[Impala]

I have been thinking about this in the context of the broken friendship with my former best friend (i've posted about what happened before).This year,I find my self debating whether to send a Christmas card or not.I am quite sentimental about Christmas and would love to think it might be a time when we could start talking again.I know that's unrealistic as my friend has mental health issues ,has no sentimentality about Christmas and has shown me this year how cold she can be (which shocked and upset me even following on from many the lies and excuses she'd made before).

I don't know whether to send a card or not,if I do,I don't really feel able to write much more than my name in it.I know that if I send it,I'll hope for a reply and probably feel hurt again if I don't get one.Is it better not to send one,or do I say it's Christmas,give it a go,if I'm hurt or disappointed then so be it,but she's ill and I should try?

[sabby]

I had a situation last Christmas with the woman who lived upstairs from me. We had an issue where she had done something very mean spirited and lied to me about it. When I had the proof and confronted her with the proof that she had done this thing, she said she had done it, but then lied about another part of the story.

I was very angry with her and just could not understand what she was thinking at the time and why should would have done such a thing. I still have not been able to figure it out, but believe me, I don't waste anymore time on it.

Anywho, what I'm trying to get at is this, I did send her a Christmas card. I did not expect to hear back from her (which I didn't) She knew she was wrong and she could not face me. That was her problem, not mine. I wrote in it that even though what she did was wrong and that it was hateful, I still wished her a Merry Christmas to her and her family. She obviously has some issues that make her do what she does.....I know I cannot control that....but I can control what is in my heart. And my heart tells me that no matter who hurts me, I do not have to be spiteful, I do not have to allow them to hurt me anymore and I can still spread goodwill towards those who I feel have done wrong to me.

I have found that when I let go of the hurt and the anger, I have lots more room inside me to feel love and to support those I care about. I would much rather be filled with that than with pain and anger.

I think, if I were you, I would send the card without expectations of her "coming around" and sending you one back or wanting to have more contact with you. Just knowing in your heart that you wish her a Merry Christmas without strings attached can help you heal from this rift. If by chance she does contact you and you wish to continue the relationship, then that's a bonus

Wishing you well and a very Merry Christmas!


sabby

[Perna]

Do what makes you happy/feel good. Sending a card isn't going to change a relationship much, if at all. There are some former friends I send cards to out of habit and I still just send them; it can show one is consistent/"stable" themselves. Don't make everything about this broken friendship though or it will continue to hurt you when it doesn't need to.

[Impala]

The trouble is,if she doesn't send one back,I'll be thinking how rude/thoughtless is that??(I know that's not the sprit of it but there were so many times when she didn't bother to make the effort-in my case). She did send a card for my birthday which is the only time she contacted me since being horrible and breaking contact earlier in the year.I couldn't fathom why she sent the birthday card at the time either.Seems a bit strange to send that but no card at Christmas.I really don't know what to think.

[sabby]

Did you acknowledge that she sent you a birthday card? If not, then maybe that's why she hasn't sent a Christmas card? Then again, instead of sitting here wondering...why not pick up the phone and call her??? Maybe she can't afford to send a card? Maybe she's not in the Christmas spirit and not sending a card to anyone? Could be a million reasons why she hasn't or isn't sending one. But sitting here speculating isn't doing you any good either hon.

Communication....one way or the other is the only thing that will set your heart and mind at ease so you can move on.


sabby

[Impala]

Yes I did send her a polite thank you email for the birthday card. When she's behaved so badly,isn't the ball in her court to pick up the phone if she wants to,ill or not? Last time I tried to speak to her on the phone when I was very upset over something(not to do with her)She wouldn't speak to me despite how upset I was .I'm not anxious to give that a second go.

[sabby]

Totally understood! The only reason I mentioned the communication thing was because you seemed to be having a difficult time with making up your mind whether or not to send her a card and also dealing with not knowing what was on her mind kinda thing.

Maybe at some point it's time to put the past behind you and move on. I know it's hard when there are unresolved issues and feelings at hand. Sometimes there are no answers to our problems and moving on is the best thing to do for ourselves in the meantime.


sabby

[Perna]

Some things just aren't worth persuing and I just tune them out/ignore them. I was driving today with a friend and she wasn't able to put her seatbelt on; it was a "short" trip but I hate the dinging seatbelt buzzer and it was going off every 30-60 seconds I believe. The traffic was bad and the trip took longer than usual. But I finally got "fatalistic" about it; it would eventually end and, that one thing, that one irritant wasn't worth it! So I just bore the "pain" and distraction of it like I would a mild headache or a task I needed to do but didn't want to.

Why waste your energy on worrying about whether your friend is rude or not. Just accept, if she doesn't respond in any way/send a card of her own, that she is. It's just another fact, the unpleasantness of which will be buried by other events happening to you in your life. I don't like some of the Christmas presents I've selected to give to some people but I'll give them anyway and "this too shall pass". You've done all you can to get together with her and she's not responding in a way that makes you happy so drop it until/unless she does something positive to get your attention again.

[Impala]

It just seems odd-to go to the trouble of sending someone a birthday card after breaking off contact,andthen not send a card at Christmas.I'm now thinking,is there something wrong? ?????,She's ill,should I do something more ? I don't know what though-is it harsh to just say "leave her to her fate"?

[sabby]

All this indecision you are going through regarding sending her a card must be hard for you. I can understand how difficult it must be.

At this point, I think the important thing for YOU would be to make a decision now....one way or another and let the chips fall where they may. Trying to second guess yourself and this other person can really suck the life out of you.

We can't always forsee the future or tell how someone will react (or not react) to something we do. Trying to figure it all out ahead of time is futile and very counter productive.

Personally, my thought is to just send the card and go on from there. At least that way, you know in your heart you showed her Christmas spriit. Whether or not she responds in kind is completely up to her....you have no control over that part of this situation.

Wishing you well!


sabby

[Impala]

Sorry,I should have made it clear,I have sent the card and am saying this because I've had no acknowledgement,nothing.

[Impala]

Is this illness or just rudeness?I think my friend has used her illness as an excuse for all sorts of hurtful behaviour-saying she "can't" do things when it suits her.I mean,this is someone who will travel on a long journey to meet someone for sex but can't acknowledge a Christmas card?? I know my friend tells lies.I think I've just been used and discarded and illness has been used to cover up the fact that she's really not a very nice person.Is this harsh or the reality??

[Impala]

I actually feel like sending a message to her pointing out her appalling behaviour and rudeness.At least this would get it off my chest-my feelings are just as important as hers,ill or not and she does have control over how she behaves.She usese her illness to get away with things.Is this advisable or would I regret it?

[sabby]

((((((((((( Impala ))))))))))))

I think you have answered your own questions here. Her lack of acknowledgement is telling you that she is not interested in a relationship with you at this time. So be it. I understand how this can be hurtful when you feel you have done all you can do to open up to her and give her the space to reconcile the problem between the two of you.

Illness or no illness, sometimes we have to just cut our losses and let well enough alone. If you feel in your heart that you have done all you can do to try to repair the relationship and nothing has come of it, then it's time to let it go hon. If writing to her how you feel is what will make you feel better then go for it. Or, just plain writing it out and not even sending it can be helpful too. At least in that way you can get out what you need to say and that can be healing in and of itself.

Your feelings do count. And at some point you just have to draw the line not only with her, but with yourself too and stop beating yourself up over this situation. Letting go and moving on may be just what you need to do hon, for your own heart.

Take good care!

sabby

[Impala]

I just don't understand it though-why not very long ago send me a birthday card if she doesn't,on some level,want to continue the friendship? That was totally unexpected after how she'd broken off contact.Could it be that she's more ill than ever,or am I just giving her the benefit of the doubt-again!!?

[sabby]

I think she thought of you on your birthday and wanted you to know she was thinking of you. Sometimes we can sit and ponder these situations and there are no clear cut defined answers. We just have to accept them and move on. You can send yourself over the edge if you keep trying to figure out something that at this time, there are just no real defined answers for.

You have done your job in sending a card to her. You were thinking of her and you let her know that. There can be many different reasons for her not responding to you and for you to assume what they may be is not doing you any good hon. Unless you live her life, you just can't know what's going on in her mind and her life.

Be well Impala......know you have done what you can and let this go for now. Give yourself a much deserved break from all the questions and uncertainty. Maybe in time you will find the answers you so crave, but until then, put your energies into taking good care of YOU! You so deserve it


sabby

[Impala]

Thank you Sabby.I just don't know whether to feel sad or angry about this.Either way,I think she should know how I feel.Is it right that she goes through life hurting people and then when things become too difficult she just moves on and leaves behind the consequences of her behaviour? What about the ones who have been hurt?

[sabby]

((((((((((( Impala ))))))))))))

There are folks in the world who just can't handle relationship responsibilities. And then there are folks who don't KNOW how to handle them. Whatever realm this person falls into....it's obvious the fallout has hurt you and I'm sorry about that.

When I have fallen into that situation, what I've done is allowed myself to be angry, mad and hurt. Then I licked my wounds and told myself that this is a lesson learned. I picked myself up and moved on. I put the relationship away after dealing with the aftermath.

It's not an easy thing to do when one feels they've been wronged and when they don't understand why something has not worked out in the way we thought it should work. But it's what needs to happen in order to move on and grow from the experience.

Time will make the pain lessen. Again, I'm sorry that you are hurting from this situation.....it's never a fun thing to go through.


sabby

[Ocean13]

You know, I totally admit that I'm absolutely HORRIBLE about ever sending cards or letters to anyone. My in-laws are angels about sending cards to all their 9 children & spouses, grandchildren, great-grandchildren. I'm not. I have multiple chronic health conditions and one of the symptoms, I seriously forget about sending stuff to anyone. But when I remember I'll send something out but that's very rare. It sucks because I don't ever want to hurt anyone's feelings. I love them all soooo much. I've been trying to makes notes on a calender to try and remember. I get so disappointed in myself.
BUT, unlike your friend from the sounds of it, it sounds like my situation can be more 'real' for lack of a better word.
If you know your friend is like this, just accept her. It's like a marriage for better or worse. You have to decide if what's she's doing is soooo bad that you can't look past it.

Peace

OCEAN

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Impala said:
I just don't understand it though-why not very long ago send me a birthday card if she doesn't,on some level,want to continue the friendship? That was totally unexpected after how she'd broken off contact.Could it be that she's more ill than ever,or am I just giving her the benefit of the doubt-again!!?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[Impala]

Ocean,I don't think you and my friend are alike at all.I have another friend who has a very serious illness-this year,she wasn't able to get me a card or present but that didn't stop me giving her them,just as I always have,and always will.That's because she is a fantastic ,caring person who shows me she cares regardless of sending cards and so-on.The friend I'm talking about here is different-if she really wants something(or needs to do something to get her needs met),then you can be sure she'll do it,go to the ends of the earth to do it!-therefore,whilst she might have mental health problems,she's not incapable of doing things,she just does them when it suits her.There's a world of differnece between,you,the caring friend I've spoken of and the (former) friend this thread is about.

The best you can for yourself and your friend is to honour the boundaries your friend has put up for herself. And don't take it personally.

Putting myself in your friends shoes..... which isn't a stretch for me to do because I can relate to pushing friendships out of my life. I'll have hot moments where I'll make a phone call or send an email to a friend but often the fire will burn out before a second contact is made. Their efforts to connect with me will often be futile. I'll have retreated again and they will have to wait out my current storm to hear from me again. Or not.

I have one friend who for reasons known only to her sticks by me and weathers my bad behaviours. She's like a sister to me. I've asked her once or twice why she puts up with my abuse and she tells me that she'd learned not to take it personally. To take each moment with me as it comes and to not read anything into my silences. She doesn't interpret my isolation as rejection. She doesn't interpret my sadness as her fault or her job to fix. She doesn't interpret my rants to be attacks on her.

Recently she has been more distant than usual. She may be tiring of me. We did have a bad go around in the summer. Me acting out and using her as my kicking post. She'd tried for months to connect with me and I'd ignore every effort. It became part of a sick game I played with her for a while. Not proud to admit it but it became like a 'testimony of my ugliness.... undeserving of friends' -- it echoed in my head and I had to prove it right by making sure she couldn't connect with me. I needed to prove I didn't deserve friends in my life.

I don't mean to hurt her feelings but I'm not able or willing to engage with her or anyone consistantly over long periods of time so I tend to sabbotoge what I have to take the pressure off myself. Emails, phone calls, messages relayed through family are all ignored by me more often than not. I sent her one email in the middle of a long gap but I never followed up with her reply. Even though it was Christmas and usually we get together for a visit it didn't happen this year. She didn't push as much as she usually does and I was less receptive to anyone's pushing this year. People in my life have generally given up pushing me to do things. They take the first 'no' as the final answer or risk the consequence of my cry meltdown or raging outburst.

I'm not sure what you can gleen from my story. Perhaps to not take it personally for strarters. Second, if you can't take the push and pull without the emotions.... its not healthy for anyone to be in a push/pull relationship.... then back away and leave it to your friend to sort out for herself. She'll find her own way just as you and I find our own way day in and day out.

Don't let yourself get sicker because of your friends behaviours. No judgement necessary. Her behaviour is bad and the impact on you is real. You can't change her behaviour but you can change how you react to her behaviours. Just acknowledging your own limits, your own boudaries, your own wellness as first on your list of concerns can help balance your perspective on her as well.

You can't make your friend well but you can tend to your own wellness. Let your friend go for now. Get your focus back on track. Heal your broken heart and learn to live with her being out of your life. It may be only for a season of time or it may be for the rest of your life time. Find a way to not need to know what the future holds with your friend. Pray for her. Send messages of good energy into the universe for her everyday and pray she finds her peice. Pray you find your peace and let time take care of the rest.

You are a very kind and loving person. I can feel your heart aching and I pray for your peace to come. May your friend find her peace and be able to see again some day the beauty of your love for her. May you know that your love is enough. Love in the universe has the power to change lives. If only from a distance you can be a support to your friend. Silent prayers for your friendship that your support for your friend can be maintained.

Blessings.....

[Impala]

Chocolatelover,that was a lovely post and I've read it several times.It sounds to me that there's a big difference between you and my friend-you behave the same with everyone-my friend says she "can't" do things but then she can (with certain people,to get her needs met),if she so chooses.That's what makes me take her behaviour personally and be upset by her lies.If she treated everyone the same way,I'd feel differently about it.

Not quite... there are 'disfunctional' friendships that I maintain. The unhealthy ones that feed my illness. Those I hold closer and will retain during dark times. It's as though the darkness attracks darkness. My friends and family who are 'in the light' are the one's I reject when I'm in my darkness. I don't want to be reminded of who I was. I don't want to be hopeful. I don't want to be encouraged. I don't want the light but I will find my way to more darkness.

You said it yourself.... 'with certain people, to get her needs met.' When I am in my darkness my needs are to be as far away from healthy people as I can get. My need is to wollow in my darkness. I don't want my 'good' friends around me when all I want is to feel the badness that has consumed me.

Like or unlike your friend the important question is what do you need to do for yourself to feel 'okay' with backing away from your friend. How can you 'let it be.'

I imagine it is very difficult to not take your friend's actions personally. It's just that taking it personally is only hurting you my friend. It's only hurting you. And that is the pain that your friends here, who love and care for you want to minister some healing towards.

To acknowledge, accept and move forward from. Not be caught trying to rationalize the irrationalize. To solve the unsolveable. To do the impossible. We all know how distructive and hurtful that kind of effort can cause. It is your pain that we are responding to your recovery that we are here to uphold. May you find the perspective you need to rest in your reality without suffering someone else's pain.

Blessings....

[Impala]

Chocolatelover ,I'm grateful for your words and insight.They are giving me much to think about.May I ask you something? When you push away your friends,during those times when you do that,is it in a way because you are testing those friendships (someone said this to me recently).I didn't believe it because I didn't believe that that was what my friend was doing-if she is then she's prepared to test it to the limit,to lose it-it seems to me that if she'll do that,there's no real feeling for me or freindship there? Is that true-or even when you are pushing friends away do you somehow,some way hope they won't go? Perhaps there was just a time when I somehow met my friends needs and therefore she flattered me with attention to get her needs met,and I mistook that for friendship.

Sometimes yes... to prove my belief that everyone has their limits and no matter what they say I'll find theirs and eventually they will leave me... just like everyone else in my life.... blah, blah, blah....

Now don't get me wrong.... I know how warped the thinking is when my thinking is stable but that doesn't stop me from getting gripped by it when I'm desperate for someone to perform a miracle healing and rescue me from my hell. No one ever can. No fault of theirs but tell me that when I'm desperate and I'm full of all kinds of wicked rationale.

Sometimes my thoughts attack them or I raging at them or overpower them about some unrelated thing just to hurt them, to show my power over them. I'll be angry and act out or I'll be sad and suppress my feelings. The hell doesn't change by their efforts. I want their efforts to change things. If it doesn't then I attack them by insulting them and push them away. I live as though they don't matter to me. Means surviving without intimate relationships. Learning that isolation isn't the answer I set upon a journey towards understanding what relationships can and cannot do for me realistically so that I don't need to act out when they fail to measure up. I now maintain a number of good friendships with people I've known for many years. I've done the push pull with some of them in years past but things are better now. They accept my periods of isolation without feeling shut off. They let me talk more than before. I was always the counsellor and did that to avoid talking about myself. Now I talk to them about myself and my life without needing miracles.

I can't speak for your friend and her motivation but for me yes, I did act badly sometimes, do act badly sometimes to test someone's friendship and worse, to hurt them for not being the friend I think I need. It's a hard habit to break when the thoughts get triggered by the slightest disappointment. I'm probably older than your friend, I'm 53 and been through enough of those kind of times to be tired of the cycle. I far prefer the me that is giving and kind rather than hurtful and afraid. I'm working hard to give the loving person in me more control of my emotions than the one who acts out of fear.

It's not something you can necessarily figure about about your friend's hurtful treatment of you. It is what it is. That's all you know for sure. It is what it is. She is who she is for all sorts of reasons. Her reasons. Without her input the rest is speculation mixed with your hopes. Not very steady ground to be standing on to explore the mystery of your friend's motivation.

One other thing before I encourage you to focus on your needs as a way of being a lost friend.... and that is to remember her behaviour isn't rationale so no rationale answer can be found. For example.... yes we push to test and expect to be right..... self fulfilled prophecy, self punishment, self hate... lots of motives at play. But w also hope we will be wrong..... problems are resolved, life is better, bad episodes will stop because of the friendship. It's not as thought the friendship doesn't matter. The friendship matters a great deal. Perhaps too much and that's what triggers the pushing. The friendship has become too important and that puts me at risk. Vulnerable to my friend. What if she decides she doesn't want to be my friend? That thought compels me to want to dump her first. My response is to prove to myself that I can manage without her. The hope in the magic of the friendship turns to anger, rage and acting out with the slightest wrinkle. Warped thinking... remember.

Did your friend just use you or did she value you at any time in your friendship? A question only she can answer. I'd venture to guess that yes your friendship matters. And yes it was a real friendship. A real complicated friendship.

At the end of the day it is only you that you can influence. Reach out and love her if you can do it without expectation. Send her cards and letters and be prepared for rejection or give her space and see if sometime down the road you don't hear from her again. Out of the blew when her outlook on life makes an upswing.

I've many friendships that come and go. So went on bad terms but most they just faded out for a time. Then something would happen to draw us together again.

Friendships are for a reason, a season or a lifetimes. One should never be confused for the other.

Hope something in my story helps you.... my encouragement is to focus on being the best you can be and allowing your friend to take her journey her way. Don't allow her to abuse you with her bad behaviour. Don't give her your power or your integrety. Don't second guess your self but build yourself up with acts of kindness spread elsewhere.