Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

I edited my post above. I realize this thread is lengthy but yeah there’s a lot more to the story.

I know you probably really aren’t blaming your parents deep inside. Even if you were in a situation when you had to move in with someone, your parents didn’t really make you marry him. Sometimes people temporarily have to stay with someone but they are free to move out eventually or just live together, they aren’t forced to marry just because they have no place to live.

And I don’t think parents can tell their adult children to move or not move in with someone. I don’t think anyone can. Especially if your kids are 47. If kids ask for opinion, it’s ok to give it but when you tell adult children what to do it usually never works. They don’t listen. I know I’d never listen to my parents re dating or moving or marrying and my daughter would never listen to me.

I am just speaking as a parent. At some point kids grow up and make their own life, make their own mistakes and face their own natural consequences. How else would they grow if parents are there to save them to no end? And your parents let you stay living with them for quite awhile. I could see if they let you move in, and then tell you to move out a week later. They probably felt they gave you enough time to stand on your feet. I don’t mean to be cold hearted, you know I have your best interest in heart but I just don’t see how your parents are to blame.

They’re not to blame. I’m just angry and mainly at myself. I should have asked to stay longer. I should have paid attention to the red flags and my gut. I was vulnerable. I let him woo me.

How long after his divorce, did your husband started dating you? Was it enough time to process his divorce and her hus ducks in a row or was it soon after? Was he single and completely self supporting for at least some time in between?

It was three years later that he dated me. He lived with another woman long before me and immediately following his separation.

I hope you know I personally am not telling you to get divorced whatsoever. Just that you got to sit down with him and maybe outside help like therapist or advisor and make some adjustments and changes to make sure things are smooth sailing from now on and you are both on the same page. No need to get divorced if maybe all you need is to work a bit on things.

That was long enough after divorce then. But he still sounds he wasn’t long enough on his own, he always lives with someone. So he got his financial situation into a disaster during three years after his divorce? That’s a fast time to accumulate enough debt to file bankruptsy. That’s alarming. Who was he living with when you’ve met? A friend? Roommate? Relative? You said he lived in someone’s house as a favor from someone and he was told to leave. Then you both got a place together. Are you both on a lease? Or just you?

Thank you.

You mentioned earlier you were giving up on the idea of couples therapy with him. From experience with my 1st marriage, I made sure I did everything I could to try to make it work, including therapy, right up to the bitter end. That way I walked away knowing I did my absolute best. Be prepared as well, once you start the divorce process and even right after a divorce, he may try to win you back. Make sure that you aren't blinded by his soothing words and really watch his actions all the way past the divorce. Unless he truly changes, don't give in. But if you do see the changes, give him a chance. I have seen marriages turn around right at the last minute. But I have also seen people take the abuser back after divorce only to watch them cheat/abuse again.

He was separated for three years. The divorce finalized while we were together and before we got engaged. He was living on his own when we first started dating. The debt he had accumulated I found out was his own debt that his father handed back to him that he wracked up over the years on credit cards. When his father lost ALL His wealth and money, he handed back to my husband 50-60K in credit card debt. Apparently, his ex was paying it for him????? She stopped paying the cards after he left her, and he had to declare bankruptcy because of the debt. I only just found this out recently. Before we married, he made it seem like she was to blame for his bankruptcy and that huge debt. He still claims she is responsible for the bankruptcy. He had said to her while they were in the middle of the divorce, "pay off this debt and you can have the house my parents bought". Something like that. I don't exactly recall. The details have changed since we first met. He wasn't exactly forthcoming with the fact that the 50-60K in debt WAS HIS.

Thank you.

I am only saying that in the case that IF he yells at me one more time, I may not have any more patience and may just end the marriage. But thank you for your advice... definitely good food for thought.

Yeah my husband did couples therapy with his ex as the last resort because it was an ultimatum he gave her. He said he was leaving unless she goes to couples therapy with him. It was a disaster though. He however still believes it could be very helpful If both parties are honest and forthcoming and are committed to improvement. It could be helpful!

Yes, it could be helpful, absolutely.

I feel sooooo lost right now. SO many thoughts swirling.

Well, today is a "normal" day for us. Meaning, we are going about our day together in a loving and sweet way. We lay in bed all morning doing our independent things on our phones (me on here and him on his game) while snuggling a bit and watching our favorite real estate shows. Then we went to the market for food shopping and now we're home just hanging out. Everything feels totally normal, like this is the way it's supposed to be.

It's killing me that he has NO clue what I am thinking of and going through right now, but I also wouldn't dare tell him that I have doubts about our marriage. I know what that will do and it won't lead to anything good. I'd rather keep it to myself completely, deal with it alone in therapy, with my friends and on here, until I come to some sort of resolution. But it's still killing me.

I don't understand this. Why not have him understand where you're at with this marriage?

I have my reasons. And why on earth would I make things worse during a pandemic when we're stuck at home together 24/7? We're trying to improve things... or he is trying to make improvements. I have to give him that chance. Plus, he should already be aware. When he yelled at me three weeks ago, I told him this is not the marriage I signed up for. Divorce is mentioned in nearly every fight. And why would I tell him that I have doubts when he is trying to make things better? It would only cause a fight, tension and distance.

I am approaching all of this in the way that I feel is RIGHT for me. Maybe another person would do things very differently. But I have to do what is right and most comfortable FOR ME.

I just saw a post from an acquaintance from my social circle on Facebook.

He wrote, "I hate being alone!"

Then he wrote, '.... i spent most of my first 40 years without a partner... and life is just more fun with someone to share it with."

And that would be me! I really don't want to be alone either! And he just made me painfully aware of that fact!!!!

Yes being alone is usually less fun (although being single has many benefits too). Sadly not wanting to be alone often causes us to settle for bad or mediocre choices of partners, it seems better than being alone at the moment. In a long run it usually isn’t.

Yes... I am definitely aware of that fact. It’s hard being alone but harder in the wrong marriage.

When we got engaged, I had written in my journal that I had found the best man I've ever met, and the best man overall. I was very happy.

It was several months into our engagement when I began to see more of his behaviors, and then, just before the wedding he blew up at me, and for the months just following our wedding.

But at the time of engagement, I was happy with him and really thought I had hit the jackpot.

It took three weeks, but now I am back to feeling more normal and comfortable with him again. It is this period that makes me feel like I don't want to leave him. Then an incident occurs, and I do.

You think after telling him over and over he should understand your point of view but most likely he does not. Most people who don't work on themselves act out of instinct and aren't aware of their surroundings. If he has done nothing to your knowledge to work on his anger, beware. You can say you are going to work on things, you can try to hold yourself back for a while until it gets uncomfortable. I am not trying to put anyone in a bad light, but you have to protect yourself from harm. Stay positive, focus on his good qualities. Practice gratitude! Hope things get better!

Thanks, guy. He cannot control himself apparently. That's what I figured. He explodes in frustration because he never learned how to manage his emotions appropriately. His father explodes, so he does too.

If people are truly unable to control themselves like due to some type of disorder, then they behave in the same explosive rude manner on the job. They’d be calling coworkers and customers names, scream and make unreasonable demands and they’d be unable to keep any job whatsoever, they’d be fired on a spot every time .

It’s not what’s happening in most cases though. These people who supposedly can’t control themselves, certainly don’t act like this at work or public places (some do but very few) so they CAN control themselves.

They act like this at home either with innocent children who can’t leave or with partners who put up with it. And they behave like this because they know their partners aren’t going nowhere.

If they ever choose a partner who wouldn’t allow such crap, then it becomes either a volatile relationship with both people at each other throat or it never lasts as their partners immediately leave. So people like this choose partners who stick around putting up with crap either because they are too nice or too vulnerable etc They also know that periodically they need to act nice because they have to keep their partners hooked.

Eventually their partners learn that the only way to keep things nice and a peaceful (on a surface) they need to not rock the boat, don’t bring any issues up, don’t address anything, walk on egg shell and then there will be no fights or issues. Then the explosive one can hold all the power.

Then these people go to work and behave. They behave at work and other public places because they can. And they don’t behave at home again because they can.

What are you saying? That I put up with his crap and he thinks he can get away with it because I haven't left yet? That is so far from the truth! I do NOT put up with it, I HAVE put my foot down NUMEROUS times over this issue, and I have threatened divorce EVERY SINGLE TIME. And the last time this happened, I told him this is NOT the marriage I signed up for, and IF it happens again, then we're going to have serious problems! It's not like I am lying down, accepting his behavior and allowing it to happen. I'm NO doormat, and that is not what is happening.

I hope you were talking more generally speaking, and not about my own relationship?

He does have ADHD as well, which I've read can cause explosive anger like this.

And I think it does happen at work, sometimes. I think he exploded in his last job on his boss.