I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

I'm really struggling with something. I told my husband he can date once he moved out. And now that I am not hearing from him, I am convinced he is having sex with another woman, his new supply. This thought makes me feel sad and envious - I want to be able to have someone too - a rebound - but I will not. I am not ready, truly, and I am not healed. I will deal with my loneliness, but it hurts me to think of my husband with another woman. How do I get past this????

Um - now SHE can put up with his whining about his back hurting, and enjoy not even being able to go pee in the morning.

This was not something i ever worried about with my exes. If they were that great, i would have stayed with them.

And your statement - i told him he could date - why do you think you have ANY control over him? Or over anyone besides yourself? I think this is codependence. Trying to alter the world so it suits you. But its simply not true that their changing would make you feel or do better.

Why arent you out jogging?! Thats the only thing that helps.

Sorry im cranky - im in physical pain from i dont know what.

Plus, you gotta learn to read when women are coming on to you, either on their own behalf or for a threesome with their husband. You are an attractive free spirit but i think not THAT free!

Wow, excellent points!!! Thank you!!

Very sorry to hear you’re in pain.

I don’t jog. Why do I have to do that? I hate jogging.

That woman may/may not have been coming onto me. I couldn’t really tell. She could be that way towards everyone for all I know. She didn’t ask me to sleep with them.

I’m cranky too. It’s pouring rain, I’m in a lot of emotional turmoil and pain, and I miss having someone to share my life with.

Again, sorry. I meant any exercise.

I think its good that you want to share your life. Sometimes when im cooking, im also thinking, i would not want to split this with some weirdo guy. Have to worry about is it enough, does it taste okay? So yeah obviously ive gone around the bend!

Plus, even though i consider myself an old hippie, boy i do not understand the attraction of unattached sex (like maybe that one woman was looking for?). Maybe after i lose weight. But ive been keeping myself fat all my life. So...!

Anyway. We dont really get lessons or social support for being alone. But my experience in having a partner means my being their companion, not them being mine. Im not even able to select a movie (out) - somehow i always get it wrong. Eff that, i will go by myself.

I don't understand the attraction to unattached sex either, though right now I would do just about anything to put myself out of misery. And this is misery for me now.

My husband was not my true companion. I became a shell of the person I am around him, after learning I had to always walk on egg shells around him. I started to be very quiet and not share stories or parts of myself. That's not like me. But I was a good companion for him, because the world revolved around HIM.

I do need to start exercising - I agree, I just need to get off my butt and start doing it.

I added 2 miles of walking steps to my weekly routine by parking farther from the door at stores and work.

I think you are missing the attention, not the person. It is easy to associate what you want with the person you used to get it from. Teach yourself to separate the 2. Remind yourself that most of the time, the attention he gave you was not what you really needed. And the rest of the time, his attention was used to manipulate your heart and mind.

Sometimes, the victims of abuse become attached to the abuse, like they can't function without it. I would go to free Al Anon meetings when that feeling hit me. I felt addicted to the abuse, and I didn't want to be. So I decided to follow the example of a cousin who was battling drug addiction and going to daily NA meetings. I found other people who could understand what I was going through at AlAnon. It helped to know I wasn't alone and most of the time. I was not as bad off as I thought.

I'm not attached to the abuse - I am attached to the good times we had, which is called trauma bonding. I am trauma bonded to him, and must break free of it.

I am attending narc abuse support groups, which is better than Al Anon for me. It's specific to my issues, and that's what I need.

The one way to not start dating on rebound is to think that 99.99% of the time when people date on rebound they meet the most horrible terrible awful dates.

I’ve met awful fully awful men when I dated on rebound. When my daughter widowed, she ended up with awful horrible man she was lonely and started dating. Thankfully she ran and ran fast.

It never ever ends well with a very few exceptions here and there. I had a therapist who advised a minimum of a year/18 months with no dates.

So the way to stop yourself from dating is to ask yourself if you want to meet men 10 times worse than your husband. Because that’s who you’ll attract. You aren’t even dating and you already attract very strange characters. And they all feel like they have to save you. That’s a bad red flag. Do not date! No way you can attract a decent man now just out of marriage and you sure don’t want a jerk or a predator

As about if your husband dates or not. It’s not important and has no meaning. No one will stick around anyways. He is in his 50s with no permanent living arrangement, still married, always broke, high every day and always complaining. If someone wants him, you should rejoice it’s not you.

Yeah, luckily I have zero interest in dating. I am fine without dating in fact. I just miss having a companion, that's all. And you're right about my husband - he likely won't be able to get someone to stick around. I cannot imagine that anyone would want to.

Dear HaveHope,

I was so different from you. I NEVER missed any of the narcs that came into my life. Once I was done with them, because they had done SO much damage (and some, before they managed to get those claws and sharp teeth into me), I was extremely relieved to put as much space between us as was humanly possible---emotionally as well as physically.

I no longer held the "good times" up as any kind of elevated or cherished memories, because it had all been theater: a revolving door of falsehoods, lies, manipulation and mask-wearing.

It helped to continually remind myself of that good advice that I shared with you: We women, or anybody who has suffered emotional abuse, HAS TO LEARN to be their own best friend. Give yourself the kind of attention you wish you had from a genuinely good and caring friend. That is Step 1.

I Googled "Healing from trauma bond", and all kinds of really helpful articles came up. I really hope you will apply yourself to this healing effort.

Healing from truma bond - Google Search

As always, sent with my usual protective good wishes....xxoo

Have Hope is loved lots and lots and lots and lots here ❤️

@MuseumGhost, you're very lucky and blessed that you never missed them and never got trauma bonded to them.

And, thanks so much for the link!!

I have been reading up on the trauma bond and on how to break it.

The truth is, I am lonely, I am sad and I do miss the good parts of him. It doesn't mean I will ever go back to him, and it doesn't mean I will start dating any time soon. I am just spending a lot of time alone, and it's very hard on me. I do things by myself now - I go out by myself to concerts and to see music I like. We used to do those things together, and now I no longer have my concert-going companion. It makes it hard on me.

And my trauma bonded brain is fooling me into thinking it was better having him as a companion for these things than not. And, I realize I am contradicting myself right now - above I wrote that in truth, being his companion meant catering to him, losing myself and becoming more and more a shell of my true self. So, I recognize all of that, but still feel lonely and sad. The emptiness I feel is vast at the moment.

Thanks @Fuzzybear!!!!

Awww, thanks so much @willowtigger!!!!

It’s understandable to feel sad and lonely. But as about activities companions it’s so important for women to have other social connections such as hobby groups, girl friends and other social outlets. Just because you are married it doesn’t mean you can’t go out and hang out with girlfriends and join various activities without your spouse. I find it healthier while married and certainly big help if you find yourself alone.

. I was in a relationship where I spent most of my free time with him mainly because he made it rather difficult for me to have my own life and I didn’t feel strong enough. I changed it all around after I left him and I’ll never live this way before. My husband is fully on board with it.

I don’t spend all my free time with my husband. Being attached to the hip is a dangerous place to be.

PS your husband wasn’t even a good companion at the concerts, he either wanted to leave early or wouldn’t get ready on time to go there or some women flirted with him at concerts. You can come and go as you please now and not worry

Somehow, my husband managed to make me attached at the hip. From early on, he communicated to me that he missed me all the time when we were apart, and how much he needed me. Early on, I stopped seeing friends and doing my own activities. I became more isolated from a social life, or any kind of life without him, while being with him.

My world became HIM and centered around our relationship. Now that's gone, and I have a big gaping hole in my life.

I know the answer to the problem is to join social and activity groups and meet new people, and I will in time. Right now, I am just holding my head above water and am trying to live without him in my life. And I don't want to emotion dump on new people, and that's what I am afraid I would do if I joined groups right now. I need to talk about it, let it out and process it all, which I am doing with my closest girlfriends.

It's too bad my girlfriends all live out of state - so unfortunate. One girlfriend from Santa Fe, NM and I are talking about taking a cruise vacation together in Feb - that would be very fun for me.

I've lost myself, ultimately - and I need to get myself back.... and I may have been lost for years... I need to rediscover who I truly am and find ME again. This much I know.

You make a good point, HaveHope. They do attempt, right from the start, to charm us into dropping everything and everybody that would keep us in a normal mode. They isolate us, gradually.

At first, we think we are being wooed and won over, and that we do mean the whole world to them. It's very seductive, this trick. And it's unbelievably cruel, in the long run.

It's very understandable for you to be feeling lonely now. They make us wrap ourselves up in them, and we become a bit narrow-visioned as a result. They were our world at one time. We set many hopes on them.

I was lucky, in a way, yes. I did, however, go through a lot of confusion and pain, and felt the intense sorrow of grief around these relationships; even though several never got to the point of being intimate, because they were with relatives or friends, rather than love interests. Friends that I have lost to this malaise meant almost as much to me as anyone else ever did---and in some cases, more. So I was only "lucky" in one way.

I walked around in a fog of confusion and sorrow, for long periods of time. My mind could not accept what had happened. I did not fall into the trap of blaming myself, but I certainly did question myself an awful lot---for years, in some cases. My self esteem was very badly damaged from repeat encounters with these types.

I did not have the advantage of knowing it was down to narcissism. I also did not have the supreme advantage of having anyone to support me on my journey out of it and toward healing. Trust me, the alone-ness that I felt could have killed a less independent person.

So, please, give yourself time. You're ahead of the curve, in that you know who he really is, and no longer have to wrestle with the mind-numbing question marks that plagued me. You have made friends in support groups. And most of all, you know exactly what you're dealing with, now. That's pretty huge.

Thanks so much, MG. I am currently in a state of sorrow and despair. I can’t snap out if it. I’m really struggling with all of it. I wish I had never met him.

I found this on facebook, Have Hope

It’s understandable you struggle right now. It would be weird if you didn’t. It shall pass.

As about friends. I get it. Most of my old friends are across the pond. I keep in touch but I had to get new friends near by. New groups. New activities. I lost myself in my last relationship too and would never allow that again. Some people do that to you, make sure they are your entire world. Seems like it makes it easier for them to control you and ensure you never leave.

I've seen that one recently! Thank you for posting it! How true is that quote?!?

That's exactly what he did - made me dependent on him and made my whole world revolve around him so that when he's gone, I have nothing.

And that's what I've got: nothing but emptiness.

I am sure you don’t have “nothing.” I am sure you have a lot. It’s just hidden. There are a lot of things you can do that don’t involve him or in fact any men. It just takes a minute to figure it out