Attraction

I don't think so. Both his mother and sister are overweight. I think some of his behaviours may stem from his dad but I'm bot sure what he's done in the past. I know he often says inappropriate things, too. They're both attention seekers, ADHD, and have tendencies of saying inappropriate things for laughs (although they're often the only ones laughing).

Sometimes I think my partner's behaviours stem from his insecurities with his own body image. For example, what he's drawn to in a woman is a body part he's particularly insecure of in himself. I'm wondering if it's become more of an obsession to look rather than looking because he finds them sexy?

well unless you can prove that he has absolutely no control over his behaviors and words due to his diagnosis, I’d say he needs to stop or at least curb inappropriate behaviors regardless what causes it. Does he behave like this on a job? If not or not to that extent, then he has some control over it?

My husband has Tourette’s and severe OSD (he has ADHD as well but it’s neither here nor there as very many people have it).

It’s not something I think he has, it’s something he actually has. He is on a very low medication dose because he is afraid it would effect his career if he increases his dose but without meds he’d have hard time leaving the house. Yes it causes him to do some goofy ticks and make some goofy sounds and say weird things (although thankfully nothing of sexual nature or degrading or unkind). When something does come out he addresses it. By now he knows and I know what’s Tourette’s and what’s OCD or what’s just him being stupid lol he had it all his life and was first time diagnosed at age 20. He uses some strategies that he works on with his therapist.

So your husband doesn’t know what causes his behaviors? And now you are trying to figure out why he acts this way and think he just can’t help it? So do you really think your husband objectifies women in this manner and makes these comments and acts this way because he has ADHD ? You also suspected he has NPD or HPD and now it’s because he is obsessing about things.

So you don’t think he has control over staring at women and being inappropriate or argumentative or whatever other things he does? If that’s the case, he needs official diagnosis demonstrating how he has no control over anything. I don’t think you’d ever find such diagnosis unless maybe you can prove that he is incapacitated

“You will not catch me in a sexy dress, ever. I don't typically sport a cleavage, either. A sweater I was wearing showed some. I'm a "nice shirt" and jeans kinda girl. I've never dressed provocatively.. just never felt inclined to. So the compliments I do get is when I'm by chance wearing something more fitting.. a newer top, skinny jeans..”

^I wonder if his compliments are his way to encourage you to dress more sexy. He’s not doing it in a good way, and why in front of the girls?

His treatment of the waitress is really strange. It sounds like he has some really skewed attitudes. It might have something to do with the overweight mother and sister, his father’s attitudes, and his sense of narcissism. His treatment of the waitress is arrogant, and over breast size is mind boggling.

I’m not sure what to suggest to you. I hope you get along better in other areas and can voice your boundaries and come to an agreement with him.

All that attention on the looks of your daughter concerns me, too.

It's not really what I think. It's what he's told me. He's "unaware".. has "no memory" of it, must have been "subconscious".. must lack self awareness.. etc.

He briefly mentioned the "women" issue to his therapist. She said it's a "mindfulness" issue. He started reading the book called, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy workbook and it has a unit on mindfulness.

It's confusing because he's also a "compulsive liar" (he's admitted) so I'm really clueless how much of this is purposeful and how much is a complete unawareness.

I think it might be coming from his family and how he was raised

You said his grandpa or kids’ grandpa was repeatedly rubbing your child’s nipples and your husband didn’t even think it was a big deal and didn’t even want to do anything about it

It’s possible that these behaviors are not caused by illnesses but are all learned behaviors, something he got used to and in fact normalized in his mind

He says and does a lot of questionable things. It can’t be that he is completely unaware and clueless about absolutely everything, can it? Do you really believe it?

Well.. it's why I've been reading up on HPD, BPD, and NPD. None of them fit him entirely, though. He's not aggressive or over the top. It's like he has traits from all 3 but not enough for them to amount to anything.. (from my untrained perspective).

Then there's his previous drug addiction that would have had some level of brain injury.. plus his brain lesions from his MS. I honestly can't answer your questions with certainty.

I guess moving forward, since he's in therapy (and with our benefits package, we're only entitled to 5-6 visits total) I'm trying to address concerns I have so he can forward them on to his therapist.. as he has, so far.

For me, I was wanting everyone's perspective on what is appropriate behaviour towards your significant other, in terms of compliments, sexual advances, etc.. so I'm not being unnecessarily critical to the point he's not going to know how to behave around me at all.. and clearly, I'm not sure what's respectful, what is typical guy behaviour, and what is a definite no.

Well these aren’t typical guy behaviors and mostly these behaviors are not respectful at all. I know many people, these behaviors are not the norm

In my experience even with all PDs combined and drug addiction and brain leisures, he has at least some capacity to control something and be aware of something around him.

Unless maybe like I said before he is completely mentally incapacitated, but you said he works so he must have some awareness of what happens around him and what he does or says at least to some degree.

If he can figure out how to get himself to work and complete work task, he must have some awareness of something

For me, it's like he doesn't have a moral compass. He acts without thinking unless someone of importance to him (his mom, sister, a colleague, a woman, etc) is watching.

Yesterday he talked about wanting to dig out a poppy plant from a neighbouring school [to bring it home]. I told him he couldn't do that. He said no but that we could from a park. I said he couldn't do that, either (they're purchased plants paid by the city).. he retracted and said he meant from the wooded area across the street which mainly has wild plant matter .. (but no poppies). So I called him on it. I told him not to trick me. He plainly wanted to steal plants from a public center. Nothing less. He smirked.

He doesn't have a habit of stealing.. to my knowledge. He comes home with receipts all the time. So, this conversation seemed out of character, even for him. Or, now that he's been honest about things (compulsive lying and financial infidelity) then he's more comfortable in putting his true self forward?

Either way, I'm losing more interest by the day.

Was he always this way? I just don’t fully understand how he hid his personality and lack of moral compass from you for so long? How long you’ve known him? Usually human nature, values and character are obvious within few months unless someone is a con artist. Is he good at pretending?

I think it depends on your partner. Some people are naturally flirtatious but they don't act on their attraction. Speaking about it rather than having feelings stew is the key I suggest.

Maybe I just didn't notice. Or maybe I thought he was "just being a jerk".. "just being insensitive" .. "just ADHD".. but as time went on, I started noticing patterns. We've been together for 6 years. I think a part of it is his sudden willingness to open up about things. He denied a lot of his lies/trickery, having me believe I was just "suspicious" and "paranoid".. something my mom had said once.

I feel like something happened between February and early April of this year. Whatever it was is no longer an issue.. and now these "confessions". So.. who knows the real story.

We've spoken about it to death. He claims he's "unaware".. it must have been done "subconsciously".. minimized his actions to innocent "people watching", denied of crushes until years later, accused me of being "jealous", "suspicious", "paranoid" .. but then recently is falling apart at the seams with worry that I've met someone else.. me. Um, ok.. then confesses about his compulsive lying.. etc.

I almost hucked my cell across the room after reading this text from him tonight:

"I am in a place that I am grateful for, with people I love and want to be with until the end. It's not always happy but I see our family as a positive for all of us, we are lucky to be in such a warm and loving family. It's always going to be a work in place but the love will always be there.."

What reality is he in??

Or how about this one:

"I have flaws but I am a good person and I will be happy if our girls end up being loved by someone like me when they are older and having their own families"...........wtf?

Oh I’ve across people who like to write letters and make comments about themselves that they are “good people” and “loving and caring and everyone should be like them” . If you are so great, everyone already knows it and you have no need to convince anyone

People who are loving and caring have no need to convince anyone about it. Everyone would already know.

I know someone who liked to write these kind of letters to people whom she abused and to people who had nothing to do with her because of abuse. If people fell for it and decided to give her a chance, she quickly reversed to her old ways. She was formally diagnosed with personality disorder, sadly she refused to seek therapy because she didn't like what therapists had to say

Believing that you possess all these wonderful qualities and are G-d’s gift to universe and everyone should be like you often goes hand to hand with cluster B personality disorders

Not trying to diagnose over the internet but I remember you were wondering that

Ugh. That's exactly what my husband told me when we first met: "I am a very loving, kind, sweet and giving person." Then he turned out to be the way he is - on and off abusive. I fell for it because I was very vulnerable, coming off a breakup just months before.

Sorry to interject my own story in here.

No worries! Share away 🙂

I was in this exact scenario, too. I ended my marriage, abandoned my toxic family, and was left to raise a special needs youth alone.. just 2 months prior to the start of my current relationship. Then my landlord of 10+ years told me we needed to move out, as he was planning on tearing down our house to rebuild for himself, and gave me 6mo notice. In those 10 years, property value hit their highs and what I was renting a whole house for, I couldn't even find a decent basement suite.. and with an unpredictable special needs youth.. no vehicle.. and a job I couldn't afford to leave, my options were scarce. Sooo, when my partner offered us his place that was in the same neighborhood as my son's school, I really didn't have another option.. let alone, a "better" one. Hard times.

I can sooo relate to this. My husband and I moved in together within just 2 months of dating, and out of pure necessity. We both desperately needed to move out and quickly from where we each were living. Moving in together so soon is what catapulted us on a fast track towards marriage. Ugh. I really did know better.