Is Ethical Non-Monogamy an option?

Where is an expert when you need one? Has anybody here successfully negotiated an open marriage?

I can share the details offline.

Summary: I'm living with the woman I love but due to some issues we stopped having sex years ago. I'm looking for some help to investigate ethical non-monogamy as a mutually agreeable alternative.

No sex IRL, but would like some latitude for sex online. My wife says something as innocuous as sexting is cheating. What's a sex starved "happily" married man supposed to do?

I'm all ears. Thanks for listening.

So does she just not want you to have any fun at all? Why does she think she is the boss of you in this? Are you her dog that she neutered? Sorry, this kind of b.s. makes me very angry.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. It gives me some encouragement to show some back bone.

You can't negotiate an open marriage unless both partners are open to it. If you're that unhappy, divorce her. Or tell her, "If you won't satisfy me, I have the right to find satisfaction elsewhere. Period."

my husband was in a state of declining health for 15 years prior to his passing. during that time our physical sex life was essentially nonexistant.
for all practical sake it was a mutual choice... due to his health issues he was unable to exert himself to that extreme; along with my extreme hesitation to put him in a situation that was possibly too much chance his heath be at risk .
and i say that because twice i had to call the ambulance after he collapsed in midst of our passions & both times he ended he had lengthy hospital stays.
absolutely of course the act of physical engaging in the act of sex is sensualy gratifying but lets all be honest here and admit that weve know how to manage doing that just fine all by ourselves long before we graduated from high school.
so ... that said, what is it, exactly, that you are not being provided with currently that the only way you can satisify yourself is to look elsewhere to get it?
did you miss the part about sickness, health, rich poor, or did you think the word "death" in til death do you part refered to the death of your sex life

Are you sure you are not looking for the emotional connection that sex can bring?

I thought that but sex OP is looking for will be cyber sex not IRL. So I am not sure how much connection would that provide?

I have no objections to polyamorous sex or open marriages if all parties agree. There is no crime in that. People should be able to enjoy whatever with mutual consent. Now if your partner doesn’t consider it acceptable, then it becomes an issue. Perhaps relationship needs to end if it becomes unsatisfying for you and alternatives are not acceptable for her

What made me wonder though when people suggested that you masturbate when sex isn’t available, you said that you are very religious and consider self-satisfying to be a sin.

If that’s a sin and you can’t even do what is the very basic private thing by yourself, how do you reconcile it with your religion that you’d be engaging in sexual encounters outside of your marriage? Would they not consider it a sin?

I don’t care about religious aspect myself when it comes to sex but you said you do so I wonder if your religion has opinion on sex with others while married? Wouldn’t it be even bigger sin than do something by yourself in private that doesn’t involve anyone else?

This can be a challenge when you love your partner but your partner is not physically capable of engaging in the sexual part of the relationship. This challenge can happen with both males and females as for some women it can be painful and some men simply become impudent with age. It sounds like you are not looking for another person to love, that area in your relationship is fine. Yet, you would like to be able to experience sexual satisfaction. It's not a crime or a sin to self satisfy, people do that all the time. IMHO, if a partner can't engage in this then it not really cheating to find a way to experience this by self satisfying and I don't even think it needs to be discussed as long as you are not actually with someone else.

Ethical non-monogamy is only ethical when both parties agree to an open relationship and as long as both partners stick to what was agreed.
You need to decide if you can reconcile your religious beliefs and satisfying your needs by yourself, or if you feel your sexual needs are greater than your desire to stay married to your wife.

Are those issues of physical/Health nature or simply personal concerning your Wife's desire for intimacy? If the latter is true and this thing is so important for you then i'd say you need to talk about ALL of this with your Wife and see how it goes from there but if the former is true perhaps it can be worked out somehow. Make her UnderstAnd how important this is for you, that you do wish some intimacy. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @mf1438, your Family, your FriEnds, your Wife and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Ethical non-monogamy? If one of the partners is not open to the idea, how can it ever be 'ethical'?

As for what to do, these are options to explore with your wife. Maybe you can both negotiate something or maybe you need to end the marriage if sex is so important to you & if she isn't open to non-monogamy.

im not understanding what the big deal is about you need sex outside your marriage.
the act itself shouldnt make or break a marriage. it is a "perk" .. it is THE sacred factor that the vow of marriage commits you to...
you are a married man. you have a wife. if you and your wife are no longer having sex with each other and you still need to feel the ecstacy of reaching climax... you cant handle doing that yourself why ? ... oh some religious mumbo jumbo is preventing you from doing that.... but yet you have no religious concerns about having sex out of wedlock... hmmm im curious, which religion it is that you claim you practice?

Get a divorce.

"weve know how to manage doing that just fine all by ourselves long before we graduated from high school."

Who is we? Not me, but I would love to meet the "we". I'm serious. I grew up strict catholic. Masturbation was sinful. Don't do it. My mother slapped my hand. The boys I talked to growing up said the same. PIV sex was the only acceptable way to enjoy sex. Solo sex was frowned upon. With masturbation comes guilt and shame. I find that with mutual masturbation, including a sex partner is some way, it helps me to a "happy ending". Now I'm trying to reprogram my brain to do it alone or find a sex partner arrangement my wife would consent to. Both options are under investigation.

"So the question is in what religion masturbation is a sin but extramarital sex isn’t?" Islam, but I'm Christian which is another complication. But I have heard it from several dependable sources that if the wife agrees to it, it is not cheating and considered "extramarital". Some people believe watching porn is sinful too. There are many beliefs and opinions. I try not to judge others. I'm trying to respect my wife's judgment and moral values without agreeing to things that lead me to an untenable situation and divorce. Most people say leave the marriage if I want sex and my wife refuses to take care of my sexual needs. Leaving the marriage is not an option for me. I love my wife and I'm looking for ways to work things out.

Not an option. Thanks anyway.

Do you understand why these rules were put in place? The reason was to find a way to keep couples together to assure their children would grow up healthy. When it comes to any kind of organized population, in order to keep the needed population it was important to have offspring that grew up healthy to add to the population. Religions were formed to ensure population is maintained.

Masturbation was seen as a sin because there was a need to have both sexes engage to produce off spring. Keep in mind that years and years ago many children did not survive to adulthood, and many actually died young too only in their early twenties, so that meant it was important to produce many children so some could survive to populate. One cannot have a kingdom or tribe without people.

If you both agree to things, then there is no issue. It’s not cheating if she is in agreement. I thought the issue was that you want it but she considers it cheating. So if you are both up to it , then what are you asking? It doesn’t matter if we, total strangers, are pro or con this or that. What matters is that your wife is against it.

Not only was masturbation a sin, it was in the DSM till the late 60's. Premarital sex was taboo too. We called it fornication. I read the Scarlet Letter. In some cultures adultery is punishable by death.

There was a time when gay people were afraid to come out of the closet too. But those times don't apply to the hear and now. We have our first openly gay cabinet member.

I'm looking for help to "come out of the closet", not debate the genesis of monogamy and the benefits of Non-Monogamy. Are you poly friendly?

You are incorrect. Not only Islam does not condone extramarital sex but adultery is considered to be one of the greatest crimes against Alah. You are so very incorrect

I think what people don’t understand how can one consider masturbation sinful but hooking up with strangers for cyber sex isn’t sinful. It’s not even question of cheating on your wife but how do you have such contradictory beliefs. Where are these beliefs coming from.

As about coming out of the closet and start being polyamorous (cyber sex with strangers isn’t polyamory actually), you are free to do so. It’s not against the law. There are ton of people who do that everywhere in the world.

Do you want people on anonymous forum to give you a “go for it?” We are fine with it. We don’t even know you.

Who isn’t fine with it is your wife. She is the one you need to be asking if it’s ok, not strangers

It's no longer in the DSM as being something bad or wrong. You have a right to pleasure yourself, it's your body. Why do you have to see that as coming out? And maybe your wife simply can't see that you should be able to learn how to self satisfy. If you love her and she is not capable of engaging in sex, then you should at least be able to satisfy yourself. It's just physical and you are not looking for someone else in a relationship, you would just like to enjoy that one pleasure.

I think that other members are telling you that it's really ok for you to pleasure yourself privately. Most will admit they don't see it as wrong or bad or cheating.

We both agree that sex IRL is off the table, with her or with anyone else. It's hard to accept a woman who says she never wants to have sex again for the rest of her life, but that is the situation I'm in and I'm trying to make the best of it.

Sex online is under discussion. She would rather no interaction at all whatsoever. I would like "permission" to engage in real time mutual masturbation. There is quite a bit of grey area in between. I'm trying to work with her to come up with a reasonable compromise. To my chagrin, "sexting" was a major trigger for her. She threatened divorce over an online relationship with a woman 8,000 miles away.

I had agreed not to engage in "sexting" and that was my slip. I did it without telling her and asking her to agree on loosening things up a bit. Now I'm looking for a poly friendly person to give me advice on how to deal with jealousy and how to work on a consent agreement.

Pleasuring myself privately has been a challenge due to deep seated inhibitions. I'm working on that too. One of my platonic friends suggested a masturbation class. She said it is like a meditation class. LOL

I studied Betty Dodson's sex for one and reached out to them to see if they had any suggestions, but they're geared toward women. I'm hopeful I can get some pointers to get past the psychological barriers that I've only been able to overcome with a partner.