[justneedtotalk76]

My wife and I have been having problems lately. She said she doesn't connect to me anymore. I feel like this stems from her ex who she has a child with. They haven't been together since she was 9 weeks pregnant and the child is now 2. I have been raising her as my own daughter since before she was even born. We have been in and out of court with her abusive ex. He was held in contempt of court in February and is still on supervised visits after 2 years.

Fast forward to now. Since COVID has been going on he hasn't had anyone to supervise his visits. So my wife decided to let him facetime our daughter until he can get back on schedule. This is a man that we had an order of protection against and a no contact order on for 2 years. It just expired in January. Since it expired he has been contacting my wife again by text and using our daughter as the reason. But before this he never hardly used his visitation at all. Only once the order of protection expired did he really start acting like he cared. I feel that this is totally to get back with my wife. We even meet him at a park so he could see the daughter. Which I don't feel like was anyone our duty to do that.

Because of the way this man is and all of the things he did to us before we got the order of protection my wife and I decided it was best to do parallel parenting with him and have very little contact at all. But now I feel like this is all out the window. When he video calls he ends up talking to my wife and it is just to personal for me. If I say anything at all she gets angry with me. I just thought when he called he would only be talking to the daughter. And I mean how long can you actually talk on the phone to a 2 year old? He will end up staying on the phone for over an hour and will end up chatting with my wife. This all makes me very uncomfortable and I have such an uneasy feeling.

Am I taking this the wrong way and should somehow not let it bother me? Or is there a reason I feel like this inside?

[divine1966]

No 2-year olds would be on the phone for an hour (or chat).

What does the court order say about face time or video chat? I’d encourage your wife to follow court order and not do extra stuff. Flexibility is good when dealing with people who behave appropriately. You can’t be flexible with abusive people. I am concerned your wife is mad at you.

Well on the other hand it might not be up to you how much they stay on the phone. It’s hard to tell. I keep in touch with my ex (no abuse ever took place), our daughter is an adult on her own. But it’s usually brief and for a reason. I’d not like my husband telling me I shouldn’t ever talk to ex. But our infrequent conversations are very brief and typically a text so he doesn’t care. My husband probably felt weird and concerned if we chatted an hour. That’s too much

[justneedtotalk76]

The court order says that she isn't required to do phone calls until she is 7 years old. This man did horrible things to us and up until about a month ago my wife acted scared of him. Nothing changed in the court order due to COVID so I'm not sure why she is being so accommodating to him now. It's just to much for me. I don't want to come across as jealous. But it just doesn't feel right.

[MsLady]

I agree. If court order says phone calls can begin at 7 than that's what should happen.

I get this guy is problematic and I fully hear your concerns! This problem is to do with your wife, though. A 2 year old can not sustain a lengthy conversation so I'm assuming mom is filling in the blanks with what she's been doing, what's she's into, little mishaps about her day, etc. It's part of sharing who the child is.

Having said that, over an hour phone call is excessive. She may be pulled into his antics and doesn't know how to get out of their conversation. Despite how horrible he is, there's comfort in speaking with the other parent about every little details our friends would be bored with. Maybe this is a piece for her since you mentioned she's feeling disconnected from you.

Have you tried family counseling to talk about this case specifically?

[Have Hope]

I believe, given the history of abuse, that firm boundaries need to be exercised with the ex on your wife's part. Extended conversations with an abusive ex is contradictory behavior to getting a restraining order or court order, etc. against him. And WHY on earth would she even want to have any discussions with this man beyond what is necessary is my question and concern. And i hear you loud and clear -- I would be bothered by the behavior as well. What's also a tip off, a clue and an indicator that she may be getting sucked into his "charms" again is that she says she can't connect with you, her own husband, AND she's spending additional time on the phone with her ex. If that isn't a clue I don't know what is.

I would talk to her and approach her candidly about this. Obviously you cannot tell her what to do, but you can tell her what your preferences are, and you can ask her point blank what is going on with her, and why she is feeling disconnected from you. That may be a good launching pad for then discussing the ex and your own preferences, etc.

[justneedtotalk76]

We have tried family counseling before but not since he has came back into the picture. I understand her filling in the blanks but I think after a few minutes she could wrap it up. I also believe that he should only be using this on his scheduled every other Sunday. I'm not dumb and I fully know what his intentions are. I feel that once things go back to normal he will continue to use this avenue to contact her. I really thought I had 5 more years to prepare for this, lol.

[justneedtotalk76]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I believe, given the history of abuse, that firm boundaries need to be exercised with the ex on your wife's part. Extended conversations with an abusive ex is contradictory behavior to getting a restraining order or court order, etc. against him. And WHY on earth would she even want to have any discussions with this man beyond what is necessary is my question and concern. And i hear you loud and clear -- I would be bothered by the behavior as well. What's also a tip off, a clue and an indicator that she may be getting sucked into his "charms" again is that she says she can't connect with you, her own husband, AND she's spending additional time on the phone with her ex. If that isn't a clue I don't know what is.

I would talk to her and approach her candidly about this. Obviously you cannot tell her what to do, but you can tell her what your preferences are, and you can ask her point blank what is going on with her, and why she is feeling disconnected from you. That may be a good launching pad for then discussing the ex and your own preferences, etc.

I agree with everything you have said. I just didn't think she would be so friendly to him. I understand being cordial. But I just think this is excessive. I'm at a loss here. I have tried to communicate but I just can't get her to see or maybe to care how it makes me feel. This man did so many horrible things and to have to see him on that screen so often is really getting to me. I feel that he is a monster and we should only go by the court order. He has no boundaries and I know what he is capable of.

[divine1966]

Phone calls with 2 year olds are just excuses to talk to your wife. She should either stop it or keep it to 15 minutes every other Sunday. But she’ll do what she’ll do. Sadly she might not be willing to make changes. This is bothersome

[justneedtotalk76]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Phone calls with 2 year olds are just excuses to talk to your wife. She should either stop it or keep it to 15 minutes every other Sunday. But she’ll do what she’ll do. Sadly she might not be willing to make changes. This is bothersome

I think so too. But honestly I don't feel like there is anything I can do about it. I hate not being able to communicate about this. Maybe I should just not be around when he calls.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by justneedtotalk76

I agree with everything you have said. I just didn't think she would be so friendly to him. I understand being cordial. But I just think this is excessive. I'm at a loss here. I have tried to communicate but I just can't get her to see or maybe to care how it makes me feel. This man did so many horrible things and to have to see him on that screen so often is really getting to me. I feel that he is a monster and we should only go by the court order. He has no boundaries and I know what he is capable of.

It's very unsettling, I am sure, that she is even entertaining conversations with this monster beyond what needs to be said and discussed. I agree that being cordial is acceptable, but since this is upsetting you and triggering you, it seems inconsiderate on her part of your feelings in the matter. Ideally, she also considers how this impacts YOU, given that this man has caused so much trouble for the BOTH of you.

I would be quite upset if it were me, so I can understand your feelings completely. It would give me the creeps. And I would also feel confused by my partner's behavior.

If talking to her about him hasn't worked, what about just starting with why she feels disconnected from you right now? Perhaps this is a symptom of a problem that needs to be addressed first?

[justneedtotalk76]

It is very unsettling and creepy for that matter. It brings me such anxiety to even see his face on that tablet. I won't get into everything he did, but it was many terrible things. And now for him to sit there on the tablet and act all smug. It makes me uncomfortable in my own home. I can't just forget what he put us through. I can be cordial for the sake of our daughter. I know I can't stop him from his visitation. But I don't think we have to bend over for this man.

I will try that. But honestly I'm starting to become disconnected myself.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by justneedtotalk76

It is very unsettling and creepy for that matter. It brings me such anxiety to even see his face on that tablet. I won't get into everything he did, but it was many terrible things. And now for him to sit there on the tablet and act all smug. It makes me uncomfortable in my own home. I can't just forget what he put us through. I can be cordial for the sake of our daughter. I know I can't stop him from his visitation. But I don't think we have to bend over for this man.

I will try that. But honestly I'm starting to become disconnected myself.

I feel for you. Your feelings are valid, and you have a right to feel the way you do. It is very unfortunate that a third party is causing friction and now a disconnect on both your parts. He probably is smug, in knowing that he's able to get his toe in again now. That's how abusers operate. It's all about power and control over another, and now he has his toe in, so I am sure that gives him a sense of power in this situation where he initially had very little because of the court order.

Your wife needs to understand this, and maybe she does not yet. That abuse is always about power and control, and every action on the abuser's behalf is done in order to either gain or regain that power and control. A victim of abuse wants to believe there was actual love and caring involved. That's what the victim of abuse often struggles with grasping and fully seeing -- the manipulations and maneuvering that an abuser pulls, and how they put on a facade of caring, only with the end goal of gaining control of the victim again. If she knew this was all a power game on his end, she probably would be just as sickened as you are.

[MsLady]

I would persist with setting and maintaining boundaries. When it comes to abusive relationships, it's really hard for the victim to see and understand what's happening.. and to set firm boundaries. You can see and know it because you're "partially" an outsider here.. but you are the HUSBAND and PROVIDER for the child. You are more of a dad to this child than he is.

Is it possible to seek legal advice? Find out your rights and how you can better support your wife in a way she'll listen?

I don't know if stepping away during their conversations is a good idea. I'm thinking you're the strong one in this scenario and may need to be the one to remind her of the boundaries and keep them.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by justneedtotalk76

I think so too. But honestly I don't feel like there is anything I can do about it. I hate not being able to communicate about this. Maybe I should just not be around when he calls.

You might have to. Just not be home but then again what if this guy attempts something dangerous... maybe being home is better, not in the same room maybe

Honestly I think if it was in court order your wife would have to comply but if it’s not, it’s very upsetting that she talks to him for an hour.

I feel for you

[Open Eyes]

It’s very concerning that your wife is suddenly saying she doesn’t feel connected to you and she is choosing to allow this clearly abusive presence in to talk to her this way. This man is clearly playing her and it’s a game to him. Your wife should get professional help for this so she understands she is allowing herself to be manipulated. He knows how to push her buttons as all abusers do. In fact they actually take pride in that.

Your gut is right this is unhealthy. Abusers use something people care about to get what they want from others. In this case this man is using the child to get to her. And its almost like she is using the child to get to him. Abusers and deceptive people can lay quiet for a while and reinvent themselves only to be even more deceptive under their new mask.

The one I feel really bad for is the child.

[AzulOscuro]

I understand your worries. I’m all for the idea that a partner who has to be put a restrain order again his/her ex, shouldn’t be allowed to contact with their children.
I know it’s very hard but who is abused with his/her spouse, there are many probabilities to use their kids to go on with the abuse.

I’m sorry a lot.

[justneedtotalk76]

Thank you all for your thoughts on this. I am in the same boat. Why should he have any contact with the child? He never wanted her anyway. His communication to the child is so fake. And honestly he doesn't even know her at all. The longest he has ever been around her was 6 hours. I know It's just a way to be able to talk to my wife. It really makes me sick that this narcissistic man always seems to get what he wants in the end. We went to court in February and even the judge sees right through him. Told him if he didn't use even minute of his next visits before we go back to court he may take his rights away. So why help this monster at all? I feel he needs to figure this out on his own. He has his foot in the door now and I just feel in my heart that he is going to eventually go off again. He is a ticking time bomb.

[Open Eyes]

Often there are things that don’t make sense until you learn more about how a person develops and how person can often be drawn to someone that is bad like this. Often the root comes from a woman unknowingly picking a man like her father because of how certain behaviors are familiar and then having a deep desire to get the love a child just could not seem to get.

It would be helpful to learn about her parents and what kind of man her father was/is.

Do you know her history?

[lizardlady]

First, let me say I also believe he is using phone calls to the daughter as an excuse to talk to your wife. Given the current situation I don't see how face to face visits could continue. How do you interact with a 2 year old from 6 feet away. Plus I believe you said it's not possible to have the visits supervised. Seems that contact would have to be via phone, facetime or the like, but those visits should have the same limits as to frequency and length as face to face.

Someone suggested you talk to your wife about why she no longer feels connected to you. Sounds like an excellent idea.

I have a kind of off the wall idea. If you are currently under a stay at home order, could it be that your wife talks to the ex in order to have someone outside the house to talk to?

[AzulOscuro]

Agree with Open Eyes.
Your wife is at risk so I can figure why you are concerned. It’s not easy to get rid of someone even when this person was an abuser.
Many times, this person ( your wife) the abused person, didn’t realised that she’s being abused because there were patterns in her infancy that are similar so, she tends to justify the negative aspects and stress on the positive ones.

Many times I have heard about how a kid who is being abused or mistreat by his parents, no matter, the kid will respond with an “I love you mum, or I love you dad”. It’s a way to protect himself.

Like Lizard and others told you before, talk with your wife. She needs to know that you are on her side whatever it may happen.

I can figure how much you are suffering with this situation and I feel for you.

[justneedtotalk76]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Often there are things that don’t make sense until you learn more about how a person develops and how person can often be drawn to someone that is bad like this. Often the root comes from a woman unknowingly picking a man like her father because of how certain behaviors are familiar and then having a deep desire to get the love a child just could not seem to get.

It would be helpful to learn about her parents and what kind of man her father was/is.

Do you know her history?

From what I know her dad raised her and he wasn't a good man. Her mom left her when she was a toddler. She also had an abusive older brother.

[Have Hope]

@justneedtotalk76, what would help you the most right now? Yo've gotten some opinions on your wife needing to create better boundaries with the ex. In the meantime, you two are growing apart somewhat, or there's now a distance between you because of the ex abusive monster. A couple of us had suggested approaching your wife to ask the reason why she feels disconnected from you. Is that a good place for you to start? What other kind of help and advice are you hoping to receive from the thread?

[justneedtotalk76]

You are probably correct Lizard. With the stay at home order we don't get to see hardly anyone. Maybe it is her just wanting someone else to talk to. I know we have ran out of things to discuss because nothing new is even happening.

Azul she didn't have the best childhood. She doesn't talk about it much but I know she didn't have to best situation growing up. I am on totally on her side and I just don't want him to hurt her or our daughter. That is my biggest concern. I have seen first hand the things he has done. Broken down doors, lit things on fire. I mean crazy crazy things. He can be nice and charming but it is a ploy to get back in. Time and distance do seem to make us forgot or overlook things that have happened. I just know that this man has not changed, will not change. And it scares me.

On a positive note though he called today and said they needed to talk in private. She shot that down and said that he could tell her what he needed with me there. So hopefully he got the message.

[justneedtotalk76]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

@justneedtotalk76, what would help you the most right now? Yo've gotten some opinions on your wife needing to create better boundaries with the ex. In the meantime, you two are growing apart somewhat, or there's now a distance between you because of the ex abusive monster. A couple of us had suggested approaching your wife to ask the reason why she feels disconnected from you. Is that a good place for you to start? What other kind of help and advice are you hoping to receive from the thread?

I wanted to be heard by someone and make sure what I am feeling is justified. I also want to try and patch things up with her and get back to where we our before he came back into the picture.

I can't keep avoiding it though. We do need to discuss this and set firm boundaries. I don't want to feel this way anymore and it isn't healthy for either of us. Thank you all for listening to me. I don't really like laying my problems on others, but didn't know where else to turn.

[AzulOscuro]

You did very well by coming here.
Noone wants to “ charge” others with his problems but sometimes we need to share them with somebody.
Your worry is legitimate. The thing that your wife still sees herself forced to a bound with this man because of their daughter is something to be concerned on.
So, you did well. And you can count with us.

I’m glad for the last news about your wife giving you your place.
I think this girl is very lucky to have you as a father.