Need Space to Vent and Receive Encouragement

I’m not sure if this is anxiety tendencies or tiredness from the previous semester of school talking but I need to vent.

After a couple of years of enduring abuse from fake friends at my uni, and with many of my real friends moving away from my city, how about having half of the world’s population turn sour on me at once?

Yup you read that right, I think women in general despise me for even existing. I’ve tried my best to follow the golden rule in my interactions with others and see women as people, and feel like I’m a very interesting person who holds a variety of hobbies. Plus I travel and get out to see the world and embrace our environment and all that it has to offer. My family members and people who know me best praise me for my conversation skills and tact with others. But its all in vain and sometimes feel they’re just pulling my leg.

From experiencing personality clashes and enduring harsh criticism from a couple of women whom I worked with at school and an intern to getting a cold shoulder a couple of times when I’ve tried to socialize with women at football games and bars, its obvious that women were put on this earth to swallow me whole and then spit me out on the earth for the world to see. And with the MeToo movement assuming every guy on the planet are just dumb filthy animals, I sometimes think I am one too, even when I have absolutely no history of sexually abusing women.

Then in the seemingly rare instances I do find women at least decent enough to be friends with, none of them have deemed me “relationship material”, and instead go after the heads of fraternities or athletes. Its like nice guys finish last! And then when I’ve tried to keep in touch with a few friends who happened to be women after college, they just ignore me and my texts. I guess I’m only good for one moment, and disposed of the next, so I’m no better than a pile of garbage. I’m either a boyfriend or just some stranger, and no where in between. Further adding evidence that I’m like garbage is when I’ve tried to reach out to a some people who I thought were friends, some female, about some of my struggles, they freak out and act like I’m too much to handle. Also goes to show that women are keeping a checklist of all my mistakes and are only out just to put me down.

All I want is show women kindness and treat them as people deserving of love rather than objects, yet all I get is ungratefulness and hatred. I’m sorry if I’m filtering out women here on PC who have helped me before, but why do you women hate me? Aren’t I good and loveable enough despite some imperfections and awkward moments? Is this the way that I will always be with women from platonic to romantic, just being cold toward me and keeping a checklist of my mistakes and using it against me? Or am I just generalizing?

I do see a counselor whom I have already shared these concerns with, but since finishing college is a higher priority, sometimes I’ve just left this topic on the backburner.

Sorry for making a long rant but I appreciate any support and a breath of fresh air. Some of these thoughts have been spiraling out of control in recent weeks and I could use some help to love me for who I am.

What type of women you try to socialize with?

I’d say women who frequent bars and football games might not be there in order to have meaningful conversations. Women who hang out in bars and socialize wuth strangers aren’t there to discuss anything of substance. They likely are there for other reasons and might not be the type to appreciate you.

I’d also say as women get older they are more likely to appreciate a decent guy and not focus on him being certain way.

It’s not easier for women though. Ton of women complain about guys paying no attention to them and only going for dumb bimbos. Lol So it goes both ways. It’s rough out there. But there is someone for everyone out there.

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. Bars and football games are not the best place to find relationship material...those places are generally meant for hookups.

Can you be more specific as to what you're doing that makes women hate you? I'd like to see if it's your body language or things you say to women or even your appearance.

Hi,

I think half the problem is trying too hard to be liked, DazedandConfused254. Not saying that's what you're doing but I don't really think women are all about warm fuzzies and unicorns all the time. Be nice, yes, but try not to censor yourself around them as well. Just say whatever comes into your mind - the real you.

I'll be honest - I began to have more luck with women [my late twenties/thirties] when I just stopped caring. If you're a nice person anyway, then you don't have to try in that area.

I don't know, it's a mystery. One thing is - do not put yourself down please, DazedandConfised254. You're a good person, I can tell. Women are just people my friend, but they're females as well. Be a little bit sexual but not in a #MeToo kind of way.

I'm just throwing that out there.

Hey welcome to the club. One third of the female population on PC has me blocked so women hate me too.

With that being said, my advice is to figure out why do they not want you? I'm probably gonna get some **** from women here for saying this but maybe try working on things like your appearance or confidence? Maybe dress in nicer clothes (go to a cheap place like Ross and upgrade your wardrobe), start hitting the gym, improve your charisma, or even study pickup lines.

Also, maybe casual relationships with women aren't such a bad thing to start off with? If you are able to attract women for short term flings or casual sex, than start there? It would boost your confidence around women and make you more desirable to women in the future (having more experience with women does make you more likely to get a woman later on). Don't be in such a rush to get a long term relationship because women have some kind of hidden super power or something to detect when you are being "needy" and that's an instant turn off for a lot of them.

I know I am going to get a lot of hate for making this reply but if it helps you IDGAF. I'm working on the same issues so I can empathize with you here.

Thank you for your responses everyone.

divine1966: I try to socialize with most women who seem chill to have a convo. My attempts at socializing in bars and sporting events seem more like a way to kill time rather than have meaningful friendships, so I guess that should be out of the question now. But I hang out at coffee shops for hardcore studying and in the process I've connected with just about all of the baristas, quite a few women for that matter, who work at these places. As a traveller, I also have had neat chats with people from around the globe. I can chat up a storm once I get to know someone, but I'm pretty self-conscious, worrying that I may be a bother to others. Hope this clears things up

LiteraryLark: As I mentioned to divine, I so agree with you. People in bars and such aren't of any substance. In regards to what may chase women away, I may need further self-discovery. But when I am preoccupied with obligations, which there can be many at school, I guess I come off as stiff to others. In the past a couple of people criticized me for sharing my personal information with others, but this stemmed from some pretty pesky religious organizations that focused a hypothetical microscope on its members' specific actions and interactions, yet only to be subject to criticism. But many of these groups I used to spend time with have been known to project psychological pain, so I know better than to hang with such toxic people, which I am a few years removed from now. Just hope that these people's toxicity don't carry over into future friendships. For the most part especially after gaining composure after ridding myself of toxic friends, I'm like a textbook revealing general info in the beginning and then getting deeper later on. Again idk. However people say that I'm handsome, I have good tastes in my outfits, and quite a few say they think I'm fun to talk to. Always love hearing from you

Darkness: Don't worry about your post friend, I'm not easily offended, so you certainly won't get hate from me. I appreciate and value your insight, which is discussed in a very articulate and honest fashion. I dig people like you with such qualities. I'm pretty active since I walk to classes and hike when I get the chance, but of course I could always have improvement with making time to stay fit. I think you make a very valid point with confidence and charisma. There very may well be an air of unattractiveness with my tendencies to overanalyze situations and be self-conscious. I've also ran into some people who have made me feel less-than-great just simply for the fact I'm not coupled up yet. As the cliche goes how can one love another when they can't love themselves? But like you say, I guess I need to take a chill pill and start small so I don't blast women's clingyness radar.

Also like to give a shout out to mote.of.soul, who is always of great help and good spirit as well. You've hit the nail on the head with many of my issues. I fear that sometimes people will think I am a monster if I reveal a more authentic and honest self, and that is a possible explanation to my generally cautious nature. I guess though like with people I mentioned earlier who I used to consider my friends in college, their egos just seemed like they couldn't be contained. In the real world though, I guess being myself, including the occasional awkward moment, is more than just a saying thrown around all the time. We all have our own unique sets of skills and weaknesses. As Smokey Robinson sings in the oldie but goodie "Ooo Ooo Baby Baby", we're only human, including women, so mistakes are just part of our greater human nature. With your calling to accept myself so I can love others has lifted my spirits, and these words, along with everyone else's here, are just what my anxious and weary mind need. Thank you for making my heart happier with your kind words!

In the real world though, I guess being myself, including the occasional awkward moment, is more than just a saying thrown around all the time. We all have our own unique sets of skills and weaknesses.

I like this. I got badly damaged as a child, so relating with people can be brittle, there is a brittle place buried and waiting to leap out at me. By contrast, I have friends who are supported in their families and who exude charisma but who are lazy and messed up in other ways.

College is a place where everyone is experimenting, playing power games and by nature artificial and un-easy. Also, like you say there is stuff that has to be done if you want/ need a good qualification.

Is there a place inside you who can drop the insecurities and reach out for a few moments of joy and fun each day - let the light in? Personally I feel out of place where I live currently - have a zillion acquaintances - but I have learned that there are as many social environments as there are different types of people. One baby step at a time... hugs!!

Thank you for lumping an entire gender into a group that is out to get you. We need more people to lump us together as a gender and not let us be individual.

Re-read what you have written. Does that sound like it comes from someone who wants to show women kindness? I mean no offense but you have decided that as a gender we have nothing better to do than think about men we want to demolish.

Agreed, I read the statements and got the same impression. First problem is generalizing the fact that you' haven't had any luck finding the right woman for you as the whole of the population of women being against you. Perception matters a lot here, and if you globalized individual events and lump the women involved together as if there is a conspiracy to hurt you, you're already losing the game.

Others have had some good advice but aside from how you go about meeting women, I think that the foundational principle here would be to change your tendency to generalize things. because one woman rejects you or is not interested, does not mean the other billions do too. heck, if 10 women in a row do the same thing still is a micro percentage of the whole population of women. Treat each individual situation as it is, an individual situation and person you met.

Seems like you're having bad luck with this area? You're not alone, and dating, meeting the opposite sex, finding the one that is right for you is a challenge in and of itself, and for everyone on this earth. It's not you, it's a fact of life that meeting the best mate for you is not ever an easy task. The sooner you accept that it's not going to be easy the sooner you'll be able to take on the challenge and do it without beating yourself up every time that it doesn't happen.

Hope this helps.

Hey bro don't feel bad. I'm going on 28 and I've never had a serious relationship. Closest thing I had was a 4 month fling with a girl I met on Facebook.

I understand all too well

I think this comment was rather uncalled for.

Acting this way might reinforce OPs feelings about women.

Not all of us are fortunate enough to find love at a young age like you did anyways. Some of us have to work for it.

if you feel that someone has been offensive or argumentative please use the report function instead of calling them out in the main thread where many times it will end up in an argument that diverges from the original intent of the thread.

Whatever.

I agree. This is a support forum, and I know DazedandConfused has the utmost best intentions in what he writes, and he is also one of the most supportive and sweetest members I've met here and I enjoy seeing him pop up here and there on my end of the computer screen.

I can tell you're a gentleman ((DazedandConfused)), you're gonna find the right girl, she's out there.

PS a true gentleman is a rare thing. I'd suggest watching some of the old black and white classics, see how they dress and act and how they flirt and woo women. It's old-fashioned, but a lot of women still chase after the image of the proper well-dressed gentlemen...I absolutely swoon over a guy who opens the car door for me. Some guys complain us women don't like the "nice guys"...that's not true. We don't like guys who act nice to us and think we owe them something for being nice.

My advice Dazed is to be yourself, but to also learn what kind of woman you want by your side. Don't chase after every single girl, it's okay to be selective. I've dated enough guys to know the right guy for me from the wrong guy...and I still make mistakes. I just turned 26 and even though I've never been in a relationship, I've dated enough guys to see if the guy I date is right or wrong for me.

there are - in my experience - REAL ways that external social situations, such as college life, cause pain and disempower genuine relating. we need to acknowledge this is painful. not knowing how to get what I need relationally IS painful.

I admire your courage in writing about this with such honest pain!!!

I wonder, for myself, whether persevering and desensitising myself to being frustrated socially is one way forward. That we support each other by acknowledging that this IS painful. That I get through difficult social situations by acknowledging my pain within myself, and then also acknowledging the drive to live fully inside me.

Also I wonder if you could ask those girls in the coffee shop what they look for in a man. That might be a chance for you to explore more about what they know about relating. Asking questions is a good form of reality testing!!!

Good idea.

Also, something I've been doing more of and some advice that could probably help OP develop social skills is practicing approaching women and starting conversations with them in low pressure environments, such as conversing with cashiers at coffee shops and stores. You can practice the waters without having to worry in places like this because you are unlikely to ever see the people again unless it's somewhere you frequent. That way if you screw up there are virtually no downsides. Plus, if you start to do well socially, you can potentially make an employee's day since most cashiers, waiters, and people in retail/customer service have to deal with rude and hateful customers daily.

At least this method has been helping me get over some of my social awkwardness.

It’s a good idea to ask female friends what they are looking for in a man but I’d not ask strangers in a coffee shops. If a man I don’t know cane up to me and ask that question, I’d freak out

I wasn't trying to be mean, I guess I get sensitive when I am lumped into one general group.

It's cool didn't think you were.

I didn't want to involve admins or use the report feature because I figured you meant well and didn't see a need to put you through more needless stress.

But yeah, I used to generalize a lot and I used to have a lot of anger towards women due to how many women hurt me in my life. It took me a long time to grow out of that thinking. Even now I sometimes struggle with wanting to return to being that way when women hurt/reject me but I'm getting better at controlling it.

Didn't know if OP was similar or anything but I used to be sensitive to comments like that. It's all good though

Whats up PC! I know its been a crazy long time since looking at this thread again and sorry that I got lazy with it but I was out of the country so I didn’t have much internet access.

saidso: Big shout out to you for reading me like a book. As I’ve had a fair share of bad social situations in college, I’ve had to learn the hard way that college students are pretty shallow. This has suppressed my ability to readily trust others and become quite contemptuous toward people who are more extroverted (I have both extrovert and introvert tendencies) than I am, and who expect me to be perfect socially and completely extroverted. Thanks for your understanding and for supporting me!

sarahsweets: I understand that you weren’t trying to be mean, I already determined that to be true when I first found your response. In fact your responses have helped me if I had to say anything about it. I think it has served has served as a reality check, and has reminded me how unnecessarily tainted my view of people has become, and that I should not project this attitude on future relationships.

LiteraryLark: Thank you so much for being your kind and supportive self like always! You always find a way to make me warm and fuzzy Its responses like yours that make me all the more grateful I found you on PC. I am a huge fan of classic movies, which they are classic for a reason. How can anybody not love those movies with the greats like Cary Grant or Jimmy Stewart? They have served as a model for me in the courtesy department. Thank you also for enjoying me for who I am and telling me that nice guys don’t finish last!

Darkness: Thank you for supporting me and sticking with me thus far on this thread! I really appreciate your understanding and your helpful and honest tips. Just like the people who have helped me on this thread you have seemed to read my mind. I’ve become pretty cynical in recent times, so it has seemed natural for me to go right into defense mode and make broad sweeping assumptions about people. It’s a big part of my anxiety. Anxiety, whether it just makes someone jittery or erupts into GAD can really play with a person’s mind. But you’ve been encouraging in relating to my experience, and giving me hope to maybe start working on changing these thought patterns. Glad to find people who are similar situations to remind me I’m not crazy.

all four billion? you have met an been rejected personally by all of them.? That is a massive over generalisation and does not even belong in a coherent sentence

Well I am a female that guys hated for existing when I was younger. I got over it. You will as well. The "one" is out there for you.

I sure hope thats the case, that is if I'm even good enough. Most of the time I don't think that's the case because people are just too picky.