[Have Hope]

My husband sent me a video yesterday that he thought was hysterical, yet which I thought was very sexist, from the female standpoint.

The video was of a scantily clad woman at a gas station, driving her car from one gas tank to another, trying to figure out how to fill up her car. Clearly, she could not figure it out (meaning, she did not know which side her tank was on). She drove from tank to tank, clueless.

I got really upset and told him that it was sexist, and then in my emotional state said I couldn't believe that I am even with him.

This morning he was really upset because I had said that.

When we talked about the video last night, I explained how it comes across as sexist. He explained to me that he didn't view it that way at all -- that it wasn't gender specific for him, but rather just funny that someone couldn't figure out where the gas tank was - male or female.

But it was a female, and a scantily clad female, so I thought the video was stereotyping women.

So this morning, he barely kissed me goodbye and did not hug me back when I hugged him to wish him a good day.

I also told him last night that I still want to go to couples therapy, and I think that upset him too.

He has greatly improved his behaviors, but a part of me feels this new version of himself is fake and all an act just to keep me. I don't know if it's an act - that's more so my own fear talking. Perhaps he truly is changing his ways and all for the better.

But I worry that he will revert back to his abusive ways. So I am waiting to see if this changed behavior sticks.

I still feel therapy would be beneficial. Whenever something like this video pops up, I feel I need to educate my husband, it reminds me of past negative behaviors and then I question whether I should leave him.

And I don't know if he is playing dumb about the sexist video. To me, it's pretty obviously sexist.

I really don't know how I feel right now... but I feel badly that I said I don't even know why I am with him. He's hurt by that.

[lowselfesteem92]

Abusive? Should have left him a long time ago. On the other hand, I would just not press the issue of the sexist video anymore. You find it sexist, he does not and you won't change his mind, so you have to stop trying to change his thinking otherwise it will only upset you. The thing I have learnt from being married in the past is not to pick on the smallest things because then they lead to actions like not kissing you goodbye when you go to work, or just being cold and distant. I am sorry you have been so upset.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by lowselfesteem92

Abusive? Should have left him a long time ago. On the other hand, I would just not press the issue of the sexist video anymore. You find it sexist, he does not and you won't change his mind, so you have to stop trying to change his thinking otherwise it will only upset you. The thing I have learnt from being married in the past is not to pick on the smallest things because then they lead to actions like not kissing you goodbye when you go to work, or just being cold and distant. I am sorry you have been so upset.

The abuse has disappeared. He sees my point, and the video was offensive to me. Of course I am going to say something to him about it. His distancing from me was because he was hurt by my comment. I probably should have just titled this thread "my husband" vs "my husband's behaviors". It's not so much about his behaviors now.... I just get reminded of the bad behaviors when something like this arises.

[Have Hope]

I guess I feel I blurted something out that was hurtful, and I am regretful and backtracking after having said it.

The other part is feeling like I am still healing from his past behaviors. And when something like this happens, I am reminded and am jerked back to questioning everything.

[RoxanneToto]

You should be allowed to have an opinion without him punishing you for it. I do think a lot of men don’t see things as sexist in the same way as many women - it’s not always right, though. Do you think he’d have shown you the video if it had been a male driver?
Unfortunately, abuse tends to be a cycle and “good times” are part of it, not actually the person changing into someone better behaved. He knows if he were abusive all the time, you wouldn’t stay. To become non-abusive would require years of therapy and him wanting to change enough to make it work. I’m really sorry, I understand why you’d want to think he was better, but truth is he’s just going to put a lid on it for a while.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

You should be allowed to have an opinion without him punishing you for it. I do think a lot of men don’t see things as sexist in the same way as many women - it’s not always right, though. Do you think he’d have shown you the video if it had been a male driver?
Unfortunately, abuse tends to be a cycle and “good times” are part of it, not actually the person changing into someone better behaved. He knows if he were abusive all the time, you wouldn’t stay. To become non-abusive would require years of therapy and him wanting to change enough to make it work. I’m really sorry, I understand why you’d want to think he was better, but truth is he’s just going to put a lid on it for a while.

He probably would have shown it to me if it had been a male, is my guess. But yeah, I agree that he didn't need to punish me, though I do see that he was hurt and was showing his hurt.

I have worried that his changed behavior is just manipulation on his part. I disagree that someone cannot improve or change. He has shown he truly wants to make these important changes. I also don't want to be negative and think that it's just part of the cycle of abuse - I'd like to think that he's broken the cycle, yet as I mentioned, a small part of me is still somewhat skeptical and suspicious.

I'm trying overall to be more positive than negative, but it's not easy given the history.

[Anca2103]

I'm sorry Have Hope....
Definitely can relate, my husband has thought of only himself for the past 20 years, he even says "it's not that I don't love you and the girls, it's just that I love myself more". The past behaviours are so hard to get over, we're in a place now where he's trying to win me back I guess because I told him I want us to separate, but to him that means acting lecherous around me , expressing arousal, and it just disgusts me. This after years of betrayal, both sides of our family know he is a womanizer, the people I work with, the people he works with (we are in the same industry), our couple friends, even at the dentist office. He has humiliated me so much I just can't get past it, whether or not the change is sincere. I have asked how could he do those things being married? Why not find women at least outside our circle? His answer is he just wasn't thinking of me at the time.
I apologize for turning this into my issue, but the sexist video story, to me it's all in the same vein, of not validating your feelings on something. After years of abuse, if he really wants you to explore going on with the marriage, he really needs to meet you in your comfort zone.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Anca2103

I'm sorry Have Hope....
Definitely can relate, my husband has thought of only himself for the past 20 years, he even says "it's not that I don't love you and the girls, it's just that I love myself more". The past behaviours are so hard to get over, we're in a place now where he's trying to win me back I guess because I told him I want us to separate, but to him that means acting lecherous around me , expressing arousal, and it just disgusts me. This after years of betrayal, both sides of our family know he is a womanizer, the people I work with, the people he works with (we are in the same industry), our couple friends, even at the dentist office. He has humiliated me so much I just can't get past it, whether or not the change is sincere. I have asked how could he do those things being married? Why not find women at least outside our circle? His answer is he just wasn't thinking of me at the time.
I apologize for turning this into my issue, but the sexist video story, to me it's all in the same vein, of not validating your feelings on something. After years of abuse, if he really wants you to explore going on with the marriage, he really needs to meet you in your comfort zone.

I'm so sorry you've been dealing with such a. nightmare! May I ask why you haven't divorced after 20 years of abuse? If my husband cheated on me, that would be the end of it for me. Sounds like you're trying to separate though, which is a good first step.

I almost left my husband a few months ago due to his abuse. It has not been years for me though. The abuse has stopped, and he did validate my feelings over the video. He agreed after seeing my viewpoint.

I guess on my end, I am just wondering if he is manipulating me right now. It's not a question I am asking to the community - it's a question I ask of myself.

I was really upset and rocked over this video, which means I am not past the old behaviors he exhibited which caused me harm. I think the video was symbolic for me and very triggering.

[Have Hope]

All in all, given where we came from - all the yelling, screaming toxic fights that were knock down drag out fights - it has gotten FAR better.

I am in no position now to leave him, even if I wanted to, which makes me depressed. I like feeling empowered to leave him if need be, especially given the precarious nature of our marriage.

But, that being said, I don't feel I am being abused anymore, I am not in crisis, and I am not feeling the need or desire to run away from him.

At the same time, there are little things that pop up that remind me that we're still in recovery and that it's a process - like this video, as an example.

People here may state it's the cycle of abuse - I'd like to think and believe he's actually improved and is changing his ways for the better. Why wouldn't I want to be hopeful? I know that statistically speaking, they most often do cycle back, despite promises of change and tears even to keep someone. But I haven't so much as even seen a hint of the old anger he used to exhibit.

Maybe he took a magic pill. LOL.

[MickeyCheeky]

My advice would be to keep your guard up and be careful if you start to notice ANY Signs of things going back to previous state, definitely act on it. Small quarrels are part of Marriage and I wouldn't worry too much if it doesn't go overboard. I am REALLY Happy to Hear things are improving. Please do not hesitate to leave if you notice things getting worse. Keep us updated! SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your FriEnds And ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

My advice would be to keep your guard up and be careful if you start to notice ANY Signs of things going back to previous state, definitely act on it. Small quarrels are part of Marriage and I wouldn't worry too much if it doesn't go overboard. I am REALLY Happy to Hear things are improving. Please do not hesitate to leave if you notice things getting worse. Keep us updated! SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your FriEnds And ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Thanks, Mickey!!! You are the best cheering squad there is on here!!!

I can always count on you for positive reinforcement and for supportive, caring words.

I will not hesitate to leave him if he reverts back to the old behaviors. Even if I can't physically leave him right away, I will separate from him. So yes, I have my guard up!

[Have Hope]

I just spoke with my therapist. That was a tough conversation. I acknowledged out loud that I do not know which direction this will go in. I told him that I need to see sustained improvement in my husband's behaviors, and it's only been three months so far. I feel like six months is a good benchmark to reach in order for me to feel more secure and certain within my relationship. But I fear he will revert back... I worry that once he relaxes and feels like he has me again, that the abuse will resurface.

And what concerns me the most right now is that I am no longer empowered financially to leave him. I am unemployed, I am on unemployment benefits and I am having to use my savings in order to make ends meet right now.

However, IF the abuse were to resurface, I would definitely say to him that the relationship's unequivocally over, regardless. Yet this means having to live under the same roof until one of us could leave or until I am employed again.

I am scared. I am not feeling settled, and the uncertainty scares the hell out of me right now. This is around the timeframe that abuse may resurface again.

I am praying that the improved behavior continues. I haven't seen one hint of the anger that he used to exhibit, so that does give me some hope at least.

[Anca2103]

I'm working on it. there is a cultural aspect to it, and religious. We are Catholic, and I come from a very traditional background. Also my older sister has been divorced twice and it greatly impacted her children, as it did my cousins when my uncle and aunt divorced. I guess I put their home stability and financial comfort above my happiness (I would struggle to keep this house on my income alone). This past year it's really hit home that one is already out of the house and the other will be eventually. I plan on leaving him next summer, at the end of the school year, since my children are already struggling because of social isolation. I don't want to do it while we're all working from home and schooling from home.
Good luck to you, it sounds like your husband is trying, I hope it is real.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Anca2103

I'm working on it. there is a cultural aspect to it, and religious. We are Catholic, and I come from a very traditional background. Also my older sister has been divorced twice and it greatly impacted her children, as it did my cousins when my uncle and aunt divorced. I guess I put their home stability and financial comfort above my happiness (I would struggle to keep this house on my income alone). This past year it's really hit home that one is already out of the house and the other will be eventually. I plan on leaving him next summer, at the end of the school year, since my children are already struggling because of social isolation. I don't want to do it while we're all working from home and schooling from home.
Good luck to you, it sounds like your husband is trying, I hope it is real.

I understand where you're coming from. I also understand placing your children above yourself, though that must also be difficult.

And thank you - I'd like to be hopeful. Some people CAN change, and I'd like to think my husband is one of those people.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

You should be allowed to have an opinion without him punishing you for it. I do think a lot of men don’t see things as sexist in the same way as many women - it’s not always right, though. Do you think he’d have shown you the video if it had been a male driver?
Unfortunately, abuse tends to be a cycle and “good times” are part of it, not actually the person changing into someone better behaved. He knows if he were abusive all the time, you wouldn’t stay. To become non-abusive would require years of therapy and him wanting to change enough to make it work. I’m really sorry, I understand why you’d want to think he was better, but truth is he’s just going to put a lid on it for a while.

@RoxanneToto, I understand you wanted to be supportive, but I've been thinking on this, and your post really wasn't helpful to me or very supportive of me.

I am trying to be hopeful and optimistic right now. Throwing such "truths" at me that may not apply specifically to my situation does not help. I am aware there is a pattern of abuse in abusive relationships in general. And I am aware that abusers typically cycle back to abusing their partners. My husband has shown a genuine effort to want change and to want to keep our marriage in tact.

That being said, he MAY cycle back, but right now, there really is no sign of that, and I'd prefer to remain hopeful.

The real truth of the matter is - he saw himself mirroring and copying his father's behaviors. And he has ceased all behaviors that I have told him are abusive. And he's stuck with that.

And the truth is - I will be destroyed IF I have to leave him. Utterly destroyed. So, I would prefer to be hopeful at this stage.

[Have Hope]

I am kind of angry at my husband right now. It feels sometimes like it's all about HIM, what HE needs and what HE wants.

I am unemployed and am applying for jobs. Suddenly, he hates his job and wants to quit/leave for another one. He tells me he cannot do that until I get a job (obviously).

Well, I'm already under the gun due to finances to find another job ASAP. BUT, that being said, I'd like to find a GOOD place to work - one that is a healthy work environment for myself. My last employer was toxic, and I grew to hate my job. I've rarely had a healthy work environment, so it's important to me to actually enjoy where I work. But now that my husband is miserable, I feel even more pressure to just take ANY job that comes along - even when I still have 18 weeks of unemployment left, which is over four months.

He knows how much I hated my last job. He heard about it almost every single night. And now he's pressuring me to even take a job that may be less money than what I was earning before, just so that HE can leave HIS job.

I told him just now that this is not really being fair to ME. And just a year ago he started this job, and I had to carry him financially for the first 6 months while he ramped up. Now I feel it's his turn to support me and allow me the time to find something that I will actually like.

I'm frustrated.

[Have Hope]

Bottom line: If someone says marriage isn't hard, then there's something wrong. Marriage IS hard. Everyone says it, and now I know it to be true.

[Have Hope]

We talked about it further and he says to take my time in finding the right job. He does have a tendency though to think of himself first and of his needs first, which is aggravating. I always take him into consideration with everything I do. At the same time, I understand his aggravations at his job and wanting out ASAP. I do get it. I've been in those shoes and it's a terrible way to feel all the time. It's sheer misery.

[Fuzzybear]

Sending hugs

[Fuzzybear]

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Marie123]

Unfortunately, men see things differently. It is important to pick your battles......saying what you think about anything is important, but some things aren't important enough to argue about. You can bet that if your husband shared that video with some guys that would all think it is funny. I didn't see anything in your post about abusive behavior; what has he said or done that you feel is abusive? My ex used to say sexist things, and I would tell him what I thought and then ignore him. It is difficult to change anyone's views on anything; all we can do is state how we feel.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Marie123

Unfortunately, men see things differently. It is important to pick your battles......saying what you think about anything is important, but some things aren't important enough to argue about. You can bet that if your husband shared that video with some guys that would all think it is funny. I didn't see anything in your post about abusive behavior; what has he said or done that you feel is abusive? My ex used to say sexist things, and I would tell him what I thought and then ignore him. It is difficult to change anyone's views on anything; all we can do is state how we feel.

Thanks for your thoughts. I have older threads about the prior abuse in our marriage.

I am not one to let something that is sexist slide. I agree with picking your battles, but sexism is something I am strongly against, being an avid feminist myself.

He took the video down from his Facebook page as soon as I said it was sexist.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Sending hugs

Thanks, Fuzzy!

[Marie123]

I am so glad he took the video down. As for abuse, I lived like that for 31 years. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.