. She was emotionally negligent of me, an only child, and she screamed at me a lot if crossed, or even if I just disagreed with her in some way. There were a lot of problems, major problems, related to her drinking.

I never had loving feelings for her, either before or after her death in 1989.

I still don't, and I still think that is okay.

With regard to honoring one's parents: To honor does not mean to love or have positive feelings, and I definitely don't have them.

We might honor a nurse or teacher, but we don't have to love them in order to honor them.

Honor is not a blank check for parental neglect or abuse. To honor parents means to show respect when that respect is appropriate. So, with regard to my mother, I can respect and honor the fact that she prepared meals every day and generally ran the household pretty well when she wasn't drinking or angry. I never had to cook for myself as a small child, or go to school in unclean clothes with holes in them, for example. She knitted me sweaters, even if the motivation for that was mainly narcissistic. I still use the blanket she made in approximately 1980.

There are many things that I cannot respect or honor about what she did, but these things I can.

And she did after all carry me and give birth to me. I am grateful for that, and I can honor her for it.

But not love her for it.

[katydid777]

Thank you all, this is something I know I have to work on. I will be talking with my T about it, and I will also be seeking guidance spiritly.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( katydid )))))))

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by katydid777

Thank you all, this is something I know I have to work on. I will be talking with my T about it, and I will also be seeking guidance spiritly.

A girlfriend of mine used to say to me, "...but its your MOTHER!" I finally figured out that was supposed to mean something like, "thats who got up when you were sick in the middle of the night, thats who changed your diaper, thats who toilet trained you, thats who comforted you when..., that who advised you when..., thats who stood by your side when..."

Well, if none of that happened, then... what does it mean, thats your mother? She hatched me.

[Quarter life]

Dear Katydid.

Chronic abuse is insidious, in that it changes who we are...and who we were meant to become. Out of instilled fear, guilt, shame we continue to search for approval and love from those who abused and or disapproved of us, but unfortunately this will never come.

Several years ago...I took a long hard look at my list of personal beliefs and my reactions to the world, including my constant worrying of what others thought of me. Some of my ideas were keeping me safe, but most were toxic, outdated or downright ridiculous. I have now come to appreciate that 99% of people care little about what I think or what I do...they care more about their own lives. I now understand that I can’t wait around for others to tolerate, validate, laud or honour me...I must do that for myself.

Although our upbringing ‘to a great degree’ informs who we become as adults, we need to ‘as adult’s' draw from our experiences in the ‘NOW’ to form our sense of self. And through relentless repetition change our belief systems to thrive.

Good or bad your parents have had their lives…and yes your parents caused damage, and they continue to do so through your siblings instilled perceptions of who you are, and this will take a lot of undoing. Be strong, be tenacious, and graciously reject anyone and everyone who doesn’t encourage, respect, and support you moving forward….this I'm sad to say may include your siblings.

The worst choice we can make is waiting for others to choose for us, or waiting for permission to choose, as we may spend our lives choosing nothing at all.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by katydid777

I grew up in a very disfunctional family. I was abused in every way possible. I finaly ran away at 12 years old, and turned the abuse in. I became a ward of the state I lived in. Back then this was something you never talked about. I wasn't allowed to see my siblings, they were told that I lied about everything and was told I ruined the family, they believed everything, except for one who had been through some of the abuse, That one left home young, told my parents she was pregnant, and got married at 14. I came from a large family of 6 kids, and no one wanted to say anything about any type of abuse bc they didn't want to be treated like I was. I was the black sheep, the hated one, the different one, my mom told me to my face she resented the day I was born. I was a 7 month baby, and in the mid 60s they didn't live, but I did. My parents didn't take me home when I was allowed to go home. I was taken for several months by one of my Aunts. I turned to God that was all I had while I was a child, and was called names even by my siblings, for example Jesus freak. When they became ill, my mom, and I had a argument. It was the worst for me that we ever had. All my life I have done anything, and everything I could do to try to have my mother at least care about me. The argument was, she said I took something from her, when it was found out that she misplaced what she said I took, and she threatened to have me put in jail for it. Anyway both my parents were alcoholics until they passed away. And to this day I don't have any feeling for ether of them. The Fifth of the Ten Commandments says to honor thy father, and mother. I don't know what to do! I don't have any feelings about them, or most of my siblings. I have both my parent's ashes, and will have until all the siblings can get together to take care of there wishes, or the siblings that would make problems for me to take care of them, are gone. Only 2, my older brothers know I have my parents ashes. And that is bc I got my mom's from one brother that took them from my dad, and the other lives in my housed. If my sisters knew there would be big problems. Any input about all of this will be very much accepted. Good, or Bad!!! I just don't know what to do, how to handle this, and how to have feelings for my parents, bc I don't want to go against the commandments.

I completely understand how you feel! My parents had six kids. I was mentally and physically abuse by my mom

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by katydid777

P.S. I will talk about this problem with my T. This very much bothers me!!!

I am sorry that you are struggling right now! I completely understand!

[healingme4me]

Maybe try understanding honor from the Hebrew meaning? And then there's passages in the Bible that address ungodly people? So that you can go forth with peace?

And I'm all for not letting your siblings know about the ashes :\

[TishaBuv]

You guys are all so wise!

I’m your age, Katy, and struggling with similar.

I looked up what Honor thy father and mother means, having had no religious education.

Now that your parents have passed, I guess it would mean for you to do what is customary in your religion. In mine, that means lighting a candle on a certain day, making a donation in their memory.

There’s nothing that says you have to have loving feelings towards them, especially when they were abusive. It also says “Children are precious gems that are deposited with parents for polishing and finishing. Parents who fail to build a warm and loving relationship with their children will pay a heavy price for this negligence.”

[katydid777]

Thank you all, this has bothered me for several days.

Sorry to hear that your sibling can't ease this burden with you. Your thoughts alone will honor your deceased family, what you do with their ashes is for you, not them. Mourn them any way that you need to, and if the time is ever right, allow your siblings to do the same.