Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

I wish I was wealthy too. Ha don’t we all? It’s not a unique desire.

I think if one wants to do reasonably well in life one has to make an effort. I understand you said he might have some learning difficulties but so do many others. There are ton of well paid jobs that don’t require college degree. I know some well off people who have no formal education but they work very hard at whatever trade they’ve learned. This one guy running moving business and easily make half a mil a year.

If he wants to follow his father and brother suit, he should. Might not be wealthy but might do well. He wants to be wealthy but won’t do nothing to even fully support himself.

Does he like his job? Hopefully he takes pride in it even if it doesn’t pay as much.

You said you are compatible in some ways. That’s a good sign. Sometimes people are very compatible yet are different people and some people are similar at their core yet are not compatible. Do you have a list in mind how compatible you are? And in what ways?

He does love his work.. .he loves the field. And it's not my place to push him to switch jobs or careers, though i don't think that's what you're suggesting. But I am not interfering. And he feels stuck where he is. He does not feel he can do much else. He has 20 years of experience in his field. He wishes he could be wealthy, but its' a pipe dream, like it is for most people. He feels like a failure because he's not as successful as his father was or his brother is.

Yes, we are compatible in several ways. Right now, my lists are about the positives and negatives. I suppose I could make another list, but it may just confuse me even more. My list of negatives is enough for me to want to divorce him right now and is outweighing the positives.

I’d not push him either. I don’t think it’s a good idea to push people to change careers.

I agree it’s not your place BUT if he asks you for money and for you to buy stuff, then it kind of becomes your place. It’s like when kids turn 18 and argue they are adults and it’s not your business to tell them what they do. Sure. But next time they ask you for money, it becomes your business and your place. Within reason of course.

That’s how I look at it. No one can tell me what to do. But I also don’t ask anyone for anything. When I’ll start asking, they’ll have rights to tell me what to do (within reason).

Just my opinion of course

I hear you. He always pays me back. When he changed jobs is when I had to support him more so that he could rev up business for himself. That went on for 6 months then he was able to make all ends meet, especially once he started earning a monthly bonus. Now it’s just the odd - will you cover this and I’ll pay you back kind of thing. But when he said “we should buy this chair” I assumed he meant I should buy it for him, putting it on my credit card and he would pay me back in installments. But then he said he’ll buy it.

I still don’t feel it’s my place to say anything or get him to change jobs so he can make more money. He just changed jobs last October. It takes months on a new job in his profession before he can make any real money. It’s like starting all over again at the bottom. I would never ask or demand he do that.

I know. I wasn’t completely serious about it. I don’t think people need ton of money to be happy.

Agreed. But money sure makes life easier. Stress over money sucks.

People need to be comfortable and on the same page for finances not being an issue. You personally shouldn’t have much stress about money with nice salary you have. If stress about money is caused by your spouse then something needs to be done about it. That was my whole point. Not that people need to be wealthy or you need to tell him what to do.

I see. Yes agreed. The only way I see that happening is through couples counseling.

Yesterday he was looking at gem jewelry online again and I asked him "honey, why are you looking at things you cannot afford to buy?" and he said "because I love you and I want to get you something nice." I only told him "that's really sweet of you, but you don't need to buy me anything." I did not say (yet again), "please don't buy anything you cannot truly afford and please don't use credit to buy me nice things".

This is yet another example of how we're not on the same page about finances. He thinks that buying me jewelry shows me that he loves me, just as his father did with his mother, but it's not what I care about. Yes, I LOVE jewelry, but bought from a checking account, not on credit when someone cannot afford it!

I have said these things over and over again to him, and it seems it goes in one ear and out another. He doesn't want to listen to ME.... there's something about reason and logic that escapes him, especially when it comes to ME telling him these things. It's like he is being stubborn and doesn't want to follow what I say because he doesn't want to be told what to do. He resents me when I tell him what to do.

He had also JUST bought me a gorgeous $100 amethyst bracelet. Literally, just this weekend (out of his checking account). He doesn't need to get me anything else. I don't want anything else.

This is why it needs to be resolved with a counselor, I feel - an objective third party who also points out the lack of reason and logic and his expensive living habits to him. He won't listen to me. He doesn't want to listen to me.

And... I just made two different compatibility lists. The list of compatibilities is far longer than the list of incompatibilities.

This does make it more confusing for me.

This is a very different exercise than making lists of positives and negatives.

Can you sum up in short simple terms what money you each have separately and joined together? For example, my wife and I have separate spending accounts which we use to pay some bills separately and buy whatever we want, then we have a joint checking and savings which we combine some bills, ie groceries and use for joint spending, ie vacations.

@guy1111, we have everything separate. Separate checking accounts, and I have my own savings account. He doesn't even have a savings account (go figure because he SPENDS!). He has his spending money, and I have my own.

We share our bills and rent equally. He pays for some things, and I pay for some things (ie, treats for ourselves, entertainment, meals, or whatever).

It hurts like hell but it will get better. Don't be affaraid, we only live once, and it's too short a life to spend it with someone who isn't willing to listen to your thoughts and feelings.

Wasn’t he supposed to buy a chair? Why is he spending on bracelets? At least he didn’t ask for your credit card to buy you a gift.

What’s on your compatibility list?

Is it like meaningful stuff and major values or things like we both like the same tv shows of eggs for breakfast (just an example)?

I once dated a guy who had no books in his house (and not because he had them all digitally which is common nowadays). I know it’s probably silly but it was bad enough for me to end it.

Having said that, some things matter and some don’t and some are deal breakers and some aren’t.

I have one quite major difference with my husband that would be a deal breaker for many. It’s a big difference and it does bother me a bit (doesn’t bother him). It’s a political views difference. I am quite left of center and his is leaning to the right. It bothers me and it does create disconnect for me at times. I have to live with it. I have learned to leave it alone. I can’t make our house into a political debate arena. It is what it is. I wish we had the same views but I have to make do with what is.

Then we have a difference that is major generally speaking but it’s not an issue and doesn’t bother us. We don’t share the same religion. But that’s fine because we are respectful of each other faith and it’s not like we are crazy religious or plan on raising children or our religions contradict each other, most values are the same.. So it’s kind of a big difference but not for us, it’s not an issue for us at all.

We all have different non negotiable and deal breakers. Ideal person doesn’t exist. It depends what are your non negotiables. I have a very clear list of deal breakers.

He's now not sure about the chair from Target, so he bought me a nice gift instead. I thought it was really nice and sweet of him.

My compatibility lists are of important things, not silly things. Values, religious beliefs, political beliefs, how we treat others, etc.

That would bug me if we couldn't agree politically, and that would be a dealbreaker for me. But it's not for you, which goes to show that each person's dealbreakers are unique and personal to them.

My husband and I do not share the same religion (he is Jewish and I come from a Protestant background), but neither of us is particularly religious, and he does celebrate Christmas as well. So I do get to celebrate Christmas with him and have a tree, etc, which is all very important to me.

It's interesting to me that my list of compatibilities is far longer than my list of incompatibilities. But I still know my limits and dealbreakers.

I am a pain in a neck and everything is a deal breaker for me. I have to give some pass to people. My list of non negotiables is already too long. It also has to be someone who’d put up with me 😂😂😂 I have to allow difference in something.

Well we don’t argue about politics. We do discuss but I am very opinionated and I don’t want to convert him lol It’s just we don’t have the same views on some issues. Several of my good friends and family members are also more conservative than me. It is what it is. Also it depends if it’s political or social or fiscal conservative views. One can be fiscally conservative but very liberal socially. I’d not tolerate sexism or racism but reasonable mild right leaning is forgivable in my books.

I hear you about holidays! My whole family is culturally and religiously mixed so it’s not an issue. I’d absolutely not raise kids in faith different than mine but it’s a moot point. Yeah I decorate for both holidays too. It’s cool. I like it. I have boxes titled with holiday names of different religions. It makes it fun

LOL... you have too many dealbreakers and maybe I don't have enough! LOL!

Yeah, my husband and I never argue or differ on politics. We have the same views, or so far we do at least. We're both not hugely political either. He's more into it than I am. But I do get your point. One can be conservative or liberal in different areas of politics. I am generally liberal and a Democrat. His parents are both Republicans and I cannot speak politics with them whatsoever. Totally different views.

I mentioned my husband's sexist and racial slurs? That bothers me IMMENSELY. It's on my negatives list and list of incompatibilities. It should be a dealbreaker for me, if I am being fair to my own beliefs. i am a feminist and am not racist in ANY way. He's gotten better since I've slammed him for these types of comments.

Your holidays sound fun! And interesting! I cannot relate to his background in Judaism, but he really doesn't celebrate it much, even with friends, so it's practically a non-issue.

He might not have racist views but might just run his mouth so to speak in privacy of his home. We all say things we shouldn’t when no one is around. Sometimes just letting steam out

That is very very possible!!!

My husband knows very little about Judaism. But he is trying and some stuff is hilarious. When we first met he wanted to impress me and bought gluten free Matzos for Passover. It violates common sense. It’s supposed to be flour and water. Gluten-free Matzos is like vegetarian meat. It’s now a favorite joke in my family. Then he wanted to correct his mistake and bought salted Matzos. That was so gross 😂 It’s not even a proper thing. 😂

When my husband says something weird, by now I usually know why but if I don’t I ask: 1. Is it your belief 2. Is it your Tourette’s 3. Is it just goofy you blurting stuff out?

He is always honest about which one of those 3. Usually it’s option 2 or 3. Lol Mostly 3. 😂

Haha. Cute story!

lol.

I will ask my husband next time he makes one of those comments.

you definitely deserve to be respected, appreciated and heard in your relationship <3 I can also understand your sadness about ending it; but it might be setting yourself free as well from a relationship that brings you down and doesn't nourish you. Life is quite short, it is worth spending it with a person who inspires and lifts you up up rather than brings you down! Still leaving is painful. Sending love & support your way. Take care!

Thank you.

I agree -- and life is too short. I will make up my mind one way or another, but it may take me some time.