I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

Hi, HaveHope, I wasn't here on the forum for a lot of this . But I've read through, and have a few more comments to add.

My responses might not be in the order the original posts fell in; please bear with me.

Knowing you as well as I do, now, I know that your upbringing and your hopes for how people will respond to you is very similar to the way I was raised. That is, be kind, do good..."and it will all come back to you.". Forgiving people for their little human imperfections comes very naturally to people like you and me. What you have GOT to understand is that, unlike you and I, an awful lot of people have very different ideas about how to treat, or mistreat, other people. And they even have hidden agendas which can be extremely self-serving, and have absolutely nothing to do with building trust, or enjoying the beauties a friendship can bring.

There are an awful lot of users in the world.

You are so good-natured and open and willing to give everyone a chance. But at some point, this could turn into an Achilles heel for you---we can be TOO kind, TOO empathetic, and we so often expect others to snap out of their bad behaviour, and change over from the dark side. This is, however, very seldom the case.

I had to learn to be excessively selective about who I opened up to, and when. I used to be such an open book. Until I repeatedly got used and wounded. In my experiences, every kind gesture I extended towards them was rewarded, without exception, with slashing cuts at me. There was no way these relationships could end on a friendly note. They simply wouldn't allow it.

It is best, right now, to be wary of people, because I also believe that 'wolves' (the human kind, of both sexes) can smell vulnerability from a mile away. You are very vulnerable---I can see you in my own self, years ago---and I know that two things can come of only seeing the best in people, and giving off that vulnerability. It will either drive people miles away, or you will attract 'wolves'.

I read something wonderful the other day. I don't know whether it is an Eastern mystical idea, or from some form of Hinduism, but it urged folks to embrace their aloneness, and not to fear it. Celebrate your newfound aloneness! Take moments to read that book you've put off for so long. Definitely sleep-in when you get a chance. Fuss over your kitty. Waste time on youtube. Just tap into your own channel for awhile. You spent so long trying to dance around your husband's strange behaviour that you've forgotten how to relax. You might still be a little addicted to the chaos. I know I was.

I do think that changing the locks would be a prudent move. Borrow the money from your mother if you have to. And do not give him any more excuses to be let back in. Start really wrapping it up.; i.e., Get ALL of your things out of here now or they are going to the charity shop. Period. And definitely, No More Arguing. They LOVE to read the inevitable disappointment and sadness in our eyes.

Narcissists alternate between their charm offensives, being wheedling and needing attention, then projecting their ugliness and sins onto us, and refusing to own up for rotten behaviour (that no six-year old child would be allowed to get away with): and finally, hating us profusely. Mine ultimately despised me for BEING KIND!! So, do not give this person another SECOND of your time! You have to understand how he has robbed you---of time, of love, of the respect you're due, and of chances to be happy.

You must learn to love yourself enough to resent him, fully and without forgiveness, I'm afraid. Otherwise, you will stay stuck.

I agree with all the other helpful suggestions people have made. There is a wealth of experience here for you to draw on. I suggest you periodically go back through and read all the replies. Some things can bear repeating, especially when we find ourselves a little bit lost at sea.

Sent with great compassion and love, and wishes for calm for you....MG

Oh, and P.S.: That line he shot at you about, "not being able to control himself" when he is emotional or turns angry...Those words are VERBATIM what my own sister said when she let her mask slip for two seconds (and very close to the hints that two other personal narcs dropped) when they were simultaneously hating on me, and yet attempting to terrify me into not leaving.

It's one of the dead giveaways. THEY have to do the discarding, NOT you! It's so pathological, it makes my head hurt!

Please, stay cool headed, and keep your wits about you.

This is simply an addendum to a post I made earlier regarding music/singing.

Another possible musical option could be meetups for Karaoke. I realize doing Karaoke is not to everyone's taste. But if you want to wet your chops with singing around others, could be a good safe starting place, and a place to meet others.

Or buy your own karaoke machine or a karaoke app for your phone or laptop to have fun with singing at home. You can cast the lyrics to your TV so you can dance or move about while reading the lyrics on a big screen. Although, if you desire the social aspect of going to a karaoke place with people that you will eventually get to know, join a meetup. Great way to build a new social circle doing something you love.

I know you already are aware of many of the points I made. I just feel very protective of you, as I'm sure many of us do.

He might be waiting for a length of time until he can find an excuse to swan back in, and parade his new "supply" in front of you. That would be textbook. Be prepared for it.

Sending hugggs!

Wonderful! I love the group idea. The more you learn, and the more you understand that it's not just "you", the faster healing will begin, and the stronger you will be.

These people are so adept at taking advantage of our best qualities, and snowing us under in the process. We become a bit blind to other possibilities while we're in the middle of things. You may be a bit co-dependent, but you were also very much in love, and you do have a wonderful, caring nature.

I think you did the best you could do, under the circumstances. Because as soon as you recognized his patterns, you were willing to think of things in a completely different way. And you've taken steps to protect yourself, and start a healthier way forward.

Congratulations on being so willing to admit to different aspects of all of it. This is a very positive way to be.

You may be a bit co-dependent, but you were also very much in love, and you do have a wonderful, caring nature.

This is emotional blackmail, which is trying to cause emotional pain if you don't do what he wants. Grey rocking and referral to doctor/therapist is a good plan.

If he says he is in imminent danger of hurting himself or others, such as saying that right now he has a plan and the means and he is going to attempt, you could call the police.

If he says he is in imminent danger of hurting himself or others, such as saying that right now he has a plan and the means and he is going to attempt, you could call the police.

Exactly what Bill3 said. He wants to continue renting that space in your head that he's never paid for. He wants to stir you to act, somehow.

Emotional blackmail is never okay. It is more manipulation, and pretty cruel and thoughtless, considering he knows very well what has happened in your life.

Keep a journal of this stuff! Times and dates.

Threaten legal action if he breaks the 'no contact' again. Watch him snap-to real fast.

Sounds like (if he's not busy) he's playing mind games, same as your ex is

Have Hope deserves better

So, I heard from him last night. He broke no contact and our 5-day silence.