Losing compassion

I still have compassion for my husband—I assume. However I have lost patience with his ultra rude behavior and selfishness. I am not feeling compassion, I am feeling annoyed by him.
I don’t gaf almost. I’m growing cold, grown cold. I don’t want to give more than the middle, I only want to compromise fairly.
I’m not able to size up the state of the relationship. I think it could be quickly better, which I think means its not that bad, is fixable. But am I wrong? his behavior can be so annoying (that’s how I think of it NOW). I’m so resentful and sooo annoyed and frustrated by him!
Does it get better?
It’s like don’t criticize him. Don’t be a b. Don’t be crazy (calls ME crazy frequently when I’m not). He acts up acts out freaks out is so LOUD. He might never talk to you either!
He makes strides too and fixes some problems, so that’s encouraging.
He communicates poorly with others. Very awkward. Offensive paranoid overbearing. he can be charming, but he acts so obnoxiously sometimes, and it’s not excusable obnoxiousness sometimes. I feel like I’m being so mean and I would feel bad if he read this and got upset.
He has bipolar and takes meds and is bouncing back from near break. It’s been a few years or so, but it takes a lot of time for him heal.
I work to protect all our lives health and sanity. But sometimes I realize it’s dysfunctional. But then it okay again the next minute.
It doesn’t make any sense and it’s exhausting!!
It’s like I’m rejecting because I need boundaries. Or rejecting if I want him to have limits. Or unsupportive if I don’t trust his choices. And stupid when I trust his choices! At least sometimes.

This does sound dysfunctional. Why don’t you just talk to him? Can you? All of this acting out is a part of an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Is it possible his bipolar medication is not working so well for him?

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Why should you have compassion towards someone who treats you poorly?

Having compassion does not mean letting others trample all over us, disrespect our boundaries and/or be abusive towards us.

You can also have compassion and enforce your boundaries so that people treat you respectfully. This is not selfish or being mean - this is basic self-care / self-respect.

we have an unhealthy dynamic- I’m not sure if it’s an unhealthy dynamic entirely, or just unhealthy when there is a disagreement. The basis of our disagreements are often absolutely ridiculous, too.

he acts out to anyone because he lacks interpersonal skills to do better. And I guess because he has inner turmoil.

Ive talked to him about this before—how his communication is not positive and won’t help him. Sometimes he might agree, or more often he’ll say he doesn’t have capacity for other peoples sensitivity. he will blame the other person. He might later blame himself but it doesn’t help anything.

I think it’s working. He takes it faithfully after the couple times he went off of it and did not do so well. I think the meds give him stability but he still has issues with consumption and some obsessive behavior. He can seem happy go lucky when he has his comforts all around him. He has trauma to work through

Exactly. I can’t have compassion for him when he treats me poorly. And I must have respect for myself and good boundaries, and self care. He struggles with a serious mental health condition, so I do take that into consideration. We’ve never had an easy relationship since we both came from dysfunctional families. I needed three years of counseling to build up boundaries self care and self respect.
I can’t stand him when his behavior is obnoxious. I feel bad for him or worried when his thinking is off. It’s just hard and the whole thing needs work.

Is he in therapy? Are you in therapy together? I would insist that he goes to therapy to work on his behaviors. And perhaps a couples counselor can help bring the issues to light to work through. Otherwise, I'm afraid you're going to continue to be vexed by his behaviors and it will eventually drive you away and apart.

does he understand that his emotional regulation is bad ?
does he know how it makes you feel when he lashes out at you ?
have you told him exactly how you feel then ?

In a way it shouldn't matter even if he did. So I feel for you that you feel that way.

He is not in therapy. He just checks in with a psych to continue pills once every six months? Year? It’s not often. He has said in the past that he doesn’t need it and that only I do (he knows that’s a lie), or he’s said he doesn’t have the capacity for it. He is easily triggered and often edgy. He distracts himself constantly. It must be uncomfortable. We had a couples session scheduled for today (first one) but he bowed out. He cleaned up his mess instead. 1700 lbs of junk to the dump. So I guess he did his own therapy that way.
I definitely will continue to be vexed. I’ve been telling him his behavior is annoying almost every day lately. I’m nice about it, if that makes sense. I just now said he is a brat. He didn’t disagree. He tries to dominate and control in ridiculous ways. It used to terrify me. Then I tried to stay strong and not play his game, just tell him what’s what and walk away. Still scary but helped. Lately, he just annoys me or his behavior infuriates me because his choices effect me, and he doesn’t seem to care. Sometimes (rarely) when he acts like this, I feel sorry for him because it’s so short sighted and ineffective.

He doesn’t care how I feel because it’s just a power struggle for him. He just laughs, or makes excuses, or gets rude. he used to say he is just “passionate” until I stopped believing that was a thing. Usually he will deny how I feel. He just tells me to stop talking about him, or says I make things up, or mocks me, or tells me I’m a big baby and everyone should feel very sorry for me. He is very immature. I have told him how I feel, but he cannot ever care in real time. He’s never apologized. I made him apologize for something horrible he did, and it took like two or three years. I think he thinks that if he budges in a direction towards me in a dispute, then my little brain will start believing something that won’t be in his favor. So he’d rather bully and hide to control how I perceive him.
He has said “thanks for loving me and supporting me” (while he is in a bad spot).
When I tell him how I feel, he acts like he doesn’t care. But he will do things later or the next day to be “nice.” Or maybe it’s stuff he’d do anyway, so perhaps he is just moving on like nothing happened.
Whew I’m really venting. Thank you for asking and helping.

Thanks. You’re right.

Make therapy a requirement or you'll leave him. Perhaps it's time for an ultimatum.

Yeah somethings got to give. I feel like he will crash soon. I think he may be looking into additional medication. He is self medicating with marijuana and it’s never enough no matter how much he does it (constantly). He quit for three weeks and was happy with himself, but started back up again last week—smoking one day, then skipped a day, then back to every day, now back to several times every day.
He takes meds but I found out from talking to the therapist the other day that he should take lithium for his serious symptom. I talked it over with him yesterday, and I heard him listening to a video about medication just now. I didnt want to interrupt him, but will ask him if he is thinking about talking to his doc about adding another med.

Meds typically are not enough. He should also have therapy to accompany the medication.

I agree. My only reservation is that when I was at the hardest things in my therapy, talking about it, digging into it felt very dangerous. I remember thinking that if I wasn’t so in control of myself, I might have come undone. I remember thinking how dangerous it could be for an impulsive person to be in such a triggered state like I found myself in every time I talked about certain things.

Not to assume my husband will be the same way in therapy, and I do believe he wants counseling, he just is in too manic or worked up state to do well with it.

When he didn’t join the session, I believed him that he was not in a good state of mind and that it was better he didn’t attend that day.

Sometimes things are opposite around here.

It turned out to be good he skipped counseling because I was able to give the counselor the lowdown, which led to her saying that he should be on lithium. I told him what she said, and suddenly now he has made drs appts and scheduled group therapy (that was the dr’s choice) and has already done labs. He acts like he is making up for lost time around here in regards to house projects. He is quite irritable, again symptoms. He told me he thinks he has borderline and not bipolar like the dr’s said. He relates to the intense fear of abandonment and fear of being alone. Maybe he thinks counseling will lead to splitting up. Opposite thinking. Or maybe he just wants to improve so a third party won’t need to get involved.

Long story short…it looks like he is seeking the drs opinion about medication to stabilize, and will be shortly after doing group therapy. I think both appts are in December.

From my own personal experience, I lived around dysfunctional parents for 21 years & a dysfunctional husband for another 33 years. Just living around that caused me to be dysfunctional just trying to exist. Honestly it gets old & I left. It took lots of therapy & finally finding people who were functional to be around to learn my functional skills that were hidden inside.
Compassion flies out the window..boundaries can help but their dysfunction always sucks us in & for me, created major depression & anxiety until I finally left & realized those years I struggled with mental illness, it was all situational from a situation I had no control over. It made me into someone I didn't like being, filled with anger & probably hate by that time. For me, my only way to take care of myself was to leave. We all have our own level of tolerance & reasons for it.....but for me it didn't get better because my feelings built on themselves & grew into a monster. It was like dropping a drop of water into a glass. At some point the glass gets full, then that last drop causes it to overflow & no amount of therapy changes those issues that are foundationally causing the problem & why should I tolerate what is intolerable? All questions we can ONLY answer for ourselves & our resolutions will each be individual for what we feel is best for us

Yes, thank you, this makes a lot of sense. It’s exhausting living in dysfunction and chaos. I can’t bear the thought of it still being like this in the future.

When my wife and I first got together, I was sick. I was off my meds (as people usually do when they are on meds, feel a bit better and believe they are not sick in the first place) and acted very strangely and mean. It's a wonder she put up with me. (It's probably because I am so hot and amazing in bed... jk)

I started going to adoption therapy and she decided to join one day. We ended up going for over a year and it really helped us. We were able to get married and although my illness still affects me at times, even on a great cocktail of medication and an awesome doc, we have a happy and supportive life.

That being said, that was the ONLY therapist that actually ever helped me. I have been to many in my days.

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Originally Posted by Cardooney Yes, thank you, this makes a lot of sense. It’s exhausting living in dysfunction and chaos. I can’t bear the thought of it still being like this in the future.

People don't change. I thought the fact that I was leaving would be what made my husband change. It didn't. I left. Still to this day nothing made him change & actually he is worse now & I am divorced from the state I moved to & so thankful I left though I still am having legal battles going on because of the STUPID things he did. I am just thankful I don't have to live around him & that there is 2100 miles between us

I have to agree that people don’t change. I also grew up around dysfunction and have only recently fully realised the extent of it. Like, I knew something was off about my dad (and his parents) while growing up, and thought my mum was ok at least, but now after having counselling I see that certain aspects of her parenting style were toxic. I do have compassion for her, but not as much as I might have, if our relationship had been healthier.
And, as with my mum, with some people it’s difficult or even impossible to have those conversations around expressing anger/hurt in the first place, because they get defensive and shut things down.

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And, as with my mum, with some people it’s difficult or even impossible to have those conversations around expressing anger/hurt in the first place, because they get defensive and shut things down.

Yes, so many get defensive, actually justifying the dysfunction & excusing it away. Problem is that the damage it does doesn't go away until acknowledged & processed & dealt with.

I have been able to talk to my daughter about all the dysfunction she grew up around & it has been good for us....but we don't dwell on it any more. But I needed her to understand why I left her dad because his family made me out as the bad guy (my parents had both died by the time I left). She also needed to understand the dysfunction I had trying to live & how I realized it had effected her. Part of our healing process too. I actually love life now for the last 14 years....first time. So 2nd half of life can be a new beginning

That’s great you had/have a therapist that helped you and your relationship. Therapy is weird in a way, and it took me awhile to feel okay doing it. it definitely helped me in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

Happy and supportive life sounds like a good place to be.

That’s good you’re in a better place today. I hope your legal battles resolve soon.