I have trust issues and don't know how to resolve them

That’s fine for you and I can respect and appreciate that. Not for me. Many women have issues with their husband or partner watching porn. It's not uncommon. My husband is the one who initiated telling me he stopped thinking of other women is sexual ways. I didn't ask that of him. I only asked him to not watch porn, out of respect for me because I detest it, I find it degrading to women and feel it objectifies women and can influence an intimate relationship negatively.

And there's a huge difference to me between sexual fantasy in terms of concepts and ideas, and actually fantasizing about a specific person one sees or comes across, in real life or on the internet. For me, having fantasies of sex with other people other than your spouse is similar to cheating. I have read a book written by a psychologist who said the same exact thing: that it is a form of cheating. So I personally do not agree with fantasizing about sex with someone else. Why be married? Why be monogamous? Why not be single and have sex with whomever one pleases, if one is going to fantasize about sex with other people? I don't see the point of marriage otherwise. Or of committing to monogamy. Maybe it's not purely "natural" because we are sexual creatures and perhaps monogamy is not entirely natural either, but we certainly can have control over our thoughts, including our sexual thoughts. Some people may disagree with me on this, but I have very strong opinions on this issue, and that is my stance.

I don’t think we can always control fantasies, they just come sometimes uninvited so to speak. It doesn’t mean we want to have sex with other people. We can certainly control use of porn though as turning on your tv or computer is an actual effort. So it’s not subconscious

I disagree and believe that we can control our thoughts, including sexual fantasies. We may feel a natural sexual attraction to someone we meet, but I think we can curb sexual thoughts and fantasies about them and not indulge in them. That's what I'm talking about, is indulgence. Sure, there are attractive people everywhere.... I see attractive men and my husband sees attractive women. Would you want to think your husband is indulging in sexual fantasies about other women? I don't think so. I think you would prefer that he not.

Curbing his thoughts - That would be changing who he is as a person. That is not possible. He is who he is. He is married to you, but he is not your partner. He does not sound like he is your friend.

If you did not find who he was as a person acceptable to you, why did you marry him? I really think it is no use arguing about who is right or wrong now. You can "have" all the standards you want. You are the one not following them. You have to do the difficult thing here. Not whine that you expect it of others.

Im still mad at him for not spending thanksgiving with your family. He knows hes a scoundrel. He cant even face them.

Hi Una! Sorry if I haven't been very clear. Let me make some corrections here. I am not trying to change who he is as a person.. I love him dearly for all that he is.

He knew what i believe in and need from a partner when we first started dating. i made it clear then that porn is a dealbreaker for me within the first several dates. He said he would give it up for me. He also is the one who stated outright to me, without me prodding him, that he no longer would have sexual thoughts about other women. That he is mine and mine alone. That all came from his initiative, not from me trying to change him or control him in any way.

We married because we love each other deeply, we're very compatible partners and we have similar goals and desires in life. We are friends, and we are partners. We're partners in crime, lol. We're kind of like two comfy peas in a pod a lot of the time.

And thanks for being angry on my behalf about Thanksgiving. That was very upsetting for me. He spent Christmas with my family instead and made up for it x 100. He was most charming, outgoing and engaging with my family. They felt better, and I felt better. So at least there's that.

Ultimately, I need to get over my insecurity issues and I am going to really work hard at it now. I was very scared recently that he would leave me as a result, and that was most sobering. It woke me up to my own behaviors and the problems I've been causing for him in our marriage. I need to shape up now.

It honestly seems that you two have unusual amount of problems and fights and issues for a very new marriage. This is absolutely not typical.

You blame yourself for this. Even though it’s good that you don’t accept victim role and take responsibility for some issues, I am sure it’s not all you. I am absolutely sure it’s not just you. So you shaping up will just make you more of a doormat. It won’t change who he is

I kind of agree with una that your husband is who he is and you are who you are. If you two were 20, I’d suggest that you can still change as people. But not in fully developed age. You “made” him to give up who he is, guy who watches porn etc why would you marry someone who needs to be “made” into doing anything? You feel insecure because you married someone who likes flirting and porn and who knows what else and you made him stop, but you can’t fully trust him because deep inside you know who he is. Someone who needs to be made into a fully monogamous person, against his nature. You’ll never 100% trust him and not because of your trust issues. Because of who he is.

You only have two options. Accept that he is who he is and that’s how your marriage will always be. Fights and him being nasty unless you “shape up”. Or you can leave.

You can’t change him. It’s just not a valid option. If you wanted someone more financially responsible, more honest, less secretive, less flirty, not angry and argumentative, more ambitious, more thoughtful etc you’d have to marry a different man. It is what it is

I am not unhappy.. I am in fact happy. Isn’t that what matters? Who said I want to change him? I never said that. Yes we have fights. No it’s not perfect. Who said marriage is easy? No one. I do have trust issues, the main point of this thread. It is my responsibility. He hasn’t been perfect but he’s improving. That takes open communication and compromises, both of which we have and do.. All in all I’d say we have a great marriage. I’m the only one who can determine that. You don’t witness our relationship in person. We’re the most affectionate with each other every single day. Not all married couples are as close as we are.

And honestly? You’re wrong. He IS monogamous. I did not have to convince him to be otherwise. Why am I defending myself or him here? Where are you getting your false ideas and opinions from? Usually I respect your opinions but you’ve turned him into someone he’s just not. I’m not going to continue this conversation. It’s triggering me and it’s upsetting me.

I’m happy in my marriage ok? Please stop judging it.

I didn’t judge anything at all. For the past few weeks you’ve been posting a lot of sad and bad things about your marriage and your husband on multiple threads. You also posted how unhappy you are with things. I go strictly by what you post. But it could be that I misunderstood what you posted. If your marriage is happy and solid and you in fact are in happy marital bliss and there are no issues, it’s excellent. That’s what all of us here wish for you

Thank you. Just because there have been things that have upset me doesn’t mean I’m generally unhappy.

For the record, MOST IF NOT ALL men use or have used porn. My husband used it while sleeping in separate bedrooms from his ex wife for two years. They not only didn't sleep together in the same room, but they had zero sex for two full years. He got used to it. He’s also used it when single as most if not ALL single men do. He even agrees with me that it can have a negative impact on intimacy within a relationship. He willingly gave it up and wanted to. He had no problem with doing so. I did not ask him to change who he fundamentally is. Not one bit. And he’s no porn addict. Never was. He was married for 14 years.

I hope this is now clear.

@Have Hope I think one thing you need to focus on is your husband's addiction to the internet and to porn.

Since your husband used it before in his first marriage, there's no guarantee he's not hiding it from you right now. Do you know if he's on that Star Wars game or is it a porn site, when he's always on his phone?

What does he spend his money on -- like that $150 he spent using your credit card. His addiction to the internet should be a major concern for you. That he can't put his phone down when he should be focused on spending time with you, is concerning.

There's something called IA - "Internet Addiction." I found a study about it. It includes porn addiction in it too. Neuroscience of Internet Pornography Addiction: A Review and Update

There are 3 stage of Internet Addiction:

Stage 1: Binge/Intoxication
Stage 2: Withdrawl/Negative Effect
Stage 3: PreOccupation/Anticipation

I think you may want to separate your finances from your husband. You could always set up a 3rd account where you each "pool" some of your own money together to use for bills or groceries. But I definitely think he's hiding something from you, based on the behavior you describe with his phone addiction and his previous use of porn during his first marriage.

Ok, I thought I made it clear in my last post. My husband is NOT a porn addict. What you're doing is putting MORE fear into my mind by making me worry about things that are NOT EVEN HAPPENING. I have to trust him at his word, He does NOT and WILL NOT use porn, because I have asked him not to. He was NOT a porn addict when we met! For the love of God,

He plays a game on his phone. So what? I don't care. Aren't we all addicted to the internet these days? I am constantly on the internet.

Why are people creating problems in my marriage that don't even exist?

We're fine, all is fine. I am over it. It's all good. And I said that I am happy. I am seriously scratching my head now over the replies on here.

My impression from your thread title is that you struggle with trust and you are just trying to find ways to calm that challenge down. It takes time to build trust in any relationship and it can be harder when a person has experienced being hurt in the past. When we experience a hurt from other relationships, it can make us extra sensitive when trying to be in a relationship without having a deep alarm go off that was created from an experience we had with someone else.

I think you have been trying to point out things with your husband that can trigger you and make you uncomfortable. You really just want to be reassured so you can work on building your person trust.

hello love,
i know everything seems so hard right now and im not here to say it will get better,
i was recently in a relation ship and he promised me forever.
he had a girl best friend and i thought she was very sweet and never gave it a second thought.
he broke up with me and said he was not ready for a relationship but then he dated her the day after.
all im trying to say is that its not bad to have trust issues necisarally.
it makes you aware and helps you to not get hurt again.
when you talk to your husband do not acuse him or confront him just talk to him about it. do not sound upset or sad.
for your husband i would sit him down and tell him this.
i have trust issues. i know its hard for you just as hard as it is for me. but its hard to change. it has nothing to do with you i am just hurt from the last people that hurt me. i want us to work through it and i need your help to do this.i want us to last so please help me get past this.
if he loves you as much as he claims he will be understanding and more than happy to help you.
overall just stay optimistic!
P.S the people that hurt you before are peices of **** dont think about them they dont madder.
i am alwasys here and if you have questions or need to vent please contact me via email it is in my bio on my page.

The dangers of a mental health site . . . lots of armchair therapists. LOL!

I don't see that your husband is anything beyond pretty normal. I don't see him as a porn addict, nor do I even see having used a bit more on your credit card than initially agreed all that alarming since you are married.

I hear you saying you tend to question him probably far more than he deserves due to your own trust issues, and the few things you have brought up are just examples of things that trigger your feelings of distrust -- just examples you were giving.

You do seem to be trying to communicate how you are anxious about your relationship with your husband because you appear pretty insecure about your own ability to just shut down your own admitted paranoia related to trust issues stemming from you past relationships. Is that fairly accurate?

From personal experience: My husband was quite similar in his relationship anxieties at times. As the subject of those suspicions and anxieties, I can say it was a bit maddening at times to feel like I was constantly having to prove myself to him, and I often felt like he wouldn't let me have my own sense of privacy because he seemed to be suspicious of anything I did privately (like just journaling or going to the store alone - totally innocent things).

I would encourage you to avoid any accusations and questioning if you can. Rather than accuse or question (if that is what you tend to do), phrase things from your own perspective - just an example: "I am feeling anxious right now because in the past X used his phone to text with his girlfriend." Stop there. Don't go the step further by adding "and so, are you texting a girl?" That's an accusation and doesn't sit well.

What my husband learned to do was to simply communicate where his anxiety was coming from without adding on the accusations. That opened up a line of conversation between us; he could get his anxiety off his chest, and once he voiced it, he discovered the anxiety subsided. It sometimes is the accusations and invasion of privacy that sets off resentment and anger, so learning how to stay focused on your own trust issues without turning them on you husband might help over time.

Thank you, @Open Eyes. Yes, yes, and yes.

Thank you, @ArtleyWilkins! This is the most helpful advice. I really appreciate your perspective from the other side of things. I will follow this. It's really great advice!!!!

Excellent post Artley, exactly what the OP was needing to hear.

I reread what I wrote and want to apologize to you @Have Hope for how my response came across as pedantic. It's a bad habit. In my attempt to be helpful on PC, I come across very arm-chair-esque and EEK that is a hard habit to break. So, my apologies.

Thank you, Blanche! Much appreciated.

Closed by request of the OP