Blew up at married man

Just looking for advice. I was on my second affair with the same married man. I fell in love the first time and had a hard time getting over it. It never officially ended but I know he found someone else. I went a year without seeing him and then we recently reconnected online a few months ago. I was so into him I was at the point where I didn't even care if he was married, I would take crumbs, and I knowingly started seeing him again knowing he was probably still seeing the other woman.

Anyhow recently I started getting repulsed by him without going in to detail. I never believed anything he said to me (the first time around I believed it) and I even started lying. I was almost pretending to be into him just to keep him around for when I wanted him. A few weeks ago I logged into a cheating website and saw him on there but didn't tell him I saw him. Then a few days ago we were supposed to meet. I told him I didn't know if I could meet. Then he said "I think I'll survive without seeing you, but barely!" So I replied back "well, thats good because you will never F$% me again!"

I immediately blocked him so I wouldn't be able to read any of his replies. then I went to to cheating site and send him a picture of me with my middle finger up. Then I erased everything! I even erased all the other men that I chat with from time to time.

Now, I am kind of regretting it. I always seem to blow up at people i hold things in and then I burst. This is exactly what happened the last time we had affair. I saw him online and flipped out and he made it look like I "always thinks he with others". I go back and forth. I am glad I did the ending and feel good about that. But part of me wants to apologize for my behavior.

I am glad we started seeing each other again. It actually helped me move on believe it or not. I see his true colors now. I still do like him and many things about him and that part hurts. If I do message him I can't bear to read what he might say back to me.
My goal was to keep this going just so I had someone I actually liked and had chemistry with to kiss. I am also very lonely.
I may feel better if at some point i say I am sorry about it but Idk what to do?

Hi DanceEngine. You didn't reply to my last post. I was the only one who replied to your last thread. I say this with compassion... do you feel better? Do you feel resolved now about this situation? Now that it's ending more on your terms? Again with compassion, while I understand wanting things to end on your terms, I think you have a lot of growing up to do. And a lot of learning about how to be on your own, taking care of yourself and improving your life without a married man in your life. You CAN improve your life, all on your own and without a man. I do hope you at least feel better, and I am hoping this is received Ok.

I hope you practice safe sex. But I’d still see a doctor just to be safe. This guy might be spreading who knows what, it’s a big price to pay for a little bit of fun.

Not sure what you want to apologize here for. He sleeps around so I doubt he gave your middle finger much thought.

Focus on getting yourself in to a better place. Don’t worry about him.

Thank you for responding. I am not sure I feel better. Since its on my terms yes but I am not sure I am any better. I cried a few times but this is no way near as bad as last time. I am more wondering what he replied to my kik (which I deleted) and to my phone, if he even did send texts to my phone. part of me wants him back. But even if I did contact him I'm not sure he would even want me back. I go back and forth with this.

I would be apologizing more to make me feel better. Like if you tell someone you forgive them you feel a weight lifted off you. I wouldn't ask him to forgive me I don't think but... not really sure what I would say. But I would hate to read any replies.

He's like a drug for you to fill the void you feel within yourself and within your life. You will never feel full by involving yourself with a man in this way. You will always be dissatisfied. Best to build a life of your own that makes you happy and fulfilled. Then you find the right man.

you don't know what to do? really?

stop seeing married men, get yourself tested to make sure you are not carrying diseases, delete all the accounts, get into therapy and get your life in order.

what can you possibly accomplish with dating married men? real happiness? I doubt it. sounds like setting yourself up for a lifetime of crappy endings. he is a loser for cheating but honestly you are no better knowing it and doing it. truth.

I do not think getting together with him the first time was wise let alone a second time. What excuse did he give you for cheating on his spouse?

does it really matter what excuse he gave? I mean really...what could he possibly say that would justify it? she's ugly, got a poor personality, cheap, snores? what? aand that makes it ok? not once but twice

it's his wife. the one who HE is supposed to be faithful to...doesn't matter he is cheating, and by participating in that well (2x no less) doesn't bode well your her own personal standards. she blew up at him..really kind of calling the pot black. in my opinion neither one is of stellar groundwork. I think neither one gets a free ride in thgis case.

@resurgam

Bravo! Couldn’t have said it better myself.

@DanceEngine7, please..... coming from a woman whose exhusband had an affair, don’t be that woman that inflicts a pain so deep on his wife that the scars will take forever to heal.

It sounds like the specific issue you are addressing is whether or not to apologize for blowing up at him.

I certainly can relate to feeling terrible at blowing up at someone. And to wanting to clear the air.

You are concerned that if you reestablish contact he might say harsh things to you. Another concern though is that he might try to reestablish contact with you. It sounds like you see him in his true light and know not to go back to him. But on the other hand he is tempting and you are lonely.

Thus, it is risky to apologize. Dangerous.

What are other methods you might use to handle negative feelings, regrets?

Maybe you could sit with them, just look at them and listen to them.

Maybe you could weaken them through something like exercise, community service.

Maybe you could heal yourself by studying anger management. Thich Nhat Hanh has a good book about it:

https://www.amazon.com/Anger-Cooling...r+thich&sr=8-1

These are just ideas, but my belief is that dealing with regret over blowing up by having a plan that does not involve contacting him will be healthier and safer than apologizing to him.

I have not done anything yet.

I don't expect people to understand this. Yes, it is messed up. But you don't live in my shoes. I am at the point where I am so messed up that when I think about trying to find a single guy I feel bored and I have no desire to do so. I have depression, social anxiety, very low self esteem (zero actually) and am very lonely. Every one in my life throws me aside and treats me like crap my entire life. My parents really messed me up bad. They have no clue how bad I am.

I am trying to make changes but it is very hard when you are exhausted all the time, around negative people on a daily basis and are severely depressed. And when you are lonely you will take whatever you can get to get by. And yes, he is probably like a drug to me. it gives me something while my life sucks.

Why would a single man make you bored? If you’re lonely wouldn’t any interesting man suit, including single men?

so honestly, why did you post to begin with? you are right we don't live in your shoes...sounds like you really didn't want answers or suggestions of help just people to say "hey good for you!" sorry. I can't go there.

lots of folks have depression social anxiety etc....you know what the right thing is...or you wouldn't be writing here looking for folks to tell you to go ahead & have the affairs. probably ain't gonna happen. but hey no one can make that call but you. perhaps it's time to make the right call.

I am particularly interested in the analogy with drugs.

People who have severe substance use disorders generally have experienced trauma, loss, abuse--a lot of it. They turn to drugs to escape the pain for a time.

Proper treatment of substance use disorder is thus trauma-informed. Good clinicians and their staff understand that there is a history of trauma and they offer compassion and they don't judge. They try to help family members learn to do the same. They help people understand that simply telling someone with these disorders not to use drugs, or attacking them for using drugs, is not a therapeutic or supportive approach.

I don't know if you have undergone therapy, or what type, but I am just wondering if your treatment has been, or could become, trauma-informed. I know there are trauma therapists, but I also wonder if a clinician who has experience treating substance use disorders, or "sex addiction" (Hypersexual Disorder (not in DSM)), could be helpful to you. I understand that those disorders are not exactly what you are dealing with, but the underlying concept--finding ways to escape the traumatic pain from the past--might resonate with them and make them helpful to you.

You know, DanceEngine, not too long ago (a couple years now?) I was in somewhat of a similar position as you, so I can kind of relate to what you just explained about yourself and your life above.

I was living with my parents in my 40's, I was in a horrific job I hated, I had little money, just a few friends but no real social circle to speak of, & I was very, very lonely.

Those factors combined led me to become involved in very abusive and toxic relationships. I took crumbs and accepted crumbs because I felt so desperate for basically anything that would make me feel even remotely better than I was feeling.

I take it that this may be similar to how you feel right now.

What I did do was I got out of those relationships eventually. But I allowed myself to stay for a long time, and longer than I should have, to my own detriment.

I did finally see the light and their true colors, just as you are now seeing this guy's true colors.

The point I'm making is I can understand your position in life and how you may feel right now.

I do hope things can improve for you, but you have to take the necessary steps yourself for improving your lot in life. We cannot remain a victim of our circumstances. We must take action & be proactive to get out of a bad situation we find ourselves in.

This is what I've been encouraging you to do, as many of us have, and I do hope you take some steps to improve your life and your own self esteem.

Have you tried therapy? If not, perhaps that's something to take into consideration?

So sorry that you are struggling DanceEngine. You sound deeply unhappy and that is a really difficult place to be in life. I agree with Iliovar. I think a kind and experienced therapist could really help you. You've tried to let go of the man you were involved with and it didn't work...I think perhaps you need more than sheer willpower...perhaps you would benefit from some thoughtful help and guidance?

For example, some people badly want to improve their diet but no matter how hard they try, they continue to over-eat or eat unhealthy foods. They get stuck in a loop. Or someone dependent on alcohol badly wants to stop drinking but they can't. Along comes a good therapist with some professional strategies and fresh ideas and things start to change because they have support and comfort. I see a parallel with your situation. Does that resonate with you at all? Have you ever tried therapy? If you are currently in therapy or tried it in the past, I recommend finding a new therapist. They are not all of equal experience and skill level.

For what it's worth, I am not judging you at all. People who do judge you are simply playing out their own insecurities....it's not about you, it's about their own unresolved issues. PC is supposed to be a community of support, not moralizing and contempt. You have my empathy and I truly hope that you can find a way to feel better. You are a beautiful being in the Universe. You've just lost your way a bit....we have ALL been there in one way or another. Lost is how we feel right before we find our true path. I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. You deserve it!

Thank you for your comment. You are right when you say you just can't tell someone to stop doing drugs, to snap out of depression, etc.

Yes, you just described my life. thank you for all your responses. I actually need to make changes in all areas of my life....including living arrangements, job, friends, etc.

Thank you for your help. Years ago I tried therapy a few times but it made me feel worse. The way I see it is I need to be around positive people and environments. Going to see a therapist makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do. If that makes sense? For me it is better to get self help books and use online research. (again, I know myself and I don't expect people to understand) I do have some self help books and am working on doing a few pages a day. I am pretty much a hopeless case

Why does therapy make you feel worse? And did you only go to a single therapist? If ever you start considering therapy again, how therapy feels is also something that could be explored with your therapist, along with the other issues in your life.

Also, you mention being around negative people daily, is it not possible to distance yourself from these people?

You are not a hopeless case.

I don't think you sound hopeless at all! Truly. You are candidly sharing your struggles on a support forum....that takes courage and self-awareness....both important foundations for progress. I believe that you are closer to healing than you realize! In my impression, what may be holding you back a bit is lack of trust in yourself. Or am I way off?

Your self-help books and online research sound wonderful. Did you find anything specific about people struggling with an affair or healing from one? I bet there's some good stuff out there....affairs are so common. I often go to the Psychology Today website for helpful articles and tips on issues that bother me.

I have done therapy too and I had both experiences. One made me feel belittled and criticized. The other was wonderful and I made excellent progress with her. My hunch is that if you felt worse when you talked to a therapist, it wasn't a good therapist. Rapport building is so important. I read an article on Psychology Today about how therapy is only as successful as the relationship between therapist and client! So true! It should feel like a partnership, someone in your corner guiding you while honoring your autonomy. It should NEVER feel like a teacher-student or boss-employee dynamic....that is BAD therapy and does happen at times. That said, therapy is not for everyone. I always suggest it because I think at one point it saved my life and I am planning to do it again soon because my depression is gnawing at me again. But I respect your individuality and wishes.

Let us know how we can help you here. Maybe you'd like some links to articles and self-help ideas....so at least you don't feel alone in your struggle?

There are several people here who care about you and want to help. Does that bring you any comfort or hope DanceEngine?