does this make me a bad girlfriend?!

the cats chewed through the printer cord. thats it. and me not being mad about the cats chewing through the cord makes me, apparently, a horrible person. this is what he turned this into:

-i dont want kids because theyre expensive but i want pets (i tried to explain to him that kids are more than 10 times the cost of pets and he wouldnt shut up)
-i love the pets more than him
-i want him to work extra so we can have the pets even though it means i dont see him

ok this and the mouse are the only 2 things the cats have broken. thats it. maybe a combined 50 bucks. but i guess thats the reason he has to work 2 jobs? for 50 bucks. he is making me feel bad for not getting mad about this. i told him that typically as long as no one gets hurt i really dont care what breaks. i make sure that in the process of chewing they didnt get electrocuted or something. if not then im fine. but he doesnt even think about stuff like that. they could be in shock from something and all he would say is "well we dont have money for the vet bill". doesnt that sound kind of heartless?

i feel like if i were in a car accident he would say "well we cant afford a new car" not "are you okay!?"

i see our pets as a part of our family and he hates them. the only one he likes is the oldest cat and he exampts her from everything. he gets mad about the blinds breaking, then i tell him that hera (the oldest) did it and he doesnt get mad. if i told him that hera was the one to chew through the cord he would calm down.

i dont get it. it really makes me mad that money controls his mood. he acts like i dont bring home just about half the income.

what bugs me even more is that last semester i was working about 45 hours a week (and still am) and still managed to get a 4.0 going to school full time. this semester i think ill have a 3.75. and i didnt complain at all! i even asked him if i complained and just didnt realize it and he said no. so i just dont get why its okay for me to do it but when hes working a lot its like the world is coming to an end.

im steaming right now and had to vent. sorry it was so long.

I agree with you 100%. I'm working hard to learn that living beings are, at all times (even when they "misbehave") more important than things.

When my husband complains about something and has trouble understanding any other viewpoint, I just figure out how to "fix" things to his satisfaction. Tomorrow, go buy another cable and he has to stop griping?

Oh saluki... I'm so sorry. Being absolutely devoted to my pets myself, I understand how much that would hurt.

But, the pets are not part of your (plural) family if he hates
them...

But you know, there are SO many issues involved in your post that I think it will be more clear to you once your steam clears and you can work through the issues one by one. Right now, the issues seem very scrambled together even though the most likely scenario is that many of them are unrelated; just coincidental.

hang in there - we're listening.

no because then hell complain about how much the cable costs. i told him i was going to donate to the humane society of the united states cause its been a while and he said "i dont think we have the money to donate to anything". like come on.... its a charity thats working towards harsher punishments on factory farms that abuse their animals. but we dont have a spare 10 dollars?

i used to donate to the aspca every month (18 bucks which isnt much but its all i could afford every month) and he would get mad. just amazes me how selfish he can be. and he somehow turns that selfishness around in his brain to not being selfish. he turns into me being selfish because i want pets. and turns his selfishness into "sorry i want to spend time with my girlfriend" (you know how they say it). and he makes it sound like hes working a lot to be able to spend money on us but i hate spending money on us. and he blames the pets while im sitting here on my laptop, with his computer in the other room, a huge apartment, 3 t.v.s, direct tv (with nfl sunday ticket) in every room, land line and dsl internet. and those are apparently all necessities to him. but pets arent even though its been proven that having a pet can lower blood pressure and help you live longer.

it's hard to tell because of how mad you are right now, but it sounds as though you two have drastically different values and priorities. Neither one is better or worse than the other, but they are clearly different.

I don't think it makes you a bad girlfriend, but perhaps you are an incompatible girlfriend FOR HIM...

I'm not dooming your relationship - I hope it doesn't come out that way - but it's something to think about. I do realize that you're venting right now and that there are probably tons of things that you love about him.

lmo - you are so right. and i try to tell him this but he doesnt believe me. he seems to think that all our problems stem from outside sources like working a lot or going to school etc..

i said to him "dont you ever think that maybe the reason we fight isnt because of money, its because of us?" and he totally ignores that. i know you shouldnt try to change the one youre with but i dont feel like hes even the same person. he is turning into his father and that scares the crap out of me.

sorry if i offend anyone, but his dad is a total right wing republican. and republicans and i dont typically get along. his dad grew up in a lower middle class family like me but now that he has money he thinks he needs to play the part. hes at a country club playing golf, going on business trips, buying corvetts -the whole deal. and money is everything to this guy. he is stingy and complains about everything and acts like he forgot what it was like to be working class. he forgot what working in the food service was like and now is that customer that we all cant stand who asks to change his table after we sit him (anyone who has worked in a restaraunt knows that its so aggravating when you sit someone and they want another table).

well i feel like thats who he is turning into. he has lost all his compassion and his heart. and thats what i loved about him. he had passion about things and now he doesnt. he has passion about money.

i have asked him to go to the animal shelter with me and volunteer on a day to see what these animals go through and he doesnt want to. hed rather sit at home and watch football. he has gone with me once to clean the cat cages at petco (another thing we do for the humane society) but didnt do anything. he didnt want to volunteer at the soup kitchen in dayton on thanksgiving. he didnt want to go to my rally about reproductive rights so i went alone.

he didnt have to work for anything growing up and i feel like thats the reason hes like this. i lived out of my car, was in an abusive relationship, went through multiple divorces, ive been raped etc... but that is totally alien to him. so im very active in my community especially in womens groups and animal shelters. but he just doesnt have an interest.

he said "maybe if it effected me directly i would be more interested" so i said. okay, when they start chipping away at roe. v. wade and close down planned parenthoods across america that doesnt just affect women who want abortions, it effects women who only want pap smears, mammograms or any other preventative medicine. that includes me.

i just dont get what happened to him. hes becoming the type of person i hate. obsessed with money and not caring about others, the environment, anything....

I'm so, so, SO sorry... you're probably in a lot of pain over this. My thoughts are with you...

But one thing that stands out in your posts about this so far is that even though I love my pets more than my life, it does sound as though you're pushing your "causes" onto him and that could make anyone resentful. He probably feels as though there is no way that he could ever prove to be as charitable as you are, and it makes him feel inadequate, and perhaps he doesn't cope well with his own feelings of inadequacy. I don't know either of you -- it's just a hunch.

i never thought about it like that. what could i do about that though? cause then if he doesnt like to do them or want to help me i feel like he doesnt want to take an interest in things i like. he is going back to school for a second bachelors, this time in journalism, with a focus on sports media. and i watch all the football games, keep up on players, watch basketball(ugh) lol etc... so it feels like im making an effort to be interested in what hes interested in but hes not doing the same.

i understand the animal shelter thing because if hes around more than a couple dogs at once he wont stop sneezing for several minutes.

i wouldnt want to stop my activism though? ive been trying to find something he would be interested in so that we could do that together.

that actually makes a lot of sense. especially lately. our area i so small that getting a real job is very hard. he feels like a failure for not using his degree yet (which isnt his fault at all cause he has turned in probably over 2 dozen apps and resumes). he knows now that he jerked around in college and feels like a failure for not doing as well as i do.

you think that maybe feeling inadequate to me is causing all this resentment and all these bad moods hes having towards me?

now i feel bad i hope i dont push my success in his face. i dont try to but when you live together you cant hide things like grades and doing charities. i think once he goes back to school and feels like hes doing something with his life hell feel better about himself.

thank you so much lmo. youve calmed me down and really helped me through this to see his side.

You know, you and I are a lot alike. I have a very successful career, get great grades when I'm in school, I spend about 15 hours a week on nonprofit work, and it feels like an ethical responsibility to me to contribute to charities every year. I make being responsible look easy. My husband has never had the self confidence for a career outside of retail, struggles in school barely pulling off Cs and Ds despite trying hard and being brilliant, and neither volunteers nor makes contributions - it's just not that important to him. He has a lot of interests that take up his time (mostly outdoor sports like snowboarding, mountainbiking, skateboarding) but after the first year or two with him, I stopped participating in his interests altogether. It doesn't mean I'm not interested, but I just have my own interests and we've learned to respect that about each other. He definitely has had to work hard at feeling good about himself and to stop comparing his progress to mine, but it was very rough for a number of years. With enough therapy, he's doing much better with it, which is the only reason I'm reading some of this stuff into your situation.

I think finding some mutual interests would be a good idea, rather than you keeping tabs on the compromises. But maybe don't try too hard - if what we're suspecting is true, then he may be giving all he can at the moment...

thanks. that makes a lot of sense. he has also made jokes, what i thought were jokes, about how i play piano, guitar, bass, trumpet and sing and he has no musical talent. but maybe only part of that was joking. it comforts me to know that you and your husband went through the same thing and did okay. we do have similar interests but typically those interests cost money which we dont have a lot of. and it seems like our schedules are always so backwards.

but my mom is helping us out with half our rent during spring semester so we can save up some money so that hopefully next fall we wont have to work so much. because i remember when we first moved down here and neither of us had a job we spent like 3 weeks filling out apps and for those 3 weeks it was like we were in heaven just being around each other all day.

im going to make him some banana bread so maybe hell be more likely to talk about it lol. (i was told to add more chocolate chips this time).

thanks again. you really made me feel better about everything.

I'm glad, Saluki. Good luck. I love banana bread (with chocolate chips!)

yeah we made it the other day and smashed up a banana and put chocolate chips in it. and in about ohhhh 2 days its all gone lol. chocolate chips are what make the bread, man!

i dont care what it is, chocolate chips make it better.

you said it, sister! I love zucchini bread with chocolate chips, too. Sounds like a weird combo, but still...

oh my gosh i love zucchini bread. my mom makes it for me whenever we come home for holidays and brought me some on my birthday when they came down. i never thought that i would like zucchini bread because i hate zucchinis but man that stuff is awesome.

weve developed an interest in cooking lately. luckily he likes helping me lol. and its so cute when he wants something that i make for him but he tries to make it himself. then he comes into the living room with it on a plate and a sad face and ill just say "do you want me to make it for you?" and he just nods with his little puppy dog eyes lol

Well, it sounds like I missed my opportunity to be a comforting friend. At least I hope I'm picking up on happy light hearted Saluki. I'm going to run with that assumption and I'm so glad you're feeling better.

Cyran0

y'know you guys can call me jess or jessica or any of the other million nicknames i have lol. (jo, josephine, josie, jose.... i dont know where the jo theme came from but it stuck in 7th grade and still hasnt gone away).

yeah i more feel bad rather than light hearted. i feel bad for yelling at him. not that i yelle, but that hes at work until at least 11 p.m. so i have to wait til he get home to talk to him. and ive been waiting so long already. i left at 730 this morning then i get off at 430 and he goes to work at 5 and gets home at 1130. then i have class from 8-6 and he doesnt get home til 8. then thursday i work 730-430 at my first job and 5-10 at my second job. so i basically dont see him until friday. this happened every week. then saturdays he works 7-3 at one job while i work 10-6 and then he works 5-1130. so when we fight there is only like an hour window to resolve it.

((((((salukigirl/jess/jessica/jo/josephine/josie/jose))))))

well we talked last night and it was really easy because he was apologizing and so was i. there was no yelling at all. and lmo- i talked to him about maybe feeling bad about me doing well in school and charity etc.. and he said that the thought hasnt really entered his mind. he said its not because he feels inadequate, its beause we jsut have entirely different views on money. when i have extra money i would rather donate it, when he had extra money he would rather go on a vacation. so i guess were going to try and split it from now on.

he didnt say anything about me donating to the humane society. and he said that he knows its stupid to get mad because i didnt get mad (that sounds like it makes no sense).

he also admitted to me that he loves all the pets but he loves hera more because when we went to the shelter he stood at the cages and she was the only kitten to come up to him and meow her head off and go crazy over him. so he feels like they had a connection that the others didnt have with him but he also said its getting better.

so hopefully the next time something like this happens we can both make a conscious effort to not totally blow up and get defensive.

thanks guys.

Hey, LMO, great insight!

My husband and I have different interests too but we're also equally indifferent :-) a few of the same like RVing and boating (have to, live on the water :-) but our personalities get in the act too.

My husband, if he decides to do something, studies it and works hard at learning how to do it well and then does it well and consistently. I, on the other hand, am a true dilettante :-) and though I can do things well I am lazy and often don't follow through or think things through. The example I use for myself is when he spilled his milk once and how he spent 10 minutes cleaning the carpet well (I was amazed) whereas I would have gotten paper towels and soaked up as much as I could have in 30 seconds and been done with it :-)

So, even though we do the "same" activities our level of investment is different. That's okay with both of us though, we do what we "can" because we like doing it together.

LOL...Perna...I love the "spilt milk" story! I am much like you.
Saluki....I love that you are musical, playing instruments. Do you sing also? Write songs? Does your boyfriend appreciate your talent and interest in music?
It sounds like you both are working toward resolving your differences. If you both really love each other, then, I hope it works out!
I have three cats...who've detroyed all my mini blinds, and I bought Roman shades to replace them so they can no longer indulge themselves in their destructive play at the windows. (The Roman shades were the cheapest kind thru JCPenney.)
It does concern me about your differences on money issues. That can be a real stopping point in relationships. I was married to a man for 20 years who never agreed with me on how to spend money. I always felt stifled...he was so stingy.
Patty

yeah i do basically a little bit of everything. i was in a band when i was between 13-15. not just a little crappy band, like we got paid to play shows so technically i was a professional musician lol. music was always a huge part of my dads life. he taught my brother to play guitar and we were surrounded by music growing up. him, not so much.

he tries to get me to sing all the time for him but im too embarassed. in front of a huge crowd you cant make out faces so who cares if they dont like me. but if he doesnt like it?! i would flip. he has heard me play guitar and piano though. i dont have my bass or trumpet anymore though.

a big problem of his has been that he doesnt speak his mind when it comes to money issues. so when i wanted to adopt a dog, he didnt want to but didnt say a word about it. same thing with the cats. so now we have 4 pets and he didnt want them but its just now coming out. and if he would have brought it up we would have compromised. he is getting much better about talking though. i told him that im crazy so if sometimes i just start yelling and wont let him talk that he has to tell me to shut up. i think hes only done that twice lol

he has a lot of confidence issues that bring out a lot of other problems. but he says ive made him be much more confident. and as he is gaining confidence our problems get smaller and less frequent. we have already talked about major issues like a house and kids or a car etc... and the big things we agree on.

Saluki, I guess that's good that you agree on the big things.

I read your last post, and I so identified with you. My dad was a gifted musician, and I grew up listening to him. I took his guitar and taught myself to play....then went off to college, playing and singing in coffeehouses during the late 60's/early 70's. I also had a band in high school, and we rocked! But when it came to playing and singing in front of any man I dated, I declined. What's that about? I think I lacked confidence, and I gave it up after college, grieving for my music for many years, and even marrying a man who had no appreciation of music whatsoever.

I want to encourage you to pursue your dreams. It sounds like you are young. You don't have to "settle," you know, not in any shape or form. I am age 57 now, and I have been divorced for 11 years. Only now am I regaining my own persona, after relinquishing it for all these years for the sake of romance~! LOL. It don't have to be that way!
Love
Patty