Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

Great to hear!

Hey, I havent read through your whole thread, I dont have mental ability to right now, Sorry...

About 10 years ago my marriage was basically over, we fought alot about everything and everything... I was trying to get disability and my husband had gone through bilateral shoulder surgery and on workers comp,, So we were just broke, Neither of us had anywhere to move out to, no family to go to.. So we decided to start working on our home to sell it. Both of us struggling with physical issues so everything was taking so much longer..

But we had a sit down talk and both said we just werent happy but that we would treat each other with respect and kindness like we would offer a friend or co worker, No more fighting , just none.. It was hard but we truly decided to be respectful and kind while we made further decisions.. with in a couple weeks it became just natural to say please and thank you... something we realized we mostly stopped doing at some point... I have no idea when but it had stopped.

Now I am not saying this will fix things or even help..but.... The ongoing fighting isnt healthy.. So why not call for a truce so you both can find time to decompress and can think about your marriage but much more about when did your friendship end.... I think at the core of every relationship failure its the lose of that other person being your best friend...

Just a thought... I hope things can settle down and you can catch your breath soon

That's great news.. on both accounts!!

thank you!

Thanks Christina.

Our situation is not the same as that. I won't get into details since it's all in the thread. We're not fighting all the time. We were many months ago, but not now.

Thank you MsLady!

I do feel a whole lot better today about my marriage. When my husband had asked me why I was depressed and I told him because he couldn't acknowledge his anger problem, I also leaked out that I had previously been considering leaving him when we were fighting a lot months ago. He said that really hurt to hear. But I'm glad I said it because now he knows I will leave if it's bad.

I bought a gorgeous dress that was meant for our anniversary celebration, and I truly hope that I will be wearing it in October. We had planned a romantic weekend getaway at a beautiful B&B for our anniversary in May, but we had to delay until October due to COVID-19. So we have a date set and have half the money down on this inn. It's a gorgeous wooded spot with a 2-person hot tub in the bathroom and a two-way gas fireplace that can be seen from the bathroom and living area. The dress I bought is an adorable and sexy cocktail dress with pearls and lace. It's really pretty. It arrived in the mail yesterday.

I do feel far more hopeful that things will work out. Things have been wonderful between us lately, and I have that feeling of love back again.

I guess if we fall apart before Oct, I can wear the dress on another occasion. It would have to be a black tie occasion or a super dressy one, but I could wear it sometime I suppose. I am learning how to live in the moment and not worry SO much about the future. The future is unknown, though it is also good to plan ahead and anticipate what may be coming next.

Hope, I see things are going in a very positive path. At least, it’s clear this guy loves you.
I’m very happy for you both.

Excellent improvement. Ooo new dress sounds awesome

Yes on both!!

So much of what you’ve said resonates with me. My husband has had issues for a long time that he has refused to get help with. He can be argumentative and aggressive, and I just discovered he has been unfaithful for a year and a half. It has completely broken me. The infidelity caused me to leave and begin divorce proceedings. Like you, I’m feeling the overwhelming anxiety and depression of having my life totally upended. I know you have not made that decision yet, but I can tell you I’m almost glad that the decision was made for me. It is gut-wrenching, but I know the only way to go from here is up. The fact that yours said that if marriage counseling is brought up, the relationship is over says a lot about him. The fact that he shifts blame to you (something my husband also did) also says A LOT. When we are married to emotionally ill people, they suck us into their sickness. I pray that you make whatever decision allows you to be happy and healthy.

@Coffeebooksrain, I am deeply sorry for your current pain.

My husband has agreed to go to counseling the next time this happens. He has pretty much admitted to me that he has a problem controlling his anger. We may/may not need to separate down the road, but that's not happening right now.

I don't know, people. I am having to ask my husband to have more sex and to make out more. This doesn't feel normal. NO, he is NOT cheating, nor does he have feelings for someone else, so please do not even go there. I know this for a fact. I know he loves me. It's just that we're both middle aged, we're exhausted and stressed from work and our physical life is just lacking...... I don't know if this is normal for middle aged working adults or not. But it feels off., and I told him so last night. He said it's just exhaustion and stress. We cuddle and snuggle each other close and tight every night. I just don't get it. I feel sex deprived and I am suffering from it. He says we'll work on it. And let it be known. he has to take viagra, so there's that part of our middle age that is a factor. And he's in a LOT of physical pain with his back. He is now seeing a chiropractor, upon my insisting. I just voiced to him that I miss sex, I miss the passion we used to have and I miss making out.

We've had a hell of a year.

So I don't know if this will last. I love him, he loves me, but it may/may not work.

He is quite young though. Isn’t he in mid 40s? 45? That’s honestly very young. Men still have kids at this age. Is he having health problems? (I see now you said he does)

Maybe he needs to talk to his doctor? He might be embarrassed that he needs to take something for it so he avoids it all together (my thought)? Is it recent or he was always not into it as much? Everyone has different level of that need. He just seems way too young for all this. I don’t judge though. I am post menopausal and kind of losing it myself but I am approaching mid 50s.

What’s he think is the deal? Is he embarrassed to discuss this topic? It’s a sensitive topic

He’s 47. He has all sorts of physical problems and physical pains. We just talked for a long time about it and I told him I’m unhappy. I talked with him about this three months ago, he said we’d work on it and nothing changed. I just told him now that if the passion is gone and in 3 months time it’s the same, then we have to separate.

I guess I got fed up. I am relatively healthy for my age and have a healthy sex drive. I cannot be in a sexless or passionless marriage no matter how much snuggling or flowers there are.

I hear you.

Talking to a therapist (him) could help maybe but again you know he’d only do it if absolutely need to. It might not be the topic he wants to discuss.

I also think he might want to see a doctor for his back and not a chiropractor. Chiropractor might help at the moment but if it’s something more serious it won’t fix it in a long run

Yeah, he won't go to a therapist unless I force the issue. He had Xrays done. He knows he needs a chiropractor right now. His whole back is out of alignment.

My husband is now depressed and is not feeling good after our talk last night. This morning I told him I love him and he said "I hope so".

Perhaps I should not have said we'll have to separate if this continues and is the same in 3 months, but it just popped out of my mouth.

I miss having sexual intimacy with him, but I also know he's been in an insane amount of pain. At the same time, I told him 3 months ago that I wanted more physical intimacy and it hasn't happened. Nothing has changed.

And COVID is NOT helping. We've been cooped up for over two months now and it's gotten to both of us....very much so. We haven't see friends and we haven't gone out (I know that no one can), and it's effecting both of us. Add onto that some tough conversations about our marriage and work stress, well, and it's all just too much.

I only read about half of this thread so I apologize if you already covered this topic. You keep mentioning intimacy as a problem. Then in one of the last threads you mentioned that you are certain he is not cheating on you. Have you considered he might be using pornography and masturbation? This would also affect your level of intimacy.

He knows that porn is a TOTAL dealbreaker for me. And when I say dealbreaker, I mean I will walk away from the relationship. When we first started dating, I told him that porn cannot be a part of my relationship with anyone. He agreed that it can be problematic for a relationship and he agreed to not watch porn. I have recently asked him point blank IF he is using porn instead. He told me NO, he is not. He also claims he is not even masturbating and that he doesn't want to do anything sexual without me. So either he is completely lying or it's the truth. So the answer is I don't really know for certain.

One thing I DO know for certain: he is truly in an enormous amount of physical pain. His back and shoulder are in sheer agony and have been for at least a couple months now. He is finally seeing a chiropractor. He cannot even sleep on one side and cuddle with me on that side because he's in so much pain. I witness it, so I am hoping that that's all it is.

I hear you about pain! It’s hard right now with any kind of pain because of covid.

My husband needs complete shoulder replacement and it was scheduled and then covid hit and his doctor said it will have to wait a bit! Not only it’s terrible pain but he has a very limited motion on that arm.

Did your husband see a doctor about his shoulder? Is it arthritis? My husband tried physical therapy because his doctor said let’s do that first, then surgery. But surgeon said physical therapy is pointless when is that bad. So we are just waiting for a surgeon to be ready to do the surgery. I hope your husband gets this under control. He shouldn’t be incapacitated at 47.

How does he not masturbate? Like not at all? Never? Everyone masturbates. You can masturbate when you are in pain and can’t do normal intercourse because you can accommodate how you do it. Masturbating isn’t cheating. Is he very religious? I am not saying he is lying but maybe he is embarrassed or there is something else going on. He completely lacks sexual feeling up to the point of not masturbating? Honestly its not typical. If he truly never masturbates then there is some psychological issue there. Severe depression that needs treatment? I feel like he just isn’t explaining it well and it becomes guessing game for you. Sorry to be blunt.

I hope he gets his health under control

He has seen only the chiropractor who took Xrays.

I don't know what's going on. He says he doesn't want to do anything sexual without me. I think it has to do with not viewing porn because when he used to masturbate, he used porn. My guess is that's why he's not masturbating.

You're right. It is a guessing game.

He must see a GP. And then be referred to see an orthopedic surgeon. They’ll analyze his XRays and MRIs etc They’ll need more than Xrays if it’s that bad

Chiropractors are not medical doctors. They can’t diagnose or fully interpret xrays. I worry it might make it worse. As soon as covid is over I’d demand he sees a doctor. That’s paramount. Then he can see a chiropractor based on what diagnosis he gets.

What does he do to release tension if he doesn’t masturbate? Can he do sexual things without intercourse if you know what I mean? Is pot effecting him like that?

He just got really exasperated with me over this issue. I am upset too. I think I'd rather not talk details about our sex life right now..... I am really upset.