[lady411]

How would you feel if you found a hidden camera in your bedroom place by your spouse? What if this was the second time you found one in your bedroom?

The first time i found one it was a live cam he could see on his phone. I confronted him about it. I was really upset that he would do something like that. I felt like my privacy was invaded. I felt like he didn’t trust me. He apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again.

This time it wasn’t recording but just the fact that he would place a hidden camera again was infuriating. I went outside to confront him once more. I was so upset I was raising my voice. He kept arguing the fact that he felt just about doing it because he wants to keep an eye on his family. This made me more upset because he wouldn’t apologize or say he wouldn’t do it again. And when I asked him to apologize it didn’t seem remorseful as if he would still do it again in the future. I started yelling at him and he started cussing at me and raising his hand telling me to shut the f*** up. Things took a drastic turn when he surprisingly slapped me in the face. I retaliated unsuccessfully and quickly realized I needed to walk away before it got worse.

This is the first time he slapped me. It wasn’t with such force that it would knock me down but it was enough to hurt me deeply emotionally. I am still trying to process this.

How does a marriage overcome this?

[downandlonely]

Honestly, your husband sounds controlling. Even if this is the first time he's been physically abusive in the past, hiding a camera in your bedroom is a sign of emotional abuse. The best thing you can do might be to walk away. Easier said than done, I know.

[lady411]

It’s actually the second time he slaps me. But the first time I initiated it and he responded accordingly. I want to be honest and also add that I slapped him a few days ago because he was being completely insensitive and laughed at me while I poured my heart out at him telling him how I missed being held by my husband because he works 12-15 hours a day.

Right now walking away is not an option. We have two babies together and our lives are very attached. We do love each other but he has some deep wounds to heal from his childhood. We’ve been to counseling but it doesn’t seem like he takes it serious. Therapy is more than just showing up. It takes opening up and being vulnerable.

[Have Hope]

Slapping you is entirely unacceptable, and placing a camera in the bedroom unbeknownst to you? Was he recording your sex? Why in the bedroom if he claims he wants to "watch over the family? " Seems he wanted instead to record your sex secretly? Either way, it's so wrong of him not to ask you first. Or to even tell you. Slapping you is physical abuse.

You say you love each other. Love does NOT involve hitting and it does NOT involve abuse.

And laughing at you is also emotional abuse when you're trying to tell him you miss him. That is not Ok either.

This is not a healthy relationship.

Can you leave? Stay with friends or family? I wouldn't put up with abuse. Not for one second.

Do you have your own therapist? It seems you need a professional's perspective.

[downandlonely]

You're right that therapy takes work. It doesn't sound like your marriage is in a healthy place right now.

[lady411]

He said he placed the cameras when he left to work out of state for 3 days. I asked if he thought I would cheat on him. It’s just a complete lack of trust. Recording our sex would not have been an issue if he had told me about it right after. But this camera has been there for weeks already. I asked him if he would’ve told me but he obviously waited until or hoped I wouldn’t find it.

I am aware it is abuse. Sadly I don’t think he is aware of that. All the other abusive incidents we’ve encountered have never been abusivo according to him. I can go to a family members house. My parents have told me that their house is open anytime for me. But I’m just not sure if I want to involve the family.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by lady411

He said he placed the cameras when he left to work out of state for 3 days. I asked if he thought I would cheat on him. It’s just a complete lack of trust. Recording our sex would not have been an issue if he had told me about it right after. But this camera has been there for weeks already. I asked him if he would’ve told me but he obviously waited until or hoped I wouldn’t find it.

I am aware it is abuse. Sadly I don’t think he is aware of that. All the other abusive incidents we’ve encountered have never been abusivo according to him. I can go to a family members house. My parents have told me that their house is open anytime for me. But I’m just not sure if I want to involve the family.

Understand that abusers will NEVER admit to abuse. They will outright deny it until the cows come home, so there is NO sense in trying to confront them with the abuse or tell them they are in fact, abusive. It won't change a single thing and it will NOT change their mistreatment of you or their bad behaviors.

I think you should take your family's offer and go stay with them. That's a gift, to be able to rely on family as such. Don't feel guilty...... that's what family is for. To take care of each other, and most especially in times of trouble and need.

That's what I would do. I am very glad that you do see this is abuse.

[lady411]

Unfortunately, the therapist we we were seeing moved away. But it is imperative that I call in the morning to schedule with a new therapist. Whether he attends or not.

Is it wrong for me to want to stay? It’s the middle of the night, my children are here, I don’t want to wake them or leave them. As much as an abuser that he may be, I know he will not harm me anymore. He will probably sleep on the couch.

We both have our issues to work out but i am in no way ready to walk away and give up on my marriage.

[Have Hope]

It's not WRONG for you to WANT to stay, and I completely understand how difficult it is to leave, especially with two children. The problem is you will be facing and putting up with abuse. And most likely he will hit you again. Abusers do NOT change.... or rarely do, and not without therapy.

So it's your choice.

You will most likely face a lot of problems and it will wear you down after a while. That's what abuse does to a person. It breaks them down, it breaks their spirit, their soul and it harms their self esteem.

You also will not be doing your children ANY favors by allowing them to grow up in an abusive family or home.

It is not healthy role modeling, so it's going to harm your children's healthy development. Again, that's your choice, but understand the harm that you will be inflicting upon yourself and your children by staying.

[Have Hope]

Let me ask you this ? What do you think it would do to a child to witness their father hitting their mother? Do you think that would be healthy for them? Do . you want them to ever witness this? Do you really think your husband won't hit you again? Think twice on that. He will.

You ARE putting your children at risk by staying. Know this.

I DO think you need professional help and a professional's perspective.

[lady411]

I understand completely. And as i am tearing up and typing I want to thank you for your brutal honesty because that is what I need to hear right now.
Just when I thought our relationship was getting so much better, the abuse is only getting worse with every reoccurrence.
I don’t want my children to grow up in this environment. Although our babies are only 1 & 2, we also have our 9 & 10 yo girls from our previous failed marriages. The girls see and hear so much that they shouldn’t have to.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by lady411

I understand completely. And as i am tearing up and typing I want to thank you for your brutal honesty because that is what I need to hear right now.
Just when I thought our relationship was getting so much better, the abuse is only getting worse with every reoccurrence.
I don’t want my children to grow up in this environment. Although our babies are only 1 & 2, we also have our 9 & 10 yo girls from our previous failed marriages. The girls see and hear so much that they shouldn’t have to.

Yes, if you think of this strictly from the perspective of your children's health, upbringing and well-being, it is NOT a positive or healthy environment for them to grow up in.

Put your love and feelings for him completely aside, and think ONLY of your children's health and well-being, foremost. They need to witness healthy relationships, or else they will grow up to be dysfunctional and unhealthy themselves.

Do you really want that for your children?

[sarahsweets]

Hey @lady411

Originally Posted by lady411

It’s actually the second time he slaps me. But the first time I initiated it and he responded accordingly. I want to be honest and also add that I slapped him a few days ago because he was being completely insensitive and laughed at me while I poured my heart out at him telling him how I missed being held by my husband because he works 12-15 hours a day.

Did you slap him in self defense?

Right now walking away is not an option. We have two babies together and our lives are very attached. We do love each other but he has some deep wounds to heal from his childhood.

Staying together just because you have kids is no reason to put up with abuse. His childhood doesnt matter, its a cop out to stay together "for the kids".

It is setting a bad example for your kids. They will grow up with a dysfunctional view on marriage.

We’ve been to counseling but it doesn’t seem like he takes it serious. Therapy is more than just showing up. It takes opening up and being vulnerable.

Being vunerable is one thing, but it can lead to him controlling you.

[Sunflowersok]

I’m so sorry you are going through this, it was awful to read.

So not only has he physically harmed you twice over , he had tried to make it seem like it is your fault and that you brought it on, but he’s also illegally breached your personal privacy by spying on you AND made an excuse as to why it’s justifiable?

I don’t think a marriage can survive that, because it is not a marriage.

Please have a think about taking the next steps for your children’s sake, you said you know he won’t hurt you at this moment in time but he will do again. You know this.

What is he like with the children?

[lady411]

Have Hope, I have to mention that as I’m reading your response it makes me think of the same words my husband’s mother used when she expressed why she stayed with my husband’s father for so many years even after all the verbal/physical abuse, black eyes/bruises, drug abuse, cheating, etc. She just wanted what she thought what was best for her kids: to grow up in a home with a mother and father. I don’t want to make the same mistake she made. I want to raise my kids in a home without violence and abuse. But I will not go down without a fight. I will do everything in my power to save this marriage, not just sit around and hope for it to grow and improve.

[lady411]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Hey @lady411


Did you slap him in self defense?


It is setting a bad example for your kids. They will grow up with a dysfunctional view on marriage.


Being vunerable is one thing, but it can lead to him controlling you.

I do respond aggressively but I could never get close enough to hurt him back. He is very strong and very fast.

I agree completely that it is setting a terrible example for the kids no matter their age. They hear, see, and feel everything. When they are around I do try to keep my calm for their sake.

Can you please elaborate on how being vulnerable can lead to him controlling me?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by lady411

I do respond aggressively but I could never get close enough to hurt him back. He is very strong and very fast.

I agree completely that it is setting a terrible example for the kids no matter their age. They hear, see, and feel everything. When they are around I do try to keep my calm for their sake.

Can you please elaborate on how being vulnerable can lead to him controlling me?

To answer how being vulnerable with him will lead to him controlling you even more. You are in abusive marriage. If you are vulnerable and share something, your abuser can use it against you as one more thing to abuse and control you about. Being vulnerable is good when you are in a healthy relationship. With abusers you need to be hyper vigilant and watch your back, not be vulnerable and give them more ammunition.

Sadly this isn’t ever getting better, it’s not how it works. He’d hide cameras better and he might not hit you tomorrow and give you a break but eventually it will escalate.

Glad to hear you will be seeing a therapist. I’d see one alone and share what happens at home. Couples therapy with abusers might not be the best idea. It sometimes leads to more abuse (from what I heard from people who attempted therapy with their abusers)

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by lady411

Have Hope, I have to mention that as I’m reading your response it makes me think of the same words my husband’s mother used when she expressed why she stayed with my husband’s father for so many years even after all the verbal/physical abuse, black eyes/bruises, drug abuse, cheating, etc. She just wanted what she thought what was best for her kids: to grow up in a home with a mother and father. I don’t want to make the same mistake she made. I want to raise my kids in a home without violence and abuse. But I will not go down without a fight. I will do everything in my power to save this marriage, not just sit around and hope for it to grow and improve.

You're kidding yourself. Your husband didn't get anything out of counseling. He will not change. The one who needs to change is YOU by deciding this is NOT OK and to leave. If you do not want your children to grow up in a house of violence and abuse, then you should leave him and go to your parents' house.

Your husband's mother, by staying, taught your husband it is OK and acceptable to hit women. He thinks it is OK. He will continue to hit you. Your husband will continue to mistreat you, he will continue to hit you, and he will probably do far worse, as time goes on. Lie, cheat, and do whatever he pleases, all the while, abusing and mistreating YOU, while your children watch and witness everything.

[lady411]

Originally Posted by Sunflowersok

I’m so sorry you are going through this, it was awful to read.



So not only has he physically harmed you twice over , he had tried to make it seem like it is your fault and that you brought it on, but he’s also illegally breached your personal privacy by spying on you AND made an excuse as to why it’s justifiable?


I don’t think a marriage can survive that, because it is not a marriage.


Please have a think about taking the next steps for your children’s sake, you said you know he won’t hurt you at this moment in time but he will do again. You know this.


What is he like with the children?

He has harmed me more than twice. Since before we even got married almost 5 yrs ago.
Personal privacy? I have none. He goes thru my phone periodically and will question me when I step out of the house for anything more than picking up the girls from school or getting groceries.

I have a lot to think about. But i I will do it with a sound mind and a broader perspective.

He is a great father to all four of our kids... when he is around because he works many long hours.

[Sunflowersok]

Yes I understand the need to be in a good head space to act rationally on what you are doing. I do hope you manage to get some peace from it all. You are worth more than being with someone who treats you like this, it’s very frightening.

Let this sink in. He is NOT a good father of he is abusing the mother of his children.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by lady411

He is a great father to all four of our kids... when he is around because he works many long hours.

here's the thing. NO he is NOT a great father to the kids. Part of being a good father is setting an example of being a caretaker and that does not exclude you, if he is abusing you and controlling and doing things like hiding cameras to spy on you all without your knowledge, this is not in any way the behavior of a good father. Being kind in front of them and behaving a certain way at times is only playing a game of being a good dad in front of them but in truth he's clearly a narcissistic (not necessarily officially but as a descriptive word) overlord to you and even at best if he never laid a hand on his kids, he has on you and that sets a precedent and an example to the kids as to how their mother is "less than" he is. it's a dysfunctional situation no matter what angle anyone takes to look at it and no matter how you rationalize his behavior.

get out. I won't make provision for anything else here. he's hit you and not even out of self defense but to "put you in your place" as it sounds which is completely a domination type behavior. This will not go away and he will not change likely, and on top of that if he were to come to his senses there is NO WAY it will happen as long as you stick around.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by lady411

He has harmed me more than twice. Since before we even got married almost 5 yrs ago.
Personal privacy? I have none. He goes thru my phone periodically and will question me when I step out of the house for anything more than picking up the girls from school or getting groceries.

I have a lot to think about. But i I will do it with a sound mind and a broader perspective.

He is a great father to all four of our kids... when he is around because he works many long hours.

From what you described he isn’t the great father at all. Sure he clearly provides and maybe isn’t beating them up but he certainly isn’t a great father at all

[Have Hope]

I think you’re rationalizing his behavior by trying to point out a positive, ie, that he’s a great father. When in reality, he’s abusing YOU and is a very poor example for the kids to follow.

Why are you trying to hold on so hard to someone who abuses you? What good can possibly come from abuse? You’re getting harmed, and therefore, so are your children who are witnessing mom being abused by this monster. And yes, he’s a monster. Any man who hits a woman is. And you’re accepting his behavior. By staying, you’re giving him the message that it’s acceptable behavior.

[divine1966]

Check for cameras in the bathroom and kids’ bedrooms. I’d not be surprised if he installed cameras there too

[Have Hope]

Here's a very helpful diagram regarding the cycle of abuse, that may be helpful to you, @lady411: