Marriage may need to end: enormous grief and sadness

You mentioned that you were afraid that if you tell him you want to do couples therapy that this might lead to early divorce before you have your ducks in a row.

Then you mentioned he said that if it comes to couples therapy that in his eyes, it's already over.

I think his attitude shows that he is afraid to face his issues. This is his way of trying to scare you out of couples therapy.

If you bring it up and he gets upset, you still don't have to mention divorce. Then you can say at least you tried your best. If you expect him to get upset you can mentally prepare yourself for it. You can remind yourself that he's not really mad at you, he's just lashing out because he's afraid of confronting his problems. Plus it's more affirmation that you are a good person trying your best. You deserve respect.

Sounds like a deep cut. I feel for you.

I am not ready to bring up couples therapy. That's just where I stand. I am not ready to.

And yes, he's afraid to face his issues.

thank you.

I know the feeling. Maybe just focus on your own growth some more. Can't hurt. You are strong to seek help and keep working towards your own peace.

My husband used to make mean jokes at my expense like that even in front of my own family. I would just laugh about it and go with it. It took me a while to realize how much this putting down was affecting me. When I finally told how I felt about him making jokes at my expense he was surprised as if he didn’t realize how it was affecting me. After that he didn’t joke like that about me anymore.

thank you.

Mine STILL makes those jokes, despite my protests and my request that he doesn't. Though he hasn't made one in about a week and a half now. We'll see how long that lasts.

@HaveHope, I know you have been for something more than a year with your husband and that makes things more difficult because I can see you love him so much. But, from your posts in this thread I knew you are gonna do the best for you and you aren't gonna cope with more yelling and emotional mistreat. So, I only wanted to tell you that I support you and that I think you are right when taking your time to consider all possible options and a way out if needed.
Didn't want to write a lot here because I'm myself living relationship problems and I wanted to avoid to project at any coast.
I understand how much you are struggling and I wanted you to know.

Thank you sooo much. Yes it’s a huge struggle but I’m surviving it right now.

I don't have any doubt.

My dad still uses sarcasm and sleighted jokes towards my mom. I didn't understand it as a kid but now I see it and it makes me sad for her.

I am still sometimes sarcastic with my guy friends at work. We like to rib eachother. I realized early on as an adult that women in general do not like sarcasm or little jabs.

I see here that those things can hurt a person and leave a lasting mark.

My dad always made the kind of jokes and whenever we tell him to stop he’d say that we are too sensitive.

Even when he accepts that he is rude instead of apologies, he’d say “perhaps it was a bit too rude but (insert an excuse)”. Then he freaks out we’ll abandon him and talks about how family should be all good with joking around and he does it because we are family.

Can’t really dump my dad at this point due to old age but I’d dump him like a hot potato if he wasn’t my dad. I can’t stand it. My ex husband was the same way. Well sometimes he still is although not as much as when he was young.

I think it’s a known fact that sarcasm is usually mean and it’s not healthy way to communicate and it could be hurtful. Clearly some people didn’t get the memo

@guy1111, put downs, criticisms and cutting remarks disguised as jokes are a part of an abuser's abuse tactics. This has been ongoing since the beginning of our marriage. I've told him numerous times that I do not like these kinds of jokes made at my expense, and his response is always "I'm just joking". So I tell him "well, I am NOT laughing" and "please cut it out."

These types of jokes are intended to demean and belittle the abuse victim and to cut down their self esteem. I will not allow this to happen, however.

@divine1966, I can see the similarities between your own father and my husband. If I could leave him and get out TODAY, I would.

ok, I'm posting this here:

So here's a dilemma I currently have:

We agreed that IF he blows up at me again, then we'll go to a counselor. I am VERY reluctant to go to couples therapy with him because I think he will deflect ALL responsibility onto me and will make me out to be the unstable and crazy one in the relationship. He has done this in many of our fights, and I have no confidence that he will own up to any of his behaviors. I don't see therapy as being helpful and in fact, I see it as being potentially detrimental to my own mental health and strength. I see myself being victimized in therapy too.

So what do I do instead IF and WHEN he DOES blow up at me again AND if this happens BEFORE I am prepared financially to leave him within the next year? What do I do then?

Like I wrote before, undergoing a formal "separation" within our apartment is not exactly feasible because the apartment is SO small. Our second bedroom has a broken bed in it that no one can sleep in -- I suppose I could purchase some sort of blow up bed for sleeping OR perhaps borrow one that I think my parents still own.

However, logistically, a separation in home would be most difficult, if not impossible, to accomplish. I also see it as a living HELL in such a small space. And I see it as being the only other alternative if and when he blows up at me again.

Are there any other options?

Well who cares if he says you are crazy to some therapist. No one cares. You can get up and walk out

Sometimes people go to therapy to improve relationships and sometimes to end it. If he acts insane in therapy and blames you, then it’s more prove for you that it isn’t good. And you don’t need to do more than one appt. If he acts decent then there is no harm to continue

You can also tell him that you changed your mind about therapy. If you think it will do you no good, then don’t go and tell him you’ve read how it’s detrimental and you’ll think of something else. Like a self help book for couples. Or a website with helpful advice you could read together

To all honesty he might not even raise his voice about anything since you aren’t really addressing any issues with him to avoid fights. So if you lay low and don’t make waves, he might be quiet. In addition if he gets high every night and it mellows him out, he might not cause fights (if you don’t). I don’t know if it’s a positive outcome and if that’s good enough but if the goal is for him not to yell, he isn’t yelling now. I think there are other issues there that are harder to fix than him yelling. Abusers usually rage when they are questioned. If they aren’t questioned they feel in control and have no need to yell

Couple counselling might be one of the best options. When I attended to my therapy sessions I was sure so blind as your husband but there’s a hope that he takes all the advantages of it.
Maybe, it won’t work and he’s not permeable to progress and look at himself in the mirror but at least, you gave him a change.
Of course, you health and well-being must be at the top.
I wonder how you are feeling. I’m having the impression from your last posts that you are more determined than ever to accept that the best is a separation. I feel as if you have lost hope.
I do feel for you because being in an standing by time is awful, especially when we already have an age.
Noone can change the other person, but I believe in self-change and improvement so there’s a hope. Meanwhile, you will be thinking on your own way out in case things get impossible.

Do you think you need a separation time? A time-out moment? Maybe this is another thing to consider if you think it could clear your mind up.

I know the financial part is a problem but maybe one of you have the possibility to stay in another place for a while.

Well, I cannot take any more abuse, and therapy will just be an avenue for him to further abuse me. I don't want to allow that.

Your alternative suggestion is a good one, thanks!!

He nearly raised his voice at me last night over money again. He almost started a fight. He cannot control himself, so it's bound to happen again at some point. And I don't cower from him.... if something is important enough to me, I will question him.

Thank you, but I don't want to go to therapy with him, and I have no other place to live right now. I have to wait a year before I can move out, unfortunately. I am stuck.

I’m glad you have that strength.

Thank you. I'm working on it.

Good for you. You know what works for you and you have good insight

Thank you.

Because I am nice and have compassion for people, there is guilt around what I am doing. But I really do not see any other way.

We cannot live separately under the same roof for the next year. I do not have a free place I can stay for the next year. I cannot live with my parents. I cannot live with a friend.

Bottom line: I cannot move until well into next year or until after I've gathered the money together. I am totally stuck.

I am trying to talk myself out of my guilt by telling myself this is for my own self protection and self preservation. I know myself well, and if the cat is let out of the bag, I will live in a FAR worse HELL than I live in now, my mental health will completely deteriorate, and my job performance will suffer immensely. Of all things, I have got to keep my head above water, I've got to keep myself employed, and I have to keep my mental health in tact. I do know myself, and I know where I am vulnerable.

So this truly is the best to keep it from him. But the guilt is getting to me, especially when he's being so nice.

But all he needs to do is do something not so nice or toxic again, and the guilt will disappear. I have to remember this.