I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

@willowtigger, awwwwwww, thank you. Blushing. Hehe.

Ugh! I have to stop picking up the phone now.. he has started calling me instead of texting me. He gets me on the phone, and says things like, I just want to say one thing. And then he goes into a diatribe about us and how sorry he is that he insulted me in our fights. He is trying to make amends, and I hate him! I despise him! He has stolen five years of my life from me and I resent him for all that he has done to me. I am still angry. I am not healed. I am in recovery.

Last night I went off on him after one such phone call. I wrote that contact needs to be minimal now. And I got angry, listing all the things he has done to me in the past five years. I told him that his apology is less important than never doing it at all in the first place.

He's like a parasite that I cannot get rid of - they force you to do drastic things in order to get them out of your life. He has no respect and no regard for my personal happiness and space, and I know this.

I am not picking up the phone when he calls. He can text me, and I will take my time in replying.

Don’t answer the phone. And it’s better to have things in writing anyways

He's realised what a amazing person you are, Have Hope, but that ship has sailed and it's not called the Titanic

Change his name on your phone to "turdface ex, do not answer"

Or change his name on your phone to "the flea" cause fleas are also parasites

Yes, it is better to have all in writing. I told him to stop calling me and to only text me from now on.

LOL.

I told him I will not pick up the phone and that I am very angry with him over how he's treated me throughout the whole marriage. Then I said I refuse to continue discussing anything about our relationship.

So, what does he do? He texts back, trying to argue the point with me, listing all the positive things between us and all the good memories and good times.

He has NO respect for anything I say and ask of him.

Don’t tell him to stop calling or engage in listing things he did wrong. It only encourages him to keep it going. Don’t answer the phone and only answer texts about divorce. Don’t make announcements what you are going to do or what he should or shouldn’t do. It only encourages him to twist it that you are the one bringing up how he did things wrong and he’s just defending himself. Or saying he’s just responding to your texts. Just get off the crazy train

Willowtigger is hilarious! And has good ideas!

Divine gave the perfect concise advice:

Just get off the crazy train

The best thing to do is get off the crazy train. His continued attempts to explain, beg, point out happy times, fun memories... its one way to have control over your thoughts. He's using your sensitivity, compassion and heartstrings against you.

Disengage. Get off the crazy train and only look forward. The past is over and you can look back at it later, when you are back in full control of your reactions. Angry reactions to his behavior are a signal to him that he still has some control.

Yup. Disengage. Purely business at this point. Stop arguing. Stop trying to make your case. If it isn’t specific to the divorce proceedings, do not respond. It just feeds the problem. As hard as it is, do not react or respond to anything else.

I didn’t reply at all to his argument that things were also good between us. I just carried on only about business related details, so I’m trying hard not to engage in the argument and to get off the crazy train.

Have Hope deserves much better than him, can you change his name on your phone to a picture?

Change it to the poop emoji

I changed his first name to NARC. LOL. This will always remind me of the fact that he is NPD and poison for me.

Narc Poopyface maybe, Have Hope?

That's not quite what will do it for me, but thanks for the suggestions! I like NARC since it will be a constant reminder to me, especially when he's being super nice, that it's all a lie and a manipulation.

What about narc pinocchio?

I input "NARC POISON".

I think this is helpful - you are right it will be right in your face every time he texts you, whether he's trying to be smoochy and rainbows or whether he's turned the tables.

I know there's no official "diagnosis" but frankly from all I've read I'd be shocked if he wasn't one. I think it's a true personality disorder and as we all know, not curable, can only be made barely tolerable even if the person puts in a huge amount of work to overcome it (in the past he's done enough to keep you off his back)

EXACTLY.

And yes... I am 100% convinced he has NPD. Everything he says and does points to this. Even when my own father was dying, he would turn the conversation around to himself. That's just one of 1,000 examples of his behavior that all point to NPD. I read that NPD individuals actually have a part of their brain that is missing, or never was developed.

I told him yesterday with regards to his sick mother that I am no longer "that person" for him. Well, she died last night. I called him this morning to express my condolences, and I all I got was his hostility. WOW. Just WOW.

He's hostile because I don't want to be with him and told him I cannot be his support through his mother's passing, and all because he has mistreated me, and HE'S hostile towards ME.

Unbelievable.

I can never be enough for him.... never. And I can never do anything right in his mind. I am a bad person for leaving him during his time of need, in his perspective. How dare I do that?

Of course, as usual, it's all about HIM, what HE wants and what HE needs - how I feel does NOT matter to him at all.

It proves what a scumturd he is as a person, Have Hope

I reckon if you'd gone back to him, his mum would of mysteriously made a full recovery, I suspect his mother probably wasn't actually sick it's probably another life, not sure how it works there but could you find out from births marriages deaths place if she actually did pass away?

Could just be my own suspiciousness though

She actually did pass away. He and his brother posted on Facebook about. it.

And yes, he is a scumturd.