What do I say to this?

I think my husband is mentally abusive. He has never hit me, but has frequent angry outbursts and displayed demeaning behavior to me for example ripping the covers off of me and turning on the lights at 4 am because he found out I was late dropping the kids off at school one day, to making me go outside at night and scrub the kids chalk off of the driveway because he hates chalk art. He is always angry, everything bothers him. If I want to go somewhere, if we play too loudly, or if there is a mess of toys left out, if a kid spills a drink, when the dog barks ( he's forced us to give away a few pets because they are bothersome to him in one way or another) , someone put the thermostat out of his required range, if dinner is not on a plate ready when he gets home...he does everything perfectly of course. He is very intolerant of "mistakes"- not even just with us in his immediate family. Sometimes i really wonder if I'm some sort of extraordinary mess up or something... but when i look around in outside life- i don't think so.

He also does not show me any affection ever, never really has. We barely have sex anymore because I stopped initiating it because i don't feel like having sex with someone who is always mean and if I am never shown any affection until the time in bed where he expects to lay back and be pleased, i feel used.

I think he believes that because we have a house, and kids and in private school and "everything I want" that I owe something to him because that's what i hear from him when i ask whats wrong. I work as well and also i maintain all of the house and children and mental workload of the family. I feel am a good wife and mother and house keeper. We are good people, we don't have money issues or addictions or any other red flag issues i can think of.

When i confront him about being mean and mad all the time he says he is not unhappy and he loves us more than anything but, "what I am supposed to do, just sit back and let you mess up or do or have whatever you want and just be happy about it"?
I'd specifically like to know what or how to reply to that. That is my priority with this post. Any other insight would also be appreciated.
Thank you.

Hi sdfrew2079. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are in a relationship that does not sound like it gives you any reinforcement or affection. We all may mess up but this constant control that is being exerted sounds like it is over the top.

These may be of interest if they apply to your situation.
How to Live with a Narcissist

Signs of Gaslighting and the Cost

7 Ways to Extinguish Gaslighting

Tips for Building Self-Esteem

@CANDC

Thanks for your reply. Additional info: I have tried to express my feelings in a non accusatory way several times. I have tired to be the bigger person and just demonstrate how i'd like to be treated consistently regardless of how I am being treated in return. Tried to get him to read love language book. None of those have worked. He also refuses to go to counseling. When we try to talk things out i find myself scared and then i cant think of what i should say and i end up sounding stupid and walk away thinking that i am being melodramatic or ashamed for bothering such a good hardworking man that provides me with everything... I am feeling so hopeless and trapped. I have always been able to deal in a capacity able to allow me to function at work and to take care of our children but i am finding it harder and harder.

"Yes, that's exactly what I need you to do. I also need you to let go of these high expectations that's bringing you down. I'm not responsible for how you feel and do think it would be helpful if you speak to a professional about this chronic need to keep everything orderly and quiet, 100% of the time."

In response to this:

"what I am supposed to do, just sit back and let you mess up or do or have whatever you want and just be happy about it"?

You can say:

"Stop telling me that i 'mess up' all the time. That's being OVERLY critical of EVERYTHING I do, it brings me down, and it is NOT loving and supportive behavior on your part. If you say you love me SO much and MORE than anything, then act like it by being supportive of me, by being appreciative of me, and stop being so critical and angry all the time about EVERYTHING -- I will NOT stand for it anymore!"

Then walk away.

LOL.

He is being abusive.
You do not have to tolerate his behavior, or make the world right for him.
He's not likely to seek help but I would if I were you, for yourself and the kids.

I think so too, thanks for the advice. I’m feeling so hopeless and trapped.

I am sorry you are struggling so much as you have shared. It may be your husband is on the spectrum or may have aspergers that was never diagnosed. Maybe he has ocd and gets very upset if things are not in the order he needs them to be in.
He seems to have low emotional ability to connect does that sound about right to you?

It’s possible, actually the thought has crossed my mind.
However, I have seen him be much more interested in other women than he has ever been with me. He also looks at porn online. I think he’s just too lazy to have sex with me these days. Plus we’ve been together for 20 years- since teens.
Also he was not as OCD before we had children so that would not make sense.
I’d be glad to give him compassion or anything I could do to help the situation. Especially if he had a sensitivity disorder. But as many things as I’ve tried and as many cruel outbursts he has had it is very difficult.
I think if we divorced he’d either have to change or find someone else to manage or just have someone without kids. Although he doesn’t allow us to go out to eat or shopping so I don’t know how he’d date anyone. He puts a lot of effort into checking the bank account and stuff like that. I think if he cared, he’d put in effort.
I’m really starting to open my eyes because my daughter is now 8 and she’s starting to say things that trouble me. I am certain to never talk to her about adult things or our personal issues. I never undermine him... but she will say things like, how come dad laughed with his friend on the phone but he never laughs with us. Or I’m glad dads not here I’m really enjoying playing today mommy. Or daddy hurt my feelings when he told me my necklace was stupid and I’m not allowed to wear it.

It just all runs so deep over so many years. It’s like I don’t even know where to start or what to do. I want to do the right thing.

There is such a large dynamic that we don't see here, to flat out feed information to someone such as sdfrew, jeopardizing this family, not even having a 1/16th of the information that encompasses this relationship and all the different connections forming it may not be the best way about this.

I don't know sdfrew something about getting outside advice on a family dynamic that has developed without the other side just seems wrong, not to condone any of the actions of your husband, without being malicious are you able to analogize his behavior or adapt your feelings back on to him self.

quick story... Girlfriend left the house late at night I asked where she went she lied then shut her phone off, I thought she was cheating and I stayed home, she ended up not coming home. Early that morning I called her sister crying asking have you heard from her, then told her I thought she may be cheating on me. She told me she had never thought of the other person when shes cheated in the past on her bfs and that she doesn't want to make someone feel like that again, assuring me her sister isnt capable of this.

Sometimes we don't realize our power and the ability to tear someone down if he can start to understand outside of maliciousness but through care maybe you have a chance for comprehension.

Sdfrew, it’s very concerning how your daughter expresses that she is happier when your husband is not around. It sounds like your husband emotionally neglects and undermines the emotional needs and desires of you and your children. Do you agree?

If your daughter is witnessing this abuse it is not good for her. She will learn that being treated poorly is the norm, and that abuse is normal.

I would agree with Sarah and openeyes, if your daughter witnesses bit and pieces as she gets older it may mold certain aspects of her. Sorry I missed that part.
Your in a tough situation, does he know detrimental his actions have been toward you? The porn will lead to lack of sex It did in terms of myself, along with other aspects we may not know from his view.
Are you leaning towards explaining yourself better or in a different way? Are there any opinions here that spurred different thoughts or perceptions?

So basically no one is allowed to have their own self esteem and identity and everyone has to live according to your husbands needs. Is that the kind of man you want your daughter to marry? Do you want your children to grow up thinking they are only there to service the needs of others like they see you do for your husband?

If my husband woke me up and ordered me to go outside and wash the chalk off the driveway he would most certainly regret pulling that kind of crappy behavior on me. Were you a good girl and got up and did what he asked?

Im going to throw this out there again, whether hes right or wrong your hearing one side or one view of a relationship.

I hope if I ever get married a bunch of people online don't "convince" my wife to divorce me and our family. The thought of this gives me chills knowing people could be feeding her ammo.

There are constructive ways to approach without taking sides or throwing under the bus

I don’t think anyone can convince anyone else to do anything (unless they aren’t legal adults or were kidnapped and force to do what PC tells them to do). If the person asks what others think she should do, others are going to suggest what they think.

OP then can decide what and if she wants to use any of the suggestions. Hopefully adults don’t just do what anonymous forum participants tell them. Hopefully people consider pro and cons and make their own decision.

I worry that you think you might marry someone who’d just blindly follow what Internet forum tells them. Why would you think you ever marry such a person? Or you think people in general just blindly follow what they read on the internet? Do you think you’d not marry an independent thinking woman who’d make her own decisions after carefully considering other options? I wonder why you think that

Pressure from peers, a trillion dollar industry called advertising, its suggestion, all it takes is a whisper to send the feather off the cliff.

I understand what your trying to say however, I don't know the OP which is why I threw my two cents out there, just like the next person.

I have two questions to ask you after wishing you all the strength in these tough moments.

These two questions are related each other.
Are you scared to proposed your husband to talk straight away with him and tell him that you all have a problem, especially because of his attitude, so basically, do you think there’s a possibility that he listens to you and agree to go to therapy?
Were are moments when do you think this conversation is possible without you putting you at risk?
If this is possible it would be worthy a try if you want to go on in the relation.
If things get better and he accepts he has a problem, there are many possibilities that your daughter can also cure this wound she’s beginning to show up.

It’s clear he has problems. I don’t know if these problems even got worse after your daughter’s birth.
His attitude is very controlling, pretty perfectionist. It’s possible that he didn’t ever notice up to what point he’s being this way. That’s why I mention therapy. Someone else from the outside has to make him to see himself.

The second question, do you want a divorce and begin another life with your daughter? In that case, do you feel scare of telling him, do you think you maybe at risk?

Hi Dan, no one is telling the OP to divorce her husband. However the behaviors she has been describing are concerning. I know for myself that I had to learn a great deal about why my husband behaves in ways that have challenged me. It took a long time for me to finally learn how my husbands behaviors are due to how his brain is wired as he has adhd and dyslexia and possibly some ocd issues. My husbands adhd is very predominant as there is a spectrum to that challenge and to a trained professional they see it right away. My husband had no idea he has adhd. He did not feel HE had a problem and would even say I was the one with the problem.

Also people can have aspergers and not know it and yet can present with needing things a certain way as the OP describes.

Often when a person describes walking away from trying to address the problem felling like they failed to communicate often it’s a red flag that the other person has a hard time communicating normally. I know that feeling she describes all to well. Once I found out why I had some very important facts that helped me understand the real issue I was addressing.

I do not think anyone is throwing anyone under the bus. I think the OP described her issues and people gave suggestions. And we are getting one side of the story because the OP's partner didnt join here to ask for help, she did.

There have been times in my life when I had to make a decision and didn’t want to be influenced by anyone’s opinion. In those cases I’d not ask anyone what they think. It’s very likely that people post on forums because they’d like to hear what others think. If people stop posting their opinions out of fear of influencing someone, this and all other forums would have to be closed.

Saying that, I hope OP is ok. Let us know how you are doing and if you need anything.

I’ve felt bad reading a couple of comments here and I’m not the O.P. I have also left the thread.
I’m referring to the issue about her daughter. I would have felt very embarrassed, guilty and judged.

To the OP, what you describe is abuse, plain and simple. You might want to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It was an eye opener for me. I'm concerned that you mentioned there are times you are afraid of him. Please be careful.