I dont understand why he had so much contempt towards me

Met on an app not long before the pandemic began. During that time period he was making lots of effort and he stated he's genuinely looking for something serious/a relationship. But I was busy with work and life etc, so didn't put in as much effort. Basically he seemed more intentional and I wasnt. But then not long after I realised I needed to actually try to get to know the guy more as otherwise whats the point of being on an app and I was interested enough to do so. For some reason it just never worked out after that 😐. We never managed to be on the same page. And obviously the pandemic and multiple lockdowns hit and caused problems with regards to being able to actually meet the guy properly.

We kept disconnecting then reconnecting...and usually it would be me initiating. So only at the very beginning he initiated contact. He kept coming out with the same lines i.e he doesnt want to be a pen pal or texting friend because he doesn't have the time and kept asking me what I wanted.

Our most recent interactions :
Last year around September had a video call for the first time, previous to then we'd only seen photos of one another. It went well imo. Spoke for about two hours via video. He was teasing me and flirting. Seemed interested in my life and vice versa. Then asked me when am i going to take him out for a coffee ( i.e asking me out), I responded saying a weekend would be good. There wasnt an actual date set like this saturday/ sunday coming up. I just assumed any weekend would be fine. He said ok I'll come to you, make sure it's not too far down. ( he lives about n hour and a half drive away). Then he said he'll probably come in the evening once he's completed tasks in the day, and asked me how long I can stay out, so from the sounds of it he didn't mind spending a couple of hours or more in my company. After that two hour chat, it just went downhill. Two weekends went by he didn't say anything, neither did I. I was not feeling well the following week so i thought best just wait and other things came up. But I was looking up good places for us to go meanwhile an have coffee. So two and a half weeks after I called to arrange a proper time to meet and he completely ignored my calls and messages. I messaged on WhatsApp saying we should meet, he ignored. I called about four times, the last two calls it seemed like he purposely rejected them. I just thought at that point we'd been speaking for ages, and after not meeting for so long due to all the lockdowns, why not just actually get it done finally. I then texted apologising for the fact we didnt meet straight after our videochat. I just assumed maybe he was annoyed or something. But i explained i wasnt well and a couple other reasons and just said it would be nice to meet finally. Again i just got blanked. Obviously after that I gave up. I tried my best.

Following that, I called after Christmas in Jan. A few months went by and I thought let me see if he gives me some kind of explanation for why he acted that way. See if he picks the phone at least and what hes been doing. I was honestly just curious as he's the one whos brought up meetings himself multiples times, even before the videochat, and when the opportunity presented itself, why did he flake.
It wss pointless in the end as he didnt mention one thing about it, acted totally normal. I was dumb enough to not directly ask him either 🤦*♀️. We spoke normally for two hours, both acted as if everything was good, he asked me what id been upto and that was that. He ended the convo said he had to go and do something for his sister so i assumed he would ring back as he said to give him two minutes. About half n hour later i whatsapped and said you must be busy tc. He didnt call back nor did he open the message i.e left it unread!!!! Two months went by and still it was unread. Strange.

So two months later I call the guy again, don't ask why I bothered. But i wanted to know why he didn't open my whatsapp message. Found it weird. Also thought may bring up us meeting myself as the weather was getting better. But this time would be me rather than him. Of course I didnt get to bring up any of that. Typical. First half an hour he seemed normal with me, told me he ended up with the covid virus so was cooped up at home. Then went onto telling me what was going on in his life Work wise etc. Couple times he asked how comes you called, more than once I'd say. I then said to see how you are a check in, he was like thanks I appreciate it. I thought id be curious and ask if hes still on the app, he said no don't have time too busy, I said well most people i know delete the app if they don't use it or don't have time ( i only asked because i asked another time and he said the exact same thing &#128514. I've forgotten the exact order in what happened next but either he asked me first when am i going to "settle down" or I asked him. But i think it may have been he asked me first when am i going to "settle down”. All i said was when i find someone suitable. He said that makes sense. Then I must have asked him and he said "i have something sorted" or "something in the pipeline". I was a little taken aback. I didn't show it though. I said tell me about it, he said no i haven’t told my friends yet and i don’t want to ruin it. I said pretend im your friend and he kept repeatedly saying no.

I have no idea what came over him after that but intermittently for the rest of the conversation which was another hour he was contemptuous, rude, demeaning, condescending and seemed like he was really angry. Well the anger was like on and off, who knows what was happening. I've never seen him be like that before continuously ( and we've spoken on the phone at least 13 times for hours), I said to him it seems like you hate me or something and he kept saying oh no I dont hate you. 🤔 but his choice of words, tone and attitude certainly suggested otherwise.

First we were talking about how he couldnt hear me that well, and there's a delay, he said I dont know if youre slow or if its your phone/headset. He told me to go on a website so he could show me what headset he uses, he snapped and said why is it taking you so long hurry up. Then he used the phonetic alphabet instead of spelling out the word, i said just spell it out its easier and he said no even my younger 10 yr old brother could do this. After several attempts finally i got wht he was trying to say, he kept insinuating i was stupid basically. It came across like he was attempting to belittle me there.I asked him to buy me the headset ( since he kept complaining about my equipment) he said guess what im not your father. He asked me if I can drive and told me not to ever attempt to as ill probably cause accidents 😳.
Then he asked about my work and wht else ive been upto. He started talking about him giving money to his local charity, one which is in his local area. I asked where it is again, he said hes not going to tell me that. Then he was like i never ask you where youre from, because I don't care. He said he doesn't care a few times after randomly.

It continued. He said he's only speaking to me now because hes trying to help me. 🤔. In other words he was implying there's no other reason he would speak to me other than because he wants to help as if im some charity case. Hes like why do you think i never called you all this time, its because i had better options than you, I've rejected people better than you before. I honestly had no idea why he was saying all this stuff but it wasn't a great experience. I said well you seemed ok before, and he said well i changed my mind. He mentioned the time we were meant to meet and said he changed his mind and its like how you cancel on your friends sometimes. Then he started talking about how as I age and the more i age im going to be worthless and he would never consider me if I came to him i.e to his doorstep in a few years he would close the door on me. How now he wants someone five years younger than him ( im nearer his age).. and he wants to create a legacy and have about 6 children. He wants someone who can help him to expand and be better and elevate him.
Then he asked me why would I want you what can you offer me. I think no matter what i said he would shut it down anyway. I was speechless at his behaviour So i couldn't really fight my corner that well. He just kept repeating he had better and there's better women. He said speaking to me is like a chore and im slow, and the convo doesn't flow. Others have more of a sense of humour and great personalities. So everything which never bothered him before was suddenly bothering him now. I mean if speaking to me was such a chore why could he speak to me for several hours before on the phone. He also told me to shut the f**** up when i tried to defend myself. And said he doesn't like to swear but i keep talking over him. Even though hes alright to talk over me all the time. Then hes like i give him such a headache he could never be with me as speaking to me for one minute gives him a headache.
I forgot to mention he talked about how hypersexualised everything is now because of p**n. I think he was implying he doesn't see me as attractive enough to be with. I'm only assuming. Again he had no issues before, he saw my photos, saw me on video chat etc.
Anyways i was seriously speechless by the end at the treatment id received. He said in between insulting and demeaning me that he does care about me and that's why hes trying to help me. I was seriously puzzled. Then the convo ended with him asking me for a favour to do with his work, i said ill get back to you. He was like tell me a yes or a no in an aggressive tone. So after everything he said he still had the balls to ask me for a favour before telling me he will block after the favour.

Sounds like a totally dysfunctional dude you are better without. Honestly there really is no understanding dysfunctional people because they don't make sense to normal people.

True. That last conversation he was all over the place. One second calling me derogatory names like sl** then the next second saying he cares about me.
He maybe lacks self awareness. Doesnt realise how crazy he was coming across

Do yourself a favor, don’t not interact with this guy again, he is a jerk

Yes I’d delete his number, he obviously wasn’t interested seriously in you but there was no need to talk to you like that. If anyone talks to you like that again please don’t hang around, end the call straight away. No way of knowing why he’s like that but it wasn’t your fault.

Block him. He isn’t interested but instead of being polite about it, he plays games and being nasty.

What a rude jerk.

In the future when you meet a guy know that if he was interested he’d arrange a specific date and time and make it happen. Saying “oh let’s meet up and I might go here and there some weekends” and not set up specific date is a clear sign that he’s not interested but isn’t honest enough to spell it out. If you have to always call and initiate, it’s not a good sign. You even apologized for not meeting him even though he never even set up a date. Why are you apologizing. It’s not like you didn’t show up. There was no date to show up to.

After first conversation shortly after meeting online if a date doesn’t happen, move on. “Bye”.

But the most ironic thing about it is..the whole time it was him saying he doesn't want to be a penpal. Insinuating im treating him as a pen pal.
From the beginning he asked me to meet him a minimum of 6 times. But either due to the pandemic or various other reasons i didn't say yes or didnt follow up on what he was saying.

He kept repeating he wants to settle down etc. I didn't once mention those terms about settling down it was him

When it came to the time we had a video call, yet again it was him who brought up us meeting not me.
I only apologised because he told me to find a place ( coffee shop) as he was going to come to me and he's about an hour away. So essentially it wss upto me to pick a place.
He asked me how long i can stay out for, if i have a curfew etc.. asides from all that he was extra flirty and showed tonnes of interest.
At the end of the call he said we've finally broken the ice as it was the first time we'd seen each other via videochat. As previously it was only phonecalls.
I took about two and a half weeks, nearly three weeks to get back to him, only because I'd be come a little busy after our call, was ill aswell for a few days.
When i eventually called he purposely cut my calls short. As in they went to voicemail after a few rings.

I lot of people,who are not ready for a relationship are on those apps.They are not sure what they want.This particular guy sounds very immature and uncertain.His behaviour towards you is uncalled for. How old is this guy?

Hes 31 years old 😳.
Thats the thing he always kept telling me he's looking for something serious and looking to settle down. And he always implied i was using him a "texting buddy"...as some people do online i guess. He said not that long ago he doesn't have time for that etc.
He's very hot and cold.
I dunno if its insecurity or what

If a guy doesn't contact you and gives you the silent treatment, it means they are not interested. You should have moved on. The fact that you kept chasing him and apologising(?!) only served to inflate his ego.

Also, while he was disrespecting you on the phone you should have hung up. He might, again, have seen weakness/neediness because you were still willing to take it. The fact you stayed on the line and kept trying to engage and reach out to him gave him permission to continue acting like a jerk.

I didn't put in the whole story on here.
But basically when we first matched i didnt show much interest in him. He actually pursued me...for whatever reason i was busy at that point in time. He kept repeating the fact he doesn't want to be a texting pen pal anyway thereafter he mentioned us meeting up multiple times. But it didnt happen because of the pandemicm etc. He was fine meeting during the pandemic whereas i wasnt.
So anyway given the history when we finally had a videocall and he asked to meet again and asked me when id be free for coffee, i thought unlike the other times i would actually put in some effort this time and try to meet. I only apologised because of how he asked to meet lots of times in the past and i didnt really do anything about it, but that time (videochat) a few weeks went past because unfortunately things came up and i also wasnt well. So i apologised in a text and called him. But he dismissed me.

This guy is a total a-hole given that most recent conversation. You did chase him though and did not take the hint that he wasn’t interested. That’s no excuse for how he treated you though. Very cruel on his part and completely unwarranted. He sounds like a mean person who has serious issues.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bananamist5 But the most ironic thing about it is..the whole time it was him saying he doesn't want to be a penpal. Insinuating im treating him as a pen pal. From the beginning he asked me to meet him a minimum of 6 times. But either due to the pandemic or various other reasons i didn't say yes or didnt follow up on what he was saying. He kept repeating he wants to settle down etc. I didn't once mention those terms about settling down it was him When it came to the time we had a video call, yet again it was him who brought up us meeting not me. I only apologised because he told me to find a place ( coffee shop) as he was going to come to me and he's about an hour away. So essentially it wss upto me to pick a place. He asked me how long i can stay out for, if i have a curfew etc.. asides from all that he was extra flirty and showed tonnes of interest. At the end of the call he said we've finally broken the ice as it was the first time we'd seen each other via videochat. As previously it was only phonecalls. I took about two and a half weeks, nearly three weeks to get back to him, only because I'd be come a little busy after our call, was ill aswell for a few days. When i eventually called he purposely cut my calls short. As in they went to voicemail after a few rings.

Actions speak louder than words. ALWAYS observe actions as a priority especially if they contradict their words

Yeah hes definitely got some kind of issue or problem or else why be so hot and then cold. If its not clinical its something else

How did he chase you if you two have never even met? You can’t go by what people say. Go by their actions. He says a lot of things but does nothing. Stop contacting him and chasing him. And it’s been years. He only initiated in the beginning. After that he showed zero interest but you keep going after him while he continued being disinterested and rude about it.. Move on. No need to analyze him. Focus on figuring out why you wanted to keep going after him. Be more careful next time

Well i did nothing either. He wanted to meet and said so multiple times, but I couldn't, part from after the video call.
I cant rehash every single conversation by text and call but he did show a lot of interest.

Our phone conversations would be minimum 2 to 3 hours long. All of them.

I didn't chase him. I called him twice on separate occasions. Previous to that he is the one who kept talking about being serious and wanting to settle down. I didnt use those words once. He always implied that i wasnt coming across as a serious person and saying im using him as a texting buddy etc.

I just went by what you shared that you were the one initiating but ok you didn’t chase him but you don’t even know him, never met so It’s not worth your time. You’ll never have an answer why he does what he does. We can only analyze our own behaviors, not other people’s. Especially strangers. Phone conversations mean nothing. Apparently after all these long talks it didn’t help you to figure him or his intentions out as he turned out to be nasty and disrespectful. Words mean nothing. He wants to settle down? He doesn’t even know you. You can’t believe everything people say. It’s a waste of time talking to strangers for hours, at the end they turn out to be not who you thought they were. Like this guy.

It’s a blessing you two have never met. You sure don’t need the kind of guys

There is no doubt that his behaviour is very inappropriate towards the end,but according to your post he was interested in the beginning, you were skeptical. After a while you were interested, by then it looks like he moved on maybe. It looks like the relationship lacked proper communication. Once he suggested to meet for coffee, you took three weeks to reply,for some reason( you mentioned in your post).Did you communicate during this period about how you are planning your coffee date and when to him.I would be upset if someone is silent for three weeks after a mutual agreement on a date.I would tell the guy if I am busy or came down with flu or any other reason..of course I wouldn't behave like him ..In your original post,it looks like you made a lot of assumptions too.Sometimes it is better to express verbally rather than just assuming. Like when guy said when are you taking me to coffee, maybe he was expecting you to set up a date and place.Just I am putting my thoughts out there.Not blaming you or anything.

Re-read your original post. When you were supposed to get together, he ignored your calls. You said you called him four times, and he ignored. Then you contacted him again, then again a few months later. He's a jerk, yes, but you chased him when he did not show interest.

Vidoechat in September, he asks you to plan a coffee date, you take several weeks to do that, he doesn't take your calls. He takes your call in January, you chat but didn't give details about a coffee date. He makes an excuse to end the call. You message him, and he doesn't read it and 2 months later you call him again. You chat, he tells you he's changed his mind about things and eventually he starts saying unpleasant things and treating you poorly. Do you see any social signs in this situation that indicate you have a genuine interest in meeting a man who is looking for a serious relationship?

Only he can answer the question about why he behaved the way he did. It wasn't the mature way to behave. I would let him go and not contact him.

I'm curious to know how old you are that he would ask about you having a curfew. Most adults don't have a curfew.

I think the guy has moved on after she didn't set up a coffee meet.He took that as disinterest to take this relationship forward,more than a phone rant buddy thing on her part.It does look like he had genuine interest in her.She mentioned he said so multiple times.It started prepandamic, so my guess is now been 2-3 years.I mean it does look like a phone pal relationship, as they chatted for hours 13 times.Guy was hinting her to take it forward though.They chatted hours before,and it sounds like all chats except the last one went well.If guy was arrogant since the beginning, then the question arises why OP would continue to talk for years.The guy went bollocks as he assumed OP was just using him for phone rant.Seriously,if you ask me,tell me if this relationship was something else other than a phone rant,which he mentioned many times he was not interested. He may be plodding along in the hopes of meeting for real which didn't happen anyways.That is when he stopped responding to calls.Op should have understood those cues.Like I said before miscommunication seems to be culprit here.

Here is a clue you might want to think about from a guy I dated a few times in college. We didn't have the same values so it was a mutual decision to go separate ways.....but our last conversation was about how he broke up with girls who didn't see it as mutual. Guys (& women) can use this strategy when they have decided not what I want but the other person hasn't gotten the message yet from just plain actions between them.

He told me many times he would just make the girl mad at him & then she is the one who wants to break up. His reason was that it saved a lot of emotional behavior out of the girl since at that point it was her idea. That always stuck with me because I was into observing behavior & could see it in other relationships I was observing. Maybe a rather dysfunctional way of doing it....but his logic was sound (for either party)

Yep, that can be true.But in this particular case OP was disinterested in the guy in the beginning, she said so.But the guy actively persuaded her. There is another angle to this.When matched on the apps,people have multiple options to choose from.I mean one can't date every one that are matched by app.May be OP was in the vetting process.She said later she wanted to try this guy anyways.Was he the better one out of all that matched ?I wonder why OP changed her mind and wanted to check this guy out later? I mean there is nothing wrong in looking for better options.But was she just tagging this guy along with out having a genuine interest,like just in case ? That is why she didn't take it further.In my opinion, apart from that awful last episode,the guy seems to be more genuine in what he wants or not and did tell OP upfront.If a guy is hoping to make a serious relationship and comes to know that the woman is looking for better guys .OP can't complain if the guy does the same, which he actually said in a rude way,that he has better options.Does a gal expect a man to tag along for another 3 years ?In years it went no where in the above case.We do not know why that guy exploded.May be there are more details to this that we are not aware of.IMO.I am not in anyway excusing his behaviour.
And I have seen some gals play hide and seek with men who show genuine interest to make them crave more.So that they will do anything for the girl to gain their attention.Sometimes these tactics may backfire for gals.

True. He repeatedly didn’t pick up the phone and didn’t answer to any messages. It had to be a clear sign that he isn’t interested and that it’s time to move on. Saying that he was the one doing the chasing is very erroneous. It is not how it works. If people don’t respond, they are not interested, it’s unwise to keep pushing. It’s not excusing his rude behavior when he finally picked up the phone of course. He should have just texted that he isn’t interested and perhaps block OP as she just kept calling him. No need to be rude over the phone