[walkingby]

It's not the first time I see this (and I had a man friend who did some of this too) but I find this one to be particularly unhealthy.


And I'm interested in understanding what kind of person(ality) does this, how is this person in a relationship, is it also unhealthy? If so, how? What do they bring to a relationship? Is it toxic or normal?

Context: she's not at all pretty and she met a guy in her 40s. Within 2 years dating him she had a kid.
The guy is far more "cool" than she is. And she looks much older than him, though she's not.

Well, since she had the kid, she never ever let the the child alone. The child is now 11 years old.
She made a joint social account with blended names (hers and the child) to show him off and to show off how much he loves her.


She still makes him wear matching costumes and other scenic happy family stuff, forcing everyone to join in. Posting pictures of the kid, or the 3 of them (as in I'm in a happy relationship). Not much else. This is her social media. She tags the boyfriend in every "happy" picture, she tagged him in "a relationship with". This is how she wants to present herself: I have a kid of this man and specially the kid is all I care and he loves me forever.

At family gatherings she's always holding on to the the kid, sitting next to him (fine if she needs to help him while eating, but the rest of the cousins are all on the same side of the table while the kid is with her).
She's usually distant from the rest of the family members. Sits near his parents.
She's the one that rarely shows up in family pictures because she's always behind, clinging to the kid and the boyfriend, with a tense face while everyone is having fun.

What type of personality does this?
I'd like to understand the personality of this type of people and what they do to a relationship (I know what they do to the children. Plenty articles about it).
I can't find much information about this. I think she is a very kind person, but she's super super clingy.
All I can find is articles about clingy children, not the other way.

thank you

[Have Hope]

She likely is deeply insecure. At the root of all clinginess is deeply engrained insecurity. She may be afraid to be alone. She may have trouble standing on her own two feet, being independent, and being her own person apart from a boyfriend and the child. She may need to display her "happiness", her child and her relationship all over social media because she needs approval from others in order to feel good about herself and her life. That is not uncommon. Ironically, it's usually the unhappiest people who need to flaunt their "happiness" on social media. That's my two cents!

[divine1966]

We can’t diagnose or determine anyone’s personality over the Internet. Some people are more attached to their children and are perhaps more protective as parents. Some parents aren’t.

She had her child late in life so that sometimes makes people overly protective as parents. It’s not necessarily abnormal.

Why is it relevant that she isn’t pretty? Why is it important for you to point it out? Or that she looks older? Having children in your 40s can’t be possibly easy on her body, that could age a woman. Her boyfriend is more cool? What does it even mean?

I don’t know why it’s wrong to post pictures of her family. People post political nonsense and wild party pictures. I’d say posting pics of family is pretty mild compare to that. She isn’t obligated to post anything else on social media.

Why are you concerned?

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by divine1966

We can’t diagnose or determine anyone’s personality over the Internet. Some people are more attached to their children and are perhaps more protective as parents. Some parents aren’t.

She had her child late in life.. It’s not necessarily abnormal.

Why is it relevant that she isn’t pretty? Why is it important for you to point it out? Or that she looks older? Having children in your 40s can’t be possibly easy on her body, that could age a woman. Her boyfriend is more cool? What does it even mean?

I don’t know why it’s wrong to post pictures of her family. People post political nonsense and wild party pictures. I’d say posting pics of family is pretty mild compare to that. She isn’t obligated to post anything else on social media.

Why are you concerned?

I agree, here. This post sounds so judgmental and like you're looking for a label to spit at her with. It's one thing to be concerned with the upbringing of a child.. it's another to comment on someone else's looks. Sheesh! The only problem I see here is your attitude.

People blend social media accounts all the time. It's VERY common and socially acceptable to post family photos on a social media account. This isn't a big deal from a social norm perspective.

Maybe she's anxious around certain people (who make her feel ugly, old, and uncool). Maybe in her own life, she's not clingy at all and very lovely. I suspect there may be trust issues between her and your family and when present, she's protecting her child from being included in whatever concerns she has with you all. That's my gut instinct.

[divine1966]

Posting pictures or info about one’s child isn’t necessarily “showing him off” or trying to prove anything. Having children changes everything

I don’t have much social media so I don’t post pictures of my daughter or anyone but at work I have several frames on my desk with pics of my husband, my daughter and my stepdaughter. It doesn’t mean I am pretending to be happy or am a show off or insecure.

And at group photos I stand next to my husband which is also normal, I don’t necessarily push myself in a front row. And some people don’t like to be in the picture so it’s normal to stand in the back. If people talk about her “not being pretty” she probably senses it and prefers to blend into a background

[Have Hope]

I agree that looks should not matter as well as her age or the fact she met someone in her 40’s.

[Open Eyes]

It’s not disordered to love your child and your husband and share that on a social media site. Sounds like this woman had wanted that for a long time.

[walkingby]

I knew you were going to be triggered with the looks thing. The reason I pointed it out (and you asked why I've pointed it out) is because it could explain why she's so insecure. People who know they can't compete with the looks can feel threatened by the other girls surrounding their partners, no? Is that a big deal? No. It's a fact.

I don't see things with judgement.

I see this behavior and I want to understand it.

I don't know what kind of issues these type of people have: I'm not asking to diagnose her childhood or life in particular.
Things are pretty much defined in psychology. Certain traits, certain behaviors match certain issues and even disorders. Say she displays signs of X. Fine. does that mean she IS X? No, but I can read more about X and see if it makes sense in this context. It's called studying people. It's not offensive. It would be offensive if I told you WHO she is and HOW she is.


I know it's an adult attachment problem. But I can't find articles about this particular kind of clinginess, because I don't know the names for it. I'm pretty sure there is a name for being extremely clingy with your child and from there I could understand what issues the person may have.

No, I didn't come here to find answers for the consequences on the child's development, because that I already know. As I said, that are plenty of articles and studies about it. All it takes is to google "clingy mother" and we get hundreds of results for the bad consequences it has on a child and how as a child you can cope with the clingy parents.


I'm looking for the names of the possible issues this INSECURITY have so I can read about it.


I'm sorry. You think it's healthy to cling and not let your child be alone for a second for 11 years? To not let him be with his cousins because YOU have an issue with yourself? It's not.

The firs couple of years? Fine. It's novelty, the child needs more help.

11 years? No. It's unhealthy. The kid needs to grow up and learn to be independent and have his own personality, not his mother on his back all the freaking time.

I know, parents today think it's healthy to be besties with their children and do everything with them. But it's not.

I'm looking for the names of these type of issues. That's all. Insecurity, adult attachment. These are two terms.

[walkingby]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It’s not disordered to love your child and your husband and share that on a social media site. Sounds like this woman had wanted that for a long time.

11 years. That's a decade of not letting the kid alone and have his own personality. It's not love. It's neediness. The child deserves to be loved, not to be used as a tool for your own problems. That's selfish.

It's not just love. We all love our partners and children. Not everyone does this. Only insecure people does it. I'm looking for the name of these type of insecurity so I can study it.

[walkingby]

divine1966;6856779]

I don’t have much social media so I don’t post pictures of my daughter or anyone but at work I have several frames on my desk with pics of my husband, my daughter and my stepdaughter. It doesn’t mean I am pretending to be happy or am a show off or insecure.

So why are you comparing it with posting your children's photos on public places for +500 people plus strangers see it? It's also dangerous.

I'm not worried with anyone who has frames in their somewhat private space. Or if you hug your husband. It's not even comparable...

[walkingby]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I agree that looks should not matter as well as her age or the fact she met someone in her 40’s.

I'm the same age range has her. It's context. An insecure person with 20 years old is one thing, with 45 is another.

[walkingby]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

She likely is deeply insecure. At the root of all clinginess is deeply engrained insecurity. She may be afraid to be alone. She may have trouble standing on her own two feet, being independent, and being her own person apart from a boyfriend and the child. She may need to display her "happiness", her child and her relationship all over social media because she needs approval from others in order to feel good about herself and her life. That is not uncommon. Ironically, it's usually the unhappiest people who need to flaunt their "happiness" on social media. That's my two cents!

Thank you for your objective view of my objective post. And your objective answer. It's useful.

[walkingby]

Originally Posted by divine1966

We can’t diagnose or determine anyone’s personality over the Internet. Some people are more attached to their children and are perhaps more protective as parents. Some parents aren’t.

Well, if I say "she doesn't feel empathy for anyone, and she opened all her cats and dogs to see the inside, she also manipulates everyone to get her way and she lies a lot".

No, I can't diagnose and say she was born in a violent context. But I surely can say that by this description she seems to display traits of psychopathy.

She had her child late in life so that sometimes makes people overly protective as parents. It’s not necessarily abnormal.

OK.

Why is it relevant that she isn’t pretty? (...) Or that she looks older? Having children in your 40s can’t be possibly easy on her body, that could age a woman. Her boyfriend is more cool? What does it even mean?

It can explain why she's so insecure. Yes, her boyfriend is cooler and is around pretty girls. She's not. That can explain her insecurity and perhaps there are already studies about it.

I don’t know why it’s wrong to post pictures of her family.

No, it's ok to post some pictures of you and your family, once in a while, sure. But making social media pages JUST for this and blending your name with your kid's? (your child is not your spouse and should not replace that emotional gap! And even blending your name and page with your partner's is not a good sign).

It's not an opinion to say that usually when someone posts too much pictures of their relationship is a sign that something's not going well at home or with themselves.

Why are you concerned?

I want to understand this behavior. It's upsetting. It's painful to watch and I know it's a problem (no, it's not normal or healthy). So I want to understand where this comes from so I can cope with it. Or not.

[walkingby]

Originally Posted by MsLady

I agree, here. This post sounds so judgmental and like you're looking for a label to spit at her with. It's one thing to be concerned with the upbringing of a child.. it's another to comment on someone else's looks. Sheesh! The only problem I see here is your attitude.

"Sounds" and "like you're looking for a label to spit at her with" it's your interpretation. Not what I'm doing.

People blend social media accounts all the time. It's VERY common and socially acceptable to post family photos on a social media account. This isn't a big deal from a social norm perspective.

Posting publicly pictures of the kid and how he treats her PLUS physically being clingy and not letting the kid alone. Not good for the child and certainly not healthy of her.

Maybe she's anxious around certain people (who make her feel ugly, old, and uncool). Maybe in her own life, she's not clingy at all and very lovely. I suspect there may be trust issues between her and your family and when present, she's protecting her child from being included in whatever concerns she has with you all. That's my gut instinct.

OK. Yes, I said she's a nice person. Yes, in her head it's her own boyfriend that makes her feel unwanted. That's insecurity: if she doesn't like herself and believes he doesn't like her either, so she clings to the child and the fabricated happy moments to show others and get the validation she desires.

[divine1966]

The bottom line we can’t change or fix or control other people. We can only control ourselves. You can’t really know why people do what they do. We can’t really get an answer. We aren’t these people. We can’t know what’s in her head or what she feels deep inside or she feels unwanted by her boyfriend or competes with other girls about her looks or if her happy moments are real or fabricated. We simply cannot know what’s in other people’s minds and what’s happening behind closed doors

I’d take a focus of this woman and look into reasons why you are so upset about her and her relationship with her boyfriend. Something must be causing it. Are you seeing a therapist?

[MsLady]

Emotional Parentification?

[TishaBuv]

Is your concern for the child? Do they go to school? Do they have friends? What do you think is the reason she won’t let them play with the cousins at a family gathering? Are you a relative?

There’s nothing you describe that sounds really abnormal without knowing the whole situation.

I can’t think of any words to say she is. An over protective mother? A clingy, needy mother? A dedicated mother? I don’t know the whole story. The child could have special needs, or she could be overly obsessed with her ‘miracle baby’.

Are you trying to help someone in this? What is your role?

[walkingby]

Originally Posted by divine1966

The bottom line we can’t change or fix or control other people. We can only control ourselves. You can’t really know why people do what they do. We can’t really get an answer. We aren’t these people. We can’t know what’s in her head or what she feels deep inside or she feels unwanted by her boyfriend or competes with other girls about her looks or if her happy moments are real or fabricated. We simply cannot know what’s in other people’s minds and what’s happening behind closed doors

I’d take a focus of this woman and look into reasons why you are so upset about her and her relationship with her boyfriend. Something must be causing it. Are you seeing a therapist?

LOL. Just LOL.
If I say "she likes to kill animals, she doesn't have empathy and she cons everyone"? Would you have the same argument that you can't tell what she may have?


I don't understand why people bother to read and answer questions if they don't know the answer and all they want is to judge the poster.

I don't need therapy. I need to understand the LABELS that usually accompany this type of traits. Like "kill, playing god, conning, manipulative and lacking empathy" fits the LABEL: Psychopathy. Or "fear of abandonment, threaten to suicide if someone leaves or is perceived to leave, dramatic view of relatiosnhips" fit the LABEL "borderline". I'm looking for the psychological "labels" that go with this type of TOXIC insecurity where these people need a constant approval from others by using children and spouses as trophies even if they themselves are very nice people. It's a type of insecurity. It's not exclusive of this person, I even said I've seen other people doing similar things. SO I'm pretty sure it's been studied. I'm looking for articles on that.


To me it's important to understand people, not just have faith that they are being normal.

I like to study and understand human behavior. That's my post. If you don't know the answer because you're not qualified to do it, then there are thousands of other posts there for you to judge and comment.

[walkingby]

HERE, if anyone still believes I need therapy for asking, here's the "diagnose" researchers have done.
Insecure attachment models in childhood most likely lead to insecure relationships in adulthood:

"Highly anxious individuals [those who had an insecure attachment model, where parents didn't satisfy their needs and made them feel unworthy] are heavily invested in their relationships, and they yearn to get closer to their partners emotionally to feel more secure. Anxious individuals harbor negative self-views and guarded but hopeful views of their romantic partner. These conflicted perceptions lead anxious individuals to question their worth, worry about losing their partners, and remain vigilant to signs their partners might be pulling away from them. Thus, they are motivated to increase their deficient sense of felt security [12], which leads them to act in ways that sometimes smother or drive their partners away."


"when highly anxious people encounter internal stressors, they perceive their partners and relationships more negatively and behave in more dysfunctional, relationship-damaging ways."

(Jeffry A. Simpson, University of Minnesota and W. Steven Rholes, Texas A&M University).

"Anxious Preoccupied Attachment – People with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, they take actions that push their partner away. Even though anxiously attached individuals act desperate or insecure, more often than not, their behavior exacerbates their own fears. When they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner. They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. For example, if their partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, “See? He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me. I was right not to trust him.” (Lisa Firestone Ph.D.; "How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship"in psychology today)



See? People study certain behaviors. That's how we make sense of the world that surround us.

I'll continue my studies.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by walkingby

I want to understand this behavior. It's upsetting. It's painful to watch and I know it's a problem (no, it's not normal or healthy). So I want to understand where this comes from so I can cope with it. Or not.

So, are you. close friend or relative? Do you see this woman a lot in your life? If it means coping with it or not for you, I assume you must be close to her? I am curious how and why this effects you so much?

And I don't know if you're going to be able to identify a psychological label for it -- maybe, maybe not. It sounds like you're doing the research. It could be attachment style, but I personally don't know enough to speak to that.

It does seem odd to attach oneself to a child SO much. I wonder if that child has special needs? Only then would it make more sense.

[walkingby]

Originally Posted by MsLady

Emotional Parentification?

Thank you.

Almost. I've read about that too. But the child doesn't replace the husband or an adult. It's simply a tool (with no active role) for her self-validation. Sort of a trophy.

I think I found it. It's anxious attachment style. And it makes sense, because her mother seems a bit narcissist.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by walkingby

LOL. Just LOL.
If I say "she likes to kill animals, she doesn't have empathy and she cons everyone"? Would you have the same argument that you can't tell what she may have?


I don't understand why people bother to read and answer questions if they don't know the answer and all they want is to judge the poster.

I don't need therapy. I need to understand the LABELS that usually accompany this type of traits. Like "kill, playing god, conning, manipulative and lacking empathy" fits the LABEL: Psychopathy. Or "fear of abandonment, threaten to suicide if someone leaves or is perceived to leave, dramatic view of relatiosnhips" fit the LABEL "borderline". I'm looking for the psychological "labels" that go with this type of TOXIC insecurity where these people need a constant approval from others by using children and spouses as trophies even if they themselves are very nice people. It's a type of insecurity. It's not exclusive of this person, I even said I've seen other people doing similar things. SO I'm pretty sure it's been studied. I'm looking for articles on that.


To me it's important to understand people, not just have faith that they are being normal.

I like to study and understand human behavior. That's my post. If you don't know the answer because you're not qualified to do it, then there are thousands of other posts there for you to judge and comment.

I actually am qualified re dealing with diagnoses, but we aren’t acting here in a professional capacity. It’s not allowed. Plus even if we were allowed to act in our professional capacity here, it wouldn’t be possible without meeting her in person, observing, evaluating etc etc

How do you know though if she is using her husband as a trophy or they just have a happy life together?

That’s why I said it might be worth exploring why her relationship with her boyfriend or spouse concerns you so much. Do you know him well? Are you related to him? Did he share with you that relationship isn’t really loving and is fake and you are now concerned for her? Or is there something else that makes you focusing on their relationship? Do you all live together?

You said you need help coping with this. If you need coping, it means it’s more than just doing research. You are having hard time with it. We can maybe help you cope if we know why you are upset about their relationship. That’s why I thought therapy could help to get to the bottom of it

[walkingby]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Is your concern for the child? Do they go to school? Do they have friends? What do you think is the reason she won’t let them play with the cousins at a family gathering? Are you a relative?

There’s nothing you describe that sounds really abnormal without knowing the whole situation.

I can’t think of any words to say she is. An over protective mother? A clingy, needy mother? A dedicated mother? I don’t know the whole story. The child could have special needs, or she could be overly obsessed with her ‘miracle baby’.

Are you trying to help someone in this? What is your role?

No, it's not normal. Over protectiveness is never very normal, this is not even protection: it's demonstration. And using a child to not be alone.

I honestly can't understand how people don't see how unhealthy this is.

It's not healthy to spend 11 years focused almost solely on displaying your "bond" with your kid (sometimes there isn't even anything, he's just living his life and there she goes: a picture, a public picture with a sentence that forces a connection).

It's not healthy for the child, for the relationships she builds and for herself to be this clingy, moreover with a child that should not be used for the adult's personal gratification.

Combining both: 11 years (a decade) focused on displaying the "bond" and clinging on a child and a partner as a form os validation seeking...it says there's something unbalanced with this person.

[Have Hope]

Why is it important to you though to get to the bottom of this, why is it so bothersome to you, and why are you so concerned with this that you need help coping with it? I think ppl are asking why this is your concern.

[walkingby]

No one asked you to diagnose her in particular. I asked about the type of personality that displays these behaviors. I already posted the answer. Because researchers DO investigate patterns of behavior.

I don't know how happy they really are - I actually asked what type of damage these type of personalities can do to any relationship - but I'm talking about the fact that all she does for far more than a reasonable amount of time (decade) is to display her relationships as if she had nothing else to show and clinging way too much on them.

They are family. And it's disconcerting to watch this behavior. She's unhealthy. I'm trying to understand why people does this and what this behavior does to others around it.

I didn't say I "need help" coping with this. I said I want to understand so I can choose how to cope with it: meaning how to interpret the behavior.