I have trust issues and don't know how to resolve them

Hey Hope,

It's funny but this is an issue in my relationship too. My boyfriend has MAJOR trust issues and abandonment issues because of years of being cheated on and just left out of the blue. This is a hard issue for me, especially since I am not doing anything wrong and constantly feeling like I am being "accused" and always having to be on the defensive.

He has gotten better about it - but every now and then something we resolved from months ago would come up and tick me off like hell or high water. Not letting go of things is big too.

I guess what I am saying is I empathize - because I am in your husband's situation, (sort of), and what I can tell you is that I won't ever be pushed into cheating because he constantly thinks I am, but I would leave him one day based on that - telling him that hit hard because my argument was "why would I spend my life defending myself from the person I love?" That really made a dent but doesn't help his insecurities. I am lucky in the fact that he doesn't snoop, care about my phone, or show up at my house unannounced. He even respects my privacy when we spend time apart. I guess it will become more intense when we get married, but I have managed to deal with most of it thus far.

I am worried about the credit card and the kiss your husband didn't mention. But omitting things is so commonplace in relationships, even though the credit card thing is pretty bad.

I hope you get a new therapist soon. And if you guys are still fighting, like others have said, step back for a while, don't let it escalate too much - regrets happen.

Thank you for your story and the reality check. I don’t want to push him away. I love him. I feel so stupid.

May I suggest something different?

A perspective change. Speaking just for me, I have control over no one but me.
I think that people sometimes cheat. Even people who are in love. I am as vulnerable as you are to those fears. But I have decided to accept that if that were to happen. If my husband were to cheat. I will see it as his lack of integrity.
I will decide what I will do if that happens. It is not about me but it will require a decision on my part. I have told him what I will do and that is all I can control.

I be
May leave or may not. I will however lose respect for him and things will never be the same. In the meantime enjoy. Hoping always for the best. Ask him to show you by being transparent.

I wish you all the happiness you deserve.

I love that perspective! In fact, I’ve tried to think what I’d do. It wouldn’t be the end. Just the end of my relationship. He knows this too.

We got over our fight it seems. We’re hanging out now.

Thank you.

Divine, and Open Eyes, we did take a step back. Thank you. We do love each other.

Well, we got through the night Ok, we ended up having some amount of fun, but I really screwed up the other day.

I can't talk specifics because it's far too embarrassing, but I did something that has negatively effected a few people, including my husband, he's angry with me, and now I've pushed him away.

I really worry I am going to ruin my marriage. He says it even effects our sex life when I get worried and start questioning him. But he's always on his phone, the moment he gets home to the moment he goes to bed. We cuddle while watching tv and he's on his phone, but I get freaked by it.

I have got to get a handle on my trust issues. I've never pushed anyone away like this before. I've never been this bad before. My imagination goes wild, when it's not reality. I've got to get a grip!!! The last thing I want is to push my husband away from me, resulting in a divorce simply because I'm imagining the worst. It's really bad, and I feel out of control. Last night it seemed like this is the last straw.

I need a therapist. I don't even want to talk to my old therapist about this. I am so ashamed.

I'm talking to my sister in law right now by text. She is sooooo incredibly sweet.. She is telling me that my husband loves me very very much, which is reassuring. That helps. I just need to make things up to everyone I effected negatively. What a mess I made. What a jerk I am.

But I feel sick over this. I feel all screwed up.

I don’t know what you did and how bad is it but I don’t see how YOU are ruining your marriage.

Your husband is on the phone the minute he walks in until he goes to bed. He is even on the phone when watching tv or cuddling? Not saying he is up to no good on the phone (although it’s very possible) but what the heck, when is he communicating to you or does anything useful at home?

His phone needs to be put away or It might have to go to trash (not really but it’s aggravating). Not saying he needs to be attached to your hip but at the very least he needs a hobby.

It’s alarming that he does all kind of insane things and you are the one to blame for reacting to it. Sure you should control your reactions but when we are pushed to the edge we end up reacting, perhaps inappropriately. Don’t know if you have “trust” issue. I think you might have “husband” issue.

I have no doubt he loves you. But if love was enough divorce rate would be 0%. Everyone marries for love. That’s not unique. He needs to do more than profess his love though.

I agree that you might set some boundaries with the phone. Perhaps you might ask him to help .you with your fears by losing you access to his texts and being with you away from the phone?

Think a out what might help and ask for it. You are in this together. I'm sure he has flaws too. Tell him that you need reassurance. You should not have to white knuckle. If he is secretive on his phone that is a problem. This is a problem for both of you to solve. Instead of him saying you are pushing him away ask him to help you? Just a thought.

The phone issue is easy to fix. “We are hanging out (insert doing household chores, eating or doing XYZ), please put your phone away, honey, I want your undivided attention”. If he insists being on the phone after you ask him to put it away, then it’s a serious concern. What does he say when you tell him about his phone?

When he is accusing you of having trust issue, tell him “you lie, use my finances without permission, and are all day on the phone, flirt when we are out etc. So yes I have issue with your actions and it causes me to not trust you”

He makes it “your” trust issue.

It is not unreasonable to ask for boundaries with the phone. Some people don't get on the phone after 7 pm for example or during and after dinner. It sounds like he is never fully present with you.

I wonder how rampant this media distraction is. We have the same issue. I’m embarrassed to admit it’s always the TV on AND the phone internet surfing. Gosh, if we had to turn off the electronics we’d have to interact with each other and we have nothing to say! We have no hobbies. There’s nothing to do around the house. This is one of the huge issues for us, too.

Thanks everyone for your support and input!

I did ask him to talk to me more when we’re just hanging out watching tv and cuddling. He plays this Star Wars game which is his hobby. I surf the web or come on the forums so it’s not like he’s the only one immersed in something else. But yes I’d say he is a bit addicted. I will try to bring it up again when it happens again. I would like more of his attention sometimes. Not always, but sometimes.

And yes I do feel like it’s my trust issue that’s causing problems. He hasn’t helped matters by not always being fully upfront. But I’m paranoid because of my past and that does cause problems and arguments. I don’t think he’s doing anything he shouldn’t be. He says he isn’t so I’m going to try and trust him at his word. At least from this point onwards. I have to. But I know it's going to be a struggle for me inwardly, at all times.

We’ve also talked about him needing to always be honest with me. So there’s that. He's agreed to be 100% upfront with me about everything. The credit card thing was several months ago, and that was the last time he wasn't upfront.

It sounds like the issue you are having with trust is getting worked on in a positive way, and will hopefully improve.

Thanks to this thread, we unplugged for an hour and played a board game as a family. It was bonding and healthy...then back to electronics, but it’s a start. I recommend this to you, too, HH...baby steps. Media addiction is an issue tbh.

As a guy, I can't imagine saying that to someone I was married to, and wouldn't have married you in the first place if I constantly thought about darker hair. It seems like a shallow, fickle sentiment, since plenty of women look fine with lighter hair, and personality & character transcend looks over time.

I'd call it a red flag, even if it's been framed as "just being honest," etc. Get him to tell you how important the physical vs. the mental really is. Without knowing subtleties impossible to convey in a text forum, I think your concerns may be valid, especially if he's any sort of smooth-talker or has a profession that requires it. People in sales, for example, can't be fully trusted IMO. Same with those who are big on money this, money that.

Effective liars don't come across as liars, so you have to go with instincts and try to objectively separate him from past instances (the tough part).

Oh, I'm glad you were able to have quality time at home! That's great.

Yes, it's getting worked on at least. I could have done without our fight the other night over it. I truly hope things improve.

I really hope we can get past these issues.

Someone on here brought up the topic of married men having sexual fantasies of sex with other women. My husband tells me he turned off all sexual thoughts for other women when he became committed to me. He views attractive women simply as "people" and as platonic friendships, if he has a friendship with one.

He stopped using porn for me, but I worry that he wants to use it sometimes. He knows it bothers me because it means he's imagining sex with someone else besides me.

Sometimes I feel I should have just remained strictly single and sometimes I feel I don't belong in any kind of committed relationship, including a marriage, because I have SO many hang ups... insecurities, jealousies, & fears of the worst kind of other women. I didn't used to be this way... it comes from a past of being cheated on several times and lied to outrageously by some men.

And what if my husband DOES sexually fantasize or even dream of sex with other women besides me? That thought makes me absolutely crazy. I cannot stand the thought of it, but it creeps into my mind now and again. I don't want him thinking of anyone else but me. And I know it's just not reality. Men are biologically built to have sex with many women and to want to have sex with many women.

How can monogamy even exist in our society, when we are sexual creatures with sexual fantasies? Sometimes I think monogamy is unnatural and forced.

These are my thoughts. I love my husband very very much and I cannot imagine life without him. But sometimes I really think I should have just remained single for the rest of my life. Then I wouldn't struggle with such thoughts that disturb and upset me.

And one thing that is the worst part of it all? IS that women are not built the same as men. We can be fine with monogamy and want that, and men can still want many other women, in their minds.

I don’t know why you think that men want to have sex with many other women. Teens do. Not all grown men.

I know 100% that husband has zero interest in having sex with other women in his mind or in reality. Yes men can be monogamous just like women. It’s a huge stereotype that men want to screw all women. Some do. Some don’t. Same with women. Everyone is different.

If I thought my husband wants other women I’d never marry him. Your husband needs to stop saying and doing ridiculous things and needs to help you to be more secure, not less secure. I can’t imagine any context under which my husband told me what kind of women he prefers, I only know he prefers me, I have no clue what his general preference is. It’s an asinine and unnecessary thing to tell your wife. Not smart.

Stop blaming yourself

I don’t know why he told me he prefers dark haired women. He tells me I’m his preference, his #1. All that dark hair comment did was make me feel insecure. Now he’s paying for it cos I’m paranoid.

Sometimes people just blurt things. If he didn’t mean it to be unkind, just think of it is stupid mishap

Good point and perhaps. Sometimes we all blurt out stupid things.

@AJ1219, he is in sales. He hasn't been 100% upfront with me about everything either, hence my mistrust. When we first met, he said I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He was visibly nervous to talk to me. He tells me how beautiful he thinks I am all the time, but still that comment about preferring dark hair - and dark eyed women - (when I don't have really dark hair, but have dark eyes) still bugs me. I cannot shake it.

Sorry I missed your post before. I was reading from my phone, which makes it harder for me to see all posts.

I know many won't agree with me, but I have no hang-ups about my guy watching porn, I don't know why but I don't. I watch porn. I can't explain it, but sexual fantasies are healthy, and some people enjoy indulging in fantasies on their own or together as a couple. Monogamy, in my opinion, is only unnatural or forced when each person in the couple makes the other person deny the thing that comes to them most naturally, their fantasies. I feel like telling my significant other to only think of me in his mind is crossing a line I shouldn't cross.

I could be dead wrong here, but for me, my fantasies and some of the things that turn me on don't revolve around my partner - and I think that's healthy. I am 100% present with him the bedroom and when he is lying next to me - but sometimes in my alone time? I may dabble in some erotica and porn.

Maybe I'm just different?