I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

100%!

Have Hope deserves lots and lots of loves ❤️

Thank you @willowtigger!

Or, he just legitimately butt dialed and perhaps you’re assuming he is mad at you but he isn’t. Who know?

You are engaging in drama with him. If you already feel like he’s manipulating you, do not engage. Response just keeps the drama going. Avoid repeating the pattern of engaging with men who are, or who you expect are, manipulating you.

No, I am not incorrectly assuming. An acquaintance just confirmed that my old college friend believes that we are more than just friends. I have NO understanding of HOW in the WORLD he could think this - because I have given ZERO indication that I am interested! He is yet another predator, preying on my vulnerability and now it's all my fault. Of course!!!!! I am to blame for HIS misunderstanding!

I just told him off and blocked him. I am no longer going to that place on Wed nights - and ALL because of HIM! What a total a-hole - he ruined it for me.

I think he probably had some wishful thinking and incorrectly assumed things.

I think you are very trusting and a bit too nice. It’s ok to meet new people or reconnect with old ones but give it some time to develop into friendships or anything else. Don’t overshare right away or hang out excessively. I am in my 50s too and if I ran into college classmate I’d not be telling him about having legal fees or any other kind of personal troubles. He has zero needs to know. Why’s he privy of all this. Some jerks do prey on vulnerable women and want to be saviors. You meet him and right away he finds out you are having all kind of issues. He jumps on his white horse assuming things. Some men incorrectly assume that women share their troubles because they want men to fix it. Is it your fault he’s an idiot? No. But protect your heart and soul. Don’t jump all in into these entanglements

As about texting him. I am known to be paranoid about people not replying because I imagine horrible scenarios and sadly it’s known to happen. But that’s in case of my elderly dad. Or my husband. Or my daughter. I even get it becoming irritated with someone I am old friends with who doesn’t reply. But not some dude you went to college many years ago and nor run into in the bar. Who cares if he didn’t reply in the morning. I’d not be texting him more than once.

I’d not stop going to venues you like. Just don’t sit by him. And I don’t think it matters where you meet people. You can meet a serial killer in a church and a nice guy in a bar. There are no rules. But generally speaking bar scene might not be the best place to meet people for serious deep connection. It sounds like these are bars with live music rather than actual concert venues. Again not wrong. Just be more discerning who you meet there and who become your friends or dates.

Also substance abuse and bars go hand to hand. People you meet there might be a bit boozers and stoners so their judgement is likely off. I doubt they go there to drink tea and hot chocolate and enjoy sober company and have a conversation with substance. I might be wrong of course but I doubt it

Glad you done with the guy. Keep being careful who you associate with

Thanks, divine.

I blocked him. What's done is done. He refused to answer my texts, was rude and inconsiderate and acting like a spoiled baby, so he gets blocked.

I'm going to stop going to this one music venue for a while. I don't need the drama or the tension, and he created it all. He must have had some sort of fantasy going on. How delusional. I made no hint that I was interested.

And I have a different viewpoint on sharing information. I am going through a divorce with an abusive narcissist, and it's all very trying and exhausting. I need support from people, so I share what's going on. I don't see what's wrong with that. It's what's happening in my life, and he IS an old college friend, whom I thought I could confide in. But no.... he had to misinterpret everything. I've had strong boundaries with him otherwise since day 1. What jerk he is.

I will be careful, nonetheless, with whom I speak and about what.

Oh, and this music venue is in fact a venue - it has a bar, but the main attraction is live music every night.

I am still reeling from yesterday's events with my so-called college friend. He had no right acting the way he did - like a spoiled child who doesn't get their way and pouts. He is being passive aggressive by not replying to any of my texts, and I am 99.9999% certain he saw each one of them since he does not work.

What an a-hole! I am bitter now. Bitter that I even ran into him again or tried to be friends with him. And bitter that this is what I get once I am single again - a predator preying on my vulnerability. And, that's exactly how I view him and this situation. He preyed on me, by telling me that I need to feel safe around men again. He wanted to be that safe haven for me - and I thought AS A FRIEND ONLY. WTF. I would never pounce on a male who is just newly separated and going through the beginning stages of divorce - I would steer clear. So that is wy this is predatorial to me and opportunistic. He seized an opportunity to pounce.

I'm truly soured by this experience.

So then you are lucky to have us to warn you about these things!

YES!!!!! I am very lucky!!!!

Tonight I feel like I never should have let him talk me into being with him again after his little affair that he had. I mean, honestly, that hurt like nothing else before, and I was beyond enraged with him. He made love to ME, telling me how much he loves me, etc, and then the very next day is texting HER, saying that he's thinking of her, and then he tells her "see you in my dreams"! And I went back to him after that???? The shame I feel is UNREAL right now - I feel SO ashamed of myself for being SO weak and SO impressionable, as my father used to put it. I was so foolish - how could I have forgiven him for one of the worst betrayals anyone's ever done to me? I was stupid and foolish.

None of it makes me you foolish. He tricked you. That’s how. Gave you bogus reasons why he did that, messed with your head. No reason to feel shame. Also as I recall you weren’t in a good shape health wise (hospital, covid etc) when you took him in, it is not unusual to be vulnerable at times like this. He’s very manipulative

Thanks, divine.

That helps me to feel much better. I needed to hear this right now.

I have been on the dating scene for 20 years (uck, ick, horrible), and the majority of the men I have met........it seems they have a pattern love-bombing..you are so beautiful, blah blah blah,and then they disappear....I sure didn't want to be alone at 70, but this is ridiculous. Didn't want to make this about me.....but letting you know what is out there. I am sorry.....The shame belongs to that guy, NOT to you.......I usually ask myself......is this HIS stuff or MY stuff; usually HIS stuff/problem. I like the saying "Don't let anyone steal your joy"---That is hard sometimes, I know.

Yeah... I am not looking forward to being in the dating pool again. Not one bit. I wish I could still be married, but not to my husband.

And thanks so much. You're right - HE should be ashamed of himself, not me.

I have so many thoughts going on that it's hard sometimes to be happy. He is stealing my joy because of all the negative thoughts & feelings I have towards him and then also towards myself. I have put up with far too much from him. He sucked me DRY. Now, I need to recover and find my joy again.

Focus on yourself, have hope ❤️

I'm trying...

This was posted on my Divorce a narc Facebook group - it really hits home for me:

"Remember in the moments they are suddenly “nice” again and you question your own judgement…
They live in an alternate reality of their own creation. In that reality they are perfect and everyone else is evil and deserves to be used as a tool for their own ends. They are always a victim. The lies they tell are not lies to them, but they are spoken as their truth. They have no conscience and all means are justified to achieve their ends, which in their minds are virtuous and just. They are like sharks, eating anyone they encounter because it is what they do. There is no thought behind it, no strategy, only an unquenchable thirst to control and then destroy.
They are incapable of true remorse. They may show you that behavior as a tactic, but it is only get get you into their jaws.
And after they tear you apart, they will move on to the next victim without a thought for you, unless your remains show a sign of life, in which case they will attack again.
They are a blight upon the earth."

Ugh - so my Sat night basically got ruined. A local girlfriend was supposed to go with me to a concert. She found out that her ex, who had physically beaten her, was going, so she had to back out the day of. So, I went alone.

I met a couple there, who kind of took me under their wing and let me stand in front of them up front near the stage. However, the woman kept touching my shoulders and pawing after me. She was very sweet and kind and kept making sure I could see the band because I am short, but the constant touching after a while started to get to me. So, I told her I was going outside for a smoke and to the bathroom, and I ended up instead deciding to leave. After my smoke, I stood in the back for a minute, but felt really lonely, so I left the show early.

I drove home feeling pretty bummed out - bummed that my friend couldn't make it, I felt badly for ditching the group I met, and I was bummed that I felt I had to leave early.

Then this morning I told myself not to feel guilty for ditching that group - I didn't know them and will probably never see them again. And she was pawing at me all night. I did allow her to buy me a drink - she had offered, so I felt a little bad for not at least saying goodbye.

I wish my girlfriend could have joined me - I was really wanting company last night. I stayed in by myself Fri night and was craving some company. And of course, I was missing my husband too because we used to go to concerts together all the time and he was my concert going buddy. Ugh ugh ugh. At least I got out and was brave enough to go for a while - one positive.

Keeping a journal of all of your feelings might help. You can read it years later and realize how far you came.

It’s nice that you to go and enjoy the music for awhile.

Why would this woman buy you drinks? You’ve just met her. I wonder if she thought you accepting the drink entitled her to some touching.

I know you said these are all hippies and just spread the love. And it’s fine if it’s causing you comfort. But it’s just causing you stress. That couple driving you around, the guy who felt entitled to be your boyfriend, now this woman buying drinks and touching. There has to be some middle ground and some boundaries so you could be comfortable. Not so uncomfortable you have to leave or avoid venues

It seems like these people keep taking you under their wing (how weird, do they think grown woman can’t have a good time without someone taking care of her?) because people in general are uncomfortable seeing a woman alone. People are expected to be coupled. How stupid and outdated.

I was in some ridiculous situations when people questioned me being alone and insisted I must joined others. One time funeral director was up in arms that I was going to drive from funeral home to a cemetery in my own car and should i drive with some family. I spent 5 minutes trying to convince him that it’s inconvenient and unreasonable for me to leave my car behind riding with people. He was like but you are alone. It’s ok. It’s a funeral!!!!

One time someone questioned me why I was alone at Friday night service at a temple. Was I suppose to bring a date??? She wanted me to sit with them because I sat alone in a pew. This isn’t a dance party! I am entitled to sit alone.

Most people mean well. But overall our society still think of women as helpless creatures who can’t be places alone and must have someone accompany them. Or that women can’t enjoy their own company so they should never be alone. So everyone needs to jump in and save poor lonely woman. That’s literally my pet peeve

I do keep a journal - and I write on here as sort of my journal too. I want to re-read this thread one day, because it's packed full of great advice and words of wisdom, including from yourself.

I didn't ask her for a drink either - she turned to me, saw my bottle was empty and offered to get me one. She was touching me before that, too.

The hippie culture - it's a very community oriented culture, so people want to naturally include others. So I think it's a natural inclination within this culture to want to include a single woman who is out by herself. Sure, I can take care of myself, and I was initially fine being out alone. But, it was crowded, and two tall women butted in suddenly and stood right in front of me, taking my space, so this woman felt protective of me and wanted to help - she let me stand in front of her instead, and that's how I got adopted. by her group.

After a while, I felt like I had to be as bubbly and as happy and excited as she was. She kept talking to me, and laughing and I felt a lot more - well, let's just say reserved in my demeanor. I wanted to have a good time, but I was not on the same page as her. I had to leave that scene because the touching became uncomfortable after a while, and I was not feeling all that bubbly. I couldn't meet her at her level and it felt uncomfortable and like a big stretch for me to even try.

This will not stop me from going to concerts that I want to see. I am learning boundaries - and this woman kind of crossed my boundaries. Too much touching for my tastes, of someone you just met. That's not quite my style. I am more reserved than that. I am more conservative I think than I even know.