I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

“Abandoned” lol one can only abandon defenseless creatures who cannot fend for themselves. Pets, children… And sadly these things happen. For him to state that he, a grown man, is being abandoned is ridiculous. You aren’t his mother.

You most certainly are and have been too nice with him and other men. But it’s not much you could do about it right this point, maybe just pack his boxes and put them outside. But again it might not be worth the hassle. Won’t make a difference except maybe you won’t have to listen to him but again he might go on and on about why boxes are outside

I just hope you stop being too nice with men in general starting today.

He wants me to be his mother! That's exactly what he's looking for - a mother and a sugar mama to support him financially too.

No more. Not me.

I am working on finding my protective self that will help me to create stronger & healthier boundaries with all people, but especially with men. I want and need to protect my energy better.

I don't think it's worth the hassle to box up his stuff. Many things are breakables and need to be individually bubble wrapped and carefully so that they don't break. I don't want that responsibility and it's too much work. He can do it himself. It's his things.

I found out through my personal experiences that staying busy and getting involved in healthy activities helps. Sometimes we get with wrong people out of boredom and loneliness. Stay the course. I found that women groups and having women friends to hang out with was a G_d’s gift for me.

I am actually making some new friends, just by going to see bands by myself that I like and where I know he won't go. It's great!!!! I am very happy to be making new positive friendships and to be strengthening older friendships too.

Then if his stuff breaks cause he didnt pack it properly, its his fault

Just my opinion, but I too think you were being far too kind. That said, you seem to behave the way that is best for you, and that is perfectly OK. You need to do what is best for you and I think you are finally prioritizing yourself and what is important to you.

Others will find a way to accept your choices eventually. If they don't, perhaps they are getting what they deserve for the damage they caused.

Thank you for the validation.

I am doing what I think is best for me, and I am prioritizing myself, for sure. He just lost his mother, so I want to exit in a kind manner at the moment. I feel its best. But when he pushes me too far, that's where I draw the line.

I am worked up right now.

Yesterday he tells me that our therapist "told him things" about me.

So, I wrote to the therapist, saying this is a breach of patient confidentiality, if so, and if not, then my husband is lying.

The therapist wrote back, saying it wasn't out of the context of our couples sessions, and only his observations.

So I bluntly told him that my husband is an abusive narcissist, of which he is UNAWARE, & that my husband charmed him and manipulated him to think that I was at fault for all our issues and that there's something wrong with ME, then I told him that I never felt validated in my experience of the abuse and that's why I quit therapy!

I am glad I confronted him and I am glad I was honest with my perception of him. AND, IF he did breach patient confidentiality, I could report him. I didn't tell him this part though.

OR, my husband is just trying to upset me by saying that, and make me paranoid about what the therapist is saying to him.

And to tell me I've abandoned him during a crisis with his mother? I said, what was I going to do? Pretend that I love you and live a lie????? NO. I told him there is no right time for a divorce.

Then, naturally, my husband is all nicey nice later on that evening, saying "have a good night".

It's a roller coaster with him! It's the crazy train, and I hate it. I will learn gray rock method so that he can't get me to react.

I know I probably AM being too kind, but a large part of me feels it's not right to pack his things and leave them outside. And, I know I would get yelled at for it too.

I told him not to come over today and that I need a break from seeing him. He was here both on Sat & Sun, and perhaps even Friday. I definitely need my space.

I unfriended each of his friends and family members from my Facebook yesterday, along with him.

Yay Have Hope

Just to interject: what kind of therapist is that?

A couples' therapist cannot share information about one partner without said partner's consent. ANY information disclosed ought to be transparent i.e. BOTH partners are aware of what is being revealed.

Certainly not supposedly objective information (his 'observations') about one partner to the other BEHIND THE PARTNER'S BACK. His explanation is rubbish. That is not ethical.

Maybe there are ways to further avoid even starting to speak with him?

Yes, I think he’s unethical. That is of course if my husband is telling the truth.

I think he was lying

Watch for smoke coming out of his trousers cause he's that much of a liar that his underpants are on fire

At the very least he probably exaggerated.

i think its very likely his underpants are on fire, which is where the smoke is coming from out of his trousers

I think the most likely of these 2 options is that your husband is lying. An exaggeration is a form of lying when it's used to harm. Clearly he knows how to harm you and push your buttons to get a reaction.

I'm not saying it couldn't be an ethics issue but I can picture a therapist trying to counter his perspective with a casual observation (I think your wife would see things differently than you do) and an abusive person would spin that to try to get a reaction so his cycle of abuse can co tinie.

Yeah, I agree with you. He’s trying anything and everything to still abuse me.

This is so nonsensical. So you are pretty terrible according to him. Don’t help him with mom dying, don’t acknowledge what good things you two had, you drink and now therapist shared something bad. Well normal reaction to your announcement of divorce would be “what a good idea. Let’s get it over with”.

Instead he went on how much he loves you and how great things are and don’t leave me.

All at the same time saying how horrible you are. So you are either wonderful and he’s upset to lose you or you are terrible and he should be glad you left.

He makes no sense. Which one is it???

I am wondering if he has some emotional unstable personality disorder as well, with the whole "your a terrible person" in one moment then "don't leave me" the next?

He tries to manipulate Hope first saying how great she is but then when that doesn’t work he switches it around. It’s manipulation. He’s also a liar. Says one thing to her face but then texts his friends how she’s terrible and treats him bad.

I'm his chosen punching bag, but then he says he loves me. He's trying to beat me up emotionally and break my self esteem. This is all very common for an abuser. It's not either or... I am both terrible, horrible, unloved and loved all at the same time.

I was so upset after Sunday's interactions with him that I barely slept a wink Sunday night. I told my boss I need Monday off due to "divorce crap", so I took the day off to rest and recuperate.

Now I have to fill in my boss about why I needed the day off.... I do not know what to tell him?

I have taken several days off through Aug, Sept and Oct. Even though I've earned the time off and it's my right to use those days, I feel guilty and worry about them letting me go if I have too many personal problems interfering with work, which I have had. It's my own fears at play here.

As it is, I barely slept last night too and had a terrible night's sleep filled with nightmares. I kept waking up every hour practically, thinking it was time to get up. I woke up in a sweat a LOT.