Dating again!

I think he should pay for these meals, not you. You are taking care of this man. You have opened your home to him and you've mentioned cooking for him several times. Do you ever go out to eat? Why are you always cooking for him? Don't you go out too? IMO, the man should treat the woman too, it should be 50/50, and most certainly a woman shouldn't carry the financial burden within a relationship. I find it strange that you're frequently cooking at home for him. Does this man live nearby to you? Does he ever invite you over to his home? Have you been to HIS home yet? Does he live alone or with roommates? What do you know of his living situation? A man who frequently travels on business could easily be in another relationship unbeknownst to you, and you could be his side dish, especially if you've never been to his home. Just sayin'. You need to still be wary of random strangers you meet on the internet - many ARE in relationships and want someone on the side. I think it would benefit you to ask to go to his home too. And see what his living situation is like. Ask him to invite YOU over for dinner and see what he says.

He lives with another man in a dorm situation. He just arrived here three months ago and lives in the company dorm which I don't want to visit. I understand that it is fair for him to pay 50/50. But, he does pay when we go out. He lives in the dorm about an hour away. I really don't want to go there. I offer to make meals for him so it is my treat. He never asks me to make meals for him. I like to cook so I'm not unhappy about it. I understand he could be in a relationship with another person may be abroad. He just came from Europe. But, he is here to stay for awhile. He says he is divorced with no kids. He loves his sister and her kids as his family. I know he could be using me for meals but really doubt it. He can afford something more delicious on his salary. So, may be, he is being nice to me. I usually don't cook and don't think my cooking is that great. lol!! So, tomorrow I'm making chicken avocado salad and bruschetta. Before, I made chicken tacos. Prior to this, I made curry. I like cooking for others but don't know if it tastes that good. I adore him so don't mind cooking for him. Also, I really don't think he is involved with anybody else. He is eccentric in some ways. I took a pic of him and me together too. And, he did not mind. He just came from Europe because of lockdown about three months ago. He was at home for almost a year in self-isolation. He was scared he said to go out and meet anybody. He is vaccinated against covid-19 now. I don't think he is cheating on me. He is older than me and has a physical flaw that could turn off others. I accept him as a person totally and his flaw does not bother me. I really adore him. He is sweet and kind. I think we will make it as a couple and are taking it one day at time. Yes, thank you for the concern!! Also, he does not cook. So, we would just eat out if I wanted.

I've read this thread. I'll just list the potential red flags IMO purely to help just in case my gut feeling is not off, this is not to "rain" on your happiness. This is just me saying, stop, use your rational, objective brain half and place all the facts and happening with it too, not just with your emotions.


- Using a highly unlikely story about having no picture to boot

- Having come here from Europe for work - I don't know what background check you did, but have you checked his background in Europe too? Likely married there. Or maybe the whole story is a lie. Maybe even his name is fake and then your background check would fail if that's what it was based on.

- Him so quickly ending up having you do things for him, feeding him free, somehow. Biggest red flag so far even though the no pic story already gave me a gut feeling. The Europe story also did give me another.

- (Only a red flag together with the rest) Him living in a dorm - maybe that's true but maybe he expected you wouldn't feel like checking it out if he says he lives in a dorm.


***

I suggest you tell him you want to go over to his dorm at least once. See his reaction, does he get evasive in ANY way at all?

I would like to also suggest, you give it some time and attention and figure out how he had you feel like he is so nice that he can get any woman and so now you have to cook for him while he doesn't pay for his part in it. Big big red flag to me at that point.

It's wrong of him to let boundaries trespassed like that. Because if you two don't know each other yet, this boundary should be there about paying 50/50. This is how things will most likely be constructive in future, with maintaining good boundaries. He doesn't respect this boundary, sure it may be a genuine mistake but I just don't know if he's better than the average man. It gives me a red flag.



Also he has been acting nice so far. Sure, 6 dates, easy to keep acting nice. But if you ever do anything that he doesn't like, check out how he behaves then. That will tell you far more about him.



Overall, I don't know how old you are, but you said you never had more than 2-3 dates with a man before. That means you don't really know a lot about long-term romantic relationships yet and your gut feelings are not working about them yet, and you do not yet have much objective understanding of how things go in these relationships. (This is not a personal criticism! I'm not trying to offend) I recommend remaining down to earth and not jump into intense feelings while you build up experience. This is nothing personal here but I know how hard it can be if you get burned without experience.

One more piece of input. I noticed in one of your posts something about how he was reassuring you about your self-esteem or the like. That made me feel like, this is also part of being unexperienced in relationships. I don't know his intentions but you've likely been very open with him fast in a way it can make you vulnerable to people with bad intentions. It's best to avoid doing so, opening up so fast to someone you don't know any tangible facts about. Again I suggest you stop and give it attention and think a bit about how you ended up telling him all that. It is again one of the biggest red flags to me here.


All in all. What you are doing here is taking a risk by believing his words and not having the tangible facts about his actual background. You are taking a big risk emotionally and possibly otherwise too. It is like Russian roulette. He may actually be a good man or he may not be a good man at all. So it's a roulette, a lottery, where you are gambling with your deepest and most vulnerable emotions and possibly with your money etc as well.


And, I don't think there is a high chance that you ended up in a good relationship with a good guy if you haven't yet figured out what made abusive men find you. This man could be a more subtle version of the abusive, manipulative type. This is why I also feel like there are red flags here.



***

Sorry if I sound negative. I was heavily traumatised before by a manipulative guy. I was hit very bad. I don't think I'd like to see that happen to anyone else.


I wish you luck in any case!

I don't think I will be responding in this thread again as I have nothing more to add.

Thank you for your insight. I understand your feelings about my situation. I was also abused in my last marriage and was wary of men. Being in an abusive situation really jades your perspective and makes all other situations with potential partners difficult. I come from an abusive family ended up in an abusive marriage but got out in one piece with just the clothes on my back. I know about the American culture of going 50/50 but this is just dating etiquette, not something that I follow since I was brought up in a cocoon of male chauvinism and male dominance. I have tried to be more feminist about my life but I'm more traditional and am not going to worry for now about going 50/50 when we are still getting to know each other. I know what I'm doing. I think after awhile if he always expects me to pay for everything then I will point this out. So far he offers to pay. I am not counting pennies and dollars for now. I am not rich by all means but am not so poor where I need the money from another to pay for meals. I understand that he could be married and giving me a fake name. I am taking a chance. Don't we all take a chance when dating someone? I feel comfortable with him. He is old-fashioned and very classy. I like his character and style so far. Yes, I don't know how he will be if he got angry but it is not in my character to find out by provoking him. He is quite a calm man. He does not anger easily so far from my mistakes I made. He is quite understanding so far. Yes, I know he could have a past but so do I. I have not always been stable and am doing well now but it has not always been this way for me. So, may be, we both have baggage. I accept him the way he is. IF I later find out he is lying to me about his situation, I will let him go. BUT, so far, he seems to be telling me the truth. So, I feel fine about him. IF I do find out, he is not who he says he is, yes, by all means I will let him go. BUT, he seems to be coming to meet me every chance he has. I do feel flattered by his attention. He could be living with another woman, yes. But, for me, I enjoy his company. So, for now, I believe him and his story. IF he does anything out of the ordinary to hurt me, I will let him go. Yes, I've been abused before but he does not seem manipulative to me nor abusive. He lets me make my own decisions and lets me do what I want. Yes, I like him a lot for now. BUT, if I see something wrong with his situation and his story of telling me otherwise, I will let him go. So far, I feel good about him. So, thank you for sharing your insight and your concerns. I am not blinded by infatuation or anything but base my feelings on how he treats me. He treats me well and better than the other men I have met. Yes, he could be still acting nice still. I don't know him that well and he does not know me that well either. So, we both are taking chances. We shall see what lies ahead.

I saw you responded. Some post earlier sounded like you never dated anyone long, but apparently you meant that only about online dating then, if you've had a marriage before. That makes it a bit different, your situation. I still see the red flags though. Of course I hope they don't turn out to be real bad issues. There is a bit of a chance that they don't mean anything. It's just my gut feelings like I said before. Good luck again with all of this. (I likely won't have time to follow the thread further)

So, I'm spending time with this man because I like his company and it gives me something to do. Before, I ate out and just spent my time sleeping. So, he gives me something to do. I also like the fact we give each other space. He has his work and I have mine. I try not to interfere with his work and neither does he. So, we have an understanding that we meet when we both have time.

I am not perfect myself so don't expect perfection from him. I come from a highly dysfunctional family. My parents never told me about dating and the opposite sex. I learned everything on my own. They never told me to be with anybody and never encouraged me to be with anyone. Actually, they never wanted me to marry and to live for them. I realized their selfishness and decided to learn on my own. I do have baggage myself. I can't expect another man to accept me if I don't accept him. So, I know I should have high standards about men but right now I just want companionship and friendship. I am not asking for much. He is nice to me and decent. He treats me well. So, I have no complaints. Yes, he could turn into jerk and may become manipulative. But, so far he has not.

He comes from a good family unlike mine. He is close to his sister and her family since he has no kids. I am not sure yet if I want a long-term relationship with him since we are taking it one day at a time. I will see in about a month or two if our relationship leads anywhere.

I am enjoying his company for now. I am not seeking anything nor demanding anything serious for now. We hardly know each other.. It takes time to build a good relationship. So, I'm just being myself and allowing him to be himself.

I am happy with him so far. I will become worried if he seems less than enthusiastic about me. So far, it is going well. I could be inquisitive but appreciate when he tells me on his own about himself. He asks me about my family too but not too much. I think he is trying to get to know me as a person as I am with him. As people say, he could lie about himself so asking him about his life is rather useless. I base my opinion on how he treats me and how he is with me. Actions speak louder than words.

I hope he doesn’t show up empty handed. Not saying he should bring bags of groceries (although he certainly could if he is a head manager) but at the very least he should come over with dessert, flowers, fruits, something else for the house etc Doesn’t just show up empty handed to eat for free and spend the night. It’s rude if that’s what he does.

He bought me a chocolate pie and offers to pay. So, when I need him to pay, I will. So far I am not worried about it. Yes, I should get him to pay more but for now, I am not hurting financially and am not counting who pays for what. My father never bought my mother flowers nor chocolates but stayed around for over 60 years with her. They love each other by taking care of each other. He works while she keeps house. I know these type of arrangements are of my parents' generation. I am not really into flowers, chocolates, gifts that are meaningless. I just want him to stick around and be a man to me. Yes, one day I expect him to care for me as I am caring for him. I think this is not unexpected if I take care of his needs while I can. I don't think he is a bad man. He is a little male chauvinistic but I don't mind. I really like him for now. He is not ideal but is ideal for me.

Forgive me for saying so, but I feel like you're contradicting yourself by saying he could be a jerk, he could be married, he could be living with a woman and I'll be careful, but then still you're making grand statements like he's ideal for you and that you adore him. And sorry, I don't mean to point fingers and blame you here, I have all good intentions of watching out for your emotional well being and safety.

I agree with the poster who pointed out all the red flags. One red flag standing out to me the most right now is he claims he lives in a dorm. This seems like a set up so you won't want to come visit him. And he travels a lot on business, and had no photo on his dating profile. These are red flags, in addition to the chauvinism you just mentioned. You said you don't mind this, but this could be an indicator of how he may treat you once the honeymoon phase ends. You mentioned you grew up in a chauvinistic household, so perhaps it's easier to let this slide because you're used to it and were conditioned to this behavior growing up. I think it's something to watch out for. He treats you well now, but of course he does since you're taking care of his every need - you feed him, you give him a home to sleep him and you're taking care of him. This is far too much too soon in my opinion. He should also be reciprocating - how is HE taking care of YOU? Is he? You say you don't want flowers or chocolate or little gifts, but these are the things men should be doing in the beginning of a new relationship. But he doesn't need to do any of these things since you are doing all the giving without asking for reciprocation.

I feel wary of this man given several red flags. My gut tells me he has another woman somewhere, and that he's fabricated moving there within the last 3 months to live in a dorm and travel on business. The biggest tip off is no photo on his profile. When dating, people who are married and involved don't use photos because they don't want to be found out. Those who are single and looking to date have photos.

Again, I think you need to avoid conclusive statements such as he is ideal for me and I adore him. Wait on coming to conclusions about this man. You still do not know him well, and he very likely could be lying to you given all the red flags pointed out here.

Well I am not sure he is a male chauvinist. Don’t they feel and act like they are superior to women? He lives in a dorm (head manager in a dorm???) and regularly eats for free in a woman’s house, woman he barely knows! Nothing superior about that.

IF it's even true that he lives in a dorm.

Will the moderator please close this thread? It is becoming a cat fight unfortunately. I am no longer interested in hearing from others about this subject. Thank you!!

I don't see a cat fight happening here at all. No one here is arguing with one another. I think the point is that he could be lying to you and people, including myself, are wary of this man. There are many red flags.

I don’t see any fights, quite the opposite. People who posted on your thread are all in agreement that you need to be careful with this man as his behavior and stories are suspicious. I didn’t notice anyone fighting about anything. Of course those are just opinions about this man and you are free to do as you see fit

That sure is a lot of questions, and rightfully so. To me, he sounds full of fluff - all these stories of resorts and villas and buying a condo wth cash? It's not adding up when he lives in a dorm. And he talks about the mafia? Be very careful.

Careful? Well, I'm trying my best. Also, do you know the meaning of cheap? He is cheap but his wallet is not. He has tons of money in it. So, no, I don't think of stealing from him. I don't go near his phone nor his wallet. I am a bit wary of him but am alone here. So, here we go again!! I will just let him be. I think being myself and not asking too many questions are perfect for my safety. I don't want to know too much about him. But, he sounds interesting but so cheap that I figure he must have saved much money somewhere. Who cares though!! I will just be myself. I like him but don't know where it will lead. May be, no where? I don't know. I am so tired that sometimes I don't care. I think I caught something fishy!! lol!!!

@bpforever1
I understand your upsetting. It has been made lots of assumptions about this guy. I want to believe that they were only due to call your attention to be cautious.
I wanted to stress you on two points:
One is that you said he has a physical flaw and it makes you feel more confident in the sense that he could be more available. It gives you kind of sense of security. But, I wonder up to what point a relationship could be based on you or the other being seen as inferior.

The other point is that I see you very given. Slow it down. Give yourself the permit to see what the other does. There must be a balance, especially in these first stages of knowing each other.

I based this reply on a lengthy post you made but must have deleted. You had a lot of questions about this guy and seemed to be expressing more doubt than usual, and I think rightfully so given all that you wrote today but deleted.

It’s normal she has doubts. She is at the beginning of a relationship. And never is out of place to consider things that it’s worthy to take into account.
Deleted? What does she have delete? I missed this.
I normally receive notifications on my e-mail account but it’s only shown the first new post.

I never said it's not normal to have doubts. The OP jumps in typically into relationships and gets into trouble this way each and every time, if you do not know the history. This is the first time she is expressing some amount of doubt since meeting this man. We've all cautioned her because of many red flags we all see in this man.

Have you read the entire thread? It doesn't seem like you have and like you're jumping in mid-story.

Did you even read my post? 🤨

Why would I quote you if I hadn't read your post? That's a silly question. The OP had written a lengthy post to which I had replied. When I returned an hour later, that lengthy post had been deleted.

Yeah there was a post about organized crime and some resorts and buying condos with cash. It isn’t here anymore.

So, I'm feeling ok and am always tired though. Yes, he has a physical flaw. I don't feel he is inferior though. I don't know what to make of him actually. I think he is going to be away this weekend again so I will have time to myself. I need to think. I'm not sure what I can do that is constructive. So, I do like him but don't really know him well yet. I will be cautious. I do like being with him when he is with me. But, his background is something I can't pin down and something I don't want to really know from what I already know. Thank you for reading!! Have a nice day!

He and I still text daily. He is getting busier though. He has to travel all over the country as the new manager. I am feeling ok about him. He always says positive things to me and uplifts my spirits. I do like him. As for his background, I am not sure about it. I will base my feelings on how he treats me, not what he says about himself. I have not revealed my illness either yet because I have not asked him about his physical health either. So far, he seems to be in great physical shape. Also, he does not give me any drama. As for his talk about the mafia, I brought up this subject myself because my father likes mafia movies. So, we had a lengthy chat about mafia movies and how we enjoy them. And, as for his cheapness, well, he offers to pay and does pay when I ask. So, he is not always cheap but is willing to pay when asked. So, I do like him. He is good to me so far. He is supportive of me also. He never puts me down or questions my actions. He also is private about his work so I make sure not to ask too many questions about this. He plays down his role but I believe he is a executive manager of several countries in this area of the world. He travels extensively. He is traveling this weekend again. I really don't care about his job. My job is nothing grand so I am not going to expect his job to be something grand. I like him for his actions towards me. Yes, he likes to be served but he does offer to help me in the kitchen if I need it. So, I could ask for more help, but don't really need it for now. As for his living situation, his roommate might move out when his family arrives. It is hard to rent here. Some places don't like foreigners. So, it is very difficult to rent here. I myself have experienced this here. In a nutshell, we are doing great!!