Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Yesterday we were out in the city at an outdoor cafe. Our waitress had dark hair and dark eyes. So I asked him is she more your type? He got upset and so I told him, what you told me about dark haired women being your preference has forever effected me. He said you’re the one I want. I’m attracted to YOU.

I hate that he made me feel so insecure and less than ideal with that one single comment! I am angry about it all over again. I am furious. No matter what he tells me, it doesn’t matter. The damage is done.

You probably need to let it go somehow with that dark hair comment. I know it is hard to let things go

I know. It’s soooooo hard though. I’m going to address it in therapy this week.

But right now I hate him for making that comment and for making me feel insecure.

You go through high and low with him a lot. One minute he is the greatest and the next you are divorcing. I wonder if that’s how you usually feel in relationships or just in this one. Like he has such polar opposite qualities, some are great and some aren’t so you feel different every day. It’s a bit of a roller coster of emotions!

I’ve never felt that way in healthier relationships I’ve had. It is a roller coaster of emotions lately. It’s not me.. it’s the relationship.

I have not been saying he’s the greatest (I don’t believe). Sometime I feel happier. But for the last month or so I’ve been considering divorce. I created this thread right after he yelled at me again and after we had the most toxic kind of fight. And yes ever since then, it’s been a roller coaster. Guess that’s what considering divorce can do.

For sure. It’s confusing. Hopefully things settle down. It does sound like he’s been improving so that’s promising!

It is both confusing but somewhat promising. And thank you.

I wrote a post on one of my women's emotional abuse forums on Facebook about the dark hair, dark eyes comment he made, and a whole slew of women said their husband or ex did the same exact thing to them.

I am now convinced he did this on purpose (either consciously or subconsciously) to make me feel insecure around him, which absolutely enrages me!!!!!

Yes, discuss it in therapy. I doubt he did it just to upset you. What would that gain him? Did he do it before or after your wedding?

Have you heard of ‘negging’? Do you think it was this?
“Negging is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator's approval. The term was coined and prescribed by pickup artists.”

IDK if my comparisons are helpful to you but— the first thing that set me off was him making a comment about me not being attractive and desirable while pregnant. It was due to his not initiating sex and me asking why.

I didn’t react to it at the time, but I did a few years later, when the sex situation got worse.

You mentioned a sex issue, too. I’m just wondering if the sex issue is an underlying bigger issue with your relationship overall issues. However, your husband really did make some comments that show not great character on his part. Racial slurs especially in the middle of the situation racially right now!?

I believe he said this after our wedding sometime. Sometime in the last year.

He may not have said it to upset me per se, but it certainly made me feel TOTALLY insecure, and why else tell me his preference (a preference that I do NOT match) UNLESS he WANTS me to feel insecure and "less than"?

He is SUCH an a-s-s-h-o-l-e.

I am divorcing this bas-t-ar-d as soon as I am able to.

Just don’t do like I did by going through the divorce and then changing your mind.

We don't have a sex issue necessarily. Our sex is great between us and chemistry is good. But what he HAS done, is he has withheld sex from me, I believe as a way to punish me when I've questioned him on anything. He has done similar things in the past. Like turn his back towards me in bed when I've questioned him in any way about something. I am NOT allowed to question him, apparently, or else I get the cold shoulder, his back turned, lack of affection and lack of sex.

He's been making an effort sexually lately though, and there's been more of it lately.

But I think i am just done. I am NOT happy, I am miserable, and he is an abusive F who will not improve. It feels hopeless, and his comment about the hair will forever make me feel insecure with him. I cannot live like that.

That was mean of your husband to say to you, by the way. Very cruel.

I won't. Once I make up my mind, I am following through!!!!!

I know what I need to do first, and it will take me nearly a year before I can actually call it quits and leave him for good.

Im sorry. That sucks. It is a grieving process to realize that you are not perfectly everything your husband may want. We all have qualities that our mates do not find to be their best preference. I think you have two things going on here. Accepting that fact, and forgiving your husband for using it against you.

I can know that my mate prefers certain body features I do not have. I can also let go of the fact that they told me so in a hurtful way. Then I can begin to heal myself where this issue hurts me.

What area of your feelings does this hurt you the most?

Thank you.

What hurts the most? Is to know that my husband is deliberately trying to cut me down, put me down, make me feel "less than" and HURT me. That is NOT love. It is abuse.

I am fully realizing everything. It's taking me time to process and to come to this place.

I am in an abusive relationship, and I need OUT.

Even if our SOs lack physical attributes we prefer, it’s really hurtful to them, and relationship suicide to tell them this.

I never cut my husband down physically, rather built him up. But, I once blurted out an unforgivable jab in anger which I really regret. But he never reacted to it. I suppose I was trying to push him away, but he isn’t having it. I’m not exactly sure why he hangs on.

^He was just being honest and too unthinking to realize the hurt he was causing. Maybe this was the same intention that blurted the comment about the dark hair preference from your husband’s mouth.

Well, I don't know what your husband's intentions were, but it's very hurtful to say to a pregnant wife that they are unattractive. He should have known it would be hurtful. What a LOVING, ADORING husband should have said is "you are sooooo beautiful, pregnancy and all, and I love you sooooo much."

And I am not excusing my husband's comment away. He knew it would be hurtful. He knew exactly what he was doing. He intended for it to cause harm to me. This I am 100% certain about.

All of his actions show the same kind of hurtful intent. And I see it all very clearly now. His mean, cutting "jokes" that are put downs disguised as jokes. It's all meant to cut me down, put me down, insult me and hurt me. He IS abusive. Bottom line. And his behaviors all match those of an abuser. Abusers need to put down, insult and hurt their partners. That's what abuse is. This is not a TRULY loving relationship, and I see now that all his loving behaviors are all manipulative.

There's no way around it. And I am not going to explain away his behavior any more.

I made an emergency call to my therapist to see if we could talk today instead of tomorrow.

I need to cope with my relationship and manage it until I can announce that I am divorcing him. And I am NOT going to announce it until I am 100% ready to leave, meaning I have the money saved so I can move out ASAP. I am going to tell him then, and only then, when I am ready to move out.

But until then, I must play as an actor would and pretend everything is ok. Though I think he is sensing something is wrong. He keeps asking me nearly every day, "what's wrong" and "are you OK?"

Last night I was pissed off in general at him and could not really talk to him much. I am going to withdraw emotionally from him and distance myself.

I really want to talk to my therapist and like right now.

I am full of RAGE right now. I am practically shaking! I am SO angry at him! Finally, I am now angry!!!!!!!! I do NOT deserve this crap whatsoever. I am SO done.

My ex husband said things like that like about weight after giving birth (wasn’t even much of a weight), and other comments re preference in appearances like wanting me having certain kind of hair cuts. He made some insensitive comments and so did I. He remembered things he said because he asked for forgiveness years later. We had to ask each other for forgiveness for a lot of stupid things years later. We had to.

My ex tends to be insensitive. I knew I never want a man like that again. I guess his excuse was him being very young at the time and he greatly improved with age but at the core his lack of thoughtfulness still shines through. He still says things that could rub people the wrong way

I understand how you feel. I felt like that. I know the feeling. And I know I tend to be insensitive myself and can hurt people’s feelings. It hunts you even if you forgive it. It’s like it never fully goes away no matter how confident one is.

That's exactly 100% accurate. It never goes away for me. And no matter what he says to me, it doesn't make any difference for me. The comment was made, and damage was done.

I just informed my parents about what's going on. I finally let them in. And I am so glad I did. I need and want their support now. I have been carrying this by myself in my life and I need to let them in. They were very supportive. My dad has noticed my husband's anger and control issues. My mother has noticed and says that she can tell my husband does truly love me. Both were supportive of my leaving him, if my well-being and self esteem are being damaged and if I am being abused. They both have some amount of hope that he can improve. And they both think he will try to hold onto me when I do tell him I am leaving him. They agree that couples therapy is necessary in order for my husband to truly improve because he has so many issues.