How to tell someone their behavior triggers my ptsd

ptsd is a beast. I have abandonment and trust issues from an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage. I struggle with how to tell family and friends when something they say or do triggers a flashback. Logically, I know that the person didn't intend their actions or words to hurt me. I just don't know how to raise awareness of my personal triggers without possibly making them feel blamed.

I have this on my list of topics to discuss at my next appointment, but that is still a week away. I don't want to avoid talking to this person or be over alert to be prepared for a flashback. I guess my question really is, if you were the person who I need to talk to, what would help you understand how your behavior affected me without feeling like I was blaming you?

I wish I could say that explaining to others things they say or do can trigger the ptsd to act up works. However, I find that I end up getting responses that are “just” dismissive statements. People simply do not understand. Therefore it’s up to the one suffering to gradually learn skills to manage their ptsd and get help from a therapist to do just that.

The thing is that even if you tell them, something totally different they say could still trigger you. So by telling them basically they will either start walking on egg shells around you for fear of saying anything that triggers you, or they will ignore what you say & continue on like they are used to.

Even with you telling them they can't possibly guess at everything that would trigger you.

That is why is is important for YOU to be aware & learn skills to handle those triggered thoughts if/when they happen.

I was watching a movie on my computer just after I moved away from where I experienced a trauma that caused some PTSD. A car blew up in the movie. Yep, it triggered me. A car never blew up in the trauma I experienced but I actually had a well founded fear that the car I was getting into to drive might have had a bomb in it, or the breaks cut. Instead the evil person I actually saw in my rear view mirror as I was driving to the police station to file a case against her for the other abuses she did to my mom who was dying of cancer.

Years later, a car exploding that never actually happened was a trigger. Who would have ever thought but that is how subtle triggers can be & to expect others to be the ones to take care not to trigger you, it that really going to even work?

Talking about what happened may help them steer clear of related discussions but it is not going to stop normal conversations from happening any more than someone who has PTSD from combat can stop 4th of july fireworks.

Just something to think about & maybe discuss in therapy too.

I am sorry you experienced an abusive relationship. I hope this person is out of your life now.

I think it will make them walk on eggshells too around you if you try to bring up your triggers to friends and family. I believe it's always best to fully own your PTSD triggers and reactions with a therapist and to work towards how to manage the triggers when they occur. That way, you're not burdening others with your issue and are taking responsibility for managing it. I am not saying that the PTSD is your fault... it's because you were abused. That's never the victim's fault, nor is your resulting PTSD. But now that you've dealt with post traumatic stress and carry that around with you, it needs to be treated and worked on, massaged so to speak, so you can cope with triggers as they arise. I hope I'm making sense.

I have PTSD from molestation in my youth. I can say it's been a lifelong struggle. Once I decided to not be a victim and became a survivor by standing up for myself, then we were on equal playing ground. Sure. I still get heart palpitations when I feel like I'm being abused again. I instantly recognize this and quell it flat. I used to get so enraged when I felt violated. I agree with what's written above. People do not understand or even care. Once I decided to care about myself and to care less about what other people talked about, things began to change. I could control my thoughts, words, actions and deeds taking responsibility for myself, in all ways. I don't take responsibility for others anymore.

Thanks everyone..
My personal trigger is a phrase my ex husband always said to me. I've gotten to the point where hearing most people say it or reading it or whatever and all I need is a deep breath and I'm fine. I've worked hard to get to this point. Hearing my daughter say it to me while I was making sure she handed in homework (she's still virtual for school and has a history of turning assignments in late)... it just hurt. I went through my groundings, didn't cry, focused on the task at hand... I got through it like one gets through a funeral if that makes sense.
Maybe I'll call my doc tomorrow. I feel like waiting a week is going to be worse than asking my daughter not to use the saying.

It’s definitely work to reduce how something can cause a trigger At least you have identified it so you can work on it. I hate it when I don’t know what triggered me.

If it's one particular person, I'd describe your top trigger that affects you most and how. Can I ask what this person is doing/saying that's triggering? Maybe we can help formulate a conversation?

Quote:

I've gotten to the point where hearing most people say it or reading it or whatever and all I need is a deep breath and I'm fine.

One T I had after I left my bad marriage told me I had experienced some level of trauma dealing with my H for 33 years in that bad marriage. Lol....the quote above has one of the one trigger word that really sent me into anger in my marriage "WHATEVER" He would always say that whenever I confronted him. I actually saw red a few times when that happened. By the time I left, if I would have had a baseball bat, I would have sent him sailing every time I heard that word. It is used so many places with different meanings than he used it for but for several years, that word would ring in my ears every time I heard it. Doesn't bother me 14 years later. Not even sure when it stopped bothering me. I understand but it was definitely something I had to bring under my control

My apologies for presenting a potential trigger. I'm glad to know that there is possibility for moving past certain things to the point where it no longer matters. It was a major step forward for me not to lose emotional control when experiencing a bad memory today. I think even a week or 2 ago I would have ended up a sobbing mess curled up in bed.

As far out as the father of my children can be.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover My apologies for presenting a potential trigger. I'm glad to know that there is possibility for moving past certain things to the point where it no longer matters. It was a major step forward for me not to lose emotional control when experiencing a bad memory today. I think even a week or 2 ago I would have ended up a sobbing mess curled up in bed.

No apology necessary , it was just a good example that things like this can pass with time. I lived with it 33 years & it was about 5 years after I left that it never bothered me again. The movie can't apologize for the car bomb, things like that just happen around us in our daily life which is why we need to learn the skills we need to handle it.

Glad to hear you are improving. Each step is a big ACCOMPLISHMENT.....

Quote:

Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover As far out as the father of my children can be.

Yea, not easy. Shoot, I live 2100 miles away & we have an adult daughter & I am still involved in a law suit against my EX in Calif along with the person he sold the house to & EX stole the money from the sale

I live in the house we bought after getting married. 75% of my current mental health issues are likely caused by being in covid 19 isolation in this house. The only room I haven't remodeled yet is the kitchen. Hmmm...

Thanks for letting me just say the things that come to my mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover I live in the house we bought after getting married. 75% of my current mental health issues are likely caused by being in covid 19 isolation in this house. The only room I haven't remodeled yet is the kitchen. Hmmm... Thanks for letting me just say the things that come to my mind.

It's good to say what comes to mind. My T said it solidifies our thoughts & brings them to light.

Yes, the last 13 years I lived with my husband before leaving him 14 years ago caused me major depression. Didn't realize it at the time & none of the mental health professionals ever got it either. It went away when I moved away from him though I needed the good therapy I finally got to process it all.

That is the good thing with owning a farm & a horse. There is no isolation. Less social activities but I have to constantly go to feed stores & get hay & do all the normal daily stuff outside. All of us continue life as we always have & interface like normal.

Wish I could do some remodeling & fencing & a small barn. When I tried to get a home loan on my paid for farm was when I found out my name was still on the home loan after the house was sold. (Illegal). Couldn't get a loan to do the repairs & have to take the new owner to court to force him to get a new loan because he is stupid enough not to do it without court. Fool, it will cost him more in court fees than to just go out & get a new loan. So the battle & my EX's financial irresponsibility that was abusive is still a battle. Will be nice when it is over with & I never have to deal with his stupidity again

Please be careful about making your child responsible for your mental health. I know that would not be your intention, please don’t get me wrong. But that could unwittingly be how it is received. Additionally, the message that she is in any way communicating hurtfully like her abusive father (again, I know that would not be your intention) might be heavy baggage for a child. Kids internalize things sometimes incorrectly and my concern is that might be an unintended result of talking to her about this specific trigger.

As others have said, we who deal with PTSD ultimately have to learn the skills to work through our own triggered responses because no matter how much we think we know what triggers us, sometimes it is just not terribly predictable.

Yes, please call your pdoc. Far better than asking your daughter not to trigger you. She cannot be responsible for your triggers... hopefully your pdoc will be able to help you with this.

I had a phone call with my T this morning. She's very proud of me for the emotional control I had yesterday since it really was a major accomushment for me. She also said, my desire to address how the conversation with my daughter overwhelmed me was another accomplishment. Its a step toward having my needs met through open communication. She will email me some information about starting a conversation with my daughter about emotional abuse. Hiding it, not addressing it when it was happening, pretending it didn't matter.... that certainly didn't turn out well for me.

My 15 yo daughter isn't responsible for the triggers created by her father. But I am responsible for making sure my daughter has the tools to stand up to him or anyone else if she needs them. I'm also responsible for making sure other people are aware of my feelings, good and bad because hiding them hasn't worked.

Thank you all for your thoughts and opinions. We all deserve to be heard and have heard what you said.

Talking to your therapist was good because the therapist knows how much work it is to learn how to navigate triggers and work on reducing how they affect you personally. Unfortunately, that is something the average person simply isn't going to understand and that too can be triggering and tiring. Abusers do a lot of invalidating and say things to reduce the importance of their victims rights and feelings. Abusers like to invalidate the importance of how their victims feel as a way to gain control over their victims. It's all about what the abuser decides is important and not their victim so they tend to demean and devalue whatever is important to their victim. An abuser wants all the focus on them because it gives them a sense of control, often to make up for the emptiness and lack of control inside them. They actually know what their victim cares about and they use it to gain control because that is what they want most and they don't care about who or what they use to gain control.

This is what children do not understand because children just want to have approval and to feel important and loved. Children do not understand when an abuser is using them in order to hurt a spouse either. It can be very challenging to explain to a child what they are being used for and that it's wrong to go along with an abuser's game. And abusers like to practice triangulation and they don't even care if they use their own children to do that either.

It's understandable that certain things your daughter says can trigger you. She may say these things because she has heard these phrases used and children are parots and they simply don't understand that things they are picking up are not healthy.

It's good that you are making the house you live in YOUR own little by little. It takes time and patience to slowly gain your own sense of power back and learn what triggers you so you can slowly get better at managing whatever these triggers are and slowly regain your personal sense of power back again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover I had a phone call with my T this morning. She's very proud of me for the emotional control I had yesterday since it really was a major accomushment for me. She also said, my desire to address how the conversation with my daughter overwhelmed me was another accomplishment. Its a step toward having my needs met through open communication. She will email me some information about starting a conversation with my daughter about emotional abuse. Hiding it, not addressing it when it was happening, pretending it didn't matter.... that certainly didn't turn out well for me. My 15 yo daughter isn't responsible for the triggers created by her father. But I am responsible for making sure my daughter has the tools to stand up to him or anyone else if she needs them. I'm also responsible for making sure other people are aware of my feelings, good and bad because hiding them hasn't worked. Thank you all for your thoughts and opinions. We all deserve to be heard and have heard what you said.

What wonderful progress. So glad your T validated your progress & has great ways of helping even more. Glad you will be working with your daughter & teaching her functional skills. I wish I knew the skills I know now when my daughter was growing up.

Keep up the good WORK (& I know it is hard work)

I just want to add that what I am saying isn't meant to be cold either. When struggling with ptsd it can seem like you are a burden and too sensitive and that no one will understand how challenging it is. This especially gets hard when others seem to say things that are dismissive and at times invalidating. This is why it's important to spend time with a therapist that DOES understand what you are so very challenged with. It's important to have a presence that respects the challenge and can actually notice the small gains you are making despite this challenge.

My 1st husband raped my cousins wife. My 2nd husband was a drunk. My 3rd husband was a total narcissist, gaslighter, control freak, liar and cruel. But, he wasn't a cheater. I was so brain washed after the last one. Yes, I loved them all. Haha. True story. Since I made my escape, I live alone with my dog and it's peaceful. Hugs to all of you...

I've been dealing with my own mental health issues for over 35yrs (some of that I had no clue what was going on .. judt knew I was miserable).

As far as your question...

I started off trying to tell people "I cant handle talking about that" but I found that just gave them ammunition to pick on me. Then I started trying to tell them "that hurts to talk about too much" and they either got angry or picked on me. So I went quiet. Then they started noticing my reactions caused by the ptsd, but even that wasnt always good.

In the end .. I just tell them, let them react however they want, tell myself how they react us everything to do other them, and nothing to do with me. Then see if they respect my needs or not. If not, I have limited it no contact with them. If so. . alls good.

That's how I deal though. Hope you find your way soon bc it's hard. ❤

Agreed. For some reason, it's just ammunition to people. It probably triggers them somewhere their own buried traumas ha ha. ...... I really have no other explanation for it except the below one, of course. It's just stupid. I don't bother to understand it. It's what it is. I cut off many people before I realised this was just how it was. Only people who actually really care about you or about humanity in general will not use it as ammunition. So it at least is a good test to show the level of their caring and emotional investment.

Now I don't tell them at all about how it's causing trauma reactions for me, I decided it's too private to mention (it's lessened anyway by now), I just am like, I will tell them assertively and yea sometimes - if they behaved really crappily - a bit aggressively that I want s**t to stop, because I find that helps me not have a too strong trauma reaction or helps remove it.

And if they don't listen, then I just stop contact, yeah.

If they do listen, and it happens to coincide with the cases where I don't talk aggressively even just a bit, just assertively and constructively, because they did less bad s**t in the first place anyway, then I can still be okay with them. Sometimes this happens, and I won't mind these people, and may still talk to them afterwards, but I still distance internally from them. I just make myself disengage.

Also, talking aggressively or not doesn't seem to have anything to do with the outcome with these people. The aggressiveness or anger I feel, that only has to do with the amount of s**t behaviour that causes triggers for me. And that's why they also don't actually listen to me and respect my issue. Like I said I tried to talk about how it makes me feel, no aggressiveness or anger at all, and that didn't make them respect it or pay attention to it any more. Because of their willingness to do s**t in the first place.