Are people in your life extremely unsupportive during your hard times?

I’ll probably start implementing all the above starting my next shift.

I’m also wondering, give that my current emotional age is no more than 10 years old, would it be acceptable for me to act like a child as long as I’m not disruptive or rude to anyone? Like making naive, innocent comments that adults find so cute?

And out in public, would it be acceptable for me to go to the children’s section of the library and use the bean bag chair to either read or play with my phone? And trick or treat. Or telling Santa what I want for Christmas, without sitting on his lap of course.

I’m emotionally 10 years old only because I’ve been severely emotionally traumatized too many times. I might have been emotionally 20 something at one time, only to have some traumatic events cause me to devolve. Or maybe possibly I developed so slowly that my emotional age never exceeded 10 years old in the first place. Again the result of multiple traumatic events.

If anyone knew my situation, would they be willing to treat me like a cute little child?

If your GM called you all these things, he did not keep proper, clear boundaries with you since you are a woman, i.e. the opposite sex.

I bet that he crossed way more boundaries than just those.


I think you need to analyse and take this fact in to be able to move on. And then learn to not allow people to do that again.

Ruby, no it will not be appropriate for you to behave like a child at work. They expect to be working with an adult; therefore you need to behave as an adult. Adults do not find adults making naive comments to be cute. It does not come off as naive or innocent, precisely because you are not a child.

Regarding being in public: this can be a challenge to navigate. It's probably fine for you to sit on a bean bag chair in the library as long as you are quiet and not disruptive. Trick or treating is a no. Santa Claus is a no (unless it's specifically for adults - I have seen that).

You are no longer a child. I understand wanting to have childhood things back. I grew up with domestic violence and abuse and basically didn't have a childhood, so I often want those things as well. But you are an adult, and to make things simply you should consider that anything that is for children to do is not for you to do.

I am glad you will try to implement those rules at your next shift. I think what works for you, as we've seen by how you respond to talks from your supervisors and changing your behaviors, is clear expectations of what you are supposed to do and how you are supposed to behave. It may even be in your best interest, when you are confused, to ask your supervisor to clarify what the expectation is in simple terms so you can do better.

Who said she was the first one to cross or break boundaries?

Ofcourse I don't know her, but I wouldn't assume that automatically.

There is already a fact that the GM crossed her boundaries as per the above.

I am not assuming anything automatically. I have been on this forum a long time and have read and participated in most of Ruby's threads.

Whatever is quoted above is incomplete and does not tell us exactly what the GM said, when he said it, or any of the context. Nor does Ruby even confirm is was the GM.

Further, you are not even responding to what I said, but instead making some cross inference to her GM and my advice. I said she could infer that she needs to keep proper boundaries with EVERYONE.

Even if the GM did something inappropriate, Ruby should maintain her boundaries.

I am not going to argue with you about it. You can give your advice, and I'll give mine.

It's not incomplete information. It's a boundary crossing on its own. A male manager addressing a female employee in a personal way like that, that's just not okay.

OP needs to understand that for sure, as it's a repeating issue.

Seesaw gave you some really good advice. I hope you begin implementing it on your next shift.

Her previous supervisor was female.

Again, she did not say exactly what was said or the context. A coworker might give me a compliment about my attitude being sunny and it means nothing. Before I can make any assessment about the GM's behaviors, I would have to know exactly what he said and the context. Context is decisive.

Regardless, Ruby needs to address her own behaviors to meet her goals. Having read her accounts of other interactions with this GM, I am not inclined to believe he made an inappropriate statement to her.

OK, I'm talking about the GM she started the thread about. She may have more than one issues around this, but this is definitely one of them.



She did say it exactly.

The context does not matter, because such wording is always inappropriate between male manager and female employee.

I can't really repeat that again. If you don't agree, not my problem.

OP can evaluate my comment for herself.

I suggest she also discuss it in therapy later when she gets access to help.

I think it’s important to notice that you lasted long time in Sams and you mostly behaved well (only few incidents that i recall. It tells me that you have ability to do well (not saying it’s easy ).

The thing is that we all feel all kind of things. It’s not unusual to feel upset or angry or lazy etc But you can’t act on those feelings when at work. If you want to keep a job and for people to treat you well, you must act accordingly. Sometimes it means sucking up until you go home. That’s why it’s important to have support of a therapist or something similar so you can tell them when you feel overwhelmed

What is it? Buttercup? I don't know the context of this remark. Every day? He said it once? He was trying to put her at ease with a compliment?

The problem is Ruby cannot tell the difference. I have had playful nicknames with coworkers that I have good relationships with. He may have done this before he realized Ruby's infatuation tendencies. The point is: we do not know. This is why it's essential for Ruby to maintain that list of boundaries because she cannot tell the difference between a friendly compliment and a romantic advance.

Behaving as a child at work or professional setting or making childish jokes etc is not a good idea. Now maintaining a bit of a childhood behaviors in a private life is fine. Like it’s not against the law to tell Santa what you want for Christmas. Or watch cartoons at home.

But trust me people will not think it’s cute if you start acting like a kid at work. Let’s not do that

Firstoff, I am saying all this for the sake of OP.


She mentioned more than one of these.

A male manager simply cannot talk like this to a female employee. That's not a way to put them at ease with compliments like that.

OP needs to move on from such inappropriate relations, disengage from them, not enter them at all, and find healthy ones instead.


That's coworkers, not the same situation.

I don't think OP is joking when she says she's felt emotionally abused a lot.



This is inappropriate, no matter whether she has "tendencies", no matter who the female employee is. Wait, I am repeating myself. It's simply a strict rule at work. Not my invention, either.



This isn't even about that. This is basic boundaries between people in power vs the people they manage, especially if they are male, but really, that just adds to the power aspect, it would be inappropriate between female boss, male employee too.

OP needs to know about this boundary, too. About power related issues as well.

Thanks, Rechu. I think it would be good if we could outline these basic boundaries for Ruby.

And I think it would be good for this thread to be focused back on the OP.

I don’t think he crossed boundaries. He called me those things only when I had something to say to him. As in, “what’s up buttercup?” And it was more than once in the 3 years we worked together. Nothing wrong with that. Not just fast food but any work setting,

I’m most concerned about the fact that he seemed to think I crossed boundaries and acted accordingly. I know I might have but it’s still upsetting to be pushed aside.

I understand you feel abandoned. And it's okay to have your feelings, there is nothing wrong with that.

What you do need to do now is leave him alone though and behave yourself at work. You don't want to end up in the same situation as at Arby's, and you know now that he doesn't want contact with you, so best to leave it alone, and simply be a professional at work and maintain your boundaries and respect other people's.

Were you able to find a NAMI meeting near you and put it on your calendar?

Quote:

I’m most concerned about the fact that he seemed to think I crossed boundaries and acted accordingly. I know I might have but it’s still upsetting to be pushed aside.

It is called "CONSEQUENCES" ....It's upsetting BUT that should cause change in YOUR BEHAVIOR not theirs....it is also how YOU perceive what they are doing to you but YOU are not looking at what they are doing from their perspective, only your own, thus, your lack of understanding of social situations like this. You need professional help to get you to see the REALITY of the situation which is not how you are able see it or are willing to see it. What your behavior is like isn't healthy for you or the others you are working around.

Ok I’ll leave him alone. I’m also awaiting the result of the DM talking to him on my behalf. Maybe he’ll come back around or maybe he won’t. Either way is fine. But it would mean a lot if he does. DM would most likely tell him how much it’s hurting me, that’s all.

Also, I recall being told in my previous threads that the Arby’s supervisor don’t care about me at all. How about that GM at McDonald’s? Does he?

Every Tuesday 6-8 pm I’m planning on NAMI. Looking forward

No one here can tell you how he feels about you. We can't read his mind.

It would probably be best for you if he does not come back around, because you read into things. If he came back to the store to get something, would you think there was some significance in that, that he cares about you?

He may very well care about you, but he cannot be around you because of your behavior. Your behavior makes you an unsafe person for others because you do not observe their boundaries. There are many people who I care about and wish the best for, but for my own mental well being I do not go around them.

Ruby, what's hurting you is that you perceive there is some kind of special relationship when there is not one. When you say "how much it's hurting you", do you understand the inappropriateness of the whole situation? Your GM, who is merely an authority figure at your work, transferred, and it's deeply hurting you so much that you act out and have to be talked to by management. This is not normal.

When you go to NAMI, when thing you need to work on is building healthy levels of attachment and boundaries with different groups of people: coworkers, family, friends, acquaintances, etc.

I know it's very confusing, and I know you feel hurt. With time the hurt will fade. And in the meantime, follow the list of suggestions I gave you and the suggestions others gave you so you can remain professional at work.

Also, do you do anything outside of work to make friends? Do you have any hobbies that you could join a group of people who have that hobby and make some non-work friends?

So you say you were first trying to befriend him in an overly emotionally open way before he ever did anything, I get that, but what I am saying is that he also didn't keep boundaries. Of course it may be like with how some people are unable to say "no", because they want to be "nice", but it's still their responsibility to be able to say "no".

So all I am saying is he has a responsibility too in this situation that all this ended up at. As a manager of you, and of the opposite sex, he should never have behaved that familiar with you. Even if he had good intentions, just no.


Yes, you also probably crossed boundaries with him but that doesn't change the fact that you need to look beyond yourself to understand the entire situation.

But also in yourself, too. You need to understand how his words and actions affected you and how it led to this kind of strong attachment interacting with your existing issues. And then hopefully, eventually you'll know when to avoid people who are being too friendly overstepping boundaries/not keeping them clear.

Because I do not believe that there is any point to putting literally all the responsibility and blame on you if you want to fully understand the entire situation. It always takes two to tango even if you did a large part of the tango.

You have to be able to understand and see the situation emotionally both from within and from the outside as if you were a 3rd party/observer.

That may take many years, even with hard work, yes but it's worth trying.


Good luck.

I don’t have any friends. Did I ever have friends? Hell yeah! Countless. But by now, I lost every single one of them. My longest lasting group of friends lasted 4-5 years and they’re from church. Friends either outright walked out on me or they slowly drifted away. Either way, it’s always because issues at work preclude me from putting in the effort to maintain any friendships outside of work.

I lived in this town since 2007. Guaranteed none of the friends I made back then are still my friends now.

As for that GM, he may have been a tad too familiar with me when he called me those terms. But then again, he had called half of us similar terms occasionally. Because he’s a nice person. Lots of people mentioned how nice and good he is so it’s not like I was off base for feeling that he’s nice and friendly. Or more accurately, WAS nice and kind.

None of my coworkers agreed that he changed as a person though.

They likely care about you in the sense of caring about your well being such as want you to be well, healthy and so on. But it doesn’t mean they care to the degree of being close friends or anything like that. In addition to it I think they make an effort to stay away from you to protect themselves due to your behaviors.

It’s entirely possible that he is a nice and friendly person. I don’t think he changed as a person, he just had to distance himself from you for his own protection. Especially as he is a manager

Your coworkers likely don’t see any change because he never distanced himself from them. He didn’t have the need as they don’t cross boundaries.

So it’s important you maintain appropriate behavior at work. Be friendly but don’t share too much and give people space.

What exactly happened before he distanced from you suddenly like this? Did you have any emotional talk with him or an argument or anything? Did you get angry or make a demand or anything like that? It's not a shame, I'm just asking to try and understand better.

Nothing in particular. The day he first pushed me away he already been gone for 6 weeks. Then he came to borrow stuff and I found out he changed. It’s very likely that he heard from my coworkers how much I really missed him. I never stopped talking about it. I even said he took a part of me with him. That was all BEFORE he changed.