Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Yes. This topic brought sadness to me.

I am 54. I was married at a very young age (20) and was only married 5 years but I remember what he said, 30 years later. And I don’t tend to dwell. And don’t think of myself as less then. And we maintained good co parenting relationship and genuinely are friends. And I am happily married (and so is he) and YET when the topic comes up, I always always remember it. I think it’s wise you are talking to a therapist about it. I assumed because I moved on, it’s not something I need to even address it. I buried it and never tell anyone. And even when my ex repeatedly brought up that he wished he didn’t say some things, I said it’s water under the bridge. It kind of is but it’s not really what I should have said.

Do talk about it.

I don’t mean to hijack, just telling you I understand it and want you to share your therapist so it doesn’t hunt you

That sounds very wise of them. Smart move to share with them

I'm sorry it's a sore subject for you. And I am sorry to hear your ex was so insensitive. Those kinds of comments DO hurt and can STICK with us, even years down the road. They DO cause damage.

I do understand, and it seems you totally understand how I feel about him having made such an insensitive comment to me about hair color. It STUCK and I cannot unstick it from myself. I am HURT.

I don't know how I would ever get past it, IF by chance we ever did make it through this. It would have to be addressed through couples counseling, just like everything else would too. But I don't have much hope anymore and feel I must divorce him.

YES. It was time!!! TY.

Ask him to see a therapist together now? Don’t wait?

Then I have to be prepared to leave him if he says no. It's an either or situation. Either we go to therapy to discuss and work out all the issues, OR I leave him. I am not ready to leave him, meaning I don't have the money yet. It makes far more sense for me to wait until the next blowup.

Not as an ultimatum. Just as a suggestion. If things don’t work out and he ever says you don’t care about me or you didn’t fight for us, yes I did, I suggested therapy to help us through, I showed my care. You don’t have to leave if he says “no.”

I see your point, however, IF he says no, then I've presented issues to him that are bothering me in the marriage that then have ZERO resolution to them.

Then I am forced to carry on as normal, with all the issues hanging out in the open, and with ME carrying the weight of those issues.

He will ask, why do you want to go to therapy, and I will have to answer him.

The agreement was IF he blows up at me again, then we will go. So I will have to have reasons IF I bring it up NOW.

And IF I say, I am NOT happy in this relationship, there are several big issues here at play, and I feel that only a counselor can help us through these issues, and then he says NO? What am I left with?

Then I am forced to undergo a separation process within the apartment LONG before I am even ready or prepared to leave him for good. OR, I am forced to actually LEAVE HIM LONG before I have the money to do so.

I just don't see a good outcome from asking for that right now.

I understand

Thanks, Divine!

And now out of the blue, he's calling me his "beautiful wife" and "I'm a very lucky man".

BS! He is going to be SO sorry for all the crap he's pulled on me when i divorce his sorry a-s-s. It's too late for that.

I just put down nearly $300 for a room at a gorgeous Inn for a concert next summer, and when I showed him the pics of the Inn, he frowned, as though he was displeased. .GEEZ. There is NO pleasing him. Well, he said, we'll be partying at the concert, and then we have to come back to an Inn? I just spent $300 on a super nice room and that's what he says to me? He said, it's not as though i'm ungrateful. Uh UH. OK. SPOILED.

And by next summer, I probably won't be with him anyways anymore and I can take someone else to the concert who will appreciate it.

What??? Where did he want to stay? Royal palace? 300? He doesn’t think it’s a good enough hotel? I stayed in Paris and NYC and London and other very expensive cities for less and I do not stay in bad hotels. Why didn’t he book a hotel then? He sure won’t be coming to this trip. Take a friend. Or go alone. Or cancel the whole thing.

I have to second Divine that if there is any hope of saving your marriage, you need marital therapy now, not with the next blowup. It will be too late by then, as you stated you can already feel yourself emotionally withdrawing.

You also don't have to tell him what your reasons are. Just tell him it's best left to discuss in therapy, but they are for the health and happiness of your marriage.
And the bottom line is, therapy may just delay the inevitable anyways.

From what you've posted, he just doesn't seem to be a good fit for you. He sounds like he would be happiest with a sugar mama. Someone taking care of him, doling out his weekly allowance like a ten year old. And I'm not making that wrong, there are women willing to fill that role, especially if they are lonely and rich. They both benefit in their own way. They're using each other, but they're both happy and know it for what it is. He'd be her pet.

I would also like to point out that you want to save money to move. This is a question for a lawyer, but that could be considered joint money, as it was acquired during the course of the marriage, and he would be entitled to half of whatever you save. It would be no different than when a man makes much more than his wife (which sadly is often the case), socks a bunch of money away, divorces his wife, then tries to keep all that money for himself. Judges won't often agree to that.
You will have to look closely at whether it's better to move out using credit, or save knowing you may only be able to keep half of it.

I also acknowledge you seem to truly love your husband, you just don't like him. That makes it very tough.

Well, it just goes to show his spoiled mentality will always be there. HIs first response was to question it and criticize it, verses being grateful that I got us a really nice room that was expensive. It was that expensive due to a small town, lack of availability and a concert is in town. This is booking one whole year in advance!

I do truly love him, and I can say that there are parts of him that I do not like and parts of him I do like.

And thanks for your thoughts. I don't think it will work that way in a divorce here where I live. We haven't been married very long, and the division of "assets'" will likely come down to what we each brought into the marriage (meaning, we will take away what we each brought in). I've read the laws in my state, so I don't think a judge will rule that I have to split any savings I have with my husband. But I do need to check with a lawyer on all details first. I will not move on credit. That's shooting myself in the foot, creating yet another monthly expense for myself.

I am going about this in the way that makes the most sense for me. I want to speak with my therapist and decide with my therapist what is best before doing anything. I am not prepared for the potential fallout that could occur if he says no to therapy right now, and yes, I would have to give him an explanation as to why. I cannot just tell him, we must go to therapy without reasons. Previously, he was against therapy altogether and said if that's ever mentioned, that means the relationship is over. So there's that part of it too.

And yes, he'd probably be better off with a sugar mamma because that's how he sometimes has treated me.

Was he upset you didn’t discuss it with him first and that you didn’t pick the place together, regardless who is paying?

I am not trying to excuse his behavior, but was it a surprise purchase like a birthday gift or something he preferred or expected you two discussed together? My husband wouldn’t care what I book and where because he is very easy going. He however knows better to not book anything without discussion of all options because I am not easy going at all, I don’t like surprises and mostly just because how I am.

Was he supposed to pay you back half of it, maybe he didn't feel like paying half for something he doesn’t like. If it was a gift from you, then of course he just had to say thank you and be quiet.

No, it wasn't a collective decision that had to be made. The concert was supposed to be this summer and was rescheduled for next summer. I had already previously booked a room (on my own), which I had to cancel, and then book another room for next summer instead. He doesn't care if I book it, or if he books it, and I didn't need to consult with him on it at all. IF we do end up going together, I could ask him to maybe split the cost of it with me, when he can afford to pay me for it. But I wasn't thinking that way -- I just wanted to book a room and fast before they all sold out. I took the last room available in the Inn in town. All others available were out of town and would be a pain in the butt. So, basically, I got what I could and as fast as I could, and it ended up being very expensive. He should have just said "thank you, and that was really nice of you to get such a nice room!"

Oh yeah under the circumstances it’s understandable you just booked it and he had to be happy about it. I had scenario in my head more like a vacation planning. Yeah him complaining is ridiculous. He should be especially happy that there are no rooms left and you got it! He is difficult

Exactly my point. It's one single night's stay for this concert. But yeah, he had to complain first, rather than simply just thank me. He IS difficult!

@divine1966, you had pointed out the roller coaster nature of my relationship right now. A woman on an abuse forum on Facebook said the yo yo effect is the effect of an abusive relationship. I suppose the same could be said in general for any toxic/unhealthy relationship dynamic -- up and down, up and down, up and down. And that's exactly what I am experiencing from one day to the next. One moment, I can feel totally content and happy with him, and that's when I have doubts about leaving him, and in the next moment, he's exhibiting yet another irksome/enraging toxic behavior that sends me into a downward spiral of wanting to divorce him. There's no emotional stability here. It's very up and down, and I do feel very yanked around by the inconsistency constantly.

I felt like this for the last year in my last relationship. It was up and down. Very draining. It was over a specific issue but I noticed that made me into an angry person. I had to get out to save myself

Sounds like relationship with my dad. You don’t know one day from another how things will be and what he’ll say or do. The only way to maintain sanity it’s keep your distance which isn’t possible with one’s spouse.

Yeah.. the up and down nature is definitely unsettling for me. I don't like not knowing what I am going to get on a daily or weekly basis. And no, I cannot keep my distance.

I have therapy today, thank goodness!!!

Well, therapy was not of much help today. He wanted to discuss finances and the issues between us over finances and we did not get anywhere. Then I mentioned and wanted to discuss my husband's comment about dark haired women that has sent me into an insecurity spiral, and we didn't get far on that one either. I am disappointed by today's session and feel even more alone with this.

I know I cannot exist in a relationship where I feel insecure.
I know I cannot exist in a relationship that is frequently up and down.
I know I cannot exist in a relationship where yelling occurs periodically.
I know I cannot exist in a relationship when it feels toxic, even if just sometimes.

We fought over money last weekend, I think I mentioned. The next time he tries to argue with me, I think I will just tell him "This is toxic and I don't want any part of it".

It did come up in therapy (I mentioned it), that I think my husband is trying to tear me down. The mean jokes that are put downs disguised as "jokes", his comment about preferring dark haired women, his attempts to keep me from sticking to my diet and losing weight.... all of this tells me or points to the strong possibility that he wants to ruin my self esteem.

I am SO saddened by this potential and very realistic reality. It breaks my heart and it HURTS badly to know or think that my husband is trying to mentally and emotionally hurt me, especially when he claims to "love" me soo much. This freaking HURTS.